Guest guest Posted June 22, 2005 Report Share Posted June 22, 2005 Hi everyone, I'm new - and have been reading postings for about a month. I haven't heard anyone else mention that their bpd child (in this case) daughter and was adopted. Our G was adopted from Brasil at 11 - she had been a street kid and in various orphanages and later we found out 6 disrupted adoptions. She's now 22 and lives 3000 miles away from us (for her protection from a bad guy that tried to turn her into a prostitute- she was beaten and nearly killed and testified against him - 4 1/2 years ago). She has leaned heavily on me (the rest of the family have had enough of her) since then in particular. I am financially unable to help her anymore. I kept thinking that if we get her set up in an apartment (paid first and last months rent 4x), phone, internet (boyfriend destroyed monitor) food, etc. then she would be able to keep it up. I think she just didn't work (she's a stripper) when she was sure I would help her. So now I have to let her do it herself or not do it herself. So I don't know how long or if she can keep the apartment. She always says she'll live on the streets again, she did before and she will again. God put her in the world to punish her. I just got the book - how to survive with a borderline child - I forget the actual title. On Monday, she phoned and wanted to go over how we failed her again and why did we bring her from Brasil just to abandon her - etc. etc. I'm feeling utterly exhausted and defeated, although I have managed for 11 years. I suffer from depression (from early in my life) but have been able to keep positive for a long time on the meds I'm currently on, so she didn't cause it. Where do I go from here? I have suggested DBT therapy, but she says she won't unless I take her by the hand and go with her. I think she wants me to move there, but I have a husband and 11 other kids to care for. (We adopted 10 kids from Korea (2), Brasil (3) and USA (5). All the kids were at least 6 and the oldest was 12. We have always championed the older - more likely to be forgotten - kids. Any comments? Sue Alberta Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 23, 2005 Report Share Posted June 23, 2005 Sue, I don't post often but I also have an adopted bpd daughter, adopted at the age of 2 1/2 months. She is now 19 and she is mean and disrespectful. I know it is just a matter of time before she will have to move out of our home and then she will no doubt claim we have abandoned her. This breaks my heart but I am trying to prepare myself for that time. I admire you for adopting so many children and trying to give them a good life. Some times it just doesn't work out. You must be there and help your other children and know that you did the best you could for your bpd daughter. I " m new Hi everyone, I'm new - and have been reading postings for about a month. I haven't heard anyone else mention that their bpd child (in this case) daughter and was adopted. Our G was adopted from Brasil at 11 - she had been a street kid and in various orphanages and later we found out 6 disrupted adoptions. She's now 22 and lives 3000 miles away from us (for her protection from a bad guy that tried to turn her into a prostitute- she was beaten and nearly killed and testified against him - 4 1/2 years ago). She has leaned heavily on me (the rest of the family have had enough of her) since then in particular. I am financially unable to help her anymore. I kept thinking that if we get her set up in an apartment (paid first and last months rent 4x), phone, internet (boyfriend destroyed monitor) food, etc. then she would be able to keep it up. I think she just didn't work (she's a stripper) when she was sure I would help her. So now I have to let her do it herself or not do it herself. So I don't know how long or if she can keep the apartment. She always says she'll live on the streets again, she did before and she will again. God put her in the world to punish her. I just got the book - how to survive with a borderline child - I forget the actual title. On Monday, she phoned and wanted to go over how we failed her again and why did we bring her from Brasil just to abandon her - etc. etc. I'm feeling utterly exhausted and defeated, although I have managed for 11 years. I suffer from depression (from early in my life) but have been able to keep positive for a long time on the meds I'm currently on, so she didn't cause it. Where do I go from here? I have suggested DBT therapy, but she says she won't unless I take her by the hand and go with her. I think she wants me to move there, but I have a husband and 11 other kids to care for. (We adopted 10 kids from Korea (2), Brasil (3) and USA (5). All the kids were at least 6 and the oldest was 12. We have always championed the older - more likely to be forgotten - kids. Any comments? Sue Alberta Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 23, 2005 Report Share Posted June 23, 2005 Hi gabfwb, Thank you for your kind words. I have a friend who has an adopted daughter - adopted also from Brasil at age 3 1/2 years and we both see that she looks like a potential bpd candidate. She is 13. It