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To my awesome, loving MSers Family,

I came home yesterday, but felt compelled to reconnect with my kids prior to writing you all. I hope you understand. I cannot tell you each and all enough how I felt carried by your prayers. I have waded through a-many emails, however, did a fairly large, 'mass delete' however, I do it by scrolling down holding the shift key which highlights, so I can go down and read through a bit, then hit delete and wipe out many at a single 'swipe'. Anyway, didn't want to get into tech stuff right now.. First of all: I MISSED YOU ALL TERRIBLY!!

One of the things that is 'blowing me away', is the fact that Nukhet, all the way from Turkey, not only called me once, by twice while I was in the hospital. It is very difficult to get through on a psych unit with only 2 pay phones, when there is 15 or 16 residents there, and many 'group' times the phones must remain off the hooks. So, on top of that, I had NO IDEA of Nukhet's most upsetting and life changing event of not only having a tumor, but having her entire breast removed! In Nukhet's sheer love and beauty, she did not mention this AT ALL to me on our brief, but uplifting phone calls! Nukhet, my heart aches for you. But in your voice when you called, I heard the voice of a woman very much in control, loving, kind and very, very strong. I am here for you should you need to write, or have ME call this time! Please let me know. I love you very much. Sharon also blessed my heart by getting through on the phone;I understand she had to hit the redial button endless times before she was able to get through.

I am still tapering off the Cymbalta; from 60 to 40 and now 20--which I will stay on for a bit more time, as I am still experiencing horrible panic attack sensations that take my breath away--for that reason, the psychiatrist there said to remain on the 20 for a bit more time. I am positive that for me, Cymbalta was NOT the drug of choice. I read Dana's post about his coming off very quickly as he determined right away it was not right for him. I was on 20, then 40, but the 60 mgs I had really only been on for at most, 2 months, and that is when my downward spiral began. Yes, it is 'situational' as well, but Cymbalta was making that spiral that much worse... I was incredible blessed to have the most awesome, insightful and wise psychiatrist on the unit-Dr. Howell Schrage. I was additionally blessed to be assigned a very sweet and efficient Social Worker, Walton.

My mood has stabilized. I feel much clearer. I am not thrilled to admit that I am on what is referred to as meds for 'bipolar': Abilify and Lamictal, but hey, they seem to be even-ning me out, and lifting that 'black cloud' experience, so, be it. I saw my SW therapist yesterday--it seemed like forever since I'd seen him, and it was wonderful to be able to smile, thank him for his help. He, on Fri. the 30th of Nov. said in the most stern and kind of scary way: You must go to the ER-NOW!. Now, of course, me being Kate, and knowing my sweet Lia's 16th birthday was the next day, put it off til the Monday after he made this directive to me. It was time. I was in a very bad way.

Now, not to be all negative now, because I do feel much better, but my MS seems to if not progressed, certainly have flared. One night I had insomnia, like most nights there, and tonight now as well...when I tried to get up, both my feet and lower legs were virtually 'not there', like not part of my body feeling. Since then, I've been given a leg /foot splint for drop foot on my left side, and had to use a rollator type walker for the rest of the time I was there. My balance is the worst it has ever been; I took 2 falls while there, both fairly benign, but one, when I felt into the shower ( I wasn't even taking one!) I hit my head and cut my arm a bit. Standing or walking is a chore, and boy, it is tiring. Sitting isn't the greatest either, as spasms in my back are making me take my baclofen much more often--I had only used it as a prn, and the tizanidine/zanaflex, I alternate with as well. I am over due for my Tysabri infusion, and I can only hope that once I get that 'in me' I will be done with all this MS 'nonsense'!--meaning, maybe it will improve all these problems. It does feel to me that my MS is progressing, and I am feeling prompted to see an MS specialist. My neuro is great and thorough, but he is not purely an 'MS guy', so I feel not his expertise. I am sorry this is so long-winded. I will sum up just saying that I really could 'feel' all your prayers and well-wishes and thoughts--prayer IS a powerful thing, and you each, in your own special and unique way, not only helped me to go and get the help I needed to get, but carried me through a difficult time and ,for me, a guilty time, being away from my family, esp., my kids.

I do need a special prayer request now...Lloyd is, as soon as I came home, stressing me out. I cannot 'go' there again. I need to get well. He seems to be immediately sabotaging, or at least trying to, that for me. He is angry that a CPS case was opened--that due to me telling my concerns in the hospital about Lloyd's drinking, rage, and recent hitting our youngest--boom, case opened--he is incredibly stressed out about it. I finally 'fessed up', and told him it was ME, and not 'a friend of mine'--which CPS stupidly told him--so I still felt the pressure was on me. I said I don't think you are a child abuser (well, not so much physically as mentally, but I didn't go there), but I told him, I think you have a drinking problem. He immediately went into nasty mode, denying that he has a problem....I think the next step is either I ask CPS to mandate he attend AA, or a legal separation. I think those are my only 2 choices at this point, and....I now feel stronger to go forward! That's the best part!

I love you each and all..it is hard to convey my gratitude, love and devotion to you all. Always, Kate

We can only be said to be alive in those momentswhen our hearts are conscious of our treasures.~Thornton Wilder