Re: Trying to reunite family in spite of Nada?

[Guest guest]

What does it say about my anxiety level on this that I want to " bump " this

question after posting it only 30 minutes ago? Maybe it's her pleading text

messages that she keeps sending me, even though one of our rules in our LC

is no texts. Ugh.

>

>

> Yesterday my Nada's mother died. Whenever my grandmother was white, she was

> in our lives and praised and I enjoyed her in my life. Whenever she was

> black, which was more often, she was cursed and I heard all these horrific

> stories of stab wounds she inflicted and more such horrendous abuses. I do

> believe that my alcoholic grandmother was abusive, but she also showed BPD

> traits. My feelings about her death and the death of the chance of a real

> relationship with a grandmother are mixed today. I feel like it's a

> foreshadowing of when my mother dies.

>

> Needless to say, my mother's immediate family was incredibly messed up,

> even if only in her head. That resulted in a lack of family contact for my

> sister and I growing up with all of my uncles and cousins, and grandparents.

> (I was estranged growing up from my other side of the family as well due to

> my mother's control of me and hatred of my father).

>

> Because of facebook, I've recently begun surface contact with my cousins,

> the first of any contact in over 10 years. It turns out all of us are

> craving to know each other, yet scared of each of our parent's rage at such

> a " betrayal. " But the youngest has just turned 18 and we are all feeling

> empowered by so called adulthood.

>

> So my sister and I are going to travel to the funeral, not so much to say

> goodbye to my grandmother, but in hopes of taking advantage of the first

> time to get to know my cousins out of the shadow of bpd. The only one left

> alive is one uncle and my nada is definitely not going.

>

> Here's the but. Nada is ENRAGED at the thought of us going. She is

> forbidding us as the witch, then pleading with us as the waif, not to

> interract w/t he cousins. I can't pin it. She talks about how abusive they

> are to her (w/ no examples of course), is she afraid we'll all bash her (a

> common fear of hers), or I'll find out the " truth " about her behavior w/ the

> family? I can't pin why she is putting ALL her energy and what would have

> been odd grief into this.

>

> What do I do? When we get into a conflict like this, I tell her I won't

> discuss it further (which she never agrees to) and then I go NC for a while.

> But I feel too guilty to do that right after her mom died. Here's an example

> of the exchange, " You wouldn't dare go to her funeral!? That would be an

> endorsement of her abuse!?? If you are going to pay respects, you would fly

> to see ME!! Don't send the funeral flowers, send ME flowers! Please don't

> talk to your cousins, don't dare talk to your cousins! They abused me! You

> need to stand up for your mother! I need someone to stand up for me, against

> the abusers, how could you betray me like this? "

>

> How do I handle this?

>

> (btw, just writing this makes it seem all the more absurd)

>

> THANK YOU IN ADVANCE! This is a crazy time. I'm stressed already with what

> my cousins might think of me if they think my mom is any reflection of me!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'd say go anyway--see your cousins! Get to know them, and my guess you will be

comparing stories. That's what I'm doing next week, visiting family without my

BP fada looming over all the relationships. His family was messed up too, but

I'm seeing my " normal " relatives, WOOT!

But I honestly don't care what he thinks. he may be mad (seeing an aunt--he

disowned his own sister--after never having emt her before).

It's hard, but try nto to care what your nada thinks. I guess you can tell her,

no, me going to her funeral does NOT mean I'm endorsing her abuse. Your grandma

is still a person, and it is just common courtesy and decency to pay your

respects to the PERSON at the funeral--not the abuse. Abuse and persons are

separate from each other.

I'd say, go ahead! Connect It feels great to do that, because you are adults,

and she can't have a say in what you do.

>

> Yesterday my Nada's mother died. Whenever my grandmother was white, she was

in our lives and praised and I enjoyed her in my life. Whenever she was black,

which was more often, she was cursed and I heard all these horrific stories of

stab wounds she inflicted and more such horrendous abuses. I do believe that my

alcoholic grandmother was abusive, but she also showed BPD traits. My feelings

about her death and the death of the chance of a real relationship with a

grandmother are mixed today. I feel like it's a foreshadowing of when my mother

dies.

>

> Needless to say, my mother's immediate family was incredibly messed up, even

if only in her head. That resulted in a lack of family contact for my sister

and I growing up with all of my uncles and cousins, and grandparents. (I was

estranged growing up from my other side of the family as well due to my mother's

control of me and hatred of my father).

