Re: Overreaction to situations that trigger and getti...

[Guest guest]

Thank you for the reassurance I am not in this alone. I hate that you all

know how I feel, but at the same time, it helps to know others

understand...in a twisted sort of way.

I think a good point was brought up here too and that's the blame game.

Everything, when I was little, was my fault. If I got into an argument with

playmate, my mother ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS took the other child's side.

However, I'd go to a playmate's house and if we argued (as sometimes kids do)

the mother would take their child's side. So it left me feeling really

betrayed all the time and almost like no one was ever one my side.

I get very upset and again, OVERREACT even now if I think someone doesn't

take my side about something or even just innocently plays the devils

advocate. I hate it when my husband does it especially because he's married to

ME and I feel like he should be siding with me.

I know it stems from childhood. I know, I know, I know it does and I hate

it, but I feel powerless to stop these feelings sometimes.

Of course, being DID doesn't help my situation.

I have so much work to do in therapy.

It overwhelms me just thinking about it.

One day at a time I guess.

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[Guest guest]

I hope I can get to the point where it doesn't bother me either. I get

very upset when my husband does it especially.

My sister and I recently got into a silly little tiff and my husband

actually defended her. I didn't speak to him all day. I was furious.

I also have a real problem with people not doing what they say they're

going to do...ONCE AGAIN I OVERREACT. Then I feel bad when someone has a good

excuse.

Like if my therapist says she'll call at 2 and she doesn't call and it

becomes 3 or 4, I will call her. LOL I just start going into these OCD-like

extremes of what if something happened to her or what if I made her mad

about something or what if she forgot.

Gosh, this message board has made me realize I have more issues than I

thought.

In a message dated 5/20/2009 4:18:17 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

sleddog@... writes:

, my nada did the SAME thing to me..I was always ALWAYS wrong..the

other person was always right.....my nada always stood up for the other

person against me...no matter what !! I remember fights where I'd yell

that

she NEVER takes my side..I'm 50, and nada has never ever taken my side of

anything...I don't like it when hubby doesn't take my side, but it doesn't

bother me as much as it used to..

Jackie

Thank you for the reassurance I am not in this alone. I hate that you all

know how I feel, but at the same time, it helps to know others

understand..understand..<WBR>.in a twi

I think a good point was brought up here too and that's the blame game.

Everything, when I was little, was my fault. If I got into an argument with

playmate, my mother ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS took the other child's side.

However, I'd go to a playmate's house and if we argued (as sometimes kids

do)

the mother would take their child's side. So it left me feeling really

betrayed all the time and almost like no one was ever one my side.

I get very upset and again, OVERREACT even now if I think someone doesn't

take my side about something or even just innocently plays the devils

advocate. I hate it when my husband does it especially because he's

married to

ME and I feel like he should be siding with me.

I know it stems from childhood. I know, I know, I know it does and I hate

it, but I feel powerless to stop these feelings sometimes.

Of course, being DID doesn't help my situation.

I have so much work to do in therapy.

It overwhelms me just thinking about it.

One day at a time I guess.

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[Guest guest]

YES!! If my husband and I argued she would say, " What did you do to him? "

Umm, hello! Not everything is MY fault....

In a message dated 5/20/2009 4:32:37 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

vegdeanna@... writes:

My nada also always took the other person's side, even from the time I was

very little. If someone hit me, it was " what did you do to make him hit

you? " She seemed to think me just inherently mischievious, dishonest, and

evil.

-Deanna

>

> , my nada did the SAME thing to me..I was always ALWAYS wrong..the

> other person was always right.....my nada always stood up for the other

> person against me...no matter what !! I remember fights where I'd yell

that

> she NEVER takes my side..I'm 50, and nada has never ever taken my side

of

> anything...I don't like it when hubby doesn't take my side, but it

doesn't

> bother me as much as it used to..

>

>

> Jackie

>

>

>

> Thank you for the reassurance I am not in this alone. I hate that you all

> know how I feel, but at the same time, it helps to know others

> understand.. understand..<WBR>.in a twiste

>

> I think a good point was brought up here too and that's the blame game.

>

> Everything, when I was little, was my fault. If I got into an argument

with

> playmate, my mother ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS took the other child's side.

> However, I'd go to a playmate's house and if we argued (as sometimes

kids

> do)

> the mother would take their child's side. So it left me feeling really

> betrayed all the time and almost like no one was ever one my side.

>

> I get very upset and again, OVERREACT even now if I think someone doesn't

> take my side about something or even just innocently plays the devils

> advocate. I hate it when my husband does it especially because he's

> married to

> ME and I feel like he should be siding with me.

>

> I know it stems from childhood. I know, I know, I know it does and I hate

> it, but I feel powerless to stop these feelings sometimes.

