Re: I know I'm probably driving y'all nuts with this

[Guest guest]

Thanks Jackie. I never realized changing therapists would be so emotional

for me. I am pretty attached to my therapist, but that cannot color the fact

that I've not made a lot of improvements with her and I'm paying her,out

of pocket, $1500-2000 every 4 weeks. OMG. Just typing that makes me want to

throw up. Especially since I know I should be further ahead. It's not her

fault. It's just that she is not a trauma specialist and I really feel like

I need someone who specializes in DID. Just 2 sessions with this other

therapist were amazing to me. She is sooooo knowledgeable and with my

therapist, it has been like we're kinda teaching each other. I'm so over

telling my

story. I need someone who can help me with being DID.

My sessions with the other therapist have already given me suggestions and

homework and yes, since I haven't seen my therapist in almost 3 weeks, I

have been less depressed. Partially because the other therapist has 20 years

experience in DID and is half the cost of my present therapist.

Friday I talked to my therapist and I ended up getting all upset and

having a meltdown. So. I don't know. I think the bottom line is that while I am

attached to my therapist, she is not able to help me at the level I need. I

think she's probably an awesome therapist for someone with marriage issues

or maybe eating disorders. My issues are so complex and I am tired of

seeking help. I want to get well now. My mind and body are pretty exhausted

from

sharing hours of my day with so many other people in my head.

But my therapist says things like, " , I'm not going to leave you. I

am here to the end of this and we'll be together a long time. " I just

cringe when she says that. It hurts me to think I might disappoint her. She has

cared for me for over a year and...cared deeply. I know she cares about me

and I care about her. In some other circumstance, I think we would have

been great friends....but....it's not working for me theraputically. I'm

getting worse instead of better. And it's hard because I feel like she has tried

so much and I am repaying her by quitting on her. I know I technically

don't " owe " her anything, but still...she's human and it's hard not to get

emotionally attached to someone you've shared so much with. I know a good bit

about her life too and thinking about not seeing her makes me burst into

hysterical tears.

I'm also a walking contradiction in the even you haven't noticed.

Then again, maybe this is all my own transference issues (I hope) and

she'll be happy for me and wish me well if I do decide to see someone else. I'm

still in the thinking phase of it all.

In a message dated 3/7/2010 12:38:01 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,

sleddog@... writes:

no, , I am NOT tired of hearing about this..in fact, I was wondering

how it was coming along, although I noticed you have been posting more

recently, and you do sound better to me, less depressed ( of course I am

NOT a therapist) I think you should do whay YOU want to do..a trauma

therapist might be just what you need :-)

Jackie

My therapist called me on Friday and didn't feel I was doing as well as I

was on Monday. She called the trauma hospital back and they said the hold

up

was now my insurance and they're waiting on some sort of pre-certification

or something. I should know something more definite on Monday. Then again,

with the way it has been going, I might not!

I'm sure y'all are tired of hearing me go on and on about this, but NOW I

DON'T WANT TO GO. I know, slap me.

It has been almost 3 weeks and I'm just....over it. My dad said he'd drive

me but it was a very reluctant, " well, I have to work and realllly need the

money, but I did say I'd take you. " Very pathetic and ....just ugh.

And my husband is not real happy about it now either. Kinda sealing the

deal of me not being supported.

I also made an appointment with an actual trauma therapist last week. I

went to her twice and I LOVED HER. I may be switching therapists just

because

mine is not a trauma therapist I personally feel like I'm having entirely

too many bad moments lately -- since summer I've gone up and down a lot and

I'm thinking maybe I just need someone who specializes in DID.

So....In my heart, I know I should probably go to New Orleans, but....it's

so freaking far and 3 weeks ago I was all for it and now, I'm just not so

sure. The new potential therapist said it was between my current therapist

and me but she'd be here when I got back if I chose to go and then still

wanted to see her when I got back. She wants me to tell my therapist I'm

seeing her and I haven't done that yet. Kinda waiting till she gets back

from

medical leave.

I quit school for now.

I'm not going back till fall. It was too much for me to handle right now.

I suck all the way around about now and can't make a decision on what's

best for me. My therapist said I need to trust her and go inpatient for

this

trauma program.

[Guest guest]

Ashana,

Thanks for your insight. I'm trying to trust my therapist and her views on

me going inpatient. If New Orleans calls Monday, I may go ahead and go. I

don't know how I'll feel Monday either. I am seeing the potential new

therapist Monday and am hoping it goes well. She seems very knowledgeable thus

far and has impressed me with some of the things she has said. Her cost is

more affordable to me too. I'm trying to consider all avenues and make a

decision I'm not going to regret. I want to see this woman for a couple of

weeks and make sure I make an informed choice on whether I switch from my

currrent therapist. She has such a heart of gold. I almost wish she'd do

something mean and nasty so I'd have an excuse to leave her, lol.

