Re: co-dependence - Carolyn

[Guest guest]

,

I, too, like many of us have a " non-communicicating " grown BP daughter.

They're not very good at relationships. Please don't hold out your hopes.

I've come to the conclusion I'm not going to have the " close " relationship I

would have loved with my daughter and her daughter (it takes 4 calls to get

through the gatekeeper before I'm allowed to speak to my grand).

It was a mourning process to an extent, and a distancing -- protecting the rest

of my family so the BPD did not bring us down. It's sad -- but it's reality.

Yes, my heart goes out to her, this is not the life I would have liked for her

-- it's hard. Yet, there is not much I can do. What I had to offer she did not

want -- we offered shelter, food, babysitting -- she chose out..... We tried to

sit down and talk to her to see how she would feel a part of the family. I

don't know why, but she could not accept her/our family. She had no desire to

be a part of it -- or to speak to us about what really matters in life. Who

knows what goes on in their minds.........

Life is more peacful for us when she doesn't live with us. Although, I can't

imagine they are at peace with themselves, ever.

Carol

-------------- Original message --------------

>

> Hi Carolyn - since I have a " non-communicating " BP grown daughter too, and am

> trying to determine how to handle this, I wonder what you mean by " detaching "

> and getting away from the " co-dependence " . I would like to have a close

> relationship with her but nothing I do/say is " right " ....How does

> " co-dependence "

> fit in here? -

>

> In a message dated 7/28/2005 6:43:14 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

> openjoyful@... writes:

>

> It is good practice " detaching " to get away from co-dependence.

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

My response to Joan about co-dependence had to do, of course, with

her compulsion to contact him (because she cares, wants to help,

etc.) but also her desire to have him make decisions in his own life

without being smothering or rescued.

Forgive me that I am not as familiar with your situation as I should

be. The only thing I can throw in here is that it is my opinion that

co-dependence is something going on inside us, as parents, and

probably does not depend on whether we are even in touch with our

children. Co-dependents are obsessed, feel guilty, are overinvolved

with their bp's life (and in agony because of it). They are so other-

directed that they start to lose themselves. If most of your waking

moments involve being angry, concerned, fearful, etc. about your

daughter, then it is unhealthy for you. If your thoughts and actions

are mostly concentrated around your life, if you feel pretty calm

and good about things generally, and don't interfere (or want to) in

her life all the time, then you most likely are not co-dependent.

A year or so ago, I remember being totally wrapped up in my

daughter's problems to the point of feeling like I was going crazy.

I jumped to conclusions about where she was, what her motives were,

and always thought the worst. I rescued her constantly, and covered

up for her. I enabled her. It was terrible, and not a way to live. A

good and true friend at NarAnon told me one day to go immediately to

the closest bookstore and buy " Co-Dependent No More " by Melody

Beattie. It was the most eye-opening book I could have found,

because it was all about my problem - I didn't even know there was a

name for it. And the symptoms were listed - lots of them - and they

applied to me! She goes on to discuss how to help yourself, and

detaching is one of the most important (and difficult) steps. But it

works beautifully, and I recommend this book all the time to others

who could benefit the same way I did.

Carolyn

>

> Hi Carolyn - since I have a " non-communicating " BP grown daughter

too, and am

> trying to determine how to handle this, I wonder what you mean

by " detaching "

> and getting away from the " co-dependence " . I would like to have a

close

> relationship with her but nothing I do/say is " right " ....How

does " co-dependence "

> fit in here? -

>

> In a message dated 7/28/2005 6:43:14 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

> openjoyful@y... writes:

>

> It is good practice " detaching " to get away from co-dependence.

>

>

>

>

>

>