wrote this this morning and just wanted to share it.

[Guest guest]

'm 34 yo mom to 4 dc. I believe my mother has undx'dBPD. I recently went NC in

Oct. It has been the best move I have ever made. I have been an incredibly

anxious person my entire life. Now, with mother gone, I am happy and peaceful. A

few months ago I was talking with my aunt and telling her that I thought I may

have Asperger's or *something* because I was a very confused and timid child and

I never could really *read* people and was scared of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE.

She really opened my eyes when she said " No, honey. You were always a happy and

normal child. It was your environment that made you feel that way. " WOW! I

couldn't believe it. My ENTIRE life my mother had told me I was " crazy " and

" selfish " . I was forever trying to put a name to my " condition " so I could find

out how to cure myself of all the sadness, anxiety, loneliness, despair,

hopelessness, lower than the lowest self-esteem, and fear I felt all these

years. It wasn't until I got a *great* therapist a couple of years ago, that the

truth came out. He even asked my mother to come to a session, and he said it was

apparent almost immediately that she has some kind of personality disorder. He

helped me see that what she was doing was KILLING me and my family (we lived

with her because she convinced us that it was my job as the eldest child to take

care of her as she ages because she has no spouse).

Leaving her was a nightmare-she made it almost unbearable. But now, almost 2

years later, I feel like I'm starting to live MY life for the FIRST TIME in

almost 35 years. I love my life now. Fear doesn't grip my chest when the phone

rings. I am not forever trying to please her, and sacrificing my time, money,

wants, wishes, dreams, and relationships for her. and I don't feel bad FOR ONE

SECOND. I spent 2 years crying and feeling bad for her and wondering what I

could do or say or give her to make her love me or accept my boundaries, etc so

we could have a pleasant relationship. Now the only thing that matters is that I

am doing the best damn job I can for me, my dh, and my children. My sibs think I

am being a terrible person and you know what? I don't care. Their perception of

me really doesn't matter, nor my extended family. I recently had a family member

contact me and tell me that she would like to have a relationship with me now

that I have moved out of my mother's house. I really don't care to have any kind

of relationship with her. It's just not worth it. I have come to FINALLY REALIZE

just because she says it, doesn't make it true:

I am NOT crazy. I am NOT a bad person. I am NOT incapable or inadequate. I am

NOT a bad mother or daughter or sister or wife.

After all these years, I am finally believing the BEST in myself and it feels

utterly AWESOME.

[Guest guest]

Im so happy for you - congratulations! you posts really inspires me. Im living

here with my too bpd paqrents..and what you have described all your life ..i can

relate to..

my feet are stuck in fear....my confidence in myself is practically non

existant...

i had been away fror close to 8 years, but an illness brought me back here...

now, i,m caught in the web of guilt aqnd fear once again....

as i said, your post inspires me...i want the same freedom you  have found.

im so happy for you - dont ever look back like i did.

 

ripped

Subject: wrote this this morning and just wanted to share

it.

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Saturday, May 16, 2009, 12:32 PM

'm 34 yo mom to 4 dc. I believe my mother has undx'dBPD. I recently went NC in

Oct. It has been the best move I have ever made. I have been an incredibly

anxious person my entire life. Now, with mother gone, I am happy and peaceful. A

few months ago I was talking with my aunt and telling her that I thought I may

have Asperger's or *something* because I was a very confused and timid child and

I never could really *read* people and was scared of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE.

She really opened my eyes when she said " No, honey. You were always a happy and

normal child. It was your environment that made you feel that way. " WOW! I

couldn't believe it. My ENTIRE life my mother had told me I was " crazy " and

" selfish " . I was forever trying to put a name to my " condition " so I could find

out how to cure myself of all the sadness, anxiety, loneliness, despair,

hopelessness, lower than the lowest self-esteem, and fear I felt all these

years. It wasn't until I got a

*great* therapist a couple of years ago, that the truth came out. He even asked

my mother to come to a session, and he said it was apparent almost immediately

that she has some kind of personality disorder. He helped me see that what she

was doing was KILLING me and my family (we lived with her because she convinced

us that it was my job as the eldest child to take care of her as she ages

because she has no spouse).

Leaving her was a nightmare-she made it almost unbearable. But now, almost 2

years later, I feel like I'm starting to live MY life for the FIRST TIME in

almost 35 years. I love my life now. Fear doesn't grip my chest when the phone

rings. I am not forever trying to please her, and sacrificing my time, money,

wants, wishes, dreams, and relationships for her. and I don't feel bad FOR ONE

SECOND. I spent 2 years crying and feeling bad for her and wondering what I

could do or say or give her to make her love me or accept my boundaries, etc so

we could have a pleasant relationship. Now the only thing that matters is that I

am doing the best damn job I can for me, my dh, and my children. My sibs think I

am being a terrible person and you know what? I don't care. Their perception of

me really doesn't matter, nor my extended family. I recently had a family member

contact me and tell me that she would like to have a relationship with me now

that I have moved out

of my mother's house. I really don't care to have any kind of relationship with

her. It's just not worth it. I have come to FINALLY REALIZE just because she

says it, doesn't make it true:

I am NOT crazy. I am NOT a bad person. I am NOT incapable or inadequate. I am

NOT a bad mother or daughter or sister or wife.

After all these years, I am finally believing the BEST in myself and it feels

utterly AWESOME.