Feeling strangled and giving up....

[Guest guest]

My anxiexties have been so much better- but I was sick and limited my contact

with my parents. I am feeling better, and it is starting up.

I don't have the energy to post everything- but it is not only nada's demand of

time but my father's continual " jokes " when I am with them how I don't have time

for them or I just don't care anymore. Maybe a healthy grown child- could handle

the demands and jabs- but I am not a healthy adult- I am so many times that

wounded child- and those comments make my stomach churn- and yes already said

something to him to stop the comments.

As for the demands- they are tonight were making arrangements for mother's

day...omg on the phone with me. The conversation went something like this is

where we will be eating and you are going- and what about your daughter and will

your husband be going- and my mother kept saying in the background she is

spending the day with- meaning me.Yes. I brought up it was my Mother's Day too-

and I want to do my stuff too- but it is like I get squashed- and really I don't

even know what I would want if I had a mother's day set aside for me.

We also made plans for my father's b-day- and several other things. My anxieties

are over the top right now- and I don't know how to leave them or even limit my

contact less with them- the guilt and shame of not embracing the time they want

to spend with is destroying me. I always feel I am never giving enough...

I know the answer may be clear- but I am so torn- and I feel like what can I do

?- I have tried the boundaries- the talks with them- the fights- the distance-

and I always end up back- because they win, I just run of energy fighting them.

I haven't been in therapy since December- maybe it is time to go back.

I want to develop my own sense of self- but I try and just feel strangled by

their " LOVE " - or whatever you want to call what they do.

Another ranting person, thanks for listening...

Malinda

[Guest guest]

Do you live with these people? Because I'm thinking you are at the point where

a not answering the phone and getting some distance would be a good thing to

do...you sound exhausted, that's not a good place for you to be right now.

Instead of giving up...draw up the bridge and light the moat with some long

burning oil (figuratively of course)....you need some FAMILY time, or ME time,

or something other than NEEDY BE MY BEST DAUGHTER TIME.

Sending you good thoughts.

L

>

> My anxiexties have been so much better- but I was sick and limited my contact

with my parents. I am feeling better, and it is starting up.

>

> I don't have the energy to post everything- but it is not only nada's demand

of time but my father's continual " jokes " when I am with them how I don't have

time for them or I just don't care anymore. Maybe a healthy grown child- could

handle the demands and jabs- but I am not a healthy adult- I am so many times

that wounded child- and those comments make my stomach churn- and yes already

said something to him to stop the comments.

>

> As for the demands- they are tonight were making arrangements for mother's

day...omg on the phone with me. The conversation went something like this is

where we will be eating and you are going- and what about your daughter and will

your husband be going- and my mother kept saying in the background she is

spending the day with- meaning me.Yes. I brought up it was my Mother's Day too-

and I want to do my stuff too- but it is like I get squashed- and really I don't

even know what I would want if I had a mother's day set aside for me.

>

> We also made plans for my father's b-day- and several other things. My

anxieties are over the top right now- and I don't know how to leave them or even

limit my contact less with them- the guilt and shame of not embracing the time

they want to spend with is destroying me. I always feel I am never giving

enough...

>

> I know the answer may be clear- but I am so torn- and I feel like what can I

do ?- I have tried the boundaries- the talks with them- the fights- the

distance- and I always end up back- because they win, I just run of energy

fighting them.

>

> I haven't been in therapy since December- maybe it is time to go back.

> I want to develop my own sense of self- but I try and just feel strangled by

their " LOVE " - or whatever you want to call what they do.

>

> Another ranting person, thanks for listening...

> Malinda

>

[Guest guest]

I know it is a good idea to make advance reservations for Mother's Day brunch,

but jeez, isn't March a little early? If Nada is nailing you to the wall with

plans - which you will not be able to wiggle out of without a blowup - maybe you

could either have a " Plan in a Can " ( " We're going camping in Rattlesnake Valley

that weekend. There's no plumbing and I don't think you'd like it. " ) OR, just

tell her your daughter and husband have told you to reserve Mother's Day weekend

for " something special " but you don't know what it is. Then you have to scramble

and make sure they know they're supposed to back you up. It's too late for

this Mother's Day - she's already got you. But there's always Memorial Day

weekend, July 4 - never too late to start a " Nada-Free Zone " plan for upcoming

holidays.