In a message dated 3/7/2010 12:56:01 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,

ashanamax@... writes:

, I am not tired of it. Other people's issues are easy. It's my own

that I'm fed up with. (Bet you can relate to that...)

I think you should do *something.* Whatever you think will help you--just

do it. The trauma therapist, the trauma hospital, whatever you think will

help you, do it.

Half the problem with trauma is how helpless the traumatic experience made

you feel. If you act in any way on your own behalf, it does a lot to help

you feel more in control, more safe, more able to manage. At least that's

been my experience. When the PTSD stuff starts to feel out of hand fore

me, I just try to do *something.* Basically, doing anything I believe will

help me really does help. Having any plan for my improvement is helpful

to me, even if I find it needs alteration. It does not have to be a big

plan--just deciding to breathe deeply or do the dishes helps. It's that sense

of having a method, some definite things I can do, that's so worthwhile

for me and my own belief that it will be effective that matters. I recommend

it highly as an approach.

I do think that, if you feel unable to really make good decisions for

yourself, that you should trust your therapist and go in-patient. When your

own brain is not working properly, you do kind of have to borrow other

people's. It's not the best way of doing things, but sometimes it's really the

only solution.

Best,

Ashana

Your Mail works best with the New Yahoo Optimized IE8. Get it NOW!

_http://downloads.http://dowhttp://downloadshttp_

(http://downloads.yahoo.com/in/internetexplorer/)

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[Guest guest]

Maybe some, but I'm also very attached to her and I don't want to miss her.

In a message dated 3/7/2010 2:08:22 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,

kk1raven@... writes:

,

Do you feel disloyal for thinking about switching therapists?

You say you worry about disappointing your current therapist. A

therapist shouldn't be disappointed in you for deciding to

switch to another therapist whose speciality is more appropriate

to your problems. She should want you to get the treatment

that's best for you. A good therapist knows that some people

sometimes need what others have to offer. Perhaps you're

confusing the way your nada would react with the way your

therapist might react? Nadas tend to demand loyalty to them and

only them and years of putting up with that kind of thinking can

make it hard to remember that normal people don't see doing

what's best for yourself as being disloyal.

Whatever you decide to do about treatment, I hope it turns out

to be a good choice.

At 12:49 PM 03/07/2010 _Hummingbird1298@Humming_

(mailto:Hummingbird1298@...) wrote:

>Thanks Jackie. I never realized changing therapists would be so

>emotional

>for me. I am pretty attached to my therapist, but that cannot

>color the fact

> that I've not made a lot of improvements with her and I'm

> paying her,out

>of pocket, $1500-2000 every 4 weeks. OMG. Just typing that

>makes me want to

>throw up. Especially since I know I should be further ahead.

>It's not her

>fault. It's just that she is not a trauma specialist and I

>really feel like

>I need someone who specializes in DID. Just 2 sessions with

>this other

>therapist were amazing to me. She is sooooo knowledgeable and

>with my

>therapist, it has been like we're kinda teaching each other.

>I'm so over telling my

>story. I need someone who can help me with being DID.

>

>My sessions with the other therapist have already given me

>suggestions and

>homework and yes, since I haven't seen my therapist in almost 3

>weeks, I

>have been less depressed. Partially because the other therapist

>has 20 years

>experience in DID and is half the cost of my present therapist.

>

>

>Friday I talked to my therapist and I ended up getting all

>upset and

>having a meltdown. So. I don't know. I think the bottom line is

>that while I am

>attached to my therapist, she is not able to help me at the

>level I need. I

>think she's probably an awesome therapist for someone with

>marriage issues

>or maybe eating disorders. My issues are so complex and I am

>tired of

>seeking help. I want to get well now. My mind and body are

>pretty exhausted from

>sharing hours of my day with so many other people in my head.

>

>But my therapist says things like, " , I'm not going to

>leave you. I

>am here to the end of this and we'll be together a long

>time. " I just

>cringe when she says that. It hurts me to think I might

>disappoint her. She has

>cared for me for over a year and...cared deeply. I know she

>cares about me

>and I care about her. In some other circumstance, I think we

>would have

>been great friends....but.been great friends....b

>theraputically. I'm

>getting worse instead of better. And it's hard because I feel

>like she has tried

> so much and I am repaying her by quitting on her. I know I

> technically

>don't " owe " her anything, but still...she'don't " owe " her anythi

>not to get

>emotionally attached to someone you've shared so much with. I

>know a good bit

>about her life too and thinking about not seeing her makes me

>burst into

>hysterical tears.

>

>I'm also a walking contradiction in the even you haven't

>noticed.

>

>Then again, maybe this is all my own transference issues (I

>hope) and

>she'll be happy for me and wish me well if I do decide to see

>someone else. I'm

>still in the thinking phase of it all.

