Re: latest smear campaign

May 17, 2009

Riah,wow...You have every reason to be fed up with your nada for pulling this

kind of crap with you.My nada used to do things like this too,pretend to finally

" agree " to do something that wasn't what she really wanted (like in your case

with the phone) and when she appeared to either be compromising with me or

uhhhmmm actually being reasonable about it,what she then would do was turn the

whole thing into a completely pointless drama casting herself in the role of my

hapless victim while setting me up to look like the evil villain.And most of the

time triangulating fada into the position of " the rescuer " ,as your nada did with

" online boyfriend number 3 " ,enlisting him to " fix " something that probably

wasn't really wrong--it sounds like it was only your nada saying that

transferring the contract was such an impossible problem?--and presto,look how

you were pretty much forced into saying the words " I'd rather terminate the

contract " (and coldly abandon poor nada)...they are just MADDENING to deal with.

And,oh,if I'm going to brunch for Mother's Day (which I don't,but if I

did...),it would make sense to arrange a time and a date well beforehand so both

of us can adjust our schedules accordingly...NOT have one of us just sitting by

the phone the morning of,waiting for The Call with nothing else to do but jump

up and be ready to go when it comes...that was very manipulative of

her,too,another set up it seems to me.

I've been what I think will be permanent NC with my FOO for a year now and

reading your post reminded me of how I felt at the time when I made that

decision.I felt very frustrated and upset and just SICK of their sh*t.They were

making me SICK.I also wanted so badly to tell them what for,to give them a

thorough piece of my mind...sometimes the only thing that made my heart stop

racing whenever I thought of them was to mentally rehearse what I'd say,but then

I'd remember all the times I had tried to confront them in the past and there

was a thick wall of projection and denial,etc that I couldn't tear down no

matter how I approached it.

Some friends suggested I write them all a letter that I wouldn't send but

as I wrote my stuff down I could hear all the excuses they would make in

retort,all their ways of refusing to admit that I MIGHT have a point...I'm not

saying this would happen with your nada,I don't know her...but what worked for

me was deciding after I wrote those letters that instead of trying to make THEM

hear me,I would listen to ME...and what I was really saying to myself was,You

know what,I just don't want to tolerate this crap for one more minute...what I

am really feeling is that I NEVER want any of you to ever treat me like this

again...and since having " a relationship " with you entails being manipulated

into being your victimizer when in reality that is not what I'm doing and since

I know you are incapable of reasonably hearing me out,I have no choice but to

remove myself from this dynamic because it is hurting me.

It took about five months before the urge,from time to time,to tell them

off and tell them WHY subsided.When nada or my brother contacted me,I ignored it

while counselling myself: They can't hear you,don't waste your breath,you only

want to talk to people who listen to you and respect you.I had to keep training

myself NOT to respond.Of course during all of this I was the devil incarnate

according to them.

I know how you feel about " being programmed to be abused forever. " I went

through a period of being furious with nada/fada having found myself in yet

another emotionally abusive relationship.I went NC for the first time then

because I could no longer stand the sight of them--I knew they had conditioned

me to become involved with abusers.I still had hope that later things could

change and we could have some sort of relationship.I broke that first NC (of

about two years) when fada became ill last year.Only to realize that I need to

make it permanent,in my case.

You asked,How do I get over being angry with her and deal with the issues

that are plaguing my relationship right now? Can you clarify? How would getting

over being angry with her help you to deal with the issues in your relationship?

Is that what you meant?

I had to take a good long look at how nada had trained me to put up with

crap and to honestly admit to myself that similar was happening in the

relationship I was in and to decide once and for all that it was dysfunctional

and it wasn't working for me--was actually keeping me spinning my wheels in a

seemingly never ending rut--and to gather the resolve to just walk away.Which is

what I did because my partner refused to attend couples counselling with me.I

had tried to make it work and felt we needed an objective mediator but she

dismissed this suggestion as " ridiculous. "

Sometimes having an objective third party there to facilitate

communication can get the ball rolling towards a resolution of relationship

problems.Do you think your partner would be willing to give this a try since the

issues you have are so clearly causing you to suffer?

I'm sorry you're going through all of this.

Take care of yourself

--

>

> Hey everyone.

> I know I've been a bit MIA lately. I've been reading posts and replied to a

few. I had finals last week and my relationship is becoming more stressful by

the day.

>

> I am contemplating going NC with nada. I haven't had the desire to do so

lately but mother's day has put me over the edge.

> A bit of history: 3 years ago my nada left her husband and showed up at my job

claiming he was going to kill her. That was an absurd claim but she was

convinced and I left work to get her settled at my house. She had met a man

online and would use my cell phone to stay up all night to talk to him. I only

had a cell at the time no house phone. I had to leave for the weekend and when I

returned she had left my house and left my daughter and I puzzling letters about

how I was horrid to her and she would always love my DD from wherever she was. I

went NC with her for a few months and then started receiving calls from a family

she had moved in with. The drama that ensued led to her no longer being welcome

their either. She returned and her husband allowed her to move back in with him.

She guilted me at this point in to getting her a cell phone on my plan. She has

had this phone for a year and a half on a 2 year contract. Until she left her

husband again last fall he had been paying for her part of the bill.

>

> I moved 300 miles away from them in an effort to create distance and making LC

more manageable. Nada followed me. She left her husband and moved in with yet

another man she met online. (3rd time she has done this in 3 years). She knows I

still speak to my stepdad and this creates drama to no end. I informed her about

5 months ago that I wanted to change my number to a local area code but that

would involve her number changing as well. She threw a huge fit and told me I

was trying to take her friends away from her. My stepdad is no longer paying for

her part of the bill. I called the phone company and found a way for her to take

over her own number and I could keep mine and get a local one so that my DD's

school could call me more easily. I have been trying endlessly to get her to do

this.

>

> One week before mother's day she called to ask if I would meet her for dinner.

I told her I had plans but that brunch was agreeable. In the same conversation

she tells me that the new man has gotten them both phones and now it is

acceptable to get her off of my bill. I tell her I will call the phone company

the next day and tell her to text me her new number. We did not agree on a

location or exact time for brunch, only a city that is about halfway between us

(she still lives about 60 miles from me). I called the phone company and they

said she could still take over the existing contract and I did all I needed to.

I never got a text...

> I tried repeatedly to call her number that I pay for with no answer, then

oddly a man answers and tells me I have the wrong number. I tried every day for

a week. Mother's day at 9:00 am after not hearing from her my DD and I head out

for breakfast just the 2 of us. She calls on her new number at 9:15 and asks

where we are meeting. I explain that I will not be able to drive to meet her and

get back for my existing plans. I tell her all about the phone and the switch.

She gets teary and tells me to tell my DD she loves her. I told her to tell her

herself as she was in the car with me. DD talks to her for 2 minutes and they

hang up.

>

> The next day her new man calls and tells me that the phone company won't

transfer the contract and he thinks I should just keep paying for it because I

will pay less than the contract termination fee that way. Nada doesn't speak to

me. I tell him that I would rather terminate the contract than pay every month

because I can reduce the minutes that way but ideally I would like to transfer

it and not have a contract termination effect my credit. He winds up sending me

a check for the termination fee and 1 of the 4 months I paid for already.

>

> I then find out that Nada is calling our entire extended family and all mutual

friends telling them how awful I am and how I refused to acknowledge mother's

day.

>

> I'm FED UP!! I want to call and tell her off. I have had to fight the urge

hourly to call her and tell her that I want nothing to do with her and tell this

new guy that he is a moron if he thinks she will do anything other than use her.

>

> On top of all of this my current relationship issues just make me more angry

at her. I know that he is probably NPD and I know that being a KO set me up to

fall for all of the crap I have been putting up with. I feel like she programmed

me to be abused forever. I've spent the last week in a state of anxiety. I want

to yell half the time and the other half I just feel sick to my stomach and want

to sleep or cry.

>

> Any advice? Do I call her and tell her off? Will it really make me feel any

better? How do I get over being angry at her and deal with the issues that are

plaguing my relationship right now?

>

> Sorry, I know this was long.

>

> Riah

>

May 17, 2009

Hey, Riah - I hope exams went well. First thing I wondered when reading your

post was, " why is she paying Nada's phone bill? " - because my mother has tried

repeatedly to get me to do the same thing. The whole cellphone issue is complex

- so many contracts, so many fees - I knew it would be letting the camel's nose

under the tent if I agreed to put her on our plan. She'd wind up making

international calls (she doesn't know anybody outside the country, but she'd

find a way, I'm sure...) and it would ruin my credit rating - so I said NO.

She continued to pick at me for months afterward, trying to figure out a way I

could " help " her by putting her in a position to run up bills that I'd be

obligated to pay. She has hit me up for money so many times over the years I'm

immune - no cellphone, no co-signing contracts, no more financial enmeshment

with Nada for me!

Your mom appears to be out of control - her pursuit of men, her unstable

lifestyle indicates this to me. I wouldn't put my own credit at her service, if

I were you. There's too much potential for abuse, and it takes too long to

recover. She can get a Tracphone at Walgreens for $9.00 on sale, and put an

hour's time on it every three months to keep it activated. If she wants more

time, she can pay for it up front. That way, she can call 911 if she needs

help.

But we all know it's not ABOUT the phone. That's just the latest tool she's

using to keep you in the vortex. Luckily, it's a problem that can be solved

simply. Maybe it will take her a while to come up with the next scenario and

you can have a little peace and quiet. -