To Debbie

[Guest guest]

Debbie,

I read your reply to Mel and I completely understand where you are

coming from -- when my daughter had the worst of her problems (about

three years ago), there was absolutely nothing I could say that

would make the slightest difference to her. Threats were

meaningless. It would be impossible to make her do chores as a

punishment because she simply wouldn't do them, then would slam her

door and curse, then leave in the middle of the night . . . She

would leave for days on end, call us up to taunt us while we worried

ourselves sick and yet have no clue why we would even be worried

about her. She was one sick kid. The control battle just escalated,

her impression was that either she won or we won, it was always a

contest.

Although I don't have any great answers, I would just encourage you

to take action instead of discussing it. It is your house, not hers.

If she is turning 18, you can certainly tell her to leave. I

understand that it is your goal to have her graduate, and she surely

knows it, which is why she is making your life hell while she fails

to do just that.

What would happen if you were willing to change your goal of having

her graduate? What if your goal was to have a peaceful household,

which may involve having her not live there?

It would be a radical move to throw her out. However - look at the

parents here who have done just that. They took a stand and made a

heart-wrenching decision. And their kids are learning from tough

love that life is hard and that the universe will hand them

consequences.

Carolyn

>

> In a message dated 03/04/2005 9:49:45 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,

> melloyello66@y... writes:

>

> YOU ARE A GOOD MOTHER AND PERSON WHEN YOU DEMAND RESPECT FOR

> YOURSELF!!!

>

> YOU CAN DO IT FOR YOU!!! I know it's a dr. phil thing, but what

is

> happening now " isn't working for ya " . Whats the harm of trying

> something new THAT WILL WORK not for her FOR YOU. This is not

> therapy to change her, WAY too hard, but you can change you for

YOUR

> health and happiness.

>

>

>

> Mel, this would be great for ME if it worked...........I can tell

my

> daughter until I'm blue in the face that I demand respect from

her, and I will not

> be treated with disrespect in the way of her cussing at me each

morning I am

> trying to get her butt up for school. Demanding respect from her

does

> nothing. What is the reaction I am supposed to get? Respect from

her just by

> demanding it? Doesn't work. Yesterday she brought up something

that took place

> two weeks ago. Wanted to know why I went through her room, found

a key,

> unlocked her little box only to find a homemade foil pipe. Said

nothing when I did

> it, but now tells me she is buying a lock for her bedroom door.

I told her

> she could buy locks for all the doors, IN HER OWN PLACE. I

received a very

> shocking FU for that. As long as you are in my house, I pay the

bills, I am

> your mother and every RIGHT to go through your room, I won't if

you don't give

> me any reason to. I had to buy locks for my bedroom doors as

there is

> jewelry and money missing. But she doesn't want me going through

her things.

> Amazing. All the rules and boundary making don't work. I can

see the finish

> line ahead, she only has a matter of weeks to graduation, and she

is standing

> still looking at it. Her costly senior pics arrived yesterday,

they are in

> hiding. She doesn't graduate, she doesn't get them. I will keep

any money she

> has saved for future car insurance, to pay for the pics. What a

surprise

> that will be. I told her today when she didn't get up for

school, to call her

> counselor at school today, find out her options, as I see it, I

don't know

> how she can possibly graduate w/all the school she has missed,

and when she

> goes, is always late.

> Otherwise, if she doesn't plan to get a grip on finishing out, she

has to

> make other plans to get her education finished and get a diploma.

Four years

> of this, if she graduates, I will throw the graduation party for

ME! The

> CHANGING ME part is great, except that she is still there, still

not doing what

> she is supposed to be doing, I'm the one walking out the door to

go to work,

> having accomplished nothing, so I am supposed to feel GOOD? about

walking out

> and not getting her to school? Because as I see it, she has won

again, got

> to stay home and lay around in bed all day, she doesn't look at it

that she is

> ruining her future. I've walked out feeling, okay it's your life,

you mess

> up all you want, but she is still under my roof getting away with

it. How do

> you kick them out with only a few weeks of school left, where my

main

> concern with her is that she go to school and graduate? She has a

job and makes

> nice money, only to blow it all when she gets it.

> I have stopped buying her things she wants. I can't get over

the guilt

> trips. That's just the way I am, my husband says I'm trying to

save the world,

> but it won't work with her. She wants for nothing. But I do

know she knows

> what she is doing. She's quite good at it. All the talking,

demanding, rule

> making, boundary making..........meaningless to her.

> Totally, totally drained..........

> Debbie

>

>

>