>

> Because of facebook, I've recently begun surface contact with my cousins, the

first of any contact in over 10 years. It turns out all of us are craving to

know each other, yet scared of each of our parent's rage at such a " betrayal. "

But the youngest has just turned 18 and we are all feeling empowered by so

called adulthood.

>

> So my sister and I are going to travel to the funeral, not so much to say

goodbye to my grandmother, but in hopes of taking advantage of the first time to

get to know my cousins out of the shadow of bpd. The only one left alive is one

uncle and my nada is definitely not going.

>

> Here's the but. Nada is ENRAGED at the thought of us going. She is

forbidding us as the witch, then pleading with us as the waif, not to interract

w/t he cousins. I can't pin it. She talks about how abusive they are to her

(w/ no examples of course), is she afraid we'll all bash her (a common fear of

hers), or I'll find out the " truth " about her behavior w/ the family? I can't

pin why she is putting ALL her energy and what would have been odd grief into

this.

>

> What do I do? When we get into a conflict like this, I tell her I won't

discuss it further (which she never agrees to) and then I go NC for a while.

But I feel too guilty to do that right after her mom died. Here's an example of

the exchange, " You wouldn't dare go to her funeral!? That would be an

endorsement of her abuse!?? If you are going to pay respects, you would fly to

see ME!! Don't send the funeral flowers, send ME flowers! Please don't talk to

your cousins, don't dare talk to your cousins! They abused me! You need to

stand up for your mother! I need someone to stand up for me, against the

abusers, how could you betray me like this? "

>

> How do I handle this?

>

> (btw, just writing this makes it seem all the more absurd)

>

> THANK YOU IN ADVANCE! This is a crazy time. I'm stressed already with what

my cousins might think of me if they think my mom is any reflection of me!

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for the permission, that's not sarcastic, I really feel like I

need the permission. I feel so guilty and dirty doing this, as if I really

am " stabbing her with a knife in her heart. "

Reading your email, I reacted so strongly to the " you will be comparing

stories. " I felt a rash of guilt reading that. I thought, " I can't talk

about it!!! The rule is, Never tell! What if it got back to her? " I'm

always so afraid of putting things in writing, even these emails, in case it

" got back to her " and I was found out talking poorly about her.

Wow, a lot of fleas are coming up with this one funeral of someone I wasn't

that close to.

On Fri, Mar 12, 2010 at 2:51 PM, book1231girl

wrote:

>

>

> I'd say go anyway--see your cousins! Get to know them, and my guess you

> will be comparing stories. That's what I'm doing next week, visiting family

> without my BP fada looming over all the relationships. His family was messed

> up too, but I'm seeing my " normal " relatives, WOOT!

>

> But I honestly don't care what he thinks. he may be mad (seeing an aunt--he

> disowned his own sister--after never having emt her before).

>

> It's hard, but try nto to care what your nada thinks. I guess you can tell

> her, no, me going to her funeral does NOT mean I'm endorsing her abuse. Your

> grandma is still a person, and it is just common courtesy and decency to pay

> your respects to the PERSON at the funeral--not the abuse. Abuse and persons

> are separate from each other.

>

> I'd say, go ahead! Connect It feels great to do that, because you are

> adults, and she can't have a say in what you do.

>

>

> >

> > Yesterday my Nada's mother died. Whenever my grandmother was white, she

> was in our lives and praised and I enjoyed her in my life. Whenever she was

> black, which was more often, she was cursed and I heard all these horrific

> stories of stab wounds she inflicted and more such horrendous abuses. I do

> believe that my alcoholic grandmother was abusive, but she also showed BPD

> traits. My feelings about her death and the death of the chance of a real

> relationship with a grandmother are mixed today. I feel like it's a

> foreshadowing of when my mother dies.

> >

> > Needless to say, my mother's immediate family was incredibly messed up,

> even if only in her head. That resulted in a lack of family contact for my

> sister and I growing up with all of my uncles and cousins, and grandparents.

> (I was estranged growing up from my other side of the family as well due to

> my mother's control of me and hatred of my father).

> >

> > Because of facebook, I've recently begun surface contact with my cousins,

> the first of any contact in over 10 years. It turns out all of us are

> craving to know each other, yet scared of each of our parent's rage at such

> a " betrayal. " But the youngest has just turned 18 and we are all feeling

> empowered by so called adulthood.

