Re: dot33 re:trash re:jean

June 30, 2005

Dot,

Oh my goodness, I never meant to imply that writing a letter would cure anyone!

I'm not that naive as to think that. My own daughter went through DBT therapy!!

I just suggested the letter as a means to equalize a standoff or tense situation

by opening a door or an avenue to do what you just said, communicate. Yes, I

believe that does need therapy and it sounds like she is doing that, so

hope I cleared that up!!

Thanks,

Jan

June 30, 2005

Sorry, all! Forgot to sign my last post.

Dot

> Dot,

>

> Oh my goodness, I never meant to imply that writing a letter would

cure anyone! I'm not that naive as to think that. My own daughter

went through DBT therapy!! I just suggested the letter as a means

to equalize a standoff or tense situation by opening a door or an

avenue to do what you just said, communicate. Yes, I believe that

does need therapy and it sounds like she is doing that, so

hope I cleared that up!!

>

> Thanks,

> Jan

>

June 30, 2005

Hi, Jan

My mistake. I guess I mistook your intensity for conviction that a

letter (or letters) could be a cure-all! Sorry.

I was pleased to hear that your daughter had the opportunity to

avail herself of DBT. Was it her choice, or yours? And, did she

gain anything meaningful from it? I suppose that would depend on

why she went - for herself, or because you made her.

I've heard lots of folks espouse DBT, but haven't heard but only a

smidgen of posts that said it helped their kid.

> Dot,

>

> Oh my goodness, I never meant to imply that writing a letter would

cure anyone! I'm not that naive as to think that. My own daughter

went through DBT therapy!! I just suggested the letter as a means

to equalize a standoff or tense situation by opening a door or an

avenue to do what you just said, communicate. Yes, I believe that

does need therapy and it sounds like she is doing that, so

hope I cleared that up!!

>

> Thanks,

> Jan

>

July 1, 2005

Hi, Dot

You asked about DBT and if it was my choice or hers? It was her

psychiatrist's suggestion and I was the one who had to find the mental

health facility and get her signed up. Since she was 17, you're right, I

didn't give her a choice. She had to go, period. She also knew that she

had come to a crossroads and she didn't want to feel like she did anymore

either. Of course the first day of therapy, she wasn't going to get in the

car, so I physically took her and put her in the car. I was happy she

didn't jump out while we were driving!! When we got there, she wasn't going

to go in, so the counselor came out and talked her inside, then after that

first and second time, she knew that it was going to help her. She never

missed a session after that and she was the only one out of her group that

made it through the whole program. I am very proud of her for that and I

still tell her that I'm proud of her as often as I can.

She gained skills for coping with stress, anger, rages, sadness, negative

self image, splitting, you name it... It really helped her tremendously,

altho I think that she, like Carolyn's daughter, didn't have it(BPD) to the

same degree as say your daughter or Jean's daughter. I think we caught it

early enough and she had medication and therapy. I stress AND because there

isn't a magic pill for BPD as you know. She is now 19 and will be

graduating from Cosmetology school in a few weeks and she took an entrance

exam for Vet Technology in October. She's living 75 miles away from home

(which I never thought she could do in a million years) and is doing very

well. I think she's gained alot of confidence and maturity too, so I guess

time is on our side with respect to BPD. I feel very fortunate that she got

turned around and headed in the right direction. I just hope and pray that

it continues.

It's so disheartening to read all the posts from the mothers like you and

and Elaine that have it so difficult. My heart goes out to all of you

on this site....

Jan

Re: dot33 re:trash re:jean

> Hi, Jan

>

> My mistake. I guess I mistook your intensity for conviction that a

> letter (or letters) could be a cure-all! Sorry.

>

> I was pleased to hear that your daughter had the opportunity to

> avail herself of DBT. Was it her choice, or yours? And, did she

> gain anything meaningful from it? I suppose that would depend on

> why she went - for herself, or because you made her.

