Re: Overreaction to situations that trigger and getti...

[Guest guest]

you have nada fleas...you have picked up behaviors/attitudes/thought

patterns that your nada did, because that's all you know...your therapist

can help you past this...I had many fleas too..I probably still have some,

but they aren't troublesome any more...I used to have all the colored

glasses stacked with this color with that..and they couldn't be mixed

up....that was a nadaism !! she'd drag me out of bed to rearrange things

if I put things away " wrong " so it " rubbed " off on me...one hubby unleaded

the dishwasher, and stacked the glasses " wrong " I nearly had a heartattack,

and although I did yell/scream/say nasty things to him like nada would have,

I did have to restack the glasses...one day I just decided this was

stupid...the world will NOT end because the glasses are stacked with the

wrong color..and I closed my eyes, and stacked the glasses...when I opened

my eyes GASP the glasses were stacked wrong, and I closed the cupboard

doors...it took a month or two to get over it..but now it doesn't bother me

one bit LOL the same for the way towels are folded in the closet...nada

used to freak out and rage if they weren't folded just so...I never had

that, but had the " need " to fold them the " right " way because I knew the

consequences on not doing it right...didn't matter I was in my own house

400+ miles away from nada..the training was still there...now I fold them

however, and put them in the closet...those of us with witchy nadas have/had

fleas...there's not getting around it...that's how we were taught...and the

panic of going against that training is very deeply imbedded into our brains

from the time we were born !! That does NOT mean we are BPD or even psycho

....we were just taught serious things happen if you don't follow nadas weird

rules.. yes, it takes time to get over these " silly " things...and they do

cause a lot of anxiety until they do...you'll get there, dear daughter, just

wait and see :-)

Jackie

Well, I am having a real issue right now that scares the hell out of me

that I have pushed myself into some form of bpd-ism.

My therapist has me texting her every day at noon. It worked great when

she was out of town. She texted me back shortly thereafter and I didn't

feel all alone. Well, when she came back, she felt it worked so well and

made

me feel not alone at all, that she told me she wants me to text her every

day for awhile -- at noon. Now, she did say that she might not always get

to text me back due to her busy schedule. I'm not sure I really heard that,

though, because until Monday, she was texting me back.

Well, Monday she didn't and yesterday she didn't until like 10 last night.

But by then, my anxiety was maxed out. I wondered if something was wrong,

if she was mad,etc. Then I felt like an idiot when she finally text'd me.

I did not text her again, mind you. I mean, I didn't psyco-text her or

email or call or anything...but I felt horrible and rather than it helping,

it

made me feel soooo alone because the conversation felt all one-sided.

So I did send her an email and explain that I understood it was supposed to

help me but that it was really causing me anxiety.

This feels weird to me....lol.

[Guest guest]

Therapists should NOT be taking any calls during a session. It shows lack of

respect to the patient. You are paying them for their time. Most sessions are

50-60 minutes. There is nothing that urgent that can't wait until you are

finished, especially if this has happened more than once.

A therapist is to there to guide and support you. A good therapist will

establish boundaries and ensure they are firmly in place to protect you and to

keep you from becoming overly dependent on her/him.

Abby

>

> I do some projection/transference, but it's rare. I have done it more in

> the past than I do now that I'm a little older. I so don't want to and I

> work very hard NOT to. I understand that my therapist is not my mother and

> that she has a life and has patients other than me, lol. I try to

> understand that. I guess I get upset about it and yet she told me up front

that it

> will either be a long time between texts or she won't text because of her

> schedule. I totally understand. I don't want her to change that or modify it

> for me or come across to her as I want her to bend over backwards to

> contact me.

>

> I guess I have a really hard time knowing when I am being realistic and

> have a right to feel hurt or sad and when my emotions are disregulated and

> what I'm feeling is a direct result of my BPD upbringing and my BPD " flea " so

> to speak. I know being a child in my circumstances was tough, but I also

> know that every negative feeling I have isn't abnormal. I just don't know

> when I am crossing over into that abnormal range.

>

> I have had a couple of experiences that I have not mentioned to my

> therapist (I dearly love her and she is really a great therapist -- very

caring).

> But a couple of times I have gotten there and she has taken " emergency

> calls " right in the middle of our session. I ignored it and tried not to

show

> that it bothered me because again, I don't know if being bothered by that

> would be normal. However, I have called her once " urgently " and she didn't

> call me back for like 4 hours. I don't know....I am bothered by weird

> crap and I NEVER say anything. I just internalize it all.

>

>

> In a message dated 5/20/2009 6:03:58 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

> climberkayak@... writes:

>

>

>

>

>

> , I've avoided over the years contacting therapists inbetween sessions

> even though they sometimes say it is okay for exactly this reason. The

> experience of reaching out to someone I expect to be there and not getting a

> response in a certain window is triggering for me. So I can relate to your

> anxiety when the text didn't come till hours later. It probably is a big

> bpd-flea but it could also just be that we didn't have reliable response from

> our nadas growing up and it taps into those painful stored memories.

>

> In general about the topic of triggers - how can we (all KO's) not have

> them? There's no one with the power to influence those first memories like

> one's mother. Our mothers were crazy. So there's going to be things like

> - inconsistent responses from others

> - anger in others

> - projection from others

> - withholding of love, gratitude, appreciation from others

> - emotional manipulation from others

> - oh I'll just stop now this list would be huge

>

> you get the idea...all those things have extra kick to affect us or

> trigger us because of what went before. I'm still in the heart of working

with

> this, but the one thing I've learned is that being present with my feelings,

> knowing what they are is the first step - I still tend to repress

> automatically if I'm not careful.

>

>

>

> --- In _WTOAdultChildren1@WTOAdultChilWTO_

> (mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ) , Hummingbird1298@, Humm

> >

> > Well, I am having a real issue right now that scares the hell out of me

> > that I have pushed myself into some form of bpd-ism.

> >

> > My therapist has me texting her every day at noon. It worked great when

> > she was out of town. She texted me back shortly thereafter and I didn't

> > feel all alone. Well, when she came back, she felt it worked so well and

> made

> > me feel not alone at all, that she told me she wants me to text her

> every

> > day for awhile -- at noon. Now, she did say that she might not always

> get

> > to text me back due to her busy schedule. I'm not sure I really heard

> that,

> > though, because until Monday, she was texting me back.

> >

> > Well, Monday she didn't and yesterday she didn't until like 10 last

> night.

> > But by then, my anxiety was maxed out. I wondered if something was

> wrong,

> > if she was mad,etc. Then I felt like an idiot when she finally text'd

> me.

> > I did not text her again, mind you. I mean, I didn't psyco-text her or

> > email or call or anything...but I felt horrible and rather than it

> helping, it

> > made me feel soooo alone because the conversation felt all one-sided.

> >

> > So I did send her an email and explain that I understood it was supposed

> to

> > help me but that it was really causing me anxiety.

> >

> > This feels weird to me....lol.