> >

> > My anxiexties have been so much better- but I was sick and limited my

contact with my parents. I am feeling better, and it is starting up.

> >

> > I don't have the energy to post everything- but it is not only nada's demand

of time but my father's continual " jokes " when I am with them how I don't have

time for them or I just don't care anymore. Maybe a healthy grown child- could

handle the demands and jabs- but I am not a healthy adult- I am so many times

that wounded child- and those comments make my stomach churn- and yes already

said something to him to stop the comments.

> >

> > As for the demands- they are tonight were making arrangements for mother's

day...omg on the phone with me. The conversation went something like this is

where we will be eating and you are going- and what about your daughter and will

your husband be going- and my mother kept saying in the background she is

spending the day with- meaning me.Yes. I brought up it was my Mother's Day too-

and I want to do my stuff too- but it is like I get squashed- and really I don't

even know what I would want if I had a mother's day set aside for me.

> >

> > We also made plans for my father's b-day- and several other things. My

anxieties are over the top right now- and I don't know how to leave them or even

limit my contact less with them- the guilt and shame of not embracing the time

they want to spend with is destroying me. I always feel I am never giving

enough...

> >

> > I know the answer may be clear- but I am so torn- and I feel like what can I

do ?- I have tried the boundaries- the talks with them- the fights- the

distance- and I always end up back- because they win, I just run of energy

fighting them.

> >

> > I haven't been in therapy since December- maybe it is time to go back.

> > I want to develop my own sense of self- but I try and just feel strangled by

their " LOVE " - or whatever you want to call what they do.

> >

> > Another ranting person, thanks for listening...

> > Malinda

> >

>

[Guest guest]

What they have for you has nothing to do with love, which is defined as

" putting the needs of another as equal or superior to your own. "

The answer is simple, though not easy. FOG is going to come and give you

doubts when you do it. You are not healthy enough yet for LC. What you

need is NC.

I would not do it by phone, as they will just work on you again. On the

other hand if you send an email or letter it may end up in the OP ed

page. Either way you do it , its like this.

Dad, mom, I just need some time to sort things out. I have mentioned

your jokes, which ( you dont mention here but I assume are hurtful or

inappropriate.) and the demands you and mom make on me. You act as if

I am simply property to be managed, and not a daughter to be cherished.

You don t ask me about plans, you inform me of your decisions.

I can t deal with all that right now. So until I tell you otherwise, I

won t be seeing or talking to you. I ll make a way for you to get a

message to me of true emergencies, but do not call me or come around.

This is not love, it is control. You have no obligation to have a

relationship with them and if you did, this is NOT a relationship. It is

ownership. They are supposed to nurture you and prepare you to be

independant. They have crippled you instead.

As for the fear and shame, what they are doing is Hoovering...sucking

you in with a bottemless list of endless demands. You cannot fill it.

No one can. They will destroy you, and then move on to another victim.

Perhaps you can be healthy enough for a relationship with them someday.

Perhaps not. But until you are, you are better as an orphan. The

emotion you need to deal with is not guilt, or shame, but grief. Grieve

what you dont have in a family. Heal in your own mind. Then see what

happens.

You have a right to be healthy.

May you heal.

Doug

>

> My anxiexties have been so much better- but I was sick and limited my

contact with my parents. I am feeling better, and it is starting up.

>

> I don't have the energy to post everything- but it is not only nada's

demand of time but my father's continual " jokes " when I am with them how

I don't have time for them or I just don't care anymore. Maybe a healthy

grown child- could handle the demands and jabs- but I am not a healthy

adult- I am so many times that wounded child- and those comments make my

stomach churn- and yes already said something to him to stop the

comments.

>

> As for the demands- they are tonight were making arrangements for

mother's day...omg on the phone with me. The conversation went something

like this is where we will be eating and you are going- and what about

your daughter and will your husband be going- and my mother kept saying

in the background she is spending the day with- meaning me.Yes. I

brought up it was my Mother's Day too- and I want to do my stuff too-

but it is like I get squashed- and really I don't even know what I would

want if I had a mother's day set aside for me.

