Needing suggestions :)

[Guest guest]

Hi.

I don't post here regularly, but do read the posts, on and off that

come through my yahoo.

I learn a lot from them.

But today, I'm really struggling..........

I've done everythign I can to get away from this illness, mentally

and physically, only to have so many days like this to remind me of

what the reality is.....

The last several nights, I've been unable to sleep more than a

couple of hours. I'm awake all through the night. IT's so

frustrating! I take alprazolam for sleep, but don't want to up my

dosage of .05 because then the next day, it's hard to function. BUt

it is if I don' tget sleep either. I'm cognitively deficient as

well. Everything just hurts. My head, my eyes......my car broke down

and I'm a single mom of six. My son's have had to accompany me to

the store......which means walking. It hurts. It just plain hurts to

walk. I make it there and back, but I'm exhausted afterwards. It is

so frustrating! I suffer a great deal of anxiety over this illness,

and I also suffer trying to convey what it is to live with this crap

everyday. Has anyone got any idea how to convey this? When I feel

reasonably well one day, I might be sick as a dog the next, I might

not sleep that night that leads to weeks of no sleep...which

aggravates everything else. WHen I feel reasonably well, it's easy

to go comfie into denial again, only to pay for that denial.

I have anxiety disorder, as well as PTSD. I find myself literally

being dishonest about those things too. Not wanting to talk about it

because of the stigma attached......not only to fibro, as well as

the other multitude of illnesses I have, but also the mental health

issue. That also makes it really hard.

I don't want to whine. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of

the denial, I'm tired of the confusion and frustration over the

feeling great one day, then like shit the next. I realize that

harsh, but it makes me so angry and feel so defeated sometimes.

Right now I am under pressure (once again) by the state who has me

on their welfare system due to not being able to work while I wait

for the SSI application to be decided, to be pushed to work. One of

my workers, from my perception, wants to boot me out to do something

she thinks I can do, but I keep telling her that I can't. It is

interesting because she has MS. SHe's a super nice lady and has

always treated me with respect, ALWAYS, but there's this underlying

thing that says she's not believing what I'm saying.....she has a

husband and a nanny to take care of her children while she works,

and when she gets home. I don't have that. My kids have me and that

is all. It is too unhealthy for me to have a relationship wtih my

family and they are unsupportive as well as my ex's family. When

everything seems so big and overwhelming, to live as I do everyday,

and I don't mean to suggest that others don't have it really hard,

cuz I've seen some of the stuff that is posted in here and it blows

my mind.......but I HAVE NO HELP. I get therapy (mental healthy) by

a very good therapist. But I don't have family and I haVE one friend

on whom I can rely upon to take me places if I need it. My best

friend, but I try not to ask too much because she has a hubby and

kids and responsibilities to attend to and I don't want to burden

her. How do I explain this to people? I can't even get the words out

as to what it is to live in this body and this mind every single day

and try to take care of my children and hope and pray to God they

have a healthier existence than I do when they eventually leave

home, emotionally and physically.

I'm just so tired. I hurt all over. But I hurt in my heart too. I

don't know how to convey.........

Does anyone have any suggestions for me? I would surely appreciate

some

Kelli