> >

> >

> > In a message dated 5/20/2009 5:28:31 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

> > sleddog@ writes:

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > your young...I was more like you when I was young too...I used to think

> my

> > husband defended others, but as I've gotten older, I see he's trying to

> > get

> > me to see their point of view..he really doesn't care about the

> argument,

> > and isn't on anyone's side..I, too, used to expect someone to call when

> > they

> > said they would ( a nadaism) but learned things come up, people get

> > busy/forget, and it's not a reflection on me ...I have done it others,

> and

> > know it wasn't intentional. know it wasn't

> intentional.<WB<WBR>.it'.it'<WBR>s

> > get de

> > have too many irons in the fire :-)

> >

> > Jackie

> >

> > I hope I can get to the point where it doesn't bother me either. I get

> > very upset when my husband does it especially.

> >

> > My sister and I recently got into a silly little tiff and my husband

> > actually defended her. I didn't speak to him all day. I was furious.

> >

> > I also have a real problem with people not doing what they say they're

> > going to do...ONCE AGAIN I OVERREACT. Then I feel bad when someone has a

> > good

> > excuse.

> >

> > Like if my therapist says she'll call at 2 and she doesn't call and it

> > becomes 3 or 4, I will call her. LOL I just start going into these

> > OCD-like

> > extremes of what if something happened to her or what if I made her mad

> > about something or what if she forgot.

> >

> > Gosh, this message board has made me realize I have more issues than I

> > thought.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > ************ ************<WBR>**Dell Inspiron 15 Laptop: Now in 6

> vibrant colors! S

> > full line of laptops.

> >

>

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> k.net/clk;215073777;3703434)

> > 3%3Bf)

> >

> >

> > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

> >

>

>

>

>

>

> **************Dell Inspiron 15 Laptop: Now in 6 vibrant colors! Shop Dell’s

> full line of laptops.

>

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>

>

>

[Guest guest]

It could be that your therapist is doing this to desensitize you? Like, the way

desensitization therapy works for people who are afraid of spiders is they first

expose the patient to pictures of spiders until the patient isn't scared of

looking at the pictures, then they introduce fake plastic spiders, and progress

up to real spiders.

When trying to figure out if a reaction I'm having is healthy or not, I stop and

think whether this " something " that is annoying me or making me anxious or

afraid (or whatever my negative reaction happens to be) is just a one-time

occurrence (or a rare occurrence) or if it is part of a pattern.

Anybody can get busy or flustered or frantic and forget to do something like

phone me at a certain time, or bring something they said they'd bring to an

event, etc. That's just life, and I've let go of automatically taking things

like that personally. I think we all forget to do things sometimes, or say

thoughtless things sometimes, we're only human.

If I begin to notice a pattern of behavior, like, this person is *usually* late,

or that person *never* offers to help set up for an event, etc., then I can

adjust my expectations. I don't *expect* friend A to be on time, and I don't

*expect* friend B to offer to help with set-up or break-down. If this is a

basically good person and they have other endearing traits, I cut them some

slack.

I try to focus on the things about them that I like and enjoy.

However, if I notice a pattern of behavior developing that is targeting me in

particular, and if it feels deliberately mean or pointedly critical, then, I

feel justified in taking those behaviors personally and either talking with the

person about it to see what's going on and try to resolve it, or just not having

much if anything to do with that individual if s/he appears weird and scary.

So, my general rule for myself is to avoid taking negative things personally

without evidence.

-Annie

>

> I do some projection/transference, but it's rare. I have done it more in

> the past than I do now that I'm a little older. I so don't want to and I

> work very hard NOT to. I understand that my therapist is not my mother and

> that she has a life and has patients other than me, lol. I try to

> understand that. I guess I get upset about it and yet she told me up front

that it

> will either be a long time between texts or she won't text because of her

> schedule. I totally understand. I don't want her to change that or modify it

> for me or come across to her as I want her to bend over backwards to

> contact me.

>

> I guess I have a really hard time knowing when I am being realistic and

> have a right to feel hurt or sad and when my emotions are disregulated and

> what I'm feeling is a direct result of my BPD upbringing and my BPD " flea " so

> to speak. I know being a child in my circumstances was tough, but I also

> know that every negative feeling I have isn't abnormal. I just don't know

> when I am crossing over into that abnormal range.

>

> I have had a couple of experiences that I have not mentioned to my

> therapist (I dearly love her and she is really a great therapist -- very

caring).

> But a couple of times I have gotten there and she has taken " emergency

> calls " right in the middle of our session. I ignored it and tried not to

show

> that it bothered me because again, I don't know if being bothered by that

> would be normal. However, I have called her once " urgently " and she didn't

> call me back for like 4 hours. I don't know....I am bothered by weird

> crap and I NEVER say anything. I just internalize it all.

>

>

> In a message dated 5/20/2009 6:03:58 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

> climberkayak@... writes:

>

>

>

>

>

> , I've avoided over the years contacting therapists inbetween sessions

> even though they sometimes say it is okay for exactly this reason. The

> experience of reaching out to someone I expect to be there and not getting a

> response in a certain window is triggering for me. So I can relate to your

> anxiety when the text didn't come till hours later. It probably is a big

> bpd-flea but it could also just be that we didn't have reliable response from

> our nadas growing up and it taps into those painful stored memories.

>

> In general about the topic of triggers - how can we (all KO's) not have

> them? There's no one with the power to influence those first memories like

> one's mother. Our mothers were crazy. So there's going to be things like

> - inconsistent responses from others

> - anger in others

> - projection from others

> - withholding of love, gratitude, appreciation from others

> - emotional manipulation from others

> - oh I'll just stop now this list would be huge

>

> you get the idea...all those things have extra kick to affect us or

> trigger us because of what went before. I'm still in the heart of working

with

> this, but the one thing I've learned is that being present with my feelings,

> knowing what they are is the first step - I still tend to repress

> automatically if I'm not careful.

>

>

>

> --- In _WTOAdultChildren1@WTOAdultChilWTO_

> (mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ) , Hummingbird1298@, Humm

> >

> > Well, I am having a real issue right now that scares the hell out of me

> > that I have pushed myself into some form of bpd-ism.

> >

> > My therapist has me texting her every day at noon. It worked great when

> > she was out of town. She texted me back shortly thereafter and I didn't

> > feel all alone. Well, when she came back, she felt it worked so well and

> made

> > me feel not alone at all, that she told me she wants me to text her

> every

> > day for awhile -- at noon. Now, she did say that she might not always

> get

> > to text me back due to her busy schedule. I'm not sure I really heard

> that,

> > though, because until Monday, she was texting me back.

> >

> > Well, Monday she didn't and yesterday she didn't until like 10 last

> night.

> > But by then, my anxiety was maxed out. I wondered if something was

> wrong,

> > if she was mad,etc. Then I felt like an idiot when she finally text'd

> me.

> > I did not text her again, mind you. I mean, I didn't psyco-text her or

> > email or call or anything...but I felt horrible and rather than it

> helping, it

> > made me feel soooo alone because the conversation felt all one-sided.

> >

> > So I did send her an email and explain that I understood it was supposed

> to

> > help me but that it was really causing me anxiety.

> >

> > This feels weird to me....lol.