>

> We also made plans for my father's b-day- and several other things. My

anxieties are over the top right now- and I don't know how to leave them

or even limit my contact less with them- the guilt and shame of not

embracing the time they want to spend with is destroying me. I always

feel I am never giving enough...

>

> I know the answer may be clear- but I am so torn- and I feel like what

can I do ?- I have tried the boundaries- the talks with them- the

fights- the distance- and I always end up back- because they win, I just

run of energy fighting them.

>

> I haven't been in therapy since December- maybe it is time to go back.

> I want to develop my own sense of self- but I try and just feel

strangled by their " LOVE " - or whatever you want to call what they do.

>

> Another ranting person, thanks for listening...

> Malinda

>

[Guest guest]

Here s a thought, that which we do on Mothers Day to honor or show

affection for our mother is what we do by choice. Nada always took all

the pleasure out of such things by either doing it herself, planning

something, or dropping sublte hints. ( Now if you want to get me

something for Mothers Day, I ve always wanted a Mothers Ring. )

BITCH! You steal from us the ability to ever do anything for you because

we want to , becasue everything is an expectation, a duty. You take

away our desire to do little or sentimental things because they are part

of the FOG you through on us. Who knows what sort of children we would

have been, what sort of special things we would have done for mom

because we wanted to? We. Will. Never. Know. and neither will nada. No

wonder we resent the crap out of everything we do, it is always a duty

and committment, and how many of us realize no matter what it will

always be inadequate.

I think we need a new definition in our list of terms. BITCH! A term of

affection from a KO to nada, usually taken to mean, BITCH!

Doug

> > >

> > > My anxiexties have been so much better- but I was sick and limited

my contact with my parents. I am feeling better, and it is starting up.

> > >

> > > I don't have the energy to post everything- but it is not only

nada's demand of time but my father's continual " jokes " when I am with

them how I don't have time for them or I just don't care anymore. Maybe

a healthy grown child- could handle the demands and jabs- but I am not a

healthy adult- I am so many times that wounded child- and those comments

make my stomach churn- and yes already said something to him to stop the

comments.

> > >

> > > As for the demands- they are tonight were making arrangements for

mother's day...omg on the phone with me. The conversation went something

like this is where we will be eating and you are going- and what about

your daughter and will your husband be going- and my mother kept saying

in the background she is spending the day with- meaning me.Yes. I

brought up it was my Mother's Day too- and I want to do my stuff too-

but it is like I get squashed- and really I don't even know what I would

want if I had a mother's day set aside for me.

> > >

> > > We also made plans for my father's b-day- and several other

things. My anxieties are over the top right now- and I don't know how to

leave them or even limit my contact less with them- the guilt and shame

of not embracing the time they want to spend with is destroying me. I

always feel I am never giving enough...

> > >

> > > I know the answer may be clear- but I am so torn- and I feel like

what can I do ?- I have tried the boundaries- the talks with them- the

fights- the distance- and I always end up back- because they win, I just

run of energy fighting them.

> > >

> > > I haven't been in therapy since December- maybe it is time to go

back.

> > > I want to develop my own sense of self- but I try and just feel

strangled by their " LOVE " - or whatever you want to call what they do.

> > >

> > > Another ranting person, thanks for listening...

> > > Malinda

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Doug, you are da man. It's absolutely true that every gift, every occasion

there are hints and expectations to such a degree that I end up overextended

just so as not to disappoint her. Can't have that. Every now and then even

still, I'll get an urge to do something spontaneous but the problem is if you

give an inch she'll take a mile. If I were to send her one spontaneous gift,

she would start to expect regular spontaneous gifts and be " hurt " when they were

not forthcoming. The manipulation of giving encourages a KO to give as little

as possible beyond what is required and...that's really sad, but necessary.

In a sense, nadas demand love at emotional gunpoint and then get angry because

it's not spontaneous or sincere or " enough " ...what do they expect?

> > > >

> > > > My anxiexties have been so much better- but I was sick and limited

> my contact with my parents. I am feeling better, and it is starting up.