is most interesting that you adopted your daughter at 2 1/2 months. I guess the genetic potential was already there. It must be incredibly hard to have had your daughter and seen her grow from 2 1/2 months onwards and know that this is the point you may come to. My sympathies to you - so hard. We certainly need the support of a group like this. I was on another group that talked about bpd'd husbands/wives, but not exclusively kids like this list. It's discouraging to me that many families have bpd kids with high school diplomas and college degrees. That would be such a success for our family and our daughter G. Sue Alberta I " m new Hi everyone, I'm new - and have been reading postings for about a month. I haven't heard anyone else mention that their bpd child (in this case) daughter and was adopted. Our G was adopted from Brasil at 11 - she had been a street kid and in various orphanages and later we found out 6 disrupted adoptions. She's now 22 and lives 3000 miles away from us (for her protection from a bad guy that tried to turn her into a prostitute- she was beaten and nearly killed and testified against him - 4 1/2 years ago). She has leaned heavily on me (the rest of the family have had enough of her) since then in particular. I am financially unable to help her anymore. I kept thinking that if we get her set up in an apartment (paid first and last months rent 4x), phone, internet (boyfriend destroyed monitor) food, etc. then she would be able to keep it up. I think she just didn't work (she's a stripper) when she was sure I would help her. So now I have to let her do it herself or not do it herself. So I don't know how long or if she can keep the apartment. She always says she'll live on the streets again, she did before and she will again. God put her in the world to punish her. I just got the book - how to survive with a borderline child - I forget the actual title. On Monday, she phoned and wanted to go over how we failed her again and why did we bring her from Brasil just to abandon her - etc. etc. I'm feeling utterly exhausted and defeated, although I have managed for 11 years. I suffer from depression (from early in my life) but have been able to keep positive for a long time on the meds I'm currently on, so she didn't cause it. Where do I go from here? I have suggested DBT therapy, but she says she won't unless I take her by the hand and go with her. I think she wants me to move there, but I have a husband and 11 other kids to care for. (We adopted 10 kids from Korea (2), Brasil (3) and USA (5). All the kids were at least 6 and the oldest was 12. We have always championed the older - more likely to be forgotten - kids. Any comments? Sue Alberta Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 24, 2005 Report Share Posted June 24, 2005 Sue, I believe my daughter has something called the adopted child syndrome--unability to bond. I researched this on the web and the characteristics certainly fit my daughter. She was always a different kind of child, but when she hit thirteen, she became more and more difficult to handle, hanging around low life and bad attitude. She has told me that she is who she is and I cannot change her. In her case, the adoption issue has really affected her--identity wise. She doesn't feel like she fits into our family which is so ironic because I have a biological son and the adopted daughter and I've always felt the same maternally about both. I think genetics is very powerful and can sometimes outweigh the environmental factor. What do you think? I " m new Hi everyone, I'm new - and have been reading postings for about a month. I haven't heard anyone else mention that their bpd child (in this case) daughter and was adopted. Our G was adopted from Brasil at 11 - she had been a street kid and in various orphanages and later we found out 6 disrupted adoptions. She's now 22 and lives 3000 miles away from us (for her protection from a bad guy that tried to turn her into a prostitute- she was beaten and nearly killed and testified against him - 4 1/2 years ago). She has leaned heavily on me (the rest of the family have had enough of her) since then in particular. I am financially unable to help her anymore. I kept thinking that if we get her set up in an apartment (paid first and last months rent 4x), phone, internet (boyfriend destroyed monitor) food, etc. then she would be able to keep it up. I think she just didn't work (she's a stripper) when she was sure I would help her. So now I have to let her do it herself or not do it herself. So I don't know how long or if she can keep the apartment. She always says she'll live on the streets again, she did before and she will again. God put her in the world to punish her. I just got the book - how to survive with a borderline child - I forget the actual title. On Monday, she phoned and wanted to go over how we failed her again and why did we bring her from Brasil just to abandon her - etc. etc. I'm feeling utterly exhausted and defeated, although I have managed for 11 years. I suffer from depression (from early in my life) but have been able to keep positive for a long time on the meds I'm currently on, so she didn't