>

> Of course, being DID doesn't help my situation.

>

> I have so much work to do in therapy.

>

> It overwhelms me just thinking about it.

>

> One day at a time I guess.

>

>

>

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[Guest guest]

YES!! If my husband and I argued she would say, " What did you do to him? "

Umm, hello! Not everything is MY fault....

In a message dated 5/20/2009 4:32:37 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

vegdeanna@... writes:

My nada also always took the other person's side, even from the time I was

very little. If someone hit me, it was " what did you do to make him hit

you? " She seemed to think me just inherently mischievious, dishonest, and

evil.

-Deanna

>

> , my nada did the SAME thing to me..I was always ALWAYS wrong..the

> other person was always right.....my nada always stood up for the other

> person against me...no matter what !! I remember fights where I'd yell

that

> she NEVER takes my side..I'm 50, and nada has never ever taken my side

of

> anything...I don't like it when hubby doesn't take my side, but it

doesn't

> bother me as much as it used to..

>

>

> Jackie

>

>

>

> Thank you for the reassurance I am not in this alone. I hate that you all

> know how I feel, but at the same time, it helps to know others

> understand.. understand..<WBR>.in a twiste

>

> I think a good point was brought up here too and that's the blame game.

>

> Everything, when I was little, was my fault. If I got into an argument

with

> playmate, my mother ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS took the other child's side.

> However, I'd go to a playmate's house and if we argued (as sometimes

kids

> do)

> the mother would take their child's side. So it left me feeling really

> betrayed all the time and almost like no one was ever one my side.

>

> I get very upset and again, OVERREACT even now if I think someone doesn't

> take my side about something or even just innocently plays the devils

> advocate. I hate it when my husband does it especially because he's

> married to

> ME and I feel like he should be siding with me.

>

> I know it stems from childhood. I know, I know, I know it does and I hate

> it, but I feel powerless to stop these feelings sometimes.

>

> Of course, being DID doesn't help my situation.

>

> I have so much work to do in therapy.

>

> It overwhelms me just thinking about it.

>

> One day at a time I guess.

>

>

>

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[Guest guest]

I had a similar thing happen... a neighborhood girl stole a record of mine

(this was the 80's here..I am in my 30's). When my mother was presented

with the fact that this girl had stolen my record, she 1.) got mad at me for

leaving taking it to the girl's house and 2.) just told me not to pay with

her anymore.

By the end of 5th grade, I was pretty much banned from playing with anyone

in the neighborhood because my mother couldn't get along with the parents.

She would fight with them, so I wouldn't be allowed to play with their

kids.

In a message dated 5/20/2009 5:02:34 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

anuria-67854@... writes:

Wow, it never ceases to amaze me when our various nadas have these

peculiar, abnormal behaviors in common. I could never count on my nada to take

my

side in any situation either, she'd take the other person's side and blame

me, like, 99% of the time.

I do remember one lone incident where I came to both my parents and

reported that a neighbor child took my new bike, and nada didn't believe me,

but

then through our front window we all saw the neighbor kid riding my bike!

But if the evidence hadn't presented itself at that moment I know that my

nada would have dismissed me and ignored my problem. Dad hated confrontations

and left all such things to nada, so, he was no help as I recall.

-Annie

>

> My nada also always took the other person's side, even from the time I

was very little. If someone hit me, it was " what did you do to make him hit

you? " She seemed to think me just inherently mischievious, dishonest, and

evil.

>

> -Deanna

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[Guest guest]

I had a similar thing happen... a neighborhood girl stole a record of mine

(this was the 80's here..I am in my 30's). When my mother was presented

with the fact that this girl had stolen my record, she 1.) got mad at me for

leaving taking it to the girl's house and 2.) just told me not to pay with

her anymore.

By the end of 5th grade, I was pretty much banned from playing with anyone

in the neighborhood because my mother couldn't get along with the parents.

She would fight with them, so I wouldn't be allowed to play with their

kids.

In a message dated 5/20/2009 5:02:34 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

anuria-67854@... writes:

Wow, it never ceases to amaze me when our various nadas have these

peculiar, abnormal behaviors in common. I could never count on my nada to take

my

side in any situation either, she'd take the other person's side and blame

me, like, 99% of the time.

I do remember one lone incident where I came to both my parents and

reported that a neighbor child took my new bike, and nada didn't believe me,

but

then through our front window we all saw the neighbor kid riding my bike!

But if the evidence hadn't presented itself at that moment I know that my

nada would have dismissed me and ignored my problem. Dad hated confrontations

and left all such things to nada, so, he was no help as I recall.

-Annie

>

> My nada also always took the other person's side, even from the time I

was very little. If someone hit me, it was " what did you do to make him hit

you? " She seemed to think me just inherently mischievious, dishonest, and

evil.

