intelligent nadas

[Guest guest]

Does anyone feel like your nada is...how shall I say it, too smart for you? I

can't count the number of times my nada's manipulations, subtle changes of the

truth have slipped past me. I'm way more aware than I used to be now that I

know about BPD, but I find even now if I'm feeling sick or just having an off

day and I talk to her that it is often to my disadvantage.

Here's one small example...a few weeks ago I called her and it seemed I hadn't

caught her at a time she wanted to talk. All she had to do was say like a

normal person that now wasn't a good time - but oh no, that would be too direct.

Add to this that she's been resenting that I've added more time between my calls

to her. So she says I should hang up with her and call my aunt who is feeling

bad. I say well my aunt might not want to talk *because* she's feeling bad.

Then my nada says oh well don't you call her on Saturday's? She was hurt last

weekend when she didn't hear from you on Saturday, she sounded so sad. And I

fell for it and rang off to call me aunt!

So here's the breakdown - she didn't want to talk to me at the time, succeeded

in getting me off the phone without saying she wanted me off the phone. Made it

like it was because she was so concerned about her sister - saintlike I tell

you. She does not express her own resentment over my not calling her when she

expects to hear from me - she says *her sister* feels " sadness " and lays it on

thick that I should appease my aunt's hurt feelings over me not calling. But

it is in fact my nada who is resentful of me not calling. I call the aunt and

clear the air - she isn't resentful of anything, has no idea what it's all

about, oh and get this - she feels bad and just wants to rest and not talk on

the phone. So my nada gets to appear saintlike, subtly reinforce the behavior

she wants from me, gets to express her feelings as someone else's.

I know this is small apples compared to the trauma many of you go through with

your nadas, but do any of you relate? Do you ever feel like you need to drink

two cups of coffee before talking to your nada so she can't get anything past

you?

There are many more incidents like this but each one is intricate and

multi-layered. Just a couple days ago she took small bits of information I'd

told her over a period of *years* to diagnose me with gallbladder disease while

I was having a brief stomach flu and catastrophize it all to the nth degree and

tell me all about how I should cure it - her way. I'd fought and won the

battle of getting her out of her role of " Dr Mom " a few years ago, but she

sensed weakness and tried to reclaim the territory. AAAAARRRRRGGGH

These kind of things make me feel crazy. Yet they don't feel like incidents

worth of going NC over...at the same time it is difficult to have a relationship

with someone like this. Also direct confrontation with her about any of it

would result in enough nastiness on her part (and no real change) that for me it

is hardly worth it.

Thanks,