> >

> >

> > In a message dated 5/20/2009 5:28:31 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

> > sleddog@ writes:

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > your young...I was more like you when I was young too...I used to think

> my

> > husband defended others, but as I've gotten older, I see he's trying to

> > get

> > me to see their point of view..he really doesn't care about the

> argument,

> > and isn't on anyone's side..I, too, used to expect someone to call when

> > they

> > said they would ( a nadaism) but learned things come up, people get

> > busy/forget, and it's not a reflection on me ...I have done it others,

> and

> > know it wasn't intentional. know it wasn't

> intentional.<WB<WBR>.it'.it'<WBR>s

> > get de

> > have too many irons in the fire :-)

> >

> > Jackie

> >

> > I hope I can get to the point where it doesn't bother me either. I get

> > very upset when my husband does it especially.

> >

> > My sister and I recently got into a silly little tiff and my husband

> > actually defended her. I didn't speak to him all day. I was furious.

> >

> > I also have a real problem with people not doing what they say they're

> > going to do...ONCE AGAIN I OVERREACT. Then I feel bad when someone has a

> > good

> > excuse.

> >

> > Like if my therapist says she'll call at 2 and she doesn't call and it

> > becomes 3 or 4, I will call her. LOL I just start going into these

> > OCD-like

> > extremes of what if something happened to her or what if I made her mad

> > about something or what if she forgot.

> >

> > Gosh, this message board has made me realize I have more issues than I

> > thought.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > ************ ************<WBR>**Dell Inspiron 15 Laptop: Now in 6

> vibrant colors! S

> > full line of laptops.

> >

>

(_http://pr.atwola.http://pr.atwhttp://pr.atwolahttp://pr.atwolahttp://pr.http:/\

/prhttp://pr.atwolahttp://pr.ahttp://pr.athttp://pr_

>

(http://pr.atwola.com/promoclk/100126575x1222399266x1201456865/aol?redir=http://\

ad.doubleclic

> k.net/clk;215073777;3703434)

> > 3%3Bf)

> >

> >

> > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

> >

>

>

>

>

>

> **************Dell Inspiron 15 Laptop: Now in 6 vibrant colors! Shop Dell’s

> full line of laptops.

>

(http://pr.atwola.com/promoclk/100126575x1222399266x1201456865/aol?redir=http:%2\

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>

>

>

[Guest guest]

---

my nada will always take the " other person's side " in any story, for example if

a friend of mine is getting divorced, and her H was abusive, she'll dispute it

and take his side.

Joanna

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " anuria67854 " wrote:

>

> Wow, it never ceases to amaze me when our various nadas have these peculiar,

abnormal behaviors in common. I could never count on my nada to take my side in

any situation either, she'd take the other person's side and blame me, like, 99%

of the time.

>

> I do remember one lone incident where I came to both my parents and reported

that a neighbor child took my new bike, and nada didn't believe me, but then

through our front window we all saw the neighbor kid riding my bike! But if the

evidence hadn't presented itself at that moment I know that my nada would have

dismissed me and ignored my problem. Dad hated confrontations and left all such

things to nada, so, he was no help as I recall.

>

> -Annie

>

>

> >

> > My nada also always took the other person's side, even from the time I was

very little. If someone hit me, it was " what did you do to make him hit you? "

She seemed to think me just inherently mischievious, dishonest, and evil.

> >

> > -Deanna

>

[Guest guest]

, this all sounds " normal " to me...I do NOT think you have BPD or

anything of the sort, I think you're confused with how you expect people to

act, and given that you were raised by a BPD, that certainly is not out of

line !! It IS hard to know if you should take things personally or not...I

generally don't because it makes me feel better not to..if the calls she's

taking during your sessions are emergencies, just think of the poor people

on the other end who are so desperate, and she's afraid they may " do "

something to themselves or others if she doesn't take the call...they are

needier than you :-) as for not getting back to your call quickly...maybe

she's trying to deal with one of her emergency cases when you call...and she

can't interrupt them like she can you because they are more unstable...and

she probably has a good handle on you, and knows you may feel one way, but

you wont take action..

Jackie

I do some projection/transference, but it's rare. I have done it more in

the past than I do now that I'm a little older. I so don't want to and I

work very hard NOT to. I understand that my therapist is not my mother and

that she has a life and has patients other than me, lol. I try to

understand that. I guess I get upset about it and yet she told me up front

that it

will either be a long time between texts or she won't text because of her

schedule. I totally understand. I don't want her to change that or modify it

for me or come across to her as I want her to bend over backwards to

contact me.

I guess I have a really hard time knowing when I am being realistic and

have a right to feel hurt or sad and when my emotions are disregulated and

what I'm feeling is a direct result of my BPD upbringing and my BPD " flea "

so

to speak. I know being a child in my circumstances was tough, but I also

know that every negative feeling I have isn't abnormal. I just don't know

when I am crossing over into that abnormal range.

I have had a couple of experiences that I have not mentioned to my

therapist (I dearly love her and she is really a great therapist -- very

caring).

But a couple of times I have gotten there and she has taken " emergency

calls " right in the middle of our session. I ignored it and tried not to

show

that it bothered me because again, I don't know if being bothered by that

would be normal. However, I have called her once " urgently " and she didn't

call me back for like 4 hours. I don't know....I am bothered by weird

crap and I NEVER say anything. I just internalize it all.

[Guest guest]

About everybody else being in the right: I can't remember if I've written here

about Nada and the lead paint chips - so please forgive me if this is

duplicative - but here goes - If we were out in public, and a stranger did

something really stupid or rude (like cutting in line at Kmart, or throwing

litter on the ground) - and I made any comment about it, Nada would always

reply, " You don't know if that person has something wrong with them. They could

have brain damage. They could have eaten lead paint chips as a child. " This

was supposed to make me have a charitable attitude toward strangers who act in

socially unacceptable ways - so I would not judge harshly. (But do I REALLY

have to have charity for people who throw Burger King bags out of their moving

cars?) Of course, for MY behavior Nada's standards were very high (which was OK,

in retrospect) and there was NEVER any excuse for my mistakes or failures. So

at one point, when she was blathering on about some nitwit and their

paint-chip-eating childhood, I asked her, " How come I never get to have an

excuse? How come I never got to eat any paint chips? " It has come to be a

family legend - when my son and I see someone being a total butthead, he'll lean

over and whisper " Paint chips! "

> > >

> > > My nada also always took the other person's side, even from the time I was

very little. If someone hit me, it was " what did you do to make him hit you? "

She seemed to think me just inherently mischievious, dishonest, and evil.

> > >

> > > -Deanna

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Ha...okay, that's funny in a really sad way!!