>

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Thanks everyone for replying. I don't want to make it sound like my

therapist has any responsibility in how I'm feeling over whether I choose to

find

someone else or not. I don't know that I will, I'm still in the possible

finding someone else stage. That said, my reasons for not wanting to leave

her are not her problem and I understand that. It's completely me and MY own

attachment to her. It's hard to see someone twice a week for a year and

share as much as I have with her and then just stop seeing her. You know what

I mean?

I know this is a decision I have to make. I don't know which way I'll go,

but she is a really good therapist and I am certain if I told her that I

was considering this she would be supportive and understanding.

[Guest guest]

no, , I am NOT tired of hearing about this..in fact, I was wondering

how it was coming along, although I noticed you have been posting more

recently, and you do sound better to me, less depressed ( of course I am

NOT a therapist) I think you should do whay YOU want to do..a trauma

therapist might be just what you need :-)

Jackie

My therapist called me on Friday and didn't feel I was doing as well as I

was on Monday. She called the trauma hospital back and they said the hold up

was now my insurance and they're waiting on some sort of pre-certification

or something. I should know something more definite on Monday. Then again,

with the way it has been going, I might not!

I'm sure y'all are tired of hearing me go on and on about this, but NOW I

DON'T WANT TO GO. I know, slap me.

It has been almost 3 weeks and I'm just....over it. My dad said he'd drive

me but it was a very reluctant, " well, I have to work and realllly need the

money, but I did say I'd take you. " Very pathetic and ....just ugh.

And my husband is not real happy about it now either. Kinda sealing the

deal of me not being supported.

I also made an appointment with an actual trauma therapist last week. I

went to her twice and I LOVED HER. I may be switching therapists just

because

mine is not a trauma therapist I personally feel like I'm having entirely

too many bad moments lately -- since summer I've gone up and down a lot and

I'm thinking maybe I just need someone who specializes in DID.

So....In my heart, I know I should probably go to New Orleans, but....it's

so freaking far and 3 weeks ago I was all for it and now, I'm just not so

sure. The new potential therapist said it was between my current therapist

and me but she'd be here when I got back if I chose to go and then still

wanted to see her when I got back. She wants me to tell my therapist I'm

seeing her and I haven't done that yet. Kinda waiting till she gets back

from

medical leave.

I quit school for now.

I'm not going back till fall. It was too much for me to handle right now.

I suck all the way around about now and can't make a decision on what's

best for me. My therapist said I need to trust her and go inpatient for this

trauma program.

[Guest guest]

, I am not tired of it.  Other people's issues are easy.  It's my own that

I'm fed up with.  (Bet you can relate to that...)

I think you should do *something.*  Whatever you think will help you--just do

it.  The trauma therapist, the trauma hospital, whatever you think will help

you, do it.

Half the problem with trauma is how helpless the traumatic experience made you

feel.  If you act in any way on your own behalf, it does a lot to help you feel

more in control, more safe, more able to manage.  At least that's been my

experience.  When the PTSD stuff starts to feel out of hand fore me, I just try

to do *something.*  Basically, doing anything I believe will help me really does

help.  Having any plan for my improvement is helpful to me, even if I find it

needs alteration.  It does not have to be a big plan--just deciding to breathe

deeply or do the dishes helps.  It's that sense of having a method, some

definite things I can do, that's so worthwhile for me and my own belief that it

will be effective that matters.  I recommend it highly as an approach.

I do think that, if you feel unable to really make good decisions for yourself,

that you should trust your therapist and go in-patient.  When your own brain is

not working properly, you do kind of have to borrow other people's.  It's not

the best way of doing things, but sometimes it's really the only solution.

Best,

Ashana

Your Mail works best with the New Yahoo Optimized IE8. Get it NOW!

http://downloads.yahoo.com/in/internetexplorer/

[Guest guest]

,

Do you feel disloyal for thinking about switching therapists?

You say you worry about disappointing your current therapist. A

therapist shouldn't be disappointed in you for deciding to

switch to another therapist whose speciality is more appropriate

to your problems. She should want you to get the treatment

that's best for you. A good therapist knows that some people

sometimes need what others have to offer. Perhaps you're

confusing the way your nada would react with the way your

therapist might react? Nadas tend to demand loyalty to them and

only them and years of putting up with that kind of thinking can

make it hard to remember that normal people don't see doing

what's best for yourself as being disloyal.

Whatever you decide to do about treatment, I hope it turns out

to be a good choice.

At 12:49 PM 03/07/2010 Hummingbird1298@... wrote:

>Thanks Jackie. I never realized changing therapists would be so

>emotional

>for me. I am pretty attached to my therapist, but that cannot

>color the fact

> that I've not made a lot of improvements with her and I'm

> paying her,out

>of pocket, $1500-2000 every 4 weeks. OMG. Just typing that

>makes me want to

>throw up. Especially since I know I should be further ahead.