>

> -Deanna

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[Guest guest]

I think we all had the same mother with different skin.

My mother even talked bad about me to my own friends and their parents. It

was really embarrassing. Like if I lied -- as kids sometimes do -- she

would blab it to everybody. I'd be sitting there while she was on the phone

and she would be talking to a friend and say, " I don't know what to do. She

lies about everything. It's not normal. " I am overhearing this constantly.

I remember her shaking me once by the shoulders and screaming " WHY CAN'T

YOU JUST BE NORMAL???! " This was about 2 days after she had run into the

bathroom with a gun threatening to blow her brains out and my dad and uncle

had to kick the door in and get her out. I should have screamed back " WHY

AREN'T YOU? "

In a message dated 5/20/2009 5:14:08 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

sleddog@... writes:

oh, exactly !! nada would do the same to me...if a friend and I had a

fight,

she'd asked what did *I* do to the friend !! yup, it was always my fault...

Jackie

My nada also always took the other person's side, even from the time I was

very little. If someone hit me, it was " what did you do to make him hit

you? " She seemed to think me just inherently mischievious, dishonest, and

evil.

-Deanna

**************Dell Inspiron 15 Laptop: Now in 6 vibrant colors! Shop Dell’s

full line of laptops.

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[Guest guest]

I think we all had the same mother with different skin.

My mother even talked bad about me to my own friends and their parents. It

was really embarrassing. Like if I lied -- as kids sometimes do -- she

would blab it to everybody. I'd be sitting there while she was on the phone

and she would be talking to a friend and say, " I don't know what to do. She

lies about everything. It's not normal. " I am overhearing this constantly.

I remember her shaking me once by the shoulders and screaming " WHY CAN'T

YOU JUST BE NORMAL???! " This was about 2 days after she had run into the

bathroom with a gun threatening to blow her brains out and my dad and uncle

had to kick the door in and get her out. I should have screamed back " WHY

AREN'T YOU? "

In a message dated 5/20/2009 5:14:08 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

sleddog@... writes:

oh, exactly !! nada would do the same to me...if a friend and I had a

fight,

she'd asked what did *I* do to the friend !! yup, it was always my fault...

Jackie

My nada also always took the other person's side, even from the time I was

very little. If someone hit me, it was " what did you do to make him hit

you? " She seemed to think me just inherently mischievious, dishonest, and

evil.

-Deanna

**************Dell Inspiron 15 Laptop: Now in 6 vibrant colors! Shop Dell’s

full line of laptops.

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[Guest guest]

Well, I am having a real issue right now that scares the hell out of me

that I have pushed myself into some form of bpd-ism.

My therapist has me texting her every day at noon. It worked great when

she was out of town. She texted me back shortly thereafter and I didn't

feel all alone. Well, when she came back, she felt it worked so well and made

me feel not alone at all, that she told me she wants me to text her every

day for awhile -- at noon. Now, she did say that she might not always get

to text me back due to her busy schedule. I'm not sure I really heard that,

though, because until Monday, she was texting me back.

Well, Monday she didn't and yesterday she didn't until like 10 last night.

But by then, my anxiety was maxed out. I wondered if something was wrong,

if she was mad,etc. Then I felt like an idiot when she finally text'd me.

I did not text her again, mind you. I mean, I didn't psyco-text her or

email or call or anything...but I felt horrible and rather than it helping, it

made me feel soooo alone because the conversation felt all one-sided.

So I did send her an email and explain that I understood it was supposed to

help me but that it was really causing me anxiety.

This feels weird to me....lol.

In a message dated 5/20/2009 5:28:31 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

sleddog@... writes:

your young...I was more like you when I was young too...I used to think my

husband defended others, but as I've gotten older, I see he's trying to

get

me to see their point of view..he really doesn't care about the argument,

and isn't on anyone's side..I, too, used to expect someone to call when

they

said they would ( a nadaism) but learned things come up, people get

busy/forget, and it's not a reflection on me ...I have done it others, and

know it wasn't intentional.know it wasn't intentional.<WBR>.it's easy to

get de

have too many irons in the fire :-)

Jackie

I hope I can get to the point where it doesn't bother me either. I get

very upset when my husband does it especially.

My sister and I recently got into a silly little tiff and my husband

actually defended her. I didn't speak to him all day. I was furious.

I also have a real problem with people not doing what they say they're

going to do...ONCE AGAIN I OVERREACT. Then I feel bad when someone has a

good

excuse.

Like if my therapist says she'll call at 2 and she doesn't call and it

becomes 3 or 4, I will call her. LOL I just start going into these

OCD-like

extremes of what if something happened to her or what if I made her mad

about something or what if she forgot.

Gosh, this message board has made me realize I have more issues than I

thought.