In a message dated 5/21/2009 9:59:56 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

talexander73@... writes:

About everybody else being in the right: I can't remember if I've written

here about Nada and the lead paint chips - so please forgive me if this is

duplicative - but here goes - If we were out in public, and a stranger did

something really stupid or rude (like cutting in line at Kmart, or throwing

litter on the ground) - and I made any comment about it, Nada would always

reply, " You don't know if that person has something wrong with them. They

could have brain damage. They could have eaten lead paint chips as a child. "

This was supposed to make me have a charitable attitude toward strangers

who act in socially unacceptable ways - so I would not judge harshly. (But

do I REALLY have to have charity for people who throw Burger King bags out

of their moving cars?) Of course, for MY behavior Nada's standards were very

high (which was OK, in retrospect) and there was NEVER any excuse for my

mistakes or failures. So at one point, when she was blathering on about some

nitwit and their paint-chip-eating childhood, I asked her, " How come I

never get to have an excuse? How come I never got to eat any paint chips? " It

has come to be a family legend - when my son and I see someone being a

total butthead, he'll lean over and whisper " Paint chips! "

> > >

> > > My nada also always took the other person's side, even from the time

I was very little. If someone hit me, it was " what did you do to make him

hit you? " She seemed to think me just inherently mischievious, dishonest,

and evil.

> > >

> > > -Deanna

> >

>

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[Guest guest]

I have four questions I ask myself:

1. What is really upsetting me or the source of my stress? (This is the hardest

step for me. I can't always identify what is REALLY upsetting me.)

2. Is this something I should be worried about/stress about or can I let it go?

3. Is this something that I have control over?

4. What can I do to relieve the stress, solve the problem or reduce the anxiety?

> >

> > I do some projection/transference, but it's rare. I have done it more in

> > the past than I do now that I'm a little older. I so don't want to and I

> > work very hard NOT to. I understand that my therapist is not my mother and

> > that she has a life and has patients other than me, lol. I try to

> > understand that. I guess I get upset about it and yet she told me up front

that it

> > will either be a long time between texts or she won't text because of her

> > schedule. I totally understand. I don't want her to change that or modify it

> > for me or come across to her as I want her to bend over backwards to

> > contact me.

> >

> > I guess I have a really hard time knowing when I am being realistic and

> > have a right to feel hurt or sad and when my emotions are disregulated and

> > what I'm feeling is a direct result of my BPD upbringing and my BPD " flea "

so

> > to speak. I know being a child in my circumstances was tough, but I also

> > know that every negative feeling I have isn't abnormal. I just don't know

> > when I am crossing over into that abnormal range.

> >

> > I have had a couple of experiences that I have not mentioned to my

> > therapist (I dearly love her and she is really a great therapist -- very

caring).

> > But a couple of times I have gotten there and she has taken " emergency

> > calls " right in the middle of our session. I ignored it and tried not to

show

> > that it bothered me because again, I don't know if being bothered by that

> > would be normal. However, I have called her once " urgently " and she didn't

> > call me back for like 4 hours. I don't know....I am bothered by weird

> > crap and I NEVER say anything. I just internalize it all.

> >

> >

> > In a message dated 5/20/2009 6:03:58 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

> > climberkayak@ writes:

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > , I've avoided over the years contacting therapists inbetween sessions

> > even though they sometimes say it is okay for exactly this reason. The

> > experience of reaching out to someone I expect to be there and not getting a

> > response in a certain window is triggering for me. So I can relate to your

> > anxiety when the text didn't come till hours later. It probably is a big

> > bpd-flea but it could also just be that we didn't have reliable response

from

> > our nadas growing up and it taps into those painful stored memories.

> >

> > In general about the topic of triggers - how can we (all KO's) not have

> > them? There's no one with the power to influence those first memories like

> > one's mother. Our mothers were crazy. So there's going to be things like

> > - inconsistent responses from others

> > - anger in others

> > - projection from others

> > - withholding of love, gratitude, appreciation from others

> > - emotional manipulation from others

> > - oh I'll just stop now this list would be huge

> >

> > you get the idea...all those things have extra kick to affect us or

> > trigger us because of what went before. I'm still in the heart of working

with

> > this, but the one thing I've learned is that being present with my

feelings,

> > knowing what they are is the first step - I still tend to repress

> > automatically if I'm not careful.

> >

> >

> >

> > --- In _WTOAdultChildren1@WTOAdultChilWTO_

> > (mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ) , Hummingbird1298@, Humm

> > >

> > > Well, I am having a real issue right now that scares the hell out of me

> > > that I have pushed myself into some form of bpd-ism.

> > >

> > > My therapist has me texting her every day at noon. It worked great when

> > > she was out of town. She texted me back shortly thereafter and I didn't

> > > feel all alone. Well, when she came back, she felt it worked so well and

> > made

> > > me feel not alone at all, that she told me she wants me to text her

> > every

> > > day for awhile -- at noon. Now, she did say that she might not always

> > get

> > > to text me back due to her busy schedule. I'm not sure I really heard

> > that,

> > > though, because until Monday, she was texting me back.

> > >

> > > Well, Monday she didn't and yesterday she didn't until like 10 last

> > night.

> > > But by then, my anxiety was maxed out. I wondered if something was

> > wrong,

> > > if she was mad,etc. Then I felt like an idiot when she finally text'd

> > me.

> > > I did not text her again, mind you. I mean, I didn't psyco-text her or

> > > email or call or anything...but I felt horrible and rather than it

> > helping, it

> > > made me feel soooo alone because the conversation felt all one-sided.

> > >

> > > So I did send her an email and explain that I understood it was supposed

> > to

> > > help me but that it was really causing me anxiety.

> > >

> > > This feels weird to me....lol.

> > >

> > >

> > > In a message dated 5/20/2009 5:28:31 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

> > > sleddog@ writes:

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > your young...I was more like you when I was young too...I used to think

> > my

> > > husband defended others, but as I've gotten older, I see he's trying to

> > > get

> > > me to see their point of view..he really doesn't care about the

> > argument,

> > > and isn't on anyone's side..I, too, used to expect someone to call when

> > > they

> > > said they would ( a nadaism) but learned things come up, people get

> > > busy/forget, and it's not a reflection on me ...I have done it others,

> > and

> > > know it wasn't intentional. know it wasn't

> > intentional.<WB<WBR>.it'.it'<WBR>s

> > > get de

> > > have too many irons in the fire :-)

> > >

> > > Jackie

> > >

> > > I hope I can get to the point where it doesn't bother me either. I get

> > > very upset when my husband does it especially.

> > >

> > > My sister and I recently got into a silly little tiff and my husband

> > > actually defended her. I didn't speak to him all day. I was furious.

> > >

> > > I also have a real problem with people not doing what they say they're

> > > going to do...ONCE AGAIN I OVERREACT. Then I feel bad when someone has a

> > > good

> > > excuse.

> > >

> > > Like if my therapist says she'll call at 2 and she doesn't call and it

> > > becomes 3 or 4, I will call her. LOL I just start going into these

> > > OCD-like

> > > extremes of what if something happened to her or what if I made her mad

> > > about something or what if she forgot.

> > >

> > > Gosh, this message board has made me realize I have more issues than I

> > > thought.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > ************ ************<WBR>**Dell Inspiron 15 Laptop: Now in 6

> > vibrant colors! S

> > > full line of laptops.

> > >

> >

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> > k.net/clk;215073777;3703434)

> > > 3%3Bf)

> > >

> > >

> > > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > **************Dell Inspiron 15 Laptop: Now in 6 vibrant colors! Shop

Dell’s

> > full line of laptops.