>It's not her

>fault. It's just that she is not a trauma specialist and I

>really feel like

>I need someone who specializes in DID. Just 2 sessions with

>this other

>therapist were amazing to me. She is sooooo knowledgeable and

>with my

>therapist, it has been like we're kinda teaching each other.

>I'm so over telling my

>story. I need someone who can help me with being DID.

>

>My sessions with the other therapist have already given me

>suggestions and

>homework and yes, since I haven't seen my therapist in almost 3

>weeks, I

>have been less depressed. Partially because the other therapist

>has 20 years

>experience in DID and is half the cost of my present therapist.

>

>

>Friday I talked to my therapist and I ended up getting all

>upset and

>having a meltdown. So. I don't know. I think the bottom line is

>that while I am

>attached to my therapist, she is not able to help me at the

>level I need. I

>think she's probably an awesome therapist for someone with

>marriage issues

>or maybe eating disorders. My issues are so complex and I am

>tired of

>seeking help. I want to get well now. My mind and body are

>pretty exhausted from

>sharing hours of my day with so many other people in my head.

>

>But my therapist says things like, " , I'm not going to

>leave you. I

>am here to the end of this and we'll be together a long

>time. " I just

>cringe when she says that. It hurts me to think I might

>disappoint her. She has

>cared for me for over a year and...cared deeply. I know she

>cares about me

>and I care about her. In some other circumstance, I think we

>would have

>been great friends....but....it's not working for me

>theraputically. I'm

>getting worse instead of better. And it's hard because I feel

>like she has tried

> so much and I am repaying her by quitting on her. I know I

> technically

>don't " owe " her anything, but still...she's human and it's hard

>not to get

>emotionally attached to someone you've shared so much with. I

>know a good bit

>about her life too and thinking about not seeing her makes me

>burst into

>hysterical tears.

>

>I'm also a walking contradiction in the even you haven't

>noticed.

>

>Then again, maybe this is all my own transference issues (I

>hope) and

>she'll be happy for me and wish me well if I do decide to see

>someone else. I'm

>still in the thinking phase of it all.

>

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

sounds like you need a new therapist !! They are supposed to make us feel

BETTER, not make us worse than we were...don't worry about disappointing

her..you are paying for her services, and she's not doing what you're paying

her for..so it's time to pay someone who can better suite your needs..this

is not person, this is good business and for your benefit. If your

therapist really cares for you, she will be happy you found someone who can

help you better than she can..

Jackie

Thanks Jackie. I never realized changing therapists would be so emotional

for me. I am pretty attached to my therapist, but that cannot color the fact

that I've not made a lot of improvements with her and I'm paying her,out

of pocket, $1500-2000 every 4 weeks. OMG. Just typing that makes me want to

throw up. Especially since I know I should be further ahead. It's not her

fault. It's just that she is not a trauma specialist and I really feel like

I need someone who specializes in DID. Just 2 sessions with this other

therapist were amazing to me. She is sooooo knowledgeable and with my

therapist, it has been like we're kinda teaching each other. I'm so over

telling my

story. I need someone who can help me with being DID.

My sessions with the other therapist have already given me suggestions and

homework and yes, since I haven't seen my therapist in almost 3 weeks, I

have been less depressed. Partially because the other therapist has 20 years

experience in DID and is half the cost of my present therapist.

Friday I talked to my therapist and I ended up getting all upset and

having a meltdown. So. I don't know. I think the bottom line is that while I

am

attached to my therapist, she is not able to help me at the level I need. I

think she's probably an awesome therapist for someone with marriage issues

or maybe eating disorders. My issues are so complex and I am tired of

seeking help. I want to get well now. My mind and body are pretty exhausted

from

sharing hours of my day with so many other people in my head.

But my therapist says things like, " , I'm not going to leave you. I

am here to the end of this and we'll be together a long time. " I just

cringe when she says that. It hurts me to think I might disappoint her. She

has

cared for me for over a year and...cared deeply. I know she cares about me

and I care about her. In some other circumstance, I think we would have

been great friends....but....it's not working for me theraputically. I'm

getting worse instead of better. And it's hard because I feel like she has

tried

so much and I am repaying her by quitting on her. I know I technically

don't " owe " her anything, but still...she's human and it's hard not to get

emotionally attached to someone you've shared so much with. I know a good

bit

about her life too and thinking about not seeing her makes me burst into

hysterical tears.

I'm also a walking contradiction in the even you haven't noticed.

Then again, maybe this is all my own transference issues (I hope) and

she'll be happy for me and wish me well if I do decide to see someone else.