> > > >

> > > > I don't have the energy to post everything- but it is not only

> nada's demand of time but my father's continual " jokes " when I am with

> them how I don't have time for them or I just don't care anymore. Maybe

> a healthy grown child- could handle the demands and jabs- but I am not a

> healthy adult- I am so many times that wounded child- and those comments

> make my stomach churn- and yes already said something to him to stop the

> comments.

> > > >

> > > > As for the demands- they are tonight were making arrangements for

> mother's day...omg on the phone with me. The conversation went something

> like this is where we will be eating and you are going- and what about

> your daughter and will your husband be going- and my mother kept saying

> in the background she is spending the day with- meaning me.Yes. I

> brought up it was my Mother's Day too- and I want to do my stuff too-

> but it is like I get squashed- and really I don't even know what I would

> want if I had a mother's day set aside for me.

> > > >

> > > > We also made plans for my father's b-day- and several other

> things. My anxieties are over the top right now- and I don't know how to

> leave them or even limit my contact less with them- the guilt and shame

> of not embracing the time they want to spend with is destroying me. I

> always feel I am never giving enough...

> > > >

> > > > I know the answer may be clear- but I am so torn- and I feel like

> what can I do ?- I have tried the boundaries- the talks with them- the

> fights- the distance- and I always end up back- because they win, I just

> run of energy fighting them.

> > > >

> > > > I haven't been in therapy since December- maybe it is time to go

> back.

> > > > I want to develop my own sense of self- but I try and just feel

> strangled by their " LOVE " - or whatever you want to call what they do.

> > > >

> > > > Another ranting person, thanks for listening...

> > > > Malinda

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Very well put! Thank you for phrasing this so succinctly. Hope you don't mind if

I print this out and tape it to my monitor. This also describes BP spouses, by

the way.

B.

---- climberkayak wrote:

> In a sense, nadas demand love at emotional gunpoint and then get angry because

it's not spontaneous or sincere or " enough " ...what do they expect?

>

>

[Guest guest]

I just wanted to thank you ALL for responding..especially Doug.

I haven't been on for awhile. So reading these responses- was hard and even

painful. I hate that I was raised in this place of ridicule- pain and yes abuse.

I have been told by a therapist- nc- is the way I should go. I can't do it. I do

the lc (even that not very well)- only to have that eventually blow up in my

face. The last blow up was a week ago- with the verbal abuse from nada- my

father being afraid to speak up- Again. She then raged against him.

Anyway- my daughter caught the end of it all and -the brillance of a 26 year

old- telling me to grieve the loss of the mother and father-I will never have. I

will continue to try to do that.

Thank you again,

Malinda

> >

> > My anxiexties have been so much better- but I was sick and limited my

> contact with my parents. I am feeling better, and it is starting up.

> >

> > I don't have the energy to post everything- but it is not only nada's

> demand of time but my father's continual " jokes " when I am with them how

> I don't have time for them or I just don't care anymore. Maybe a healthy

> grown child- could handle the demands and jabs- but I am not a healthy

> adult- I am so many times that wounded child- and those comments make my

> stomach churn- and yes already said something to him to stop the

> comments.

> >

> > As for the demands- they are tonight were making arrangements for

> mother's day...omg on the phone with me. The conversation went something

> like this is where we will be eating and you are going- and what about

> your daughter and will your husband be going- and my mother kept saying

> in the background she is spending the day with- meaning me.Yes. I

> brought up it was my Mother's Day too- and I want to do my stuff too-

> but it is like I get squashed- and really I don't even know what I would

> want if I had a mother's day set aside for me.

> >

> > We also made plans for my father's b-day- and several other things. My

> anxieties are over the top right now- and I don't know how to leave them

> or even limit my contact less with them- the guilt and shame of not

> embracing the time they want to spend with is destroying me. I always

> feel I am never giving enough...

> >

> > I know the answer may be clear- but I am so torn- and I feel like what

> can I do ?- I have tried the boundaries- the talks with them- the

> fights- the distance- and I always end up back- because they win, I just

> run of energy fighting them.

> >

> > I haven't been in therapy since December- maybe it is time to go back.

> > I want to develop my own sense of self- but I try and just feel

> strangled by their " LOVE " - or whatever you want to call what they do.

> >

> > Another ranting person, thanks for listening...

> > Malinda

> >

>