> >

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> > 3%3Bf)

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

LOL that's cute, , that you can find humor in such a sad

situation..and you're right..your nada could have all the paint chip moments

she wanted, but you were parenting her, so you had to be the adult...and had

to always act like an adult..

Jackie

About everybody else being in the right: I can't remember if I've written

here about Nada and the lead paint chips - so please forgive me if this is

duplicative - but here goes - If we were out in public, and a stranger did

something really stupid or rude (like cutting in line at Kmart, or throwing

litter on the ground) - and I made any comment about it, Nada would always

reply, " You don't know if that person has something wrong with them. They

could have brain damage. They could have eaten lead paint chips as a child. "

This was supposed to make me have a charitable attitude toward strangers

who act in socially unacceptable ways - so I would not judge harshly. (But

do I REALLY have to have charity for people who throw Burger King bags out

of their moving cars?) Of course, for MY behavior Nada's standards were

very

high (which was OK, in retrospect) and there was NEVER any excuse for my

mistakes or failures. So at one point, when she was blathering on about

some

nitwit and their paint-chip-eating childhood, I asked her, " How come I

never get to have an excuse? How come I never got to eat any paint chips? "

It

has come to be a family legend - when my son and I see someone being a

total butthead, he'll lean over and whisper " Paint chips! "

[Guest guest]

By the end of 5th grade, I was pretty much banned from playing with anyone in

the neighborhood because my mother couldn't get along with the parents. She

would fight with them, so I wouldn't be allowed to play with their kids.

I had a similar nada, she fought with all the neighbor women and would yell for

them to keep their %$*# kids in their own yards. The kids and I got along but

nada refused to allow me to play with them.

Then when I was in 4th grade, I made a new friend and was invited to play at her

house. Nada wouldn't allow it because the friend's mother made a derogatory

comment to my nada 15 years earlier.

2

[Guest guest]

Reading these posts about it always being your fault in nada's eyes is making me

cringe as I read them and think back to how I behaved when my kids were growing

up.

First off, as an only child, I had no idea about sibling rivalry. I longed for

a sibling growing up and thought my kids should appreciate their sibling...but

at the time all they did was fight. It drove me crazy.

I was a regular attendee at Alanon in those days, and in that program we are

encouraged to take our own inventory and look for things you've done to provoke

ill will in others...so I tried to instill in my kids that they needed to check

their motives, especially when things go awry in relationships, and make certain

they react or do anything to cause other people to react. I sure hope they

don't look back at that and think I was putting all the blame on them, when I

was merely trying to help them see things from a different perspective. There

are times I admit I doubted my kids innocence, they did their fair share of

instigating and I called them on it when they did. But I also defended them

when I felt they were in the right.

Parenthood is so hard, because it takes years for you to see the fruit of your

labor especially if you made mistakes.

Also when my kids were growing up, I had a lot of stress in my life. My husband

was an active alcoholic, we had a stillborn baby, and I ws trying to recover

from my childhood and keep my head above water for my kids. I fear I behaved a

lot more like nada at times than I'd like to admit or remember...and I truly

feel bad about that. New habits are not acquired over night and stress does

bring out the worst in all of us.

I suppose every kid grows up to find fault with the way they were raised, some

of us more than others. Lord only knows what my sons think of me.

2

[Guest guest]

Reading these posts about it always being your fault in nada's eyes is making me

cringe as I read them and think back to how I behaved when my kids were growing

up.

First off, as an only child, I had no idea about sibling rivalry. I longed for

a sibling growing up and thought my kids should appreciate their sibling...but

at the time all they did was fight. It drove me crazy.

I was a regular attendee at Alanon in those days, and in that program we are

encouraged to take our own inventory and look for things you've done to provoke

ill will in others...so I tried to instill in my kids that they needed to check

their motives, especially when things go awry in relationships, and make certain

they react or do anything to cause other people to react. I sure hope they

don't look back at that and think I was putting all the blame on them, when I

was merely trying to help them see things from a different perspective. There

are times I admit I doubted my kids innocence, they did their fair share of

instigating and I called them on it when they did. But I also defended them

when I felt they were in the right.

Parenthood is so hard, because it takes years for you to see the fruit of your

labor especially if you made mistakes.

Also when my kids were growing up, I had a lot of stress in my life. My husband

was an active alcoholic, we had a stillborn baby, and I ws trying to recover

from my childhood and keep my head above water for my kids. I fear I behaved a

lot more like nada at times than I'd like to admit or remember...and I truly

feel bad about that. New habits are not acquired over night and stress does

bring out the worst in all of us.

I suppose every kid grows up to find fault with the way they were raised, some

of us more than others. Lord only knows what my sons think of me.

2

[Guest guest]

> Parenthood is so hard, because it takes years for you to see the fruit of your

labor especially if you made mistakes.

,

I hope you know we all make mistakes. Any parent who says they have not is lying

or simply ignorant (or BPD!). Not to make light of your sincere concerns about

your mothering, but I tell my kiddos that I am making sure to keep some nice

therapist gainfully eployed when they someday start having to work out all the

issues I am causing for them. In the middle of all we hope and intend for our

children ... life happens. We all just do the best we can; it's all we can do.

Being real is more important than being perfect ~ and more realistic.

Take care,

[Guest guest]

Thanks for your encouraging and understanding. I read tons of parenting

books and tried real hard, but coming out of nada-ville, I was infested with

fleas and over-reactive many times during the first years of my children's

lives. I guess if we all waited until we were perfectly healthy before having

kids, the human race would soon become extinct. In spite of it all, I truly

believe my kids had a far better childhood home environment than I did. We gave

them affection, acceptance, encouragement, told them we loved them, interacted

as a family, provided healthy discipline while allowing them to behave as

children. That's a far cry from anything I experienced in my FOO.

2

> > Parenthood is so hard, because it takes years for you to see the fruit of

your labor especially if you made mistakes.

>

>

> ,

> I hope you know we all make mistakes. Any parent who says they have not is

lying or simply ignorant (or BPD!). Not to make light of your sincere concerns

about your mothering, but I tell my kiddos that I am making sure to keep some

nice therapist gainfully eployed when they someday start having to work out all

the issues I am causing for them. In the middle of all we hope and intend for

our children ... life happens. We all just do the best we can; it's all we can

do. Being real is more important than being perfect ~ and more realistic.

>

> Take care,

>

>

[Guest guest]

2 - You DO know my in-laws! Jail records, litters of children with no

means of support, not a high school diploma in the bunch - and the

parents-in-law throw up their hands and sigh, " You know how they are... " -

There are never any consequences for what they do, just constant bailouts,

nobody stands up to them, there's always some kind of " circular argument " to

explain away the fact that they are shiftless, low-down bums... but I get

labeled " the difficult one. " Aaaaaagh. NC isn't distance enough to put between

them and me. -

> >

> > Reading these posts about it always being your fault in nada's eyes is

making me cringe as I read them and think back to how I behaved when my kids

were growing up.