>

> I've heard lots of folks espouse DBT, but haven't heard but only a

> smidgen of posts that said it helped their kid.

>

> > Dot,

> >

> > Oh my goodness, I never meant to imply that writing a letter would

> cure anyone! I'm not that naive as to think that. My own daughter

> went through DBT therapy!! I just suggested the letter as a means

> to equalize a standoff or tense situation by opening a door or an

> avenue to do what you just said, communicate. Yes, I believe that

> does need therapy and it sounds like she is doing that, so

> hope I cleared that up!!

> >

> > Thanks,

> > Jan

> >

July 1, 2005

Well, my daughter listed a house yesterday and showed me quite a bit of the

marketing literature she has put together and mailed out, canvassing with ,etc.

She has another appraisal appt that she is going on today.

I spent some time with her yesterday. She had called the night before and

asked if I wanted to meet her at the tennis courts for 's tennis lesson.

I was not " proud " ---I jumped at the chance!!!!! As it turned out, her car ( a

2005 Honda Accord with 8,000miles on it wouldn't start). I thought she was

full of it and this must be a type of set up, because she asked me if I would

take to his lesson. As it turned out, her battery was dead. My younger

grandson has a bad habit of playing with the inside car lights in the back

seat and he had left the light on and weakened the battery.

I took to his lesson and then I drove him to camp. We told each other

how much we had missed each other and he was overjoyed to be with me. He was

acting very excited and " silly " . It was wonderful. , the little

guy, told me he was " mad " at me for putting Will in jail, because he likes Will.

So, I told him I was sorry he was upset with me and I loved and missed him.

He said, " OK " , can we go to Burger King later? " I told him it was up to his

mother. MY daughter had that listing appt and I told her I would take the

kids to the playground if she wanted so she wouldn't have to drive 40mi to pick

up her young sister in law who has been sitting. I took the kids to Burger

King and the playground---spent another 3 hours with them. It was great.

I am meeting with my counselor and my daughter. None of this resolves any ot

the underlying problems, but it is a start.

Jean

July 1, 2005

Hi, Jan

I'm glad your daughter found herself at a crossroads so early,

relatively speaking, in her life. So many of us have bps who

obviously haven't traveled that far down their roads of life and who

have taken a few detours and several wrong turns.

It is super your daughter had the DBT op, AND made the most of it.

Certainly, it gives hope to the rest of us for our kids.

My daughter has been on her own for about a year now, a little

longer. She is FINALLY going to take her GED exam later this month,

mainly I think, because her boyfriend is, too. She still doesn't

have any concrete plans for her future; she has dreams, but doesn't

seem to be taking any kind of strides towards reaching those

dreams.

For many of the years that she lived with us, she was SOO bp, but we

didn't know that she was bp. We just knew she was h--l to live with

and I wondered, since she was my first born, if this was what I had

to look forward to with my second child as well.

I always thought her behaviors (the ones i knew about, she was very

sneaky) were way beyond the realm of normal, but it seemed like her

friends from school were just as screwed up as she. So, for a long

time I decided it must be that kids weren't nearly as " nice " as they

were when I was a kid.

Gosh, when she was 13, I took her to a shrink for evaluation--a

child shrink, MD-type. He talked with us both, then her, then both

again, where he told me there was nothing wrong with her, that she

was a normal teen.

TBH, that skewed my thinking--after all, he was supposed to know

what he was talking about, right? Talk about a wasted $200.

We found there was no way for our friends to know that our bp kid's

actions were that one or two steps beyond " normal " teen rebellion.

They'd say, oh, our kids went through their rebellious years, but

they came around in their early 20s. I knew, in my heart, this was

not the case with my bp.

When bp was finally diagnosed, it came as a HUGE relief--mainly

because things clicked into place with reading SWOE and other

things. My friend who has six kids (all but one married and gone)

then shared that her third daughter had struggled with bp, but was

pretty high functioning; she got help and moved on.