cause it. Where do I go from here? I have suggested DBT therapy, but she says she won't unless I take her by the hand and go with her. I think she wants me to move there, but I have a husband and 11 other kids to care for. (We adopted 10 kids from Korea (2), Brasil (3) and USA (5). All the kids were at least 6 and the oldest was 12. We have always championed the older - more likely to be forgotten - kids. Any comments? Sue Alberta Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 24, 2005 Report Share Posted June 24, 2005 Hello, Sue. Welcome to the group. I'm also new here and have already found support and comfort. I'm sure you will find that support as well. My thoughts are with you. --Gayle At 04:15 PM 6/22/2005, you wrote: >I just got the book - how to survive with a borderline child - I forget >the actual title. On Monday, she phoned and wanted to go over how we >failed her again and why did we bring her from Brasil just to abandon her >- etc. etc. > >I'm feeling utterly exhausted and defeated, although I have managed for 11 >years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 27, 2005 Report Share Posted June 27, 2005 Identity is a huge issue for most adoptees. This is very strong in adolescence when identity is an issue anyway. My bp dtr " hates " her biological mother for giving her up or for not having used birth control or whatever. Never mind that she herself often acts irresponsibly -- that she does not see the damage it does, even though she does not approve of those who act irresponsibly,. and can't forgive. I am hoping one day she can forgive her. I think she is very adrift. Every time she makes a new friend, she adapts herself to that person, wears their clothes, takes on some of their hobbies and interests. But in a very superficial way, and then it fades. I guess she just doesn't accept who she is, or does not like it at all. her low selfesteem, which seems to dictate everything she does, is, I think , a product of brain chemistry...I certainly did everything I could to boost her self esteem when she was little although I never said she did well when she didn't (I always called her on lying, etc.). But having said all, that where does it leave us? Sophie gabfwb wrote: Sue, I believe my daughter has something called the adopted child syndrome--unability to bond. I researched this on the web and the characteristics certainly fit my daughter. She was always a different kind of child, but when she hit thirteen, she became more and more difficult to handle, hanging around low life and bad attitude. She has told me that she is who she is and I cannot change her. In her case, the adoption issue has really affected her--identity wise. She doesn't feel like she fits into our family which is so ironic because I have a biological son and the adopted daughter and I've always felt the same maternally about both. I think genetics is very powerful and can sometimes outweigh the environmental factor. What do you think? I " m new Hi everyone, I'm new - and have been reading postings for about a month. I haven't heard anyone else mention that their bpd child (in this case) daughter and was adopted. Our G was adopted from Brasil at 11 - she had been a street kid and in various orphanages and later we found out 6 disrupted adoptions. She's now 22 and lives 3000 miles away from us (for her protection from a bad guy that tried to turn her into a prostitute- she was beaten and nearly killed and testified against him - 4 1/2 years ago). She has leaned heavily on me (the rest of the family have had enough of her) since then in particular. I am financially unable to help her anymore. I kept thinking that if we get her set up in an apartment (paid first and last months rent 4x), phone, internet (boyfriend destroyed monitor) food, etc. then she would be able to keep it up. I think she just didn't work (she's a stripper) when she was sure I would help her. So now I have to let her do it herself or not do it herself. So I don't know how long or if she can keep the apartment. She always says she'll live on the streets again, she did before and she will again. God put her in the world to punish her. I just got the book - how to survive with a borderline child - I forget the actual title. On Monday, she phoned and wanted to go over how we failed her again and why did we bring her from Brasil just to abandon her - etc. etc. I'm feeling utterly exhausted and defeated, although I have managed for 11 years. I suffer from depression (from early in my life) but have been able to keep positive for a long time on the meds I'm currently on, so she didn't cause it. Where do I go from here? I have suggested DBT therapy, but she says she won't unless I take her by the hand and go with her. I think she wants me to move there, but I have a husband and 11 other kids to care for. (We adopted 10 kids from Korea (2), Brasil (3) and USA (5). All the kids were at least 6 and the oldest was 12. We have always championed the older - more likely to be forgotten - kids. Any comments? Sue Alberta Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 27, 2005 Report Share Posted June 27, 2005 Sue, You must be incredibly strong.... Do