> >

> > First off, as an only child, I had no idea about sibling rivalry. I longed

for a sibling growing up and thought my kids should appreciate their

sibling...but at the time all they did was fight. It drove me crazy.

> >

> > I was a regular attendee at Alanon in those days, and in that program we are

encouraged to take our own inventory and look for things you've done to provoke

ill will in others...so I tried to instill in my kids that they needed to check

their motives, especially when things go awry in relationships, and make certain

they react or do anything to cause other people to react. I sure hope they

don't look back at that and think I was putting all the blame on them, when I

was merely trying to help them see things from a different perspective. There

are times I admit I doubted my kids innocence, they did their fair share of

instigating and I called them on it when they did. But I also defended them

when I felt they were in the right.

> >

> > Parenthood is so hard, because it takes years for you to see the fruit of

your labor especially if you made mistakes.

> >

> > Also when my kids were growing up, I had a lot of stress in my life. My

husband was an active alcoholic, we had a stillborn baby, and I ws trying to

recover from my childhood and keep my head above water for my kids. I fear I

behaved a lot more like nada at times than I'd like to admit or remember...and I

truly feel bad about that. New habits are not acquired over night and stress

does bring out the worst in all of us.

> >

> > I suppose every kid grows up to find fault with the way they were raised,

some of us more than others. Lord only knows what my sons think of me.

> >

> > 2

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Those are my in-laws too. I might have told this before, can't recall, but

my mother-in-law came to my 10 year old son's birthday party. My friend,

who happens to be an RN, brought her daughter who has Down Syndrome. My

mother-in-law started giving her advice and told my friend that she was an RN

(bold faced LIE). The next day my friend called me and said, " I see what

you mean about your mother-in-law being so overbearring and bossy. " I

said, " Please tell me she didn't tell you she's an RN. " She said, " She's not a

nurse? " I KNEW IT. The heifer has told several of MY friends she's a

nurse. I mean, does she not think that MAYBE these people are going to tell

me? She's stupid. She used to be a manager of an apartment complex and

they fired her for STEALING money. She had to move from Georgia to Indiana

because she was such a habitual check bouncer in Florida, Georgia, West

Virginia and New Jersey (all places she has lived) that she couldn't even get a

bank account. She is a pathological liar, has been arrested for bad

checks, stole money from an attorney she worked for when my husband was a

child.

It's sad. Really it is. I am sad that she is coming to MY house tomorrow

for Memorial Day weekend. I'm so glad I have therapy Monday. I'm going to

need it, lol.

In a message dated 5/21/2009 10:55:10 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

talexander73@... writes:

2 - You DO know my in-laws! Jail records, litters of children with no

means of support, not a high school diploma in the bunch - and the

parents-in-law throw up their hands and sigh, " You know how they are... " -

There

are never any consequences for what they do, just constant bailouts, nobody

stands up to them, there's always some kind of " circular argument " to

explain away the fact that they are shiftless, low-down bums... but I get

labeled " the difficult one. " Aaaaaagh. NC isn't distance enough to put between

them and me. -

> >

> > Reading these posts about it always being your fault in nada's eyes is

making me cringe as I read them and think back to how I behaved when my

kids were growing up.

> >

> > First off, as an only child, I had no idea about sibling rivalry. I

longed for a sibling growing up and thought my kids should appreciate their

sibling...but at the time all they did was fight. It drove me crazy.

> >

> > I was a regular attendee at Alanon in those days, and in that program

we are encouraged to take our own inventory and look for things you've done

to provoke ill will in others...so I tried to instill in my kids that they

needed to check their motives, especially when things go awry in

relationships, and make certain they react or do anything to cause other people

to

react. I sure hope they don't look back at that and think I was putting all

the blame on them, when I was merely trying to help them see things from a

different perspective. There are times I admit I doubted my kids innocence,

they did their fair share of instigating and I called them on it when they

did. But I also defended them when I felt they were in the right.

> >

> > Parenthood is so hard, because it takes years for you to see the fruit

of your labor especially if you made mistakes.

> >

> > Also when my kids were growing up, I had a lot of stress in my life.

My husband was an active alcoholic, we had a stillborn baby, and I ws trying

to recover from my childhood and keep my head above water for my kids. I

fear I behaved a lot more like nada at times than I'd like to admit or

remember...and I truly feel bad about that. New habits are not acquired over

night and stress does bring out the worst in all of us.

> >

> > I suppose every kid grows up to find fault with the way they were

raised, some of us more than others. Lord only knows what my sons think of me.

> >

> > 2

> >

>

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[Guest guest]

,

My fada-in-law was a hard worker and a caring person, but also a great enabler.

Nada-in-law is npd, a chronic liar and phony as a $3 bill.

My inlaws had their daugther move back home with children so many times that

they built and moved into a duplex so SIL and kids could have her own unit to

live in. How's that for a sweet bailout?

The only exception to the " inlaws being outlaws " rule is that whomever is

married to the oldest son gets treated like gold. After my BIL's first wife

left him, he met a married woman who sunk her claws into him and soon left her

husband and abandoned her 3 small children to run off with him. Nada-in-law

sees nothing wrong with this and worships the ground this woman walks on. BIL

and this woman who bacame wife #2, moved far away to avoid the small town

chatter their scandal created. Nada follows BIL around like a magnet and soon

nada was moving to that state to live near them. Last I heard, all of nada's

blood grandchildren's photos were taken down and photos of BIL's wife #2's kids

she abandoned now hang on nada's wall. Unbelievable.

Husband's parents owned a thriving family-owned business. My husband says he

feels like he was raised up to be an employee and his parents behaved more like

employers than parents. From the time he was 12, his parents would go away every

weekend to escape the pressures of the business. They would leave all 4 kids at

home, ranging from 18-12 years of age. There was parties at his house every

weekend, he started into drugs at 13 after his 17 year old sister turned him on.

Often his parents would leave on Thursday nights, so he wouldn't bother to go to

school on Fridays. His next older brother had juvenile diabetes, and my

husband, the youngest of the crowd, was given the duty of giving him the insulin

shots.

My husband is the only one in his FOO to seek help and enter into recovery

programs, and is treated like black sheep because of it. My husband's nada,

siblings, and nieces and nephews all have moved away from their hometown, while

we remain. They all come back from time to time but never bother to call or

visit. We ran into his nada at the video store...while she was here visiting

other family members. Talk about an awkward moment!

After every holiday or special occasion spent with husband's FOO, my head would

spin for 3 days afterwards...trying to process and make sense of their brand of

insanity.

2

> > >

> > > Reading these posts about it always being your fault in nada's eyes is

making me cringe as I read them and think back to how I behaved when my kids

were growing up.

> > >

> > > First off, as an only child, I had no idea about sibling rivalry. I

longed for a sibling growing up and thought my kids should appreciate their

sibling...but at the time all they did was fight. It drove me crazy.

> > >

> > > I was a regular attendee at Alanon in those days, and in that program we

are encouraged to take our own inventory and look for things you've done to

provoke ill will in others...so I tried to instill in my kids that they needed

to check their motives, especially when things go awry in relationships, and

make certain they react or do anything to cause other people to react. I sure

hope they don't look back at that and think I was putting all the blame on them,

when I was merely trying to help them see things from a different perspective.

