Re: internal radar broken

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

So what does superficial charm do for you?  I think that's the real question. 

You saw it, but didn't know it was a danger sign.  Why not?  I think you need to

know.

Best,

Ashana

Share files, take polls, and make new friends - all under one roof. Go to

http://in.promos.yahoo.com/groups/

[Guest guest]

Hi Ashana, I do need to know...I've been practically obsessing about the

why/how/what of this. Superficial charm, hmmm, well it can reassure me that I'm

accepted or found likable by the person in question. This is a big deal because

I grew up an only child and had trouble socially with peers - my crazy FOO of

course hadn't taught me what I needed to know and a lot of stuff that was wrong.

So I ended up pretty quiet and shy, an outsider - I still do get that way in a

real life group settings. Despite all the talking I do here! So a " smooth

talker " can get past my initial anxiety or social insecurity - probably even

play on it. I'm deeply grateful that I never ended up marrying any of these

guys I dated, but I came pretty close one time.

What does superficial charm look like to you? How do you recognize someone with

a PD who is putting on an initial pleasing front trying to hook you?

Thanks,

>

> Hi ,

>

> So what does superficial charm do for you?  I think that's the real question. 

You saw it, but didn't know it was a danger sign.  Why not?  I think you need to

know.

>

> Best,

> Ashana

>

>

> Share files, take polls, and make new friends - all under one roof. Go

to http://in.promos.yahoo.com/groups/

>

>

[Guest guest]

tangential? maybe...

hey julie, for me the first sign that someone is not a guy i should be hanging

out with IS THE INITIAL FEELING OF FASCINATION! for a girl, if she starts off

the relationship divulging secrets at the drop of a hat and acting like i am her

superduperbestallofasuddenawesomestfriendever and instantly begins including me

in her daily itenerary, that's a pretty good sign that she's no good for me.

so...basically the stuff that people supposedly look for in others is exactly

what i have to watch out for in humans. i don't attract the crazies as much as

i used to since i have gotten much better at trusting myself. i used to size

people up immediately and think, " wow, this guy is a douche, " or, " dude, this

chick is way too clingy, " but for some reason i would talk myself out of this,

like i was being a jerk for not giving them the benefit of the doubt.

WELL, IT TURNS OUT MY INITIAL ASSESSMENT OF PEOPLE IS PRETTY DARN ACCURATE!!!

and the good thing about trusting myself is that i can hang back and observe,

and if i'm wrong, i can take the time to realize that.

i have been reading a lot about adult children of alcoholics and one thing that

really resonated with me was the idea that the conditional love of parents in

the foo create the belief that if love is available, you better take advantage

FAST because who knows when the other person is going to change their mind about

you and decide you're unlovable. because of this, the attraction acoas feel are

intense and they submerge themselves in relationships without really thinking

anything through. my mom is an alcoholic and i have found that the framework

for the alcoholic family is helpful in understanding the protection of the

mental illness vs. outing the crazy and validating the kids' povs.

i have found that the types i now attract are mostly ko's with CRAZY MOMS. i

don't know why... i feel like a coach sometimes, like, " ATTAHUMAN! YOU CAN DO

IT! GET UNENMESHED! you're DOING THE RIGHT THING! you're an adult! you can

make plans! you can make decisions! you don't have to feel bad about living

your own life! if your family won't listen to you when you set boundaries, you

can cut ties. it does not make you a bad person!!! no, you didn't deserve any

of it. yes, it really was that bad. no, you don't have to sit around thinking

about your parents for the rest of your life, but yes, you have to deal with

what happened in order to move on and become a full-fledged individual. " but

it's also nice to be able to talk to people in real life about how i feel (and

don't feel) about my mom and they understand what i'm talking about. as someone

who has always felt like i was weirder than my peers, this is pretty cool.

this might not be true at all, but for some reason, i think i might feel things

more accutely than other people. it's probably not true, but it SEEMS that way.

in conversations, my dad has said he feels the same way, that when his feelings

are hurt, he feels it so much more accutely than he thinks a) he should and

others would. it might also be the same thing with falling in lurve. in the

past, it's possible that what i felt in the initial stages of relationships is

EXACTLY what everyone THINKS they want, you know, hollywood, pop culture, etc.

that's kind of terrifying. i literally had to train myself to believe that it

was alright for me to go out with someone who i knew liked me.

the confusing part with that, though, is that when i say that i know my husband

likes me, people say that i am " settling. " what? it just reinforces the idea

that if you have found a little bit of happiness with a person, you're selling

out since you're cutting off all the possibilities for GREATER happiness!

what>!??!??!

there's a neko case song that goes like this:

nothing comforts me the same

as my brave friend who says

" I don't care if forever never comes

cuz i'm holding out for that teanage feeling "

i am thinking that maybe the " teenage feeling " is something people stop feeling

after a certain point, or maybe give up on...i dunno. i don't think i'll ever

grow out of that, though. i get stupid excited about the silliest things, and

when i first meet people who i like, i feel so nervous about getting rejected

and about the person deciding that they really don't like me, but still the

incredible drive to reach out and make human connections even though i'm putting

myself at risk.