I'm

still in the thinking phase of it all.

[Guest guest]

katie,

A therapist is someone you pay to help you get better.  Sometimes, you reach

the end of their knowledge and it's time to move on to someone else.  Because

it's so hard for us to say no to people, and because we feel like we owe anyone

who is nice to us, it's very hard to end such a relationship.  Maybe see it as

taking a break?  Your therapist is probably just letting you know that she

won't abandon you.  But if she's trying to help you get better than she'll want

you to see the best person for you.  Like your general doctor would refer you

to a specialist if you need one. 

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sun, March 7, 2010 11:49:04 AM

Subject: Re: I know I'm probably driving y'all nuts with

this

 

Thanks Jackie. I never realized changing therapists would be so emotional

for me. I am pretty attached to my therapist, but that cannot color the fact

that I've not made a lot of improvements with her and I'm paying her,out

of pocket, $1500-2000 every 4 weeks. OMG. Just typing that makes me want to

throw up. Especially since I know I should be further ahead. It's not her

fault. It's just that she is not a trauma specialist and I really feel like

I need someone who specializes in DID. Just 2 sessions with this other

therapist were amazing to me. She is sooooo knowledgeable and with my

therapist, it has been like we're kinda teaching each other. I'm so over telling

my

story. I need someone who can help me with being DID.

My sessions with the other therapist have already given me suggestions and

homework and yes, since I haven't seen my therapist in almost 3 weeks, I

have been less depressed. Partially because the other therapist has 20 years

experience in DID and is half the cost of my present therapist.

Friday I talked to my therapist and I ended up getting all upset and

having a meltdown. So. I don't know. I think the bottom line is that while I am

attached to my therapist, she is not able to help me at the level I need. I

think she's probably an awesome therapist for someone with marriage issues

or maybe eating disorders. My issues are so complex and I am tired of

seeking help. I want to get well now. My mind and body are pretty exhausted from

sharing hours of my day with so many other people in my head.

But my therapist says things like, " , I'm not going to leave you. I

am here to the end of this and we'll be together a long time. " I just

cringe when she says that. It hurts me to think I might disappoint her. She has

cared for me for over a year and...cared deeply. I know she cares about me

and I care about her. In some other circumstance, I think we would have

been great friends....but. ...it's not working for me theraputically. I'm

getting worse instead of better. And it's hard because I feel like she has tried

so much and I am repaying her by quitting on her. I know I technically

don't " owe " her anything, but still...she' s human and it's hard not to get

emotionally attached to someone you've shared so much with. I know a good bit

about her life too and thinking about not seeing her makes me burst into

hysterical tears.

I'm also a walking contradiction in the even you haven't noticed.

Then again, maybe this is all my own transference issues (I hope) and

she'll be happy for me and wish me well if I do decide to see someone else. I'm

still in the thinking phase of it all.

In a message dated 3/7/2010 12:38:01 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,

sleddoghughes (DOT) net writes:

no, , I am NOT tired of hearing about this..in fact, I was wondering

how it was coming along, although I noticed you have been posting more

recently, and you do sound better to me, less depressed ( of course I am

NOT a therapist) I think you should do whay YOU want to do..a trauma

therapist might be just what you need :-)

Jackie

My therapist called me on Friday and didn't feel I was doing as well as I

was on Monday. She called the trauma hospital back and they said the hold

up

was now my insurance and they're waiting on some sort of pre-certification

or something. I should know something more definite on Monday. Then again,

with the way it has been going, I might not!

I'm sure y'all are tired of hearing me go on and on about this, but NOW I

DON'T WANT TO GO. I know, slap me.

It has been almost 3 weeks and I'm just....over it. My dad said he'd drive

me but it was a very reluctant, " well, I have to work and realllly need the

money, but I did say I'd take you. " Very pathetic and ....just ugh.

And my husband is not real happy about it now either. Kinda sealing the

deal of me not being supported.

I also made an appointment with an actual trauma therapist last week. I

went to her twice and I LOVED HER. I may be switching therapists just

because

mine is not a trauma therapist I personally feel like I'm having entirely

too many bad moments lately -- since summer I've gone up and down a lot and

I'm thinking maybe I just need someone who specializes in DID.

So....In my heart, I know I should probably go to New Orleans, but....it's

so freaking far and 3 weeks ago I was all for it and now, I'm just not so

sure. The new potential therapist said it was between my current therapist

and me but she'd be here when I got back if I chose to go and then still

wanted to see her when I got back. She wants me to tell my therapist I'm

seeing her and I haven't done that yet. Kinda waiting till she gets back

from

medical leave.

I quit school for now.

I'm not going back till fall. It was too much for me to handle right now.

I suck all the way around about now and can't make a decision on what's

best for me. My therapist said I need to trust her and go inpatient for

this

trauma program.