I was pretty angry with my friend for a while, because I wondered

why she hadn't shared this stuff with me before. I had thought we

were pretty close. Ah, but folks are reluctant to share what they

consider the skeletons in their closets, so after I got over my

initial anger ('cause she and her daughter both shared a lot of

things that helped us, eventually), I understood why she hadn't said

a thing. Still, it would have been nice to know while we were in

the throes of the thing.

Today, my daughter seems to be content to not work - she was working

when she and her boyfriend got an apartment together; he was not.

After getting fired several times, she doesn't work and he does, but

only about 20 hours/week, which doesn't go very far.

Dot

July 1, 2005

Oh Jean.,,,,,,,this is soooooooooooo wonderful!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy

for you, I got chills.

I'm picturing you and in the car, him all smiling, so happy, feeling

the excitement in your heart finally getting near them again. Oh, what JOY!!

I'm crying for you.

I'm so glad, I hope this all works out for you. That was a good answer to

, he will soon forget. He's so young yet, he might like Will now, but

only until he gets older and wiser. Who knows, with any luck Will might

work out for them. Time will tell.

I can't get over the thrill you must feel. I can feel it too. Good

luck today with the counselor. Maybe now is beginning to realize the

havoc and chaos she has caused and how useless it all has been.

Hugs

Debbie

July 1, 2005

Jean

WHAT FANTASTIC NEWS!!! I'm so very pleased for you. I know you've

grieved over that relationship with those boys for a long time. I

hope this is the beginning of a continuous relationship with those

kids. And, it sounds like your daughter is doing better away from

the influence of her husband.

Dot

> Well, my daughter listed a house yesterday and showed me quite a

bit of the

> marketing literature she has put together and mailed out,

canvassing with ,etc.

> She has another appraisal appt that she is going on today.

>

> I spent some time with her yesterday. She had called the night

before and

> asked if I wanted to meet her at the tennis courts for 's

tennis lesson.

> I was not " proud " ---I jumped at the chance!!!!! As it turned out,

her car ( a

> 2005 Honda Accord with 8,000miles on it wouldn't start). I thought

she was

> full of it and this must be a type of set up, because she asked me

if I would

> take to his lesson. As it turned out, her battery was

dead. My younger

> grandson has a bad habit of playing with the inside car lights in

the back

> seat and he had left the light on and weakened the battery.

>

> I took to his lesson and then I drove him to camp. We told

each other

> how much we had missed each other and he was overjoyed to be with

me. He was

> acting very excited and " silly " . It was wonderful. ,

the little

> guy, told me he was " mad " at me for putting Will in jail, because

he likes Will.

> So, I told him I was sorry he was upset with me and I loved and

missed him.

> He said, " OK " , can we go to Burger King later? " I told him it was

up to his

> mother. MY daughter had that listing appt and I told her I would

take the

> kids to the playground if she wanted so she wouldn't have to drive

40mi to pick

> up her young sister in law who has been sitting. I took the kids

to Burger

> King and the playground---spent another 3 hours with them. It was

great.

>

> I am meeting with my counselor and my daughter. None of this

resolves any ot

> the underlying problems, but it is a start.

>

> Jean

>

July 2, 2005

Wow!! I am thrilled you and daughter are speaking. Now she is acting like

many BP. Enjoy this time with your grandsons I was concerned when she went so

long not speaking to you. Mine swings back and forth. Right now is talking

to me and no longer wants to kill me.

I try to always live in the present and not dwell on the past. It helps me

get through the crazy days. I just had a telephone call from mine said she

could not wake up. I said you are talking, what do you mean can not wake up?

She has been using language differently the last year. Leaving words out when

she speaks. I have no idea as to what this means is going on in her head.

Again, I am so happy for you Jean.

Frances

Message: 2

Date: Fri, 1 Jul 2005 08:39:16 EDT

From: cascorsam@...

Subject: Re: Re: dot33 re:trash re:jean