you still believe what you believed about her when she was 11? Or are you sorry it happened, too? I hate to be so blunt, because I know I love my daughter who is adopted and has bp, but still I do feel a little bitter about the way life turned out. SOphie Sue Heathcote wrote: Hi everyone, I'm new - and have been reading postings for about a month. I haven't heard anyone else mention that their bpd child (in this case) daughter and was adopted. Our G was adopted from Brasil at 11 - she had been a street kid and in various orphanages and later we found out 6 disrupted adoptions. She's now 22 and lives 3000 miles away from us (for her protection from a bad guy that tried to turn her into a prostitute- she was beaten and nearly killed and testified against him - 4 1/2 years ago). She has leaned heavily on me (the rest of the family have had enough of her) since then in particular. I am financially unable to help her anymore. I kept thinking that if we get her set up in an apartment (paid first and last months rent 4x), phone, internet (boyfriend destroyed monitor) food, etc. then she would be able to keep it up. I think she just didn't work (she's a stripper) when she was sure I would help her. So now I have to let her do it herself or not do it herself. So I don't know how long or if she can keep the apartment. She always says she'll live on the streets again, she did before and she will again. God put her in the world to punish her. I just got the book - how to survive with a borderline child - I forget the actual title. On Monday, she phoned and wanted to go over how we failed her again and why did we bring her from Brasil just to abandon her - etc. etc. I'm feeling utterly exhausted and defeated, although I have managed for 11 years. I suffer from depression (from early in my life) but have been able to keep positive for a long time on the meds I'm currently on, so she didn't cause it. Where do I go from here? I have suggested DBT therapy, but she says she won't unless I take her by the hand and go with her. I think she wants me to move there, but I have a husband and 11 other kids to care for. (We adopted 10 kids from Korea (2), Brasil (3) and USA (5). All the kids were at least 6 and the oldest was 12. We have always championed the older - more likely to be forgotten - kids. Any comments? Sue Alberta Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 27, 2005 Report Share Posted June 27, 2005 Sophie, How old is your daughter and when did she come to you? I know this is weird but I really feel that God wanted me to bring Giselie home with us. We had had to fund raise to get her (had been to Brasil 1 year earlier when we thought we were getting her. She was adopted locally at the last minute and another girl referred zapped Dave in the heart). My hubby saw behaviours in her interactions with our first Brasilian daughter (brought her back to see her country again) that threw red flags, but I was " in love " with G. Because we had fund raised he felt we had to bring her home. I would have insisted on it and fear it would have been a marriage breaker if not. I would not and could not do it all again, but am glad that she is here. I am content, although I would cut her off if her behavior to me is unacceptable again. She will learn I will not put up with it - I have many other children, she has no other mothers. Hope that doesn't sound to horrible. I also would have been very bitter if she were my only child. Even as a child I worried about having a small number of kids and having troubles with them. I am glad I have more than 2 kids for sure - although we did get carried away (LOL). S I " m new Hi everyone, I'm new - and have been reading postings for about a month. I haven't heard anyone else mention that their bpd child (in this case) daughter and was adopted. Our G was adopted from Brasil at 11 - she had been a street kid and in various orphanages and later we found out 6 disrupted adoptions. She's now 22 and lives 3000 miles away from us (for her protection from a bad guy that tried to turn her into a prostitute- she was beaten and nearly killed and testified against him - 4 1/2 years ago). She has leaned heavily on me (the rest of the family have had enough of her) since then in particular. I am financially unable to help her anymore. I kept thinking that if we get her set up in an apartment (paid first and last months rent 4x), phone, internet (boyfriend destroyed monitor) food, etc. then she would be able to keep it up. I think she just didn't work (she's a stripper) when she was sure I would help her. So now I have to let her do it herself or not do it herself. So I don't know how long or if she can keep the apartment. She always says she'll live on the streets again, she did before and she will again. God put her in the world to punish her. I just got the book - how to survive with a borderline child - I forget the actual title. On Monday, she phoned and wanted to go over how we failed her again and why did we bring her from Brasil just to abandon her - etc. etc. I'm feeling utterly exhausted and defeated, although I have managed for 11 years. I suffer from depression (from early in my