[Guest guest]

- Your current (on leave) therapist doesn't have ALL the information she

needs. You haven't told her you're seeing a new (and qualified) therapist. She

might be absolutely delighted that you're doing well with the new therapist, and

she might make a different recommendation about the in-patient trip.

Your therapists are professionals who are being paid BY YOU. You are not their

employee or child. You do not owe them the level of loyalty you're feeling.

When you started going to the current therapist, wasn't there an understand that

your therapy would stop someday? And doesn't she have other patients? So when

your course of therapy ends, she will simply take on a new patient, or rearrange

her appointment schedule.

You two don't have a " friend " relationship. If your therapist got an offer to

teach at a university, or wanted to write a book, don't you think she'd help you

find another therapist and then stop the appointments she has with you?

It's not that she doesn't care about you, but you aren't her only concern,

right? And if the best thing for you is to see this new specialist, then your

current therapist's ethical obligation is to wish you well as you find something

that works better.

By all means, let your therapist know about the new person you're seeing, and

tell her you're feeling like the need to go in-patient has passed. She may have

new insight once she has all the facts.

By the way - at some point, did you mention that you're near Atlanta? If you

can't get your dad to drive you, or you dread the trip with him - take Amtrak.

It's a very pleasant overnight trip.

Best of luck, no matter what you decide.

>

> My therapist called me on Friday and didn't feel I was doing as well as I

> was on Monday. She called the trauma hospital back and they said the hold up

> was now my insurance and they're waiting on some sort of pre-certification

> or something. I should know something more definite on Monday. Then again,

> with the way it has been going, I might not!

>

> I'm sure y'all are tired of hearing me go on and on about this, but NOW I

> DON'T WANT TO GO. I know, slap me.

>

> It has been almost 3 weeks and I'm just....over it. My dad said he'd drive

> me but it was a very reluctant, " well, I have to work and realllly need the

> money, but I did say I'd take you. " Very pathetic and ....just ugh.

>

> And my husband is not real happy about it now either. Kinda sealing the

> deal of me not being supported.

>

> I also made an appointment with an actual trauma therapist last week. I

> went to her twice and I LOVED HER. I may be switching therapists just because

> mine is not a trauma therapist I personally feel like I'm having entirely

> too many bad moments lately -- since summer I've gone up and down a lot and

> I'm thinking maybe I just need someone who specializes in DID.

>

> So....In my heart, I know I should probably go to New Orleans, but....it's

> so freaking far and 3 weeks ago I was all for it and now, I'm just not so

> sure. The new potential therapist said it was between my current therapist

> and me but she'd be here when I got back if I chose to go and then still

> wanted to see her when I got back. She wants me to tell my therapist I'm

> seeing her and I haven't done that yet. Kinda waiting till she gets back from

> medical leave.

>

> I quit school for now.

> I'm not going back till fall. It was too much for me to handle right now.

> I suck all the way around about now and can't make a decision on what's

> best for me. My therapist said I need to trust her and go inpatient for this

> trauma program.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

, I'm so glad you found a new therapist that seems like she can help you -

yay! Definitely she is right that you should tell you old therapist and I would

suggest having an appointment with the new therapist as soon as you can

afterward to help you process. I have had therapy relationships like what you

describe and they can be very difficult to untangle from because the therapist

themselves is acting unprofessionally. Forgive me for saying so but this is my

impression from your posts about her. I'm not saying that her caring for you

isn't real, but it just seems there are squishy professional boundaries here

that aren't so healthy for you. And hey you are ready to enter a new phase and

type of therapy work now any way.

good luck,

julie

>

> Thanks Jackie. I never realized changing therapists would be so emotional

> for me. I am pretty attached to my therapist, but that cannot color the fact

> that I've not made a lot of improvements with her and I'm paying her,out

> of pocket, $1500-2000 every 4 weeks. OMG. Just typing that makes me want to

> throw up. Especially since I know I should be further ahead. It's not her

> fault. It's just that she is not a trauma specialist and I really feel like

> I need someone who specializes in DID. Just 2 sessions with this other

> therapist were amazing to me. She is sooooo knowledgeable and with my

> therapist, it has been like we're kinda teaching each other. I'm so over

telling my

> story. I need someone who can help me with being DID.

>

> My sessions with the other therapist have already given me suggestions and

> homework and yes, since I haven't seen my therapist in almost 3 weeks, I

> have been less depressed. Partially because the other therapist has 20 years

> experience in DID and is half the cost of my present therapist.

>

> Friday I talked to my therapist and I ended up getting all upset and

> having a meltdown. So. I don't know. I think the bottom line is that while I

am

> attached to my therapist, she is not able to help me at the level I need. I

> think she's probably an awesome therapist for someone with marriage issues

> or maybe eating disorders. My issues are so complex and I am tired of

> seeking help. I want to get well now. My mind and body are pretty exhausted

from

> sharing hours of my day with so many other people in my head.