> >

> > So my sister and I are going to travel to the funeral, not so much to say

> goodbye to my grandmother, but in hopes of taking advantage of the first

> time to get to know my cousins out of the shadow of bpd. The only one left

> alive is one uncle and my nada is definitely not going.

> >

> > Here's the but. Nada is ENRAGED at the thought of us going. She is

> forbidding us as the witch, then pleading with us as the waif, not to

> interract w/t he cousins. I can't pin it. She talks about how abusive they

> are to her (w/ no examples of course), is she afraid we'll all bash her (a

> common fear of hers), or I'll find out the " truth " about her behavior w/ the

> family? I can't pin why she is putting ALL her energy and what would have

> been odd grief into this.

> >

> > What do I do? When we get into a conflict like this, I tell her I won't

> discuss it further (which she never agrees to) and then I go NC for a while.

> But I feel too guilty to do that right after her mom died. Here's an example

> of the exchange, " You wouldn't dare go to her funeral!? That would be an

> endorsement of her abuse!?? If you are going to pay respects, you would fly

> to see ME!! Don't send the funeral flowers, send ME flowers! Please don't

> talk to your cousins, don't dare talk to your cousins! They abused me! You

> need to stand up for your mother! I need someone to stand up for me, against

> the abusers, how could you betray me like this? "

> >

> > How do I handle this?

> >

> > (btw, just writing this makes it seem all the more absurd)

> >

> > THANK YOU IN ADVANCE! This is a crazy time. I'm stressed already with

> what my cousins might think of me if they think my mom is any reflection of

> me!

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I say you should do what *you* want to do. She has no say in the

matter. There's no reason for you to feel guilty. If going no

contact is what you have to do to prevent continued abuse from

her, then that's what you have to do. If she despised her mother

so much that she says this stuff about you going to the funeral,

then she can't claim that she's hurting over her mother's death,

so the timing of going no contact shouldn't be an issue. Plus,

if you do decide to go NC, it will be because she can't behave

herself. That adds up to her doing it to herself, not you doing

it to her. She may be making such a fuss because getting to know

your cousins better would give you more family other than her

and our nadas tend to like to keep us for themselves. Finding

out the truth about some of the stories she's told about her

family could well be at least part of her motivation too. It

seems unlikely that your cousins would even have had the

opportunity to abuse her.

When my grandmother died, my nada yelled at me for being sad.

She said I had no right to feel that way because I didn't have a

close relationship with her. Well, I didn't have a close

relationship with her because my nada hated her and because she

lived on the opposite side of the country. I did stay with her a

couple of times though, so it wasn't like I didn't know her. In

any case, I was sad because I never had a chance to know her

well, not because I was going to miss her as such. As much as

she hated her, my nada did fly across the country for her

memorial service. I'm not sure why. It may have been because she

didn't want her brothers to look better than her. It may have

been so she could gain sympathy from her co-workers over her

mother's death. It sure wasn't because she loved her mother.

At 02:06 PM 03/12/2010 corinnefsu wrote:

>Yesterday my Nada's mother died. Whenever my grandmother was

>white, she was in our lives and praised and I enjoyed her in my

>life. Whenever she was black, which was more often, she was

>cursed and I heard all these horrific stories of stab wounds

>she inflicted and more such horrendous abuses. I do believe

>that my alcoholic grandmother was abusive, but she also showed

>BPD traits. My feelings about her death and the death of the

>chance of a real relationship with a grandmother are mixed

>today. I feel like it's a foreshadowing of when my mother dies.

>

>Needless to say, my mother's immediate family was incredibly

>messed up, even if only in her head. That resulted in a lack

>of family contact for my sister and I growing up with all of my

>uncles and cousins, and grandparents. (I was estranged growing

>up from my other side of the family as well due to my mother's

>control of me and hatred of my father).

>

>Because of facebook, I've recently begun surface contact with

>my cousins, the first of any contact in over 10 years. It

>turns out all of us are craving to know each other, yet scared

>of each of our parent's rage at such a " betrayal. " But the

>youngest has just turned 18 and we are all feeling empowered by

>so called adulthood.

>

>So my sister and I are going to travel to the funeral, not so

>much to say goodbye to my grandmother, but in hopes of taking

>advantage of the first time to get to know my cousins out of

>the shadow of bpd. The only one left alive is one uncle and my

>nada is definitely not going.