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[Guest guest]

Thats how my mother in law is with me. She is nice to my face, lol.

In a message dated 5/20/2009 6:20:45 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

sleddog@... writes:

oh that's my nada !! my oldest brother is her favorite and can do no

wrong..and he married a WITCH ( in nadas words, not in mine) and nada has

hated sil all these years, but to her face she's really nice, behind her

back she says the most awful things, and that she has my brother wrapped

around her finger..nada is very jealous of sil !!

Jackie

Interestingly, on the OTHER side of that, my brother is NEVER wrong. Any

argument he has with his wife, she takes his side. She won't even concede

that he has ANY role in any problem. It's all HER.

-Deanna

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[Guest guest]

Thank you for the encouragement. I hope you are right.

In a message dated 5/20/2009 6:32:26 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

sleddog@... writes:

you have nada fleas...you have picked up behaviors/attitudesyou have nada

patterns that your nada did, because that's all you know...your therapist

can help you past this...I had many fleas too..I probably still have some,

but they aren't troublesome any more...I used to have all the colored

glasses stacked with this color with that..and they couldn't be mixed

up....that was a nadaism !! she'd drag me out of bed to rearrange things

if I put things away " wrong " so it " rubbed " off on me...one hubby unleaded

the dishwasher, and stacked the glasses " wrong " I nearly had a

heartattack,

and although I did yell/scream/and although I did yell/scream/<WBR>say

nasty thin

I did have to restack the glasses...one day I just decided this was

stupid...the world will NOT end because the glasses are stacked with the

wrong color..and I closed my eyes, and stacked the glasses...when I opened

my eyes GASP the glasses were stacked wrong, and I closed the cupboard

doors...it took a month or two to get over it..but now it doesn't bother

me

one bit LOL the same for the way towels are folded in the closet...nada

used to freak out and rage if they weren't folded just so...I never had

that, but had the " need " to fold them the " right " way because I knew the

consequences on not doing it right...didn'consequences on not doing it

right.

400+ miles away from nada..the training was still there...now I fold them

however, and put them in the closet...those of us with witchy nadas

have/had

fleas...there'fleas...there'<WBR>s not getting around it...that's how we

wer

panic of going against that training is very deeply imbedded into our

brains

from the time we were born !! That does NOT mean we are BPD or even psycho

....we were just taught serious things happen if you don't follow nadas

weird

rules.. yes, it takes time to get over these " silly " things...and they do

cause a lot of anxiety until they do...you'll get there, dear daughter,

just

wait and see :-)

Jackie

Well, I am having a real issue right now that scares the hell out of me

that I have pushed myself into some form of bpd-ism.

My therapist has me texting her every day at noon. It worked great when

she was out of town. She texted me back shortly thereafter and I didn't

feel all alone. Well, when she came back, she felt it worked so well and

made

me feel not alone at all, that she told me she wants me to text her every

day for awhile -- at noon. Now, she did say that she might not always get

to text me back due to her busy schedule. I'm not sure I really heard that,

though, because until Monday, she was texting me back.

Well, Monday she didn't and yesterday she didn't until like 10 last night.

But by then, my anxiety was maxed out. I wondered if something was wrong,

if she was mad,etc. Then I felt like an idiot when she finally text'd me.

I did not text her again, mind you. I mean, I didn't psyco-text her or

email or call or anything...but I felt horrible and rather than it

helping,

it

made me feel soooo alone because the conversation felt all one-sided.

So I did send her an email and explain that I understood it was supposed to

help me but that it was really causing me anxiety.

This feels weird to me....lol.

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[Guest guest]

I do some projection/transference, but it's rare. I have done it more in

the past than I do now that I'm a little older. I so don't want to and I

work very hard NOT to. I understand that my therapist is not my mother and

that she has a life and has patients other than me, lol. I try to

understand that. I guess I get upset about it and yet she told me up front

that it

will either be a long time between texts or she won't text because of her

schedule. I totally understand. I don't want her to change that or modify it

for me or come across to her as I want her to bend over backwards to

contact me.

I guess I have a really hard time knowing when I am being realistic and

have a right to feel hurt or sad and when my emotions are disregulated and

what I'm feeling is a direct result of my BPD upbringing and my BPD " flea " so

to speak. I know being a child in my circumstances was tough, but I also

know that every negative feeling I have isn't abnormal. I just don't know

when I am crossing over into that abnormal range.

I have had a couple of experiences that I have not mentioned to my

therapist (I dearly love her and she is really a great therapist -- very

caring).

But a couple of times I have gotten there and she has taken " emergency

calls " right in the middle of our session. I ignored it and tried not to show

that it bothered me because again, I don't know if being bothered by that

would be normal. However, I have called her once " urgently " and she didn't

call me back for like 4 hours. I don't know....I am bothered by weird

crap and I NEVER say anything. I just internalize it all.

