wrote this this morning and just wanted to share it.

[Guest guest]

I think it is really great that you can feel so confident in yourself. I

envy you a little because I would like to be at that place, not questioning

my every move and wondering daily if I am " normal. " I know normal is

subjective, but I get fixated on it. Congrats on being about to go NC. I think

it takes a very strong person to stand up for themselves and recognize that

they don't owe anything just because someone gave birth to them.

In a message dated 5/16/2009 8:33:40 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

my4fireflies@... writes:

'm 34 yo mom to 4 dc. I believe my mother has undx'dBPD. I recently went NC

in Oct. It has been the best move I have ever made. I have been an

incredibly anxious person my entire life. Now, with mother gone, I am happy and

peaceful. A few months ago I was talking with my aunt and telling her that I

thought I may have Asperger's or *something* because I was a very confused

and timid child and I never could really *read* people and was scared of

EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. She really opened my eyes when she said " No, honey.

You were always a happy and normal child. It was your environment that made

you feel that way. " WOW! I couldn't believe it. My ENTIRE life my mother

had told me I was " crazy " and " selfish " . I was forever trying to put a name

to my " condition " so I could find out how to cure myself of all the

sadness, anxiety, loneliness, despair, hopelessness, lower than the lowest

self-esteem, and fear I felt all these years. It wasn't until I got a *great*

therapist a couple of years ago, that the truth came out. He even asked my

mother to come to a session, and he said it was apparent almost immediately

that she has some kind of personality disorder. He helped me see that what she

was doing was KILLING me and my family (we lived with her because she

convinced us that it was my job as the eldest child to take care of her as she

ages because she has no spouse).

Leaving her was a nightmare-she made it almost unbearable. But now, almost

2 years later, I feel like I'm starting to live MY life for the FIRST TIME

in almost 35 years. I love my life now. Fear doesn't grip my chest when

the phone rings. I am not forever trying to please her, and sacrificing my

time, money, wants, wishes, dreams, and relationships for her. and I don't

feel bad FOR ONE SECOND. I spent 2 years crying and feeling bad for her and

wondering what I could do or say or give her to make her love me or accept my

boundaries, etc so we could have a pleasant relationship. Now the only

thing that matters is that I am doing the best damn job I can for me, my dh,

and my children. My sibs think I am being a terrible person and you know

what? I don't care. Their perception of me really doesn't matter, nor my

extended family. I recently had a family member contact me and tell me that she

would like to have a relationship with me now that I have moved out of my

mother's house. I really don't care to have any kind of relationship with

her. It's just not worth it. I have come to FINALLY REALIZE just because she

says it, doesn't make it true:

I am NOT crazy. I am NOT a bad person. I am NOT incapable or inadequate. I

am NOT a bad mother or daughter or sister or wife.

After all these years, I am finally believing the BEST in myself and it

feels utterly AWESOME.

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[Guest guest]

'm 34 yo mom to 4 dc. I believe my mother has undx'dBPD. I recently went NC in

Oct. It has been the best move I have ever made. I have been an incredibly

anxious person my entire life. Now, with mother gone, I am happy and peaceful. A

few months ago I was talking with my aunt and telling her that I thought I may

have Asperger's or *something* because I was a very confused and timid child and

I never could really *read* people and was scared of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE.

She really opened my eyes when she said " No, honey. You were always a happy and

normal child. It was your environment that made you feel that way. " WOW! I

couldn't believe it. My ENTIRE life my mother had told me I was " crazy " and

" selfish " . I was forever trying to put a name to my " condition " so I could find

out how to cure myself of all the sadness, anxiety, loneliness, despair,

hopelessness, lower than the lowest self-esteem, and fear I felt all these

years. It wasn't until I got a *great* therapist a couple of years ago, that the

truth came out. He even asked my mother to come to a session, and he said it was

apparent almost immediately that she has some kind of personality disorder. He

helped me see that what she was doing was KILLING me and my family (we lived

with her because she convinced us that it was my job as the eldest child to take

care of her as she ages because she has no spouse).