i was talking to my best pal about this, and basically we agreed that

interacting with people is extremely difficult for the both of us because if i

like a person in any capacity, i want to basically glom onto them. at the same

time, i feel like an incredible nuisance that they probably don't want to have

to deal with. i feel so freaking annoying when i'm first getting to know

someone (and usually for months/years after we've become friends). so i usually

don't open up. if i do open up and they decide that i AM annoying, it's

flat-out devastating. so basically i feel like there are only two options: a)

meet someone and follow the urge to glom, thereby possibly annoying the crap out

of someone i really care about or meet someone and stay detached even though

i desperately want to interact with them in a more honest way.

and it gets even more crazy if the OTHER person is the one showing me attention.

if it's a girl and she suddenly wants to be bestest buds, it's hard not to

accept that. i'm like, yeah, i would LOVE to have a bestest bud, but in the

back of my head, i know normal people don't attach themselves to other people

and try to become a single entity. and when guys show me attention, it feels

weird because it feels like they're reacting to the outside of me and have no

idea what the inside of me is about at all. it's like, " how can you assume you

know enough about me just by looking at me to decide that i am someone worth

your time? " how and why are they making these judgments? it's absolutely

baffling!!!!!

so anyway, yeah...broken internal radar for sure.

bink

> >

> > Hi ,

> >

> > So what does superficial charm do for you?  I think that's the real

question.  You saw it, but didn't know it was a danger sign.  Why not?  I think

you need to know.

> >

> > Best,

> > Ashana

> >

> >

> > Share files, take polls, and make new friends - all under one roof. Go

to http://in.promos.yahoo.com/groups/

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

FASCINATION - that's the key, lol! You know if I am fascinated with them or

they are fascinated with me - either way it is a sign of sure doom and disaster.

Even if they don't have a full on PD, we'll have the perfect matching

dysfunctions to make eachother miserable.

Which leads to maybe another answer to Ashana's question - what am I getting in

the beginning (rephrased a little). I think having that intense connection,

having someone act like they value me that much from the getgo is the huge lure

- there's all those unmet original needs from being a KO and it speaks to that.

Finally being seen, finally being treasured, finally....but it is rare thing for

that to happen from the start and be real.

Bink, your post was a roller coaster ride I can relate to very much of it

especially when I was much more social than I am now. I have the same thing

that my very initial impression like yours is correct but I often throw it away

because I don't want to be judgmental or the person then seems to be okay and

marvelous later...but they aren't (cue sinister music)

More on this thread later....

> > >

> > > Hi ,

> > >

> > > So what does superficial charm do for you?  I think that's the real

question.  You saw it, but didn't know it was a danger sign.  Why not?  I think

you need to know.

> > >

> > > Best,

> > > Ashana

> > >

> > >

> > > Share files, take polls, and make new friends - all under one roof.

Go to http://in.promos.yahoo.com/groups/

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

I had a conversation with my therapist about this a while ago. I also thought I

saught out what was familiar because of how I grew up. She said not necessarily.

It's that " messed up " people communicate and interact with one another basically

the same way and will tolerate crap from other people. Healthy people have a

very different way of interacting and communicating. They won't stick around for

the crap because they recognize it's not healthy for them to be around it. They

also have the social skills to handle situations with people who are " messed

up " . They usually will not get involved in the drama or other people's problems.

They also recognize that their job is not to " fix " people. Not sure if I

explained it clearly. Messed up and Healthy are not really good terms to use,

but I can't think of another way to explain it.

Abby

> >

> >

> > Most of my life I've had trouble with attracting and being attracted to

> > people with NPD and/or BPD like symptoms. Would makes sense because that's

> > what my mother and father have, so on some deep instincual level those types

> > feel familiar. It takes a while before they do something awful enough for me

> > to end the relationship or friendship but eventually it does happen. I've

> > been aware of this pattern for over ten years but it *still* happens! I'm so

> > frustrated.

> >

> > It happened to me this time with someone on a reality show, and I have the

> > confirmation of thousands of people on internet discussion boards that the

> > guy is a narcissist. They all saw it from the start, but it took me weeks to

> > stop giving him a break and thinking people were being too hard on him! I'm

> > talking about Coach on Survivor if any of you happen to watch that. From the

> > first few moments of screen time he had I had found him fascinating and

> > attractive. I don't normally have that strong a reaction to people on shows

> > either. If being aware of the problem isn't enough, what the hell's wrong

> > with me and how do I fix it?

> >

> > If I'd met him in real life I probably would have wanted to date him, been

> > snowed by his bullshit for months at least. My solution the last few years

> > is just not to date, period. I'd rather live life alone on my own terms

> > rather than keep allowing these Bluebeards (ref to another thread) keep

> > getting into my world.

> >

> > On the female side I tend to attract women as friends who are histrionic of

> > borderline types. They really want me to listen to them and give give give

> > whatever it is they happen to need. I work hard to steer clear of them too

> > and recognize them sooner, but they still get into my life a little bit too

> > far before I realize it.

> >

> > Advice, thoughts?

> >

> >

> >

> >

>