In a message dated 5/20/2009 6:03:58 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

climberkayak@... writes:

, I've avoided over the years contacting therapists inbetween sessions

even though they sometimes say it is okay for exactly this reason. The

experience of reaching out to someone I expect to be there and not getting a

response in a certain window is triggering for me. So I can relate to your

anxiety when the text didn't come till hours later. It probably is a big

bpd-flea but it could also just be that we didn't have reliable response from

our nadas growing up and it taps into those painful stored memories.

In general about the topic of triggers - how can we (all KO's) not have

them? There's no one with the power to influence those first memories like

one's mother. Our mothers were crazy. So there's going to be things like

- inconsistent responses from others

- anger in others

- projection from others

- withholding of love, gratitude, appreciation from others

- emotional manipulation from others

- oh I'll just stop now this list would be huge

you get the idea...all those things have extra kick to affect us or

trigger us because of what went before. I'm still in the heart of working with

this, but the one thing I've learned is that being present with my feelings,

knowing what they are is the first step - I still tend to repress

automatically if I'm not careful.

--- In _WTOAdultChildren1@WTOAdultChilWTO_

(mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ) , Hummingbird1298@, Humm

>

> Well, I am having a real issue right now that scares the hell out of me

> that I have pushed myself into some form of bpd-ism.

>

> My therapist has me texting her every day at noon. It worked great when

> she was out of town. She texted me back shortly thereafter and I didn't

> feel all alone. Well, when she came back, she felt it worked so well and

made

> me feel not alone at all, that she told me she wants me to text her

every

> day for awhile -- at noon. Now, she did say that she might not always

get

> to text me back due to her busy schedule. I'm not sure I really heard

that,

> though, because until Monday, she was texting me back.

>

> Well, Monday she didn't and yesterday she didn't until like 10 last

night.

> But by then, my anxiety was maxed out. I wondered if something was

wrong,

> if she was mad,etc. Then I felt like an idiot when she finally text'd

me.

> I did not text her again, mind you. I mean, I didn't psyco-text her or

> email or call or anything...but I felt horrible and rather than it

helping, it

> made me feel soooo alone because the conversation felt all one-sided.

>

> So I did send her an email and explain that I understood it was supposed

to

> help me but that it was really causing me anxiety.

>

> This feels weird to me....lol.

>

>

> In a message dated 5/20/2009 5:28:31 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

> sleddog@... writes:

>

>

>

>

>

> your young...I was more like you when I was young too...I used to think

my

> husband defended others, but as I've gotten older, I see he's trying to

> get

> me to see their point of view..he really doesn't care about the

argument,

> and isn't on anyone's side..I, too, used to expect someone to call when

> they

> said they would ( a nadaism) but learned things come up, people get

> busy/forget, and it's not a reflection on me ...I have done it others,

and

> know it wasn't intentional. know it wasn't

intentional.<WB<WBR>.it'.it'<WBR>s

> get de

> have too many irons in the fire :-)

>

> Jackie

>

> I hope I can get to the point where it doesn't bother me either. I get

> very upset when my husband does it especially.

>

> My sister and I recently got into a silly little tiff and my husband

> actually defended her. I didn't speak to him all day. I was furious.

>

> I also have a real problem with people not doing what they say they're

> going to do...ONCE AGAIN I OVERREACT. Then I feel bad when someone has a

> good

> excuse.

>

> Like if my therapist says she'll call at 2 and she doesn't call and it

> becomes 3 or 4, I will call her. LOL I just start going into these

> OCD-like

> extremes of what if something happened to her or what if I made her mad

> about something or what if she forgot.

>

> Gosh, this message board has made me realize I have more issues than I

> thought.

>

>

>

>

>

> ************ ************<WBR>**Dell Inspiron 15 Laptop: Now in 6

vibrant colors! S

> full line of laptops.

>

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k.net/clk;215073777;3703434)

> 3%3Bf)

>

>

> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

>

**************Dell Inspiron 15 Laptop: Now in 6 vibrant colors! Shop Dell’s

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[Guest guest]

, my nada did the SAME thing to me..I was always ALWAYS wrong..the

other person was always right.....my nada always stood up for the other

person against me...no matter what !! I remember fights where I'd yell that

she NEVER takes my side..I'm 50, and nada has never ever taken my side of

anything...I don't like it when hubby doesn't take my side, but it doesn't

bother me as much as it used to..

Jackie

Thank you for the reassurance I am not in this alone. I hate that you all

know how I feel, but at the same time, it helps to know others

understand...in a twisted sort of way.

I think a good point was brought up here too and that's the blame game.

Everything, when I was little, was my fault. If I got into an argument with

playmate, my mother ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS took the other child's side.