>

> But my therapist says things like, " , I'm not going to leave you. I

> am here to the end of this and we'll be together a long time. " I just

> cringe when she says that. It hurts me to think I might disappoint her. She

has

> cared for me for over a year and...cared deeply. I know she cares about me

> and I care about her. In some other circumstance, I think we would have

> been great friends....but....it's not working for me theraputically. I'm

> getting worse instead of better. And it's hard because I feel like she has

tried

> so much and I am repaying her by quitting on her. I know I technically

> don't " owe " her anything, but still...she's human and it's hard not to get

> emotionally attached to someone you've shared so much with. I know a good bit

> about her life too and thinking about not seeing her makes me burst into

> hysterical tears.

>

> I'm also a walking contradiction in the even you haven't noticed.

>

> Then again, maybe this is all my own transference issues (I hope) and

> she'll be happy for me and wish me well if I do decide to see someone else.

I'm

> still in the thinking phase of it all.

>

>

>

>

> In a message dated 3/7/2010 12:38:01 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,

> sleddog@... writes:

>

>

>

>

> no, , I am NOT tired of hearing about this..in fact, I was wondering

> how it was coming along, although I noticed you have been posting more

> recently, and you do sound better to me, less depressed ( of course I am

> NOT a therapist) I think you should do whay YOU want to do..a trauma

> therapist might be just what you need :-)

>

> Jackie

>

> My therapist called me on Friday and didn't feel I was doing as well as I

> was on Monday. She called the trauma hospital back and they said the hold

> up

> was now my insurance and they're waiting on some sort of pre-certification

> or something. I should know something more definite on Monday. Then again,

> with the way it has been going, I might not!

>

> I'm sure y'all are tired of hearing me go on and on about this, but NOW I

> DON'T WANT TO GO. I know, slap me.

>

> It has been almost 3 weeks and I'm just....over it. My dad said he'd drive

> me but it was a very reluctant, " well, I have to work and realllly need the

> money, but I did say I'd take you. " Very pathetic and ....just ugh.

>

> And my husband is not real happy about it now either. Kinda sealing the

> deal of me not being supported.

>

> I also made an appointment with an actual trauma therapist last week. I

> went to her twice and I LOVED HER. I may be switching therapists just

> because

> mine is not a trauma therapist I personally feel like I'm having entirely

> too many bad moments lately -- since summer I've gone up and down a lot and

> I'm thinking maybe I just need someone who specializes in DID.

>

> So....In my heart, I know I should probably go to New Orleans, but....it's

> so freaking far and 3 weeks ago I was all for it and now, I'm just not so

> sure. The new potential therapist said it was between my current therapist

> and me but she'd be here when I got back if I chose to go and then still

> wanted to see her when I got back. She wants me to tell my therapist I'm

> seeing her and I haven't done that yet. Kinda waiting till she gets back

> from

> medical leave.

>

> I quit school for now.

> I'm not going back till fall. It was too much for me to handle right now.

> I suck all the way around about now and can't make a decision on what's

> best for me. My therapist said I need to trust her and go inpatient for

> this

> trauma program.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,for what it's worth,my own experience with my current therapist who

specializes in C-PTSD and the dissociative spectrum has been truly amazing

compared to the other therapist I saw for a year and a half.I have made more

progress in a couple of months with this therapist than I made in an entire year

and a half with the other one.She just really knows this stuff.I felt after the

first couple of sessions with her that I was in very good hands and that initial

impression has proven correct.

I did like the other therapist as a person and that is what happened: I

felt more like we were friends than therapist/client.And after more than a year

with her I felt worse because I had hit an impasse--and I'd gone into therapy in

the first place to work on myself,so feeling like THAT wasn't happening the way

I needed it to made me feel almost worse than I had before I'd gone into

therapy...

The relationship I have with the current therapist is strictly

professional and feels much safer to me and frees my focus.

I don't know what your personal therapy goals are specifically but I

started therapy co-conscious with most of my parts and we worked on achieving

co-consciousness with the ones I didn't want to know because I'd created them at

the absolute nadir times of my abuse when they were the ONLY solution I had.I

thought one of them was really nasty but my therapist was so confident I could

handle speaking with him,I trusted her experience and did so.And just like she

said,he was just a little boy with a little boy's voice and perspective,not so

terrifying after all.Becoming co-conscious with him was when I really started to

turn the corner.

I didn't think I wanted to go for total integration of all my parts into

just me and my therapist didn't insist on that at all but she is so good at what

she does (her confidence in her own knowledge is a huge factor in this) that

integration began to occur spontaneously.So we went with it for its own sake but

not as a goal we were forcing me towards and I was free to halt it at any time

if I decided to.