Leaving her was a nightmare-she made it almost unbearable. But now, almost 2

years later, I feel like I'm starting to live MY life for the FIRST TIME in

almost 35 years. I love my life now. Fear doesn't grip my chest when the phone

rings. I am not forever trying to please her, and sacrificing my time, money,

wants, wishes, dreams, and relationships for her. and I don't feel bad FOR ONE

SECOND. I spent 2 years crying and feeling bad for her and wondering what I

could do or say or give her to make her love me or accept my boundaries, etc so

we could have a pleasant relationship. Now the only thing that matters is that I

am doing the best damn job I can for me, my dh, and my children. My sibs think I

am being a terrible person and you know what? I don't care. Their perception of

me really doesn't matter, nor my extended family. I recently had a family member

contact me and tell me that she would like to have a relationship with me now

that I have moved out of my mother's house. I really don't care to have any kind

of relationship with her. It's just not worth it. I have come to FINALLY REALIZE

just because she says it, doesn't make it true:

I am NOT crazy. I am NOT a bad person. I am NOT incapable or inadequate. I am

NOT a bad mother or daughter or sister or wife.

After all these years, I am finally believing the BEST in myself and it feels

utterly AWESOME.

[Guest guest]

Im so happy for you - congratulations! you posts really inspires me. Im living

here with my too bpd paqrents..and what you have described all your life ..i can

relate to..

my feet are stuck in fear....my confidence in myself is practically non

existant...

i had been away fror close to 8 years, but an illness brought me back here...

now, i,m caught in the web of guilt aqnd fear once again....

as i said, your post inspires me...i want the same freedom you  have found.

im so happy for you - dont ever look back like i did.

 

ripped

Subject: wrote this this morning and just wanted to share

it.

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Saturday, May 16, 2009, 12:32 PM

'm 34 yo mom to 4 dc. I believe my mother has undx'dBPD. I recently went NC in

Oct. It has been the best move I have ever made. I have been an incredibly

anxious person my entire life. Now, with mother gone, I am happy and peaceful. A

few months ago I was talking with my aunt and telling her that I thought I may

have Asperger's or *something* because I was a very confused and timid child and

I never could really *read* people and was scared of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE.

She really opened my eyes when she said " No, honey. You were always a happy and

normal child. It was your environment that made you feel that way. " WOW! I

couldn't believe it. My ENTIRE life my mother had told me I was " crazy " and

" selfish " . I was forever trying to put a name to my " condition " so I could find

out how to cure myself of all the sadness, anxiety, loneliness, despair,

hopelessness, lower than the lowest self-esteem, and fear I felt all these

years. It wasn't until I got a

*great* therapist a couple of years ago, that the truth came out. He even asked

my mother to come to a session, and he said it was apparent almost immediately

that she has some kind of personality disorder. He helped me see that what she

was doing was KILLING me and my family (we lived with her because she convinced

us that it was my job as the eldest child to take care of her as she ages

because she has no spouse).

Leaving her was a nightmare-she made it almost unbearable. But now, almost 2

years later, I feel like I'm starting to live MY life for the FIRST TIME in

almost 35 years. I love my life now. Fear doesn't grip my chest when the phone

rings. I am not forever trying to please her, and sacrificing my time, money,

wants, wishes, dreams, and relationships for her. and I don't feel bad FOR ONE

SECOND. I spent 2 years crying and feeling bad for her and wondering what I

could do or say or give her to make her love me or accept my boundaries, etc so

we could have a pleasant relationship. Now the only thing that matters is that I

am doing the best damn job I can for me, my dh, and my children. My sibs think I

am being a terrible person and you know what? I don't care. Their perception of

me really doesn't matter, nor my extended family. I recently had a family member

contact me and tell me that she would like to have a relationship with me now

that I have moved out

of my mother's house. I really don't care to have any kind of relationship with

her. It's just not worth it. I have come to FINALLY REALIZE just because she

says it, doesn't make it true:

I am NOT crazy. I am NOT a bad person. I am NOT incapable or inadequate. I am

NOT a bad mother or daughter or sister or wife.

After all these years, I am finally believing the BEST in myself and it feels

utterly AWESOME.

[Guest guest]

Thanks for your post. I have just gone NC a couple of weeks ago and haven't

gotten to the joyous stage yet. NC with my nada and brother and sister. Like

you I have lived with the anxiety and fear of everything but with therapy,

medication and hard work I do pretty darned well in life. However, the NC part

is painful right now. I think it is more grief for what I never had and I've

just been kidding myself that I had a family relationship.

I know this will pass, and I really thank you for sharing your love of life, and

your spirit.