However, I'd go to a playmate's house and if we argued (as sometimes kids

do)

the mother would take their child's side. So it left me feeling really

betrayed all the time and almost like no one was ever one my side.

I get very upset and again, OVERREACT even now if I think someone doesn't

take my side about something or even just innocently plays the devils

advocate. I hate it when my husband does it especially because he's

married to

ME and I feel like he should be siding with me.

I know it stems from childhood. I know, I know, I know it does and I hate

it, but I feel powerless to stop these feelings sometimes.

Of course, being DID doesn't help my situation.

I have so much work to do in therapy.

It overwhelms me just thinking about it.

One day at a time I guess.

[Guest guest]

My nada also always took the other person's side, even from the time I was very

little. If someone hit me, it was " what did you do to make him hit you? " She

seemed to think me just inherently mischievious, dishonest, and evil.

-Deanna

>

> , my nada did the SAME thing to me..I was always ALWAYS wrong..the

> other person was always right.....my nada always stood up for the other

> person against me...no matter what !! I remember fights where I'd yell that

> she NEVER takes my side..I'm 50, and nada has never ever taken my side of

> anything...I don't like it when hubby doesn't take my side, but it doesn't

> bother me as much as it used to..

>

>

> Jackie

>

>

>

> Thank you for the reassurance I am not in this alone. I hate that you all

> know how I feel, but at the same time, it helps to know others

> understand...in a twisted sort of way.

>

> I think a good point was brought up here too and that's the blame game.

>

> Everything, when I was little, was my fault. If I got into an argument with

> playmate, my mother ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS took the other child's side.

> However, I'd go to a playmate's house and if we argued (as sometimes kids

> do)

> the mother would take their child's side. So it left me feeling really

> betrayed all the time and almost like no one was ever one my side.

>

> I get very upset and again, OVERREACT even now if I think someone doesn't

> take my side about something or even just innocently plays the devils

> advocate. I hate it when my husband does it especially because he's

> married to

> ME and I feel like he should be siding with me.

>

> I know it stems from childhood. I know, I know, I know it does and I hate

> it, but I feel powerless to stop these feelings sometimes.

>

> Of course, being DID doesn't help my situation.

>

> I have so much work to do in therapy.

>

> It overwhelms me just thinking about it.

>

> One day at a time I guess.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, it never ceases to amaze me when our various nadas have these peculiar,

abnormal behaviors in common. I could never count on my nada to take my side in

any situation either, she'd take the other person's side and blame me, like, 99%

of the time.

I do remember one lone incident where I came to both my parents and reported

that a neighbor child took my new bike, and nada didn't believe me, but then

through our front window we all saw the neighbor kid riding my bike! But if the

evidence hadn't presented itself at that moment I know that my nada would have

dismissed me and ignored my problem. Dad hated confrontations and left all such

things to nada, so, he was no help as I recall.

-Annie

>

> My nada also always took the other person's side, even from the time I was

very little. If someone hit me, it was " what did you do to make him hit you? "

She seemed to think me just inherently mischievious, dishonest, and evil.

>

> -Deanna

[Guest guest]

Wow, it never ceases to amaze me when our various nadas have these peculiar,

abnormal behaviors in common. I could never count on my nada to take my side in

any situation either, she'd take the other person's side and blame me, like, 99%

of the time.

I do remember one lone incident where I came to both my parents and reported

that a neighbor child took my new bike, and nada didn't believe me, but then

through our front window we all saw the neighbor kid riding my bike! But if the

evidence hadn't presented itself at that moment I know that my nada would have

dismissed me and ignored my problem. Dad hated confrontations and left all such

things to nada, so, he was no help as I recall.

-Annie

>

> My nada also always took the other person's side, even from the time I was

very little. If someone hit me, it was " what did you do to make him hit you? "

She seemed to think me just inherently mischievious, dishonest, and evil.

>

> -Deanna

[Guest guest]

oh, exactly !! nada would do the same to me...if a friend and I had a fight,

she'd asked what did *I* do to the friend !! yup, it was always my fault...

Jackie

My nada also always took the other person's side, even from the time I was

very little. If someone hit me, it was " what did you do to make him hit

you? " She seemed to think me just inherently mischievious, dishonest, and

evil.

-Deanna

[Guest guest]

your young...I was more like you when I was young too...I used to think my

husband defended others, but as I've gotten older, I see he's trying to get

me to see their point of view..he really doesn't care about the argument,

and isn't on anyone's side..I, too, used to expect someone to call when they

said they would ( a nadaism) but learned things come up, people get

busy/forget, and it's not a reflection on me ...I have done it others, and

know it wasn't intentional..it's easy to get destracted, especially if you

have too many irons in the fire :-)

Jackie

I hope I can get to the point where it doesn't bother me either. I get

very upset when my husband does it especially.