There are times I admit I doubted my kids innocence, they did their fair share

of instigating and I called them on it when they did. But I also defended them

when I felt they were in the right.

> > >

> > > Parenthood is so hard, because it takes years for you to see the fruit of

your labor especially if you made mistakes.

> > >

> > > Also when my kids were growing up, I had a lot of stress in my life. My

husband was an active alcoholic, we had a stillborn baby, and I ws trying to

recover from my childhood and keep my head above water for my kids. I fear I

behaved a lot more like nada at times than I'd like to admit or remember...and I

truly feel bad about that. New habits are not acquired over night and stress

does bring out the worst in all of us.

> > >

> > > I suppose every kid grows up to find fault with the way they were raised,

some of us more than others. Lord only knows what my sons think of me.

> > >

> > > 2

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Well, I told my husband to stop by the liquor store tonight, lol.

I have Trazodone, so I'll just knock myself out and go to bed if I have

to. She is so coniving, though, she'll be up talking my husband into

divorcing me before it's all over. Unfortunately, this is how his family is

and 9

times out of 10, he will side with them....dysfunction and all.

As for the stealing -- I do get concerned that she would steal from me, so

I definitely keep items I don't want her nosing through under lock and key.

My husband's niece has already stolen from me. It's really stupid, silly

stuff...like she stole my $25 root lifter and Biolage shampoo...it was

about $50 worth of hair products, but that just shows me what she's capable of.

She also got on MY computer after I had taken her shopping for new

clothes, paid to get her hair done, AND paid her $50 for babysitting for 4

hours

and wrote on her myspace that I was her " so-called crazy aunt. " The thing

is, I have been married to my husband since she was 3 years old. I have

never been anything but good to her. Her mother doesn't buy her clothes or

get her hair done -- I am the only who always forked out money for it. Her

mother is very -- manish....in fact, the one cousin in my husband's family

who likes me (simply because she hates his family I'm sure) calls his

sister Cousin It. LOL. Anyway, my husband's neice is 19 and old enough to know

better and make her own opinions instead of being influenced that crazy

bunch. She wasn't smart enough to log out of her myspace before she left and

it was right on my screen when I turned the monitor on. I was angry and

logged out, called my husband and told him. He called his sister, she asked

Christy about it and Christy denied it. Offffff course.. So my husband

asked for her myspace password, but it was just enough time that passed for

her to go delete it. Then my husband told me he " didn't know who to

believe. " That truly irritated the crap out of me too. I have not spoken to

her

since before Christmas and don't intend to until she apologizes and admit

that she was lying.

In a message dated 5/22/2009 9:55:13 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

monicaanne63@... writes:

,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make sure that you have the time and place set aside

where you can go this weekend to escape the madness for a bit. This could

be a trigger for you, and you deserve to have a bubble of protection for

yourself. I wish there was a hotel they were staying at instead ... Keep a

stash of chocolate in your escape hatch, or a good book. I'm not a drinker or

I might suggest a cooler of beer! But seriously, you DO need and deserve a

place to disappear to even for a few minutes becs you know the air will be

thick with craziness.

Please take care,

**************Kick start your favorite grad’s career with mobile email for

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[Guest guest]

,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make sure that you have the time and place set aside where

you can go this weekend to escape the madness for a bit. This could be a trigger

for you, and you deserve to have a bubble of protection for yourself. I wish

there was a hotel they were staying at instead ... Keep a stash of chocolate in

your escape hatch, or a good book. I'm not a drinker or I might suggest a cooler

of beer! But seriously, you DO need and deserve a place to disappear to even for

a few minutes becs you know the air will be thick with craziness.

Please take care,

[Guest guest]

- If she ever lays a hand on somebody - telling them she's an RN - maybe

you can have her thrown in jail for practicing nursing without a license! (If

only...) My Nada doesn't tell people she's a nurse, but she freely dispenses

medical advice to everyone, including her own MD's, one of whom used to call her

" Doctor " - she sees somebody on Montel or Oprah with some kind of disease or

condition, and suddenly she's on the phone, diagnosing me long-distance. If she

ever discovers WebMD or Grateful Med online, I'm DOOMED. -

> > >

> > > Reading these posts about it always being your fault in nada's eyes is

> making me cringe as I read them and think back to how I behaved when my

> kids were growing up.

> > >

> > > First off, as an only child, I had no idea about sibling rivalry. I

> longed for a sibling growing up and thought my kids should appreciate their

> sibling...but at the time all they did was fight. It drove me crazy.

> > >

> > > I was a regular attendee at Alanon in those days, and in that program

> we are encouraged to take our own inventory and look for things you've done

> to provoke ill will in others...so I tried to instill in my kids that they

> needed to check their motives, especially when things go awry in

> relationships, and make certain they react or do anything to cause other

people to

> react. I sure hope they don't look back at that and think I was putting all

> the blame on them, when I was merely trying to help them see things from a

> different perspective. There are times I admit I doubted my kids innocence,

> they did their fair share of instigating and I called them on it when they

> did. But I also defended them when I felt they were in the right.

> > >

> > > Parenthood is so hard, because it takes years for you to see the fruit

> of your labor especially if you made mistakes.

> > >

> > > Also when my kids were growing up, I had a lot of stress in my life.

> My husband was an active alcoholic, we had a stillborn baby, and I ws trying

> to recover from my childhood and keep my head above water for my kids. I

> fear I behaved a lot more like nada at times than I'd like to admit or

> remember...and I truly feel bad about that. New habits are not acquired over

> night and stress does bring out the worst in all of us.

> > >

> > > I suppose every kid grows up to find fault with the way they were

> raised, some of us more than others. Lord only knows what my sons think of

me.

> > >

> > > 2

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

> **************Kick start your favorite grad’s career with mobile email for

> under $50.

>

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>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Jackie,

My nada was the same way...it could be blue as the sky and she'd insist it was

red. And she too has never once admitted to being wrong. No need to apologize

when you never make a mistake. I always felt she acted as if she were " Miss

Perfect " while being harshly critical of any errors and shortcomings in others.

One of the most judgemental persons I know.

Growing up I always saw her flaws and would argue with her til the cows come

home, trying to get her to admit she was wrong. Never happened.

2

>

> 2,

>

> I'm sure there's a huge difference in your parenting skills than in my nadas

> !! My nada would say I was wrong if I disagreed with what she said..if I

> found a factual book that proved I was right, she'd STILL say I AND the book

> were wrong...I was never right, even when I was right...and nada was always

> right, even when she was wrong!! also, it wasn't just a once in a while

> thing...it was constant !!

>

> Jackie

>

>

>

>

> Reading these posts about it always being your fault in nada's eyes is

> making me cringe as I read them and think back to how I behaved when my kids

> were growing up.

>

> First off, as an only child, I had no idea about sibling rivalry. I longed

> for a sibling growing up and thought my kids should appreciate their

> sibling...but at the time all they did was fight. It drove me crazy.