life) but have been able to keep positive for a long time on the meds I'm currently on, so she didn't cause it. Where do I go from here? I have suggested DBT therapy, but she says she won't unless I take her by the hand and go with her. I think she wants me to move there, but I have a husband and 11 other kids to care for. (We adopted 10 kids from Korea (2), Brasil (3) and USA (5). All the kids were at least 6 and the oldest was 12. We have always championed the older - more likely to be forgotten - kids. Any comments? Sue Alberta Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 29, 2005 Report Share Posted June 29, 2005 Sue, Gen is now almost 20 -- she was three and a half months when she came, very happy child, no indications of problems til she hit puberty when it all started to unravel. She didn't have any problems bonding with me, though she can be very standoffish with other relatives even though they shower her with affection. She seems cold to many people. But she did bond with me and I think I'm still the most important person in her life. A very important characteristic of hers is an inability to follow through with anything. I notice this in some of the kids I teach, who are teens. Teachers tend to blame the parents almost instinctively, but now that I've been through this, I always say, " do we really know the facts? " Sophie --- Sue Heathcote wrote: > Sophie, > > How old is your daughter and when did she come to > you? > > I know this is weird but I really feel that God > wanted me to bring Giselie home with us. We had had > to fund raise to get her (had been to Brasil 1 year > earlier when we thought we were getting her. She > was adopted locally at the last minute and another > girl referred zapped Dave in the heart). My hubby > saw behaviours in her interactions with our first > Brasilian daughter (brought her back to see her > country again) that threw red flags, but I was " in > love " with G. Because we had fund raised he felt we > had to bring her home. I would have insisted on it > and fear it would have been a marriage breaker if > not. > > I would not and could not do it all again, but am > glad that she is here. I am content, although I > would cut her off if her behavior to me is > unacceptable again. She will learn I will not put > up with it - I have many other children, she has no > other mothers. Hope that doesn't sound to horrible. > I also would have been very bitter if she were my > only child. Even as a child I worried about having > a small number of kids and having troubles with > them. I am glad I have more than 2 kids for sure - > although we did get carried away (LOL). > > S > > I " m new > > > Hi everyone, > > I'm new - and have been reading postings for > about a month. I haven't heard anyone else mention > that their bpd child (in this case) daughter and was > adopted. Our G was adopted from Brasil at 11 - she > had been a street kid and in various orphanages and > later we found out 6 disrupted adoptions. > > She's now 22 and lives 3000 miles away from > us (for her protection from a bad guy that tried to > turn her into a prostitute- she was beaten and > nearly killed and testified against him - 4 1/2 > years ago). She has leaned heavily on me (the rest > of the family have had enough of her) since then in > particular. I am financially unable to help her > anymore. I kept thinking that if we get her set up > in an apartment (paid first and last months rent > 4x), phone, internet (boyfriend destroyed monitor) > food, etc. then she would be able to keep it up. I > think she just didn't work (she's a stripper) when > she was sure I would help her. So now I have to let > her do it herself or not do it herself. So I don't > know how long or if she can keep the apartment. She > always says she'll live on the streets again, she > did before and she will again. God put her in the > world to punish her. > > I just got the book - how to survive with a > borderline child - I forget the actual title. On > Monday, she phoned and wanted to go over how we > failed her again and why did we bring her from > Brasil just to abandon her - etc. etc. > > I'm feeling utterly exhausted and defeated, > although I have managed for 11 years. I suffer from > depression (from early in my life) but have been > able to keep positive for a long time on the meds > I'm currently on, so she didn't cause it. Where do > I go from here? I have suggested DBT therapy, but > she says she won't unless I take her by the hand and > go with her. I think she wants me to move there, > but I have a husband and 11 other kids to care for. > (We adopted 10 kids from Korea (2), Brasil (3) and > USA (5). All the kids were at least 6 and the > oldest was 12. We have always championed the older > - more likely to be forgotten - kids. > > Any comments? > > Sue > Alberta > > [Non-text portions of this message have been > removed] > > > > > > People joining this list must read the > guidelines and agree to them before posting. Send > questions or concerns to > WelcomeToOz-owner . === message truncated === __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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