My sister and I recently got into a silly little tiff and my husband

actually defended her. I didn't speak to him all day. I was furious.

I also have a real problem with people not doing what they say they're

going to do...ONCE AGAIN I OVERREACT. Then I feel bad when someone has a

good

excuse.

Like if my therapist says she'll call at 2 and she doesn't call and it

becomes 3 or 4, I will call her. LOL I just start going into these

OCD-like

extremes of what if something happened to her or what if I made her mad

about something or what if she forgot.

Gosh, this message board has made me realize I have more issues than I

thought.

[Guest guest]

this happened to me too...it didn't matter what they did wrong to me..nada

just told me not to play with them...she never cared what went on, if I was

beat up or had something stolen from me or someone broke something...it was

me, therefore it wasn't important to her...

Jackie

I had a similar thing happen... a neighborhood girl stole a record of mine

(this was the 80's here..I am in my 30's). When my mother was presented

with the fact that this girl had stolen my record, she 1.) got mad at me

for

leaving taking it to the girl's house and 2.) just told me not to pay with

her anymore.

By the end of 5th grade, I was pretty much banned from playing with anyone

in the neighborhood because my mother couldn't get along with the parents.

She would fight with them, so I wouldn't be allowed to play with their

kids.

[Guest guest]

I don't remember my nada doing this..she is also NP so has to have perfect

children to the outside world..but I DO remember her shaking me and

screaming in my face these exact words !! I wonder what would have happened

if you did scream those words back at her...probably a rage..my nada was not

suicidal..she would threaten to kill US

Jackie

My mother even talked bad about me to my own friends and their parents. It

was really embarrassing. Like if I lied -- as kids sometimes do -- she

would blab it to everybody. I'd be sitting there while she was on the phone

and she would be talking to a friend and say, " I don't know what to do. She

lies about everything. It's not normal. " I am overhearing this

constantly.

I remember her shaking me once by the shoulders and screaming " WHY CAN'T

YOU JUST BE NORMAL???! " This was about 2 days after she had run into the

bathroom with a gun threatening to blow her brains out and my dad and uncle

had to kick the door in and get her out. I should have screamed back " WHY

AREN'T YOU? "

[Guest guest]

Interestingly, on the OTHER side of that, my brother is NEVER wrong. Any

argument he has with his wife, she takes his side. She won't even concede that

he has ANY role in any problem. It's all HER.

-Deanna

> >

> > , my nada did the SAME thing to me..I was always ALWAYS wrong..the

> > other person was always right.....my nada always stood up for the other

> > person against me...no matter what !! I remember fights where I'd yell

> that

> > she NEVER takes my side..I'm 50, and nada has never ever taken my side

> of

> > anything...I don't like it when hubby doesn't take my side, but it

> doesn't

> > bother me as much as it used to..

> >

> >

> > Jackie

> >

> >

> >

> > Thank you for the reassurance I am not in this alone. I hate that you all

> > know how I feel, but at the same time, it helps to know others

> > understand.. understand..<WBR>.in a twiste

> >

> > I think a good point was brought up here too and that's the blame game.

> >

> > Everything, when I was little, was my fault. If I got into an argument

> with

> > playmate, my mother ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS took the other child's side.

> > However, I'd go to a playmate's house and if we argued (as sometimes

> kids

> > do)

> > the mother would take their child's side. So it left me feeling really

> > betrayed all the time and almost like no one was ever one my side.

> >

> > I get very upset and again, OVERREACT even now if I think someone doesn't

> > take my side about something or even just innocently plays the devils

> > advocate. I hate it when my husband does it especially because he's

> > married to

> > ME and I feel like he should be siding with me.

> >

> > I know it stems from childhood. I know, I know, I know it does and I hate

> > it, but I feel powerless to stop these feelings sometimes.

> >

> > Of course, being DID doesn't help my situation.

> >

> > I have so much work to do in therapy.

> >

> > It overwhelms me just thinking about it.

> >

> > One day at a time I guess.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

> **************Dell Inspiron 15 Laptop: Now in 6 vibrant colors! Shop Dell’s

> full line of laptops.

>

(http://pr.atwola.com/promoclk/100126575x1222399266x1201456865/aol?redir=http:%2\

F%2Fad.doubleclick.net%2Fclk%3B215073777%3B3703434

> 3%3Bf)

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

That's so wrong and so isolating. I'm sorry. Definitely the sins of the parents

being visited upon the children there...you did not deserve that.

>

>

> By the end of 5th grade, I was pretty much banned from playing with anyone

> in the neighborhood because my mother couldn't get along with the parents.

> She would fight with them, so I wouldn't be allowed to play with their

> kids.