>

> I was a regular attendee at Alanon in those days, and in that program we are

> encouraged to take our own inventory and look for things you've done to

> provoke ill will in others...so I tried to instill in my kids that they

> needed to check their motives, especially when things go awry in

> relationships, and make certain they react or do anything to cause other

> people to react. I sure hope they don't look back at that and think I was

> putting all the blame on them, when I was merely trying to help them see

> things from a different perspective. There are times I admit I doubted my

> kids innocence, they did their fair share of instigating and I called them

> on it when they did. But I also defended them when I felt they were in the

> right.

>

> Parenthood is so hard, because it takes years for you to see the fruit of

> your labor especially if you made mistakes.

>

> Also when my kids were growing up, I had a lot of stress in my life. My

> husband was an active alcoholic, we had a stillborn baby, and I ws trying to

> recover from my childhood and keep my head above water for my kids. I fear

> I behaved a lot more like nada at times than I'd like to admit or

> remember...and I truly feel bad about that. New habits are not acquired

> over night and stress does bring out the worst in all of us.

>

> I suppose every kid grows up to find fault with the way they were raised,

> some of us more than others. Lord only knows what my sons think of me.

>

> 2

>

[Guest guest]

your nada sounds just like mine !!! she thinks she's perfect..I guess that's

the NP in her, she's never apologized, ever..not even when she punished me

for what she thought I did and one of my siblings admitted that they did it,

not me...she'd just turn to me and say " well, that's for something you did

do and got away with " what little respect I may have had for her plummeted

....

Jackie

Jackie,

My nada was the same way...it could be blue as the sky and she'd insist it

was red. And she too has never once admitted to being wrong. No need to

apologize when you never make a mistake. I always felt she acted as if she

were " Miss Perfect " while being harshly critical of any errors and

shortcomings in others. One of the most judgemental persons I know.

Growing up I always saw her flaws and would argue with her til the cows come

home, trying to get her to admit she was wrong. Never happened.

2

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

First off, I'm no expert on BPD, but it seems very unlikely to me that you

suffer from it. It seems like someone with BPD, if they were asking anything

about this situation at all, it would be something like, " although up until now

my therapist seemed very helpful and all-good, am I right in assuming - based on

her taking these phone calls during my session and her not returning my text

messages immediately (she PROMISED she would reply immediately!) - that I was

mistaken, and she is in fact all-bad? " I mean, I just can't imagine someone with

BPD working so hard to question the correctness of their OWN feelings and

behavior.

But, more importantly, I'm thinking that it might be a good idea to start giving

more credence to your own emotional reactions. Maybe your therapist has a very

compelling reason for taking those calls. (Maybe she has a very fragile patient

with no other support system who is at high risk of suicide. Who knows?) Maybe

she doesn't have such a great reason, and she's in fact doing something she

shouldn't really be doing, even though she's otherwise a great therapist. Maybe

she's not such a great therapist after all, and this will turn out to be part of

a larger pattern of unprofessional behavior. But whatever it is, it doesn't

change the fact that the interruption bothers you, and why should you have to

internalize your bad feelings? I mean, if there's one person you shouldn't have

to protect from your negative emotions, it's your therapist, right?

So, isn't it totally valid for you to say something like, " I feel really

uncomfortable saying this, because I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or

something, but it bothers me when you take a phone call in the middle of my

session. " Then she can apologize or explain the reason, or even - I guess - try

to explore the reasons for your " unreasonable " reaction. (I don't think your

reaction is at all unreasonable, but I'm just another confused KO. What do I

know?) But, whatever her response, at least you've expressed your feelings in an

appropriate way, instead of suppressing them.

This issue really strikes a chord with me, because I'm always doing the same

thing - questioning my feelings, trying to figure out whether they're justified,

and suppressing the negative ones most of the time. And whenever I do confront

people with my bad feelings, I usually start crying right away. It's kind of a

mess. I guess I'm just so scared they're going to hate me forever if I say

anything negative. (I wonder where I got that idea? Ha-ha.) But whenever I do

work up the courage for one of these confrontations, it always seems to be worth

it. It seems like almost all the time, the other person validates my feelings in

some way. (They apologize, they can " see why I would feel that way, " they say

others have told them the same thing, whatever...) I can't even remember an

occasion where the other person just thought I was completely nuts or decided to

hate me forever!

OK, I can see I am giving myself a pep talk here, at least as much as I am

trying to encourage you... :-)

-Kris

>

> I do some projection/transference, but it's rare. I have done it more in

> the past than I do now that I'm a little older. I so don't want to and I

> work very hard NOT to. I understand that my therapist is not my mother and

> that she has a life and has patients other than me, lol. I try to

> understand that. I guess I get upset about it and yet she told me up front

that it

> will either be a long time between texts or she won't text because of her

> schedule. I totally understand. I don't want her to change that or modify it

> for me or come across to her as I want her to bend over backwards to

> contact me.

>

> I guess I have a really hard time knowing when I am being realistic and

> have a right to feel hurt or sad and when my emotions are disregulated and

> what I'm feeling is a direct result of my BPD upbringing and my BPD " flea " so

> to speak. I know being a child in my circumstances was tough, but I also

> know that every negative feeling I have isn't abnormal. I just don't know

> when I am crossing over into that abnormal range.

>

> I have had a couple of experiences that I have not mentioned to my

> therapist (I dearly love her and she is really a great therapist -- very

caring).

> But a couple of times I have gotten there and she has taken " emergency

> calls " right in the middle of our session. I ignored it and tried not to

show

> that it bothered me because again, I don't know if being bothered by that

> would be normal. However, I have called her once " urgently " and she didn't

> call me back for like 4 hours. I don't know....I am bothered by weird

> crap and I NEVER say anything. I just internalize it all.

>

>

> In a message dated 5/20/2009 6:03:58 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

> climberkayak@... writes:

>

[Guest guest]

thats so sad, 2...my nada called me girl when she was very angry with

me..like in " I don't know what I'm going to do with you, girl! " My fada

always called my by my oldests sisters name...and we don't look anything

alike

Jackie

I had a very lonely childhood too. I grew up an only child in a 2 street

neighborhood a mile out of town, and most of the neighborhood kids were

boys. We played together until I was about 12 and started developing, then

I got self-conscious and stayed at home, spent a lot of time in my room too,

when I wasn't having to shovel up the dog piles in the back yard, mow the

lawn, or weed the vegetable garden. Around the time I was 12 my nada started

a cold war with her mother, and the two didn't speak for 4 years...during

that time my nada used me as her scapegoat, venting onto me the guilt that

she wouldn't admit to having. Everything I did was scrutinized, criticized

and belittled. Then she and fada started calling me " GIRL " instead of my

name, and ordered me around, saying " GIRL, go let the dogs out " ... " GIRL, go

bring me a pepsi. " I got very depressed and had no self-esteem after

that...such a lovely way to transition into teenage years.

[Guest guest]

yes, I stayed in my room a lot too...I read a LOT of books when I was a

kid..to escape..

Jackie

Mine was always pushing me away -- telling me I was nagging her and

stressing her. I stayed in my room a lot. My therapist told me the other day