Re: boundaries

[Guest guest]

Patty

If your daughter is aware that her allowed # of phone calls to you when

you're at work is 2, can you not take her 3rd, 4th, etc calls. Have someone

tell

her you are unable to take the call or explain to her if you are the one

answering the phone that you will have to disconnect her on any calls after # 2

??

Jean

[Guest guest]

Patty

It seems like you have a good therapist. I like that he gives out his cell #

to his patients---sounds like he is very involved and caring.

You HAVE to stick to your boundaries, I know from personal experience of not

sticking to boundaries when my daughter was your daughter's age. Just tell

yourself that what you are doing is GOOD for her and it might help you stay with

them.

Is your husband still living at home. I remember you said you were in the

middle of a divorce. If he's still in the house, things might be better once he

is out.

Be strong.

Jean

[Guest guest]

I just set this boundry Friday so this is new to her and I. I answer

my own phone at work and thank goodness I have caller ID. On Friday

when she exceeded her 2 I just did not answer. She was concerned that

she could not get ahold of me if emergency. I told her if emergency

leave a message (which I check often) or call 911. I see the same

therapist as my daughter and he is helping me set these and STICK BY

THEM. I have not been consistant in the past at all. But as I am

learning the hard way, this inconsistancy was not helping either of

us.

Just to explain the emergency concern..... Deed when for a whole year

with out cutting, she was working very hard to vent her pain in other

forms, writing, punching bag, etc. 3 weeks ago she read " In the

mirror " or something like that, and got completely overwhelmed with

feelings, thougths, past and present experiences etc. I think it was a

realization moment for her that she is truly BPD and she has a long

rough road ahead of her. She cut herself once on a Tuesday and once on

a Thursday of the same week and both required MULTIPLE stitches. Never

in the past has it been this bad. She is back to therapy weekly vs bi-

weekly and Dr. Jim has given her his cell phone so she can call him 24-

7 if she needs him. I know this is not her " rock bottom " yet but her

understanding of the illness is pretty clear now and her writings and

and completely changed from what is caiotic in her days to how she

feels during the caios. I think it is a baby step in the right

direction.

Anyway, got to get to work.

Patty

> Patty

>

> If your daughter is aware that her allowed # of phone calls to you

when

> you're at work is 2, can you not take her 3rd, 4th, etc calls. Have

someone tell

> her you are unable to take the call or explain to her if you are the

one

> answering the phone that you will have to disconnect her on any

calls after # 2 ??

>

> Jean

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hello Soma,

My BPD daughter turned 18 in Jan. She had already missed a

considerable amount of school at that point, and it came time to tell her that

if she

wasn't going to get up and go, that she could get up and pack. She chose

the latter, spent a week away then asked to come back. That was when I should

have drawn up the contract with her, but I didn't and she lasted one week. Th

e next Monday it happened again, I told her to leave. She was gone another

week, on Monday called me. I told her this was the final time, drew up the

contract at work, we went over it together, she signed it, and hasn't missed a

day of school or curfew since. She has been doing the daily chores and

seems quite happy.

Her behaviour is under control, no more disrespect or backtalk. She's doing

quite well,

since April 5th, except today I got a call from the school, she skipped one

class last Wed. before spring break. They were off all last week. I told

the VP it would have been nice to have been called when it happened, not a week

and a half later. She's been allowed out and I didn't know she had done

this. Now I have to go in again tomorrow morning to meet with the VP. He

seems

like this is it, she won't graduate, may have to go to summer school. My

thing is she isn't failing this class, she's been in school everyday,

and this is only the second cut in this class. I'm hoping it works out, as

we have spent time and money on her up and coming prom, senior pics, etc. I

cannot believe she even thought about cutting a class knowing what the

consequences may be. Everyday someone asks her to cut something.......... it's

ridiculous. Takes all she's got to keep telling them no.

This particular day and class had a substitute. I don't know what she was

thinking.

Anyway, I wish I had done the contract thing long ago. Setting boundaries

and making myself strong enough to be more of a disciplinarian than I ever was

has paid off. She's a much better person and I'm working on myself getting

healthy. Good luck to you.