>

>Here's the but. Nada is ENRAGED at the thought of us

>going. She is forbidding us as the witch, then pleading with

>us as the waif, not to interract w/t he cousins. I can't pin

>it. She talks about how abusive they are to her (w/ no

>examples of course), is she afraid we'll all bash her (a common

>fear of hers), or I'll find out the " truth " about her behavior

>w/ the family? I can't pin why she is putting ALL her energy

>and what would have been odd grief into this.

>

>What do I do? When we get into a conflict like this, I tell

>her I won't discuss it further (which she never agrees to) and

>then I go NC for a while. But I feel too guilty to do that

>right after her mom died. Here's an example of the exchange,

> " You wouldn't dare go to her funeral!? That would be an

>endorsement of her abuse!?? If you are going to pay respects,

>you would fly to see ME!! Don't send the funeral flowers, send

>ME flowers! Please don't talk to your cousins, don't dare talk

>to your cousins! They abused me! You need to stand up for your

>mother! I need someone to stand up for me, against the

>abusers, how could you betray me like this? "

>

>How do I handle this?

>

>(btw, just writing this makes it seem all the more absurd)

>

>THANK YOU IN ADVANCE! This is a crazy time. I'm stressed

>already with what my cousins might think of me if they think my

>mom is any reflection of me!

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

My dad's sister really felt like she needed permission to even meet me, wanted

to make sure I really was estranged, or that my dad gave her permission to meet

me (all talking through one of my cousins, of course) before she could meet me.

You don't *have* to share stories if you're not ready, and I wouldn't

necessarily go all into details if you'er not ready, either. It's okay to take

things slowly. 'Cause that was and still is the rule... " don't tell!! "

That's what I did with my non-BP relatives. I talked around it, and when they

showed receptiveness, then we started talking little by little in more detail as

time went on. Same with friends who knows/knew my parents, too. Slowly, and then

when I realized what I was saying wasn't going back to my parents, I started

feeling freer. And then I started not caring if it did get back to my parents

(since I'm NC). Who cares--it's the truth!

But go with what you're comfortable with. And definitely connect with your

" normal " relatives.

And still go to the funeral Let us know how it was!

~Holly

> > >

> > > Yesterday my Nada's mother died. Whenever my grandmother was white, she

> > was in our lives and praised and I enjoyed her in my life. Whenever she was

> > black, which was more often, she was cursed and I heard all these horrific

> > stories of stab wounds she inflicted and more such horrendous abuses. I do

> > believe that my alcoholic grandmother was abusive, but she also showed BPD

> > traits. My feelings about her death and the death of the chance of a real

> > relationship with a grandmother are mixed today. I feel like it's a

> > foreshadowing of when my mother dies.

> > >

> > > Needless to say, my mother's immediate family was incredibly messed up,

> > even if only in her head. That resulted in a lack of family contact for my

> > sister and I growing up with all of my uncles and cousins, and grandparents.

> > (I was estranged growing up from my other side of the family as well due to

> > my mother's control of me and hatred of my father).

> > >

> > > Because of facebook, I've recently begun surface contact with my cousins,

> > the first of any contact in over 10 years. It turns out all of us are

> > craving to know each other, yet scared of each of our parent's rage at such

> > a " betrayal. " But the youngest has just turned 18 and we are all feeling

> > empowered by so called adulthood.

> > >

> > > So my sister and I are going to travel to the funeral, not so much to say

> > goodbye to my grandmother, but in hopes of taking advantage of the first

> > time to get to know my cousins out of the shadow of bpd. The only one left

> > alive is one uncle and my nada is definitely not going.

> > >

> > > Here's the but. Nada is ENRAGED at the thought of us going. She is

> > forbidding us as the witch, then pleading with us as the waif, not to

> > interract w/t he cousins. I can't pin it. She talks about how abusive they

> > are to her (w/ no examples of course), is she afraid we'll all bash her (a

> > common fear of hers), or I'll find out the " truth " about her behavior w/ the

> > family? I can't pin why she is putting ALL her energy and what would have

> > been odd grief into this.

> > >

> > > What do I do? When we get into a conflict like this, I tell her I won't

> > discuss it further (which she never agrees to) and then I go NC for a while.

