Guest guest Posted December 4, 2010 Report Share Posted December 4, 2010 I've been hurt deeply by my children at times and the only answer to the pain is for me to forgive them. There is no changing them and if they say I'm sorry, it doesn't erase the fact that they were hurtful. So my advice is that you forgive them, love them and pray they won't be damaged by the negative thoughts and actions against you. Jennette Donna wrote: Would appreciate any input from all of you. It is ruining my holidays. I am having #8 back surgery Dec 14, and this stress is not helping at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 4, 2010 Report Share Posted December 4, 2010 Dear mrsdjmcw: This is some of the worst things that a parent has to deal with when their children grow up. It could be that the new wife is poisoning her against you, but a lot of it is probably the fact that she is just wanting to be independent and spend all her time with her spouse. She could be saying terrible things to you just as an excuse not to spend time (kids can just be that selfish nowadays). They can be the sweetest people when they want to be (or when they want something), and then just go to 'me-town' when it comes time to take time out of their busy schedules. It could be that she is feeling guilt about not being there for you, too and telling herself these things or listening to someone else say them might be a way that she deals with the guilt, too. Do not let what she is doing tear you down. It is a lot less about you and more about her. It is a shame that she is taking this route and she will regret it down the line, but she is going to be the way she is and you cannot change her. As hard as it is, you have to just let her go for now. I truly understand how you feel. My own daughter just left the nest to live with her boyfriend a few weeks ago. My whole world had been about her for 19 years and I have been bereft. She knows how bad of shape that I am in, and that without her I am stranded at home most of the time and have to manage with things that I just cannot manage anymore. Then she calls and says inane things like, 'well you must be feeling better because you made dinner,' when in actuality what choice did I have and it killed me and made me hurt so much I could barely eat it. I have quit wearing kid gloves and worrying about sparing her feelings when I write back, too. I am quite blunt when she says, 'how are you managing?' She wants me to say, 'just fine' so that I can free her from guilt, but I will not do it. I tell her just how I am managing. If your daughter does not ask, or does not want to talk or see you, then do not. Do not call her, do not ask her over, if all it is going to do is cause you more pain. I still cry everyday a bit about my daughter being gone, but then I have to eat and have to still manage to get to the store or do the things that need to be done. Meanwhile, just concentrate on you and on getting ready for your surgery. Since you cannot depend on her, and if you are all alone, try to line up some help for when you get home from the hospital. Most doctors will help you arrange for temporary home aide for a short period of time and most insurances will cover it (for a short period). You will be in my thoughts and prayers on the 14th! Hopefully she will come around. She'll start missing you, too and if her wife is saying mean things all the time, she will eventually start to resent her for it after a while. If she does call to chat, do not hassle her about not seeing her, just chat. If she asks how you are, tell her honestly how you are. Meanwhile, we both have to let them go...*sigh* - PA > mrsdjmcw wrote: Daughter now wants nothing to do with me. She resents the fact I walk too slow, I have pain, am limited how much I can walk, so she never does anything with me, thinks I am a liability. She has alienated my own child from me, and I miss her desperately. Does anyone out there have a similar problem? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 4, 2010 Report Share Posted December 4, 2010 I also have been hurt by my sons. You just forgive them and love them no matter what because you can lose them very quickly. My oldest has hurt me in the past and the day before he died, we had a big argument over nothing. I wasn't able to tell him that I loved him before he was gone. So take it from a mom who lost her child,just love them. They will soon realize that they love you as much as you love them. Gentle hugs, Ms.Katurah Jennette wrote: So my advice is that you forgive them, love them and pray they won't be damaged by the negative thoughts and actions against you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 5, 2010 Report Share Posted December 5, 2010 MsKaturah, thanks for the response. I have always tried to teach my daughter to cherish people, because you never know how long they will be around. My father died in the middle of the night with no warning,and my brother was killed at 17 when he left with a friend on a new motorcycle,and never made it back home. I guess we can never love our kids too much. I pray that she returns to me, but if not, I will take your advice and be sure she knows how much she is loved. I have so few friends now that I don't work and can't drive,that I'd love to chat more with you and hear how you are dealing with your pain. No pain has ever hurt as much as not seeing my daughter. It has ripped me apart. Thanks for the advice. Donna Katurah wrote: > I wasn't able to tell him that I loved him before he was gone. So take it from a mom who lost her child,just love them. They will soon realize that they love you as much as you love them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 5, 2010 Report Share Posted December 5, 2010 Carol, Thanks so much for your response. Yes, I've had multiple talks with her from several different approaches,but nothing ever works.I love her more than life itself, but this pain she has put me in, is worse than all of my spinal pain combined. Life is too short for us to continue this way. I want her to realize how quickly life itself can end. I lost my Dad in the middle of the night and he was never even sick. I want her to appreciate all life has to give because you only go around once. Yes,I am lucky to be married to a man who is everything I've ever dreamed of having in a spouse. Without him. I doubt I could go on. I feel badly - his daughter just had a baby girl and I am so happy for him. But, I feel so lost that my daughter and her 2 kids never come around. I waited so long to be a Grandma. I have hardly any friends since I no longer work, and can't drive,would love to chat more with you if possible. What kind of chronic pain do you have to deal with? I wish I could resolve this before my surgery. The holidays hold little happiness for me this year. Hope to talk to you more. Donna Carol wrote: > This sounds like an incredibly stressful situation for you! Have you expressed any of these concerns with your daughter? I realize that's a tough spot but perhaps a conversation could alleviate your fears. Just a thought. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.