You better not cry, you better not pout, Nada is coming to town.

[Guest guest]

So I got onto this listserv because my Dad apologized to me for " letting me grow

up in a warzone " 6 months ago. A few weeks ago I mailed him SWOE and he went

" aha! " and now things are moving pretty fast. As things with my Nada move toward

divorce, and as my Dad and I keep having these really deep conversations (I

think the man is deeply genuinely broken about what he's realizing about how he

failed his kids) and finding healing in my relationship with him, I've just been

hitting triggers galore. I really thought I was farther along than I was. I

started blogging becasue I was terrified of the likely upcoming confrontation

with nada about how I'm not going to let her be alone with my son (which she

doesn't know yet). I wrote all this stuff about boundaries and how I set them,

and how staying in relationship with her and striving with the boundaries helps

me. Which is true.

But somehow I feel I've fallen way back. I think my Dad has been eroding my

boundaries without me realizing it, because the one thing I've mentioned to him

that he obviously doesn't get yet is that I was in parent role with him as well

as nada. He grew up with an NP mom, he had no boundaries at all with my nada

and very squishy ones with me. He really doesn't get it how the way he's using

me as a confidante about his divorce, and a leader/guide for how to navigate the

huge upswing in her abuse to him as he starts to break free and find an

identity. I've gotten over my anger at that, becuase he turned his back on me

when I was trying to leave and let nada convince him that the physical abuse I

was starting to remember didn't happen or wasn't a big deal. I really am like

whatever about that. But I feel pulled back in and now Nada's coming in a few

weeks and I'm in no way ready for it. I know my defenses are way down, becuase

my attempts to reframe

boundaries with my Dad have failed. He's willing, but now I can't seem to stop

myself from checking in with him a few times a week and encouraging his

confidances. Even though it's killing me.

Nada's visit itself is a boundary failure. We had planned not to let her come

until the summer, but she trapped me during a conversation in which she was

sharing how much she was helping people at her church and I briefly felt really

proud of her and thought gosh maybe she's getting somewhere, and she got me to

say it would be okay for her to visit soon. This was right before the

pre-divorce storm hit, and the accounts of her behavior make it clear nada is

definitely still nada. She's going to divorce my Dad if he doesn't change,

because of HIS abuse of HER (what a laugh! The man is a doormat, not an

abuser.) and of course, as usual, she found a way to stay 1 day longer than she

was asked to stay. (she got asked to leave a week early last time after she

invited herself for 2 weeks when we said 1).

But I guess subconsciously I came to this listserv because I'm struggling with

something I haven't faced yet. I look at my email about how staying in

relationship with her helps me and I say, yes, that's a bit true, but also

" methinks the lady doth protest too much. " See all of the sudden I'm really

asking myself, " Do I even want a relationship with her? " That string about

sociopathic borderlines really got me facing my own thoughts. There was a

comment from one poster about how her nada uses the witch on her, and how she

thinks that the witch might be the real nada. I know what the books say and

everything, but I'm asking myself the same thing. See, my nada really doesn't

like me, and I cannot find in myself any sense that she loves me. One of the

things my DBT therapist taught me to tap into was my " wise mind " , the part of me

that just knows things. I'm actually pretty good at that, I just had been

invalidated about it. My wise mind has no

sense that my mom loves me. In fact, I know in my heart of hearts that she

hates me.

I'm not paranoid, I'm really not. My nada is out to get me, all the time.

Well, that's not true. If she is paying attention to me, she's out to get me. I

think maybe only the poeple on t his list can get that. I don't think other

people are out to get me, in fact i feel in general people really like me. I

don't have enemies, though I can think of one person at work I am wary of.

Listen to me, trying so hard to prove to you all that I'm not crazy, always

trying to prove that I'm not making up the abuse. I sound like that little

girl. One of the things I hate most about my nada is when she's on good

behavior. Over the past feww weeks I suddenly find myself incapable of living

with the double vision I had trained myself to: the taking the good things at

face value and trying to enjoy them and trying to ignore the little hidden

attacks and accusations and digs embedded in every interaction.

My son has recentered my world. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore. I

thought it was my duty as a loving person and a christian to " honor my mother "

(boy did she teach that passage a lot) and maintain my relationship. To find a

way to show love to her, no matter what her behavior. Yes, boundaries for sure,

don't misunderstand me here. But now, I don't know if I want a relationship with

her at all. I'm so burnt out. I don't want to spend a weekend with her

accusations, and her good act. When she's nice it is one big

manipulation--she's holding up a sign that says " you are a bad person, see how

nice I am " .

I was at the park with my son today, enjoying him looking at the big kids

playing. I was enjoying his childhood,and enjoying thnking of him playing like

that some day. ANd I thought " this sucks that my mom is there like a spidery

presence stealing my joy. " I don't want her at his birthday party. I don't

want her making a horrible scene or just privately spearing me at one more

important milestone for me, or for him. She reuined everyone elses birthdays,

graduations, weddings because she can't stand when it's not all about her.

But I don't want to. I want to be rid of her. I don't want to be rid of her.

I think she's horrid and feel that no one who is not related to her and

therefore under obligation should have anything to do with her. But I can't

apply that to myself. I still have to be manipulated and hurt becuase I'm her

daughter. I don't want NC because it feels like death. It feels like death

because she really might go without speaking to me until she dies (her mother

did). I can't sort it out. I also try to do what's right--I think it was a

defense mechanism I found as a kid. It kept me sane. It made me in some ways

worse becuase my belief that I must obey my parent made me submit myself to my

mom far more than I otherwise would have, but it also got me out much earlier

than my sibs because as soon as I realized what was going on was not right, I

went after what I thought was. Now, I don't know what's right, I feel so torn

up.

I'm looking for a therapist. I hope I find one who's good. My last one was

really not good, and invalidating, and this time I'm making sure they work with

BPs. But I'm nervous, a bad therapist can really set you back.