> > But I feel too guilty to do that right after her mom died. Here's an example

> > of the exchange, " You wouldn't dare go to her funeral!? That would be an

> > endorsement of her abuse!?? If you are going to pay respects, you would fly

> > to see ME!! Don't send the funeral flowers, send ME flowers! Please don't

> > talk to your cousins, don't dare talk to your cousins! They abused me! You

> > need to stand up for your mother! I need someone to stand up for me, against

> > the abusers, how could you betray me like this? "

> > >

> > > How do I handle this?

> > >

> > > (btw, just writing this makes it seem all the more absurd)

> > >

> > > THANK YOU IN ADVANCE! This is a crazy time. I'm stressed already with

> > what my cousins might think of me if they think my mom is any reflection of

> > me!

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I am in almost the EXACT same situation right now.

It is what prompted me to join this group, though trying to type it out, as you

say, feels both ridiculous - and at the same time it totally terrifies me (what

if she reads it somehow?!). (BTW, I have been lurking around for a while - I'm

Ellie.)

It isn't a funeral in my case; it's my own wedding - I got married last summer

but couldn't have anyone from my father's family there because nada is so filled

with anger towards them (the abusers) - so my husband and I are planning a

second celebration for this fall with dad's side, almost all of whom I was

totally estranged from as a child but I'm trying to figure out what I want my

adult family to look like... Anyway, she doesn't know about the celebration

itself, just that I'm in touch with my father again. One morning last week I

woke up to 18 emails, all saying roughly what yours says. When I stopped

responding I received one that said " we will discuss this further when I see you

this spring " - as if I am twelve and she will lay down the law and I will

blindly accept it.

The thing is, terrified as I am, this is about constructing a healthier version

of family. It isn't right that you don't get to experience your family because

of ONE family member. Lately I'm feeling this quite acutely - not only was my

father's family not invited to wedding #1, but only one of my aunts from nada's

side of the family bothered to attend. All told, out of the 100 people present

at our ceremony, only 7 came for me. It made me realize how isolated my sisters

and I had been, and made me want to fix this in some way... and who knows if it

will work, but it's worth a try.

My nada is furious that I'm speaking to my father in part because she doesn't

want me to hear his side of the story (because he " cuts her down " and " makes her

less than she is " ). But it isn't just about getting his " side " of the story, it

is also about validation - that someone else understands what was going on. Not

to mention that I want my children to experience a richer, more diverse, more

extended family than I ever was able to.

Anyway, this is all to say, GO. You go to your funeral, and I'll pull together

my secret second wedding, and I sincerely hope we'll be better off for it. Your

own behavior will demonstrate who you are to your cousins, and hopefully you'll

find some healthy adult relationships with your relatives - relationships that

are separate from your nada.

Ellie

> Yesterday my Nada's mother died. Whenever my grandmother was white, she was in

our lives and praised and I enjoyed her in my life. Whenever she was black,

which was more often, she was cursed and I heard all these horrific stories of

stab wounds she inflicted and more such horrendous abuses. I do believe that my

alcoholic grandmother was abusive, but she also showed BPD traits. My feelings

about her death and the death of the chance of a real relationship with a

grandmother are mixed today. I feel like it's a foreshadowing of when my mother

dies.

>

> Needless to say, my mother's immediate family was incredibly messed up, even

if only in her head. That resulted in a lack of family contact for my sister and

I growing up with all of my uncles and cousins, and grandparents. (I was

estranged growing up from my other side of the family as well due to my mother's

control of me and hatred of my father).

>

> Because of facebook, I've recently begun surface contact with my cousins, the

first of any contact in over 10 years. It turns out all of us are craving to

know each other, yet scared of each of our parent's rage at such a " betrayal. "

But the youngest has just turned 18 and we are all feeling empowered by so

called adulthood.

>

> So my sister and I are going to travel to the funeral, not so much to say

goodbye to my grandmother, but in hopes of taking advantage of the first time to

get to know my cousins out of the shadow of bpd. The only one left alive is one

uncle and my nada is definitely not going.

>

> Here's the but. Nada is ENRAGED at the thought of us going. She is forbidding

us as the witch, then pleading with us as the waif, not to interract w/t he

cousins. I can't pin it. She talks about how abusive they are to her (w/ no

examples of course), is she afraid we'll all bash her (a common fear of hers),

or I'll find out the " truth " about her behavior w/ the family? I can't pin why

she is putting ALL her energy and what would have been odd grief into this.