[Guest guest]

This sounds less like BPD to me and more like a KO issue. Of course you want the

validation and freak out when it doesn't come. We ALWAYS wanted it and it NEVER

came, at least not without strings or repurcussions. And now you are here

feeling safe and that the validation will come and when it doesn't your

well-trained heart, mind, and neurons go into hyperdrive. Most understandable,

IMHO. Maybe it's time to drop this particular practice and try another plan. It

could be that it has served its purpose well and it's time for it to retire...

just a thought. But I don't think this is so off base a reaction considering

what you've had to deal with all your life.

[Guest guest]

, I've avoided over the years contacting therapists inbetween sessions even

though they sometimes say it is okay for exactly this reason. The experience of

reaching out to someone I expect to be there and not getting a response in a

certain window is triggering for me. So I can relate to your anxiety when the

text didn't come till hours later. It probably is a big bpd-flea but it could

also just be that we didn't have reliable response from our nadas growing up and

it taps into those painful stored memories.

In general about the topic of triggers - how can we (all KO's) not have them?

There's no one with the power to influence those first memories like one's

mother. Our mothers were crazy. So there's going to be things like

- inconsistent responses from others

- anger in others

- projection from others

- withholding of love, gratitude, appreciation from others

- emotional manipulation from others

- oh I'll just stop now this list would be huge

you get the idea...all those things have extra kick to affect us or trigger us

because of what went before. I'm still in the heart of working with this, but

the one thing I've learned is that being present with my feelings, knowing what

they are is the first step - I still tend to repress automatically if I'm not

careful.

>

> Well, I am having a real issue right now that scares the hell out of me

> that I have pushed myself into some form of bpd-ism.

>

> My therapist has me texting her every day at noon. It worked great when

> she was out of town. She texted me back shortly thereafter and I didn't

> feel all alone. Well, when she came back, she felt it worked so well and

made

> me feel not alone at all, that she told me she wants me to text her every

> day for awhile -- at noon. Now, she did say that she might not always get

> to text me back due to her busy schedule. I'm not sure I really heard that,

> though, because until Monday, she was texting me back.

>

> Well, Monday she didn't and yesterday she didn't until like 10 last night.

> But by then, my anxiety was maxed out. I wondered if something was wrong,

> if she was mad,etc. Then I felt like an idiot when she finally text'd me.

> I did not text her again, mind you. I mean, I didn't psyco-text her or

> email or call or anything...but I felt horrible and rather than it helping,

it

> made me feel soooo alone because the conversation felt all one-sided.

>

> So I did send her an email and explain that I understood it was supposed to

> help me but that it was really causing me anxiety.

>

> This feels weird to me....lol.

>

>

> In a message dated 5/20/2009 5:28:31 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

> sleddog@... writes:

>

>

>

>

>

> your young...I was more like you when I was young too...I used to think my

> husband defended others, but as I've gotten older, I see he's trying to

> get

> me to see their point of view..he really doesn't care about the argument,

> and isn't on anyone's side..I, too, used to expect someone to call when

> they

> said they would ( a nadaism) but learned things come up, people get

> busy/forget, and it's not a reflection on me ...I have done it others, and

> know it wasn't intentional.know it wasn't intentional.<WBR>.it's easy to

> get de

> have too many irons in the fire :-)

>

> Jackie

>

> I hope I can get to the point where it doesn't bother me either. I get

> very upset when my husband does it especially.

>

> My sister and I recently got into a silly little tiff and my husband

> actually defended her. I didn't speak to him all day. I was furious.

>

> I also have a real problem with people not doing what they say they're

> going to do...ONCE AGAIN I OVERREACT. Then I feel bad when someone has a

> good

> excuse.

>

> Like if my therapist says she'll call at 2 and she doesn't call and it

> becomes 3 or 4, I will call her. LOL I just start going into these

> OCD-like

> extremes of what if something happened to her or what if I made her mad

> about something or what if she forgot.

>

> Gosh, this message board has made me realize I have more issues than I

> thought.

>

>

>

>

>

> **************Dell Inspiron 15 Laptop: Now in 6 vibrant colors! Shop Dell’s

> full line of laptops.

>

(http://pr.atwola.com/promoclk/100126575x1222399266x1201456865/aol?redir=http:%2\

F%2Fad.doubleclick.net%2Fclk%3B215073777%3B3703434

> 3%3Bf)

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

oh that's my nada !! my oldest brother is her favorite and can do no

wrong..and he married a WITCH ( in nadas words, not in mine) and nada has

hated sil all these years, but to her face she's really nice, behind her

back she says the most awful things, and that she has my brother wrapped

around her finger..nada is very jealous of sil !!

Jackie

Interestingly, on the OTHER side of that, my brother is NEVER wrong. Any

argument he has with his wife, she takes his side. She won't even concede

that he has ANY role in any problem. It's all HER.

-Deanna