Hugs,

Debbie

[Guest guest]

Dear Patty,

You're right about setting boundaries. And like you, my husband and

I have not always been consistent with our daughter and that slows

down her progress.

I think it was a great idea to tell your daughter she could leave a

message or call 911 in an emergency. She probably wouldn't want to

be on the phone with 911 because it wouldn't be the type of

attention she wants - she wants yours. If she is disturbed by

finding out about BPD it is understandable, but shows that she cares

about what is going on with her emotionally. Eventually she will

probably accept it, and hopefully want to move forward with her

recovery.

In that sense, you would be very lucky. So many bp's do not

acknowledge it or agree to seek help. Good luck with everything.

Carolyn

> > Patty

> >

> > If your daughter is aware that her allowed # of phone calls to

you

> when

> > you're at work is 2, can you not take her 3rd, 4th, etc calls.

Have

> someone tell

> > her you are unable to take the call or explain to her if you are

the

> one

> > answering the phone that you will have to disconnect her on any

> calls after # 2 ??

> >

> > Jean

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I felt " stuck " too, but it's not feeling stuck, you are feeling guilty and

trying to protect her because you know she has nowhere to go. They have to

understand they are adults, they have to work, fend for themselves. Is she on

any meds? Is she getting any therapy? I think first and foremost, she must

realize she needs help, get her to see a therapist. Sadly, it seems that

they have to do something drastic to get that ball rolling.

My daughter visited the ER many times before she realized something had to

be done.

Those days are gone, but the behavior lived on. I made it like a formal

contract.

An agreement between her name and MOM.

Listed the behaviors I expect of her, listed the chores she must do each

day. Listed her curfews for weekdays and weekends. The door would be locked

past the times, she wouldn't be able to get in. She knows she misses one day

of school until graduation, that she is out, won't be able to live here

anymore. If you like, I think I kept a copy in my computer. I could email you

directly, give you some idea what to write.

We signed and dated it together. About a week later she said, you know,

it's a lot easier doing what I'm supposed to be doing than to face the

consequences! What a revelation! Only once did she say I hate this thing we

are

doing, but she was stressed over something, thought I was throwing it in her

face. I just said, take a breath and step back. She knew she was wrong and

all

was fine.

Hugs,

Debbie

[Guest guest]

I had to do that with my daughter, she would call me

over every little thing and it interfered alot. I

stopped answering the phone. Now, a year later she

rarely calls me. Of course I had to hear her rant and

rave when I got home but I let it roll off my back and

that was it!

--- cascorsam@... wrote:

> Patty

>

> If your daughter is aware that her allowed # of

> phone calls to you when

> you're at work is 2, can you not take her 3rd, 4th,

> etc calls. Have someone tell

> her you are unable to take the call or explain to

> her if you are the one

> answering the phone that you will have to disconnect

> her on any calls after # 2 ??

>

> Jean

>

>

> [Non-text portions of this message have been

> removed]

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

What did you write in your contract? The problem with

my daughter I say leave and she has no where to go.

She has absolutely no friends here (we moved a year

ago- she has not been in school but did earn her GED).

I feel stuck.

--- funnygirl1154@... wrote:

> Hello Soma,

> My BPD daughter turned 18 in Jan. She had

> already missed a

> considerable amount of school at that point, and it

> came time to tell her that if she

> wasn't going to get up and go, that she could get

> up and pack. She chose

> the latter, spent a week away then asked to come

> back. That was when I should

> have drawn up the contract with her, but I didn't

> and she lasted one week. Th

> e next Monday it happened again, I told her to

> leave. She was gone another

> week, on Monday called me. I told her this was the

> final time, drew up the

> contract at work, we went over it together, she

> signed it, and hasn't missed a

> day of school or curfew since. She has been doing

> the daily chores and

> seems quite happy.

> Her behaviour is under control, no more disrespect

> or backtalk. She's doing

> quite well,

> since April 5th, except today I got a call from the

> school, she skipped one

> class last Wed. before spring break. They were off

> all last week. I told

> the VP it would have been nice to have been called

> when it happened, not a week

> and a half later. She's been allowed out and I

> didn't know she had done

> this. Now I have to go in again tomorrow morning to

> meet with the VP. He seems

> like this is it, she won't graduate, may have to go

> to summer school. My

> thing is she isn't failing this class, she's been in

> school everyday,

> and this is only the second cut in this class. I'm

> hoping it works out, as

> we have spent time and money on her up and coming

> prom, senior pics, etc. I

> cannot believe she even thought about cutting a

> class knowing what the

> consequences may be. Everyday someone asks her to

> cut something.......... it's

> ridiculous. Takes all she's got to keep telling

> them no.