>

> What do I do? When we get into a conflict like this, I tell her I won't

discuss it further (which she never agrees to) and then I go NC for a while. But

I feel too guilty to do that right after her mom died. Here's an example of the

exchange, " You wouldn't dare go to her funeral!? That would be an endorsement of

her abuse!?? If you are going to pay respects, you would fly to see ME!! Don't

send the funeral flowers, send ME flowers! Please don't talk to your cousins,

don't dare talk to your cousins! They abused me! You need to stand up for your

mother! I need someone to stand up for me, against the abusers, how could you

betray me like this? "

>

> How do I handle this?

>

> (btw, just writing this makes it seem all the more absurd)

>

> THANK YOU IN ADVANCE! This is a crazy time. I'm stressed already with what my

cousins might think of me if they think my mom is any reflection of me!

>

>

[Guest guest]

OH ELLIE! I feel like I'm reading one of my own posts from two years ago!

I actually suggest you search the yahoo board on the site under the term

" wedding " (I did) and you'll find SO many similar experiences.

I grew up with my nada threatening me that she would never go to my wedding

if my father was there, so in the fog I grew up certain that well, I'll

never get married then (because that was the logical solution?)

In the end, I invited my entire dad's family, none of which I knew because

of her, and she didn't show up in protest. I had no family from her side

because she was estranged from them too! It was such a blessing her not

showing up. I went NC for two years over the fight she put over how the

invitation was worded (my father's above hers) and it opened the door for me

to have a relationship with my dad and his family.

It's been 2+ years and I'm so much happier. Getting a taste of a real

family on my dad's side is the only reason I'm seeking it with my cousins.

Congratulations on having a second celebration and congratulations on your

marriage! A mother should celebrate it too, not make it about her. (My

then therapist had said that BPD gets out of control during weddings because

they see your commitment to your spouse as abandonment of them).

>

>

> I am in almost the EXACT same situation right now.

>

> It is what prompted me to join this group, though trying to type it out, as

> you say, feels both ridiculous - and at the same time it totally terrifies

> me (what if she reads it somehow?!). (BTW, I have been lurking around for a

> while - I'm Ellie.)

>

> It isn't a funeral in my case; it's my own wedding - I got married last

> summer but couldn't have anyone from my father's family there because nada

> is so filled with anger towards them (the abusers) - so my husband and I are

> planning a second celebration for this fall with dad's side, almost all of

> whom I was totally estranged from as a child but I'm trying to figure out

> what I want my adult family to look like... Anyway, she doesn't know about

> the celebration itself, just that I'm in touch with my father again. One

> morning last week I woke up to 18 emails, all saying roughly what yours

> says. When I stopped responding I received one that said " we will discuss

> this further when I see you this spring " - as if I am twelve and she will

> lay down the law and I will blindly accept it.

>

> The thing is, terrified as I am, this is about constructing a healthier

> version of family. It isn't right that you don't get to experience your

> family because of ONE family member. Lately I'm feeling this quite acutely -

> not only was my father's family not invited to wedding #1, but only one of

> my aunts from nada's side of the family bothered to attend. All told, out of

> the 100 people present at our ceremony, only 7 came for me. It made me

> realize how isolated my sisters and I had been, and made me want to fix this

> in some way... and who knows if it will work, but it's worth a try.

>

> My nada is furious that I'm speaking to my father in part because she

> doesn't want me to hear his side of the story (because he " cuts her down "

> and " makes her less than she is " ). But it isn't just about getting his

> " side " of the story, it is also about validation - that someone else

> understands what was going on. Not to mention that I want my children to

> experience a richer, more diverse, more extended family than I ever was able

> to.

>

> Anyway, this is all to say, GO. You go to your funeral, and I'll pull

> together my secret second wedding, and I sincerely hope we'll be better off

> for it. Your own behavior will demonstrate who you are to your cousins, and

> hopefully you'll find some healthy adult relationships with your relatives -

> relationships that are separate from your nada.

>

> Ellie

>

>

>

>

> > Yesterday my Nada's mother died. Whenever my grandmother was white, she

> was in our lives and praised and I enjoyed her in my life. Whenever she was

> black, which was more often, she was cursed and I heard all these horrific

> stories of stab wounds she inflicted and more such horrendous abuses. I do

> believe that my alcoholic grandmother was abusive, but she also showed BPD

> traits. My feelings about her death and the death of the chance of a real

> relