Re: Having an am I the crazy one? moment

[Guest guest]

OMG. That is seriously disturbing and bothers me even more because my nada has

her own pony tail from when she was a teen (she's 62 now) and couldn't

understand why I didn't want it. It really creeps me out.

> > >

> > > Today nada pulled out some old letters I had written

> > to her when I was a freshman in college. She wanted me to

> > read them out loud to her. They were dated Nov-Jan so I had

> > just left home b/c school started at the end of Sep. In

> > these letters I sounded like I was writing to one of my best

> > friends. In one of them I even said how much I appreciated

> > that nada was always there for me and that I could always

> > talk to her. It made me sick to read them out loud b/c

> > that's absolutely NOT the case and she was just eating it

> > up. I know I didn't just say that when I wrote those

> > letters- I had to have meant it at the time. WTF? Was I

> > really that brain washed? I don't remember being that close.

> > I remember the guilt, pressure. Being embarassed to go home

> > if I had gained weight. Nada mad at me for stupid things.

> > And now, now our relationhsip is beyond horrible. I don't

> > even look at her when she talks. She wants to talk about her

> > cancer, I almost ignore her. I blow off every complaint she

> > has. I am sharp with her when I talk. When did I become this

> > person? I know I am not really that person, but I hate the

> > way I have become around her. I know it's a defense

> > mechanism but it's so horrible. But it's like I can't help

> > it. Survival mode, I guess. All I know is that I feel like I

> > am about to snap. Even just hearing her shuffling walk from

> > another room makes me cringe. And seeing what's behind her

> > eyes makes me ill. I need help. I need to start seeing my T

> > more regularly.

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > ------------------------------------

> >

> > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @...

> > SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE

> > GROUP.

> >

> > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call

> > 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to

> > “Understanding the Borderline Mother†(Lawson) and

> > “Surviving the Borderline Parent,†(Roth) which you can

> > find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

> >

> > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community

> > and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

That's my nada's excuse too! That it's a tradition from back then. She is

obsessed with antiques and anything old.

> > > >

> > > > Ew. 

> > > >

> > > > Kind of reminds me of several Christmasses ago,

> > before I went NC.  Nada had a tree up in her house that

> > had all handmade ornaments on it...kid ornaments.  She

> > said " Oh, I have so many from you kids that I only put the

> > special ones on there. "   Every single ornament on that

> > tree was made by either my brother or her husband's

> > grandchildren.  Not one was made by me.  The only

> > thing on that tree from me?

> > > >

> > > > A ponytail of mine that she'd cut off my head

> > when I was seven. 

> > > >

> > > > Yup.  My hair.  On the tree.

> > > >

> > > > Ninera

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > ------------------------------------

> >

> > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @...

> > SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE

> > GROUP.

> >

> > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call

> > 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to

> > “Understanding the Borderline Mother†(Lawson) and

> > “Surviving the Borderline Parent,†(Roth) which you can

> > find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

> >

> > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community

> > and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

I am so upset about my nada's ponytail that I had a hard time saving a lock of

my dtr's 1st haircut. I finally did b/c the baby book has a pocket in it for a

lock of hair. It still weirds me out.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Ew. 

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Kind of reminds me of several Christmasses ago,

> > > > before I went NC.  Nada had a tree up in her house that

> > > > had all handmade ornaments on it...kid ornaments.  She

> > > > said " Oh, I have so many from you kids that I only put the

> > > > special ones on there. "   Every single ornament on that

> > > > tree was made by either my brother or her husband's

> > > > grandchildren.  Not one was made by me.  The only

> > > > thing on that tree from me?

> > > > > >

> > > > > > A ponytail of mine that she'd cut off my head

> > > > when I was seven. 

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Yup.  My hair.  On the tree.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Ninera

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > ------------------------------------

> > > >

> > > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @

> > > > SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE

> > > > GROUP.

> > > >

> > > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call

> > > > 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to

> > > > “Understanding the Borderline Mother†(Lawson) and

> > > > “Surviving the Borderline Parent,†(Roth) which you can

> > > > find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

> > > >

> > > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community

> > > > and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

Jackie,your nada is totally reaping what she sowed.And so is mine.That either of

them is surprised or believes *they* have the right to curse *us* for it just

goes to show how disturbed and clueless they are.

>

> thank you, you're so kind :-) Nada is reaping what she's sowed...my father

> is dying, nada is taking care of him, but those of us left are too far away

> to help, so she's doing it alone, with the help of cousins and extended

> family...cursing us all !!

>

> Jackie

>

>

>

> Jackie,what your nada did is so vicious and so cruel.She didn't deserve to

> have you for a daughter.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

This is weird! My nada has my pony tail from when I was 8 or 9 and she cut off

my long hair. It's so symbolic of her " ownership " of me. Gross.

> > > >

> > > > Today nada pulled out some old letters I had written

> > > to her when I was a freshman in college. She wanted me to

> > > read them out loud to her. They were dated Nov-Jan so I had

> > > just left home b/c school started at the end of Sep. In

> > > these letters I sounded like I was writing to one of my best

> > > friends. In one of them I even said how much I appreciated

> > > that nada was always there for me and that I could always

> > > talk to her. It made me sick to read them out loud b/c

> > > that's absolutely NOT the case and she was just eating it

> > > up. I know I didn't just say that when I wrote those

> > > letters- I had to have meant it at the time. WTF? Was I

> > > really that brain washed? I don't remember being that close.

> > > I remember the guilt, pressure. Being embarassed to go home

> > > if I had gained weight. Nada mad at me for stupid things.

> > > And now, now our relationhsip is beyond horrible. I don't

> > > even look at her when she talks. She wants to talk about her

> > > cancer, I almost ignore her. I blow off every complaint she

> > > has. I am sharp with her when I talk. When did I become this

> > > person? I know I am not really that person, but I hate the

> > > way I have become around her. I know it's a defense

> > > mechanism but it's so horrible. But it's like I can't help

> > > it. Survival mode, I guess. All I know is that I feel like I

> > > am about to snap. Even just hearing her shuffling walk from

> > > another room makes me cringe. And seeing what's behind her

> > > eyes makes me ill. I need help. I need to start seeing my T

> > > more regularly.

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > ------------------------------------

> > >

> > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @

> > > SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE

> > > GROUP.

> > >

> > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call

> > > 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to

> > > “Understanding the Borderline Mother†(Lawson) and

> > > “Surviving the Borderline Parent,†(Roth) which you can

> > > find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

> > >

> > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community

> > > and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

Doug,

Beautifully written. Well said.

Here Here!!!!!!

Thanks

Diane

> >

> > Today nada pulled out some old letters I had written to her when I was

> a freshman in college. She wanted me to read them out loud to her. They

> were dated Nov-Jan so I had just left home b/c school started at the end

> of Sep. In these letters I sounded like I was writing to one of my best

> friends. In one of them I even said how much I appreciated that nada was

> always there for me and that I could always talk to her. It made me sick

> to read them out loud b/c that's absolutely NOT the case and she was

> just eating it up. I know I didn't just say that when I wrote those

> letters- I had to have meant it at the time. WTF? Was I really that

> brain washed? I don't remember being that close. I remember the guilt,

> pressure. Being embarassed to go home if I had gained weight. Nada mad

> at me for stupid things. And now, now our relationhsip is beyond

> horrible. I don't even look at her when she talks. She wants to talk

> about her cancer, I almost ignore her. I blow off every complaint she

> has. I am sharp with her when I talk. When did I become this person? I

> know I am not really that person, but I hate the way I have become

> around her. I know it's a defense mechanism but it's so horrible. But

> it's like I can't help it. Survival mode, I guess. All I know is that I

> feel like I am about to snap. Even just hearing her shuffling walk from

> another room makes me cringe. And seeing what's behind her eyes makes me

> ill. I need help. I need to start seeing my T more regularly.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hey I don't know about you guys...well some of you...but I was

so 'parentized' (indoctrinated as the mother instead of nada)

that I always had to juggle home responsibilities along with

homework and caring for brothers.

Sound familiar? I was a working mom when I was a KID!!!!

And that's why I loved school so much, and still do. It was

the ONLY thing that was all mine...within my own boundary...

my private world. Of course that came to an end in the last

weeks of my senior year.

Nada believed that (psychosis here) drug lords were trying to

kill me, and she had to protect me by following me around the

last weeks of high school. I cried to the principal helplessly

and she relented and let me go home for the rest of the year...

and 'do homework' there...which nada made sure she went to the

teachers to retrieve and bring to me to do. She wanted me to be

a little kid again. 'her' little 'doll'

I didn't do the homework.

On graduation night, she fixed my hair like I was 4 years old,

put me in some god awful dress, and I had to come home to

'celebrate' with the damned family. My boyfriend ran his new

car back and forth in front of the house many times honking at

me...as if to tell me he still loved me.

I cried myself to sleep.

Diane