> This particular day and class had a substitute. I

> don't know what she was

> thinking.

> Anyway, I wish I had done the contract thing long

> ago. Setting boundaries

> and making myself strong enough to be more of a

> disciplinarian than I ever was

> has paid off. She's a much better person and I'm

> working on myself getting

> healthy. Good luck to you.

> Hugs,

> Debbie

>

>

> [Non-text portions of this message have been

> removed]

>

>

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Yes I would like it if you sent me a copy so I could get an idea. You can send

it to jilaotrio@my way.com. It's my email account so no other eyes will touch

it. I have used my son's email here, it is open to the family. I delete what I

don't want seen, some I think they both should see.

She is on medication, of course that is a whole other fight to get her to take

it regularly. I do realize I have to set up some consistent strong boundaries,

something I have failed to do. I'm getting better though, being a part of this

group and doing alot of reading is helping me realize I'm not alone. I

appreciate everyone's support.

Thanks,

funnygirl1154@... wrote:

I felt " stuck " too, but it's not feeling stuck, you are feeling guilty and

trying to protect her because you know she has nowhere to go. They have to

understand they are adults, they have to work, fend for themselves. Is she on

any meds? Is she getting any therapy? I think first and foremost, she must

realize she needs help, get her to see a therapist. Sadly, it seems that

they have to do something drastic to get that ball rolling.

My daughter visited the ER many times before she realized something had to

be done.

Those days are gone, but the behavior lived on. I made it like a formal

contract.

An agreement between her name and MOM.

Listed the behaviors I expect of her, listed the chores she must do each

day. Listed her curfews for weekdays and weekends. The door would be locked

past the times, she wouldn't be able to get in. She knows she misses one day

of school until graduation, that she is out, won't be able to live here

anymore. If you like, I think I kept a copy in my computer. I could email you

directly, give you some idea what to write.

We signed and dated it together. About a week later she said, you know,

it's a lot easier doing what I'm supposed to be doing than to face the

consequences! What a revelation! Only once did she say I hate this thing we

are

doing, but she was stressed over something, thought I was throwing it in her

face. I just said, take a breath and step back. She knew she was wrong and

all

was fine.

Hugs,

Debbie

[Guest guest]

Hi Debbie, If you do still have a copy of your contract I would like

it if you could send it to me as well. It would be a good starting

point to build one for my dtr. I have a " work " contract with her but

I would also like one for the behaviors, etc.

Thanks,

Patty

> I felt " stuck " too, but it's not feeling stuck, you are feeling

guilty and

> trying to protect her because you know she has nowhere to go. They

have to

> understand they are adults, they have to work, fend for

themselves. Is she on

> any meds? Is she getting any therapy? I think first and

foremost, she must

> realize she needs help, get her to see a therapist. Sadly, it

seems that

> they have to do something drastic to get that ball rolling.

> My daughter visited the ER many times before she realized something

had to

> be done.

> Those days are gone, but the behavior lived on. I made it like a

formal

> contract.

> An agreement between her name and MOM.

> Listed the behaviors I expect of her, listed the chores she must do

each

> day. Listed her curfews for weekdays and weekends. The door would

be locked

> past the times, she wouldn't be able to get in. She knows she

misses one day

> of school until graduation, that she is out, won't be able to live

here

> anymore. If you like, I think I kept a copy in my computer. I

could email you

> directly, give you some idea what to write.

> We signed and dated it together. About a week later she said, you

know,

> it's a lot easier doing what I'm supposed to be doing than to face

the

> consequences! What a revelation! Only once did she say I hate

this thing we are

> doing, but she was stressed over something, thought I was throwing

it in her

> face. I just said, take a breath and step back. She knew she was

wrong and all

> was fine.

> Hugs,

> Debbie

>

>

>

>