Blessings to you and yours,

Jaye

>

> 'm 34 yo mom to 4 dc. I believe my mother has undx'dBPD. I recently went NC in

Oct. It has been the best move I have ever made. I have been an incredibly

anxious person my entire life. Now, with mother gone, I am happy and peaceful. A

few months ago I was talking with my aunt and telling her that I thought I may

have Asperger's or *something* because I was a very confused and timid child and

I never could really *read* people and was scared of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE.

She really opened my eyes when she said " No, honey. You were always a happy and

normal child. It was your environment that made you feel that way. " WOW! I

couldn't believe it. My ENTIRE life my mother had told me I was " crazy " and

" selfish " . I was forever trying to put a name to my " condition " so I could find

out how to cure myself of all the sadness, anxiety, loneliness, despair,

hopelessness, lower than the lowest self-esteem, and fear I felt all these

years. It wasn't until I got a *great* therapist a couple of years ago, that the

truth came out. He even asked my mother to come to a session, and he said it was

apparent almost immediately that she has some kind of personality disorder. He

helped me see that what she was doing was KILLING me and my family (we lived

with her because she convinced us that it was my job as the eldest child to take

care of her as she ages because she has no spouse).

> Leaving her was a nightmare-she made it almost unbearable. But now, almost 2

years later, I feel like I'm starting to live MY life for the FIRST TIME in

almost 35 years. I love my life now. Fear doesn't grip my chest when the phone

rings. I am not forever trying to please her, and sacrificing my time, money,

wants, wishes, dreams, and relationships for her. and I don't feel bad FOR ONE

SECOND. I spent 2 years crying and feeling bad for her and wondering what I

could do or say or give her to make her love me or accept my boundaries, etc so

we could have a pleasant relationship. Now the only thing that matters is that I

am doing the best damn job I can for me, my dh, and my children. My sibs think I

am being a terrible person and you know what? I don't care. Their perception of

me really doesn't matter, nor my extended family. I recently had a family member

contact me and tell me that she would like to have a relationship with me now

that I have moved out of my mother's house. I really don't care to have any kind

of relationship with her. It's just not worth it. I have come to FINALLY REALIZE

just because she says it, doesn't make it true:

>

> I am NOT crazy. I am NOT a bad person. I am NOT incapable or inadequate. I am

NOT a bad mother or daughter or sister or wife.

>

> After all these years, I am finally believing the BEST in myself and it feels

utterly AWESOME.

>

[Guest guest]

Good for you! I'm very happy for you that you are happy & feeling like

a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

I have only reciently gone NC with my nada about 3 weeks ago. I too

am feeling a great weight lifted from me, but there is this underlying

fear that she's going to show up at my doorstep one day. I moved out

of state, she doesn't know where, but my nada is a bright person...

she has ways. I'm just hoping she DOESN'T show up here or get ahold

of my cell phone number. I don't want her around right now.

Justi

>

>

> 'm 34 yo mom to 4 dc. I believe my mother has undx'dBPD. I recently went NC

> in Oct. It has been the best move I have ever made. I have been an

> incredibly anxious person my entire life. Now, with mother gone, I am happy

> and peaceful. A few months ago I was talking with my aunt and telling her

> that I thought I may have Asperger's or *something* because I was a very

> confused and timid child and I never could really *read* people and was

> scared of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. She really opened my eyes when she said

> " No, honey. You were always a happy and normal child. It was your

> environment that made you feel that way. " WOW! I couldn't believe it. My

> ENTIRE life my mother had told me I was " crazy " and " selfish " . I was forever

> trying to put a name to my " condition " so I could find out how to cure

> myself of all the sadness, anxiety, loneliness, despair, hopelessness, lower

> than the lowest self-esteem, and fear I felt all these years. It wasn't

> until I got a *great* therapist a couple of years ago, that the truth came

> out. He even asked my mother to come to a session, and he said it was

> apparent almost immediately that she has some kind of personality disorder.

> He helped me see that what she was doing was KILLING me and my family (we

> lived with her because she convinced us that it was my job as the eldest

> child to take care of her as she ages because she has no spouse).