I lost time as each part integrated,like one night I went food shopping

at seven and switched and came back when someone I know said hi to me--the clock

on the wall read eleven...oops..I was freaked out but my therapist said it was

part of my own process because my mind seemed to be putting in a last ditch

effort to fall back on a very old safe habit.And I could trust that as I

continued to work on it that it would cease,but probably not until every part

got integrated so there was nobody there but me,therefore no reserve part to

switch to.

It felt really weird and quiet at first to just be alone with me and I

felt sort of blah.But over the past few weeks that has totally changed into

feeling alive and in control for the first time this way in my life.Like I can

feel my own blood coursing through my own veins--it is such a rush to be in the

driver's seat like this.I still have work to do but going forward with the

integration has turned out to be so worth it,more than I ever dreamed it could

be.

I couldn't have done it without a therapist who really knew what she was

doing.

One thing I was wondering reading your post: You've told us how you feel

about possibly no longer seeing your current therapist at all,but have you told

her the same things you've told us?

Best of luck,you have my support whatever you decide,just do what's best

for KATIE...

>

> My therapist called me on Friday and didn't feel I was doing as well as I

> was on Monday. She called the trauma hospital back and they said the hold up

> was now my insurance and they're waiting on some sort of pre-certification

> or something. I should know something more definite on Monday. Then again,

> with the way it has been going, I might not!

>

> I'm sure y'all are tired of hearing me go on and on about this, but NOW I

> DON'T WANT TO GO. I know, slap me.

>

> It has been almost 3 weeks and I'm just....over it. My dad said he'd drive

> me but it was a very reluctant, " well, I have to work and realllly need the

> money, but I did say I'd take you. " Very pathetic and ....just ugh.

>

> And my husband is not real happy about it now either. Kinda sealing the

> deal of me not being supported.

>

> I also made an appointment with an actual trauma therapist last week. I

> went to her twice and I LOVED HER. I may be switching therapists just because

> mine is not a trauma therapist I personally feel like I'm having entirely

> too many bad moments lately -- since summer I've gone up and down a lot and

> I'm thinking maybe I just need someone who specializes in DID.

>

> So....In my heart, I know I should probably go to New Orleans, but....it's

> so freaking far and 3 weeks ago I was all for it and now, I'm just not so

> sure. The new potential therapist said it was between my current therapist

> and me but she'd be here when I got back if I chose to go and then still

> wanted to see her when I got back. She wants me to tell my therapist I'm

> seeing her and I haven't done that yet. Kinda waiting till she gets back from

> medical leave.

>

> I quit school for now.

> I'm not going back till fall. It was too much for me to handle right now.

> I suck all the way around about now and can't make a decision on what's

> best for me. My therapist said I need to trust her and go inpatient for this

> trauma program.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

That is awesome, . I am so happy for you! You have underlined how

crucial it is to have a really good, really knowledgeable therapist. What

progress you have made; it is very inspiring.

-Annie

> >

> > My therapist called me on Friday and didn't feel I was doing as well as I

> > was on Monday. She called the trauma hospital back and they said the hold up

> > was now my insurance and they're waiting on some sort of pre-certification

> > or something. I should know something more definite on Monday. Then again,

> > with the way it has been going, I might not!

> >

> > I'm sure y'all are tired of hearing me go on and on about this, but NOW I

> > DON'T WANT TO GO. I know, slap me.

> >

> > It has been almost 3 weeks and I'm just....over it. My dad said he'd drive

> > me but it was a very reluctant, " well, I have to work and realllly need the

> > money, but I did say I'd take you. " Very pathetic and ....just ugh.

> >

> > And my husband is not real happy about it now either. Kinda sealing the

> > deal of me not being supported.

> >

> > I also made an appointment with an actual trauma therapist last week. I

> > went to her twice and I LOVED HER. I may be switching therapists just

because

> > mine is not a trauma therapist I personally feel like I'm having entirely

> > too many bad moments lately -- since summer I've gone up and down a lot and

> > I'm thinking maybe I just need someone who specializes in DID.

> >

> > So....In my heart, I know I should probably go to New Orleans, but....it's

> > so freaking far and 3 weeks ago I was all for it and now, I'm just not so

> > sure. The new potential therapist said it was between my current therapist

> > and me but she'd be here when I got back if I chose to go and then still

> > wanted to see her when I got back. She wants me to tell my therapist I'm

> > seeing her and I haven't done that yet. Kinda waiting till she gets back

from

> > medical leave.

> >

> > I quit school for now.

> > I'm not going back till fall. It was too much for me to handle right now.

> > I suck all the way around about now and can't make a decision on what's

> > best for me. My therapist said I need to trust her and go inpatient for this

> > trauma program.

> >

> >

> >

> >