> Leaving her was a nightmare-she made it almost unbearable. But now, almost 2

> years later, I feel like I'm starting to live MY life for the FIRST TIME in

> almost 35 years. I love my life now. Fear doesn't grip my chest when the

> phone rings. I am not forever trying to please her, and sacrificing my time,

> money, wants, wishes, dreams, and relationships for her. and I don't feel

> bad FOR ONE SECOND. I spent 2 years crying and feeling bad for her and

> wondering what I could do or say or give her to make her love me or accept

> my boundaries, etc so we could have a pleasant relationship. Now the only

> thing that matters is that I am doing the best damn job I can for me, my dh,

> and my children. My sibs think I am being a terrible person and you know

> what? I don't care. Their perception of me really doesn't matter, nor my

> extended family. I recently had a family member contact me and tell me that

> she would like to have a relationship with me now that I have moved out of

> my mother's house. I really don't care to have any kind of relationship with

> her. It's just not worth it. I have come to FINALLY REALIZE just because she

> says it, doesn't make it true:

>

> I am NOT crazy. I am NOT a bad person. I am NOT incapable or inadequate. I

> am NOT a bad mother or daughter or sister or wife.

>

> After all these years, I am finally believing the BEST in myself and it

> feels utterly AWESOME.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Fireflies, you just keep on writing and let it lead you where it will. That's

one of the best things I ever did for myself, and it turned into a book. It was

the mechanism for me to finally put it *all* together.

https://sites.google.com/site/nonborderlinedaughter

PJ

>

> 'm 34 yo mom to 4 dc. I believe my mother has undx'dBPD. I recently went NC in

Oct. It has been the best move I have ever made. I have been an incredibly

anxious person my entire life. Now, with mother gone, I am happy and peaceful. A

few months ago I was talking with my aunt and telling her that I thought I may

have Asperger's or *something* because I was a very confused and timid child and

I never could really *read* people and was scared of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE.

She really opened my eyes when she said " No, honey. You were always a happy and

normal child. It was your environment that made you feel that way. " WOW! I

couldn't believe it. My ENTIRE life my mother had told me I was " crazy " and

" selfish " . I was forever trying to put a name to my " condition " so I could find

out how to cure myself of all the sadness, anxiety, loneliness, despair,

hopelessness, lower than the lowest self-esteem, and fear I felt all these

years. It wasn't until I got a *great* therapist a couple of years ago, that the

truth came out. He even asked my mother to come to a session, and he said it was

apparent almost immediately that she has some kind of personality disorder. He

helped me see that what she was doing was KILLING me and my family (we lived

with her because she convinced us that it was my job as the eldest child to take

care of her as she ages because she has no spouse).

> Leaving her was a nightmare-she made it almost unbearable. But now, almost 2

years later, I feel like I'm starting to live MY life for the FIRST TIME in

almost 35 years. I love my life now. Fear doesn't grip my chest when the phone

rings. I am not forever trying to please her, and sacrificing my time, money,

wants, wishes, dreams, and relationships for her. and I don't feel bad FOR ONE

SECOND. I spent 2 years crying and feeling bad for her and wondering what I

could do or say or give her to make her love me or accept my boundaries, etc so

we could have a pleasant relationship. Now the only thing that matters is that I

am doing the best damn job I can for me, my dh, and my children. My sibs think I

am being a terrible person and you know what? I don't care. Their perception of

me really doesn't matter, nor my extended family. I recently had a family member

contact me and tell me that she would like to have a relationship with me now

that I have moved out of my mother's house. I really don't care to have any kind

of relationship with her. It's just not worth it. I have come to FINALLY REALIZE

just because she says it, doesn't make it true:

>

> I am NOT crazy. I am NOT a bad person. I am NOT incapable or inadequate. I am

NOT a bad mother or daughter or sister or wife.

>

> After all these years, I am finally believing the BEST in myself and it feels

utterly AWESOME.

>

[Guest guest]

PJ,

I've bookmarked your site and intend to peruse it. Thanks for writing about your

experience and sharing the link.

Take Care,

>

> Fireflies, you just keep on writing and let it lead you where it will. That's

one of the best things I ever did for myself, and it turned into a book. It was

the mechanism for me to finally put it *all* together.

https://sites.google.com/site/nonborderlinedaughter

> PJ

[Guest guest]

PJ,

I've bookmarked your site and intend to peruse it. Thanks for writing about your

experience and sharing the link.

Take Care,

>

> Fireflies, you just keep on writing and let it lead you where it will. That's

one of the best things I ever did for myself, and it turned into a book. It was

the mechanism for me to finally put it *all* together.

https://sites.google.com/site/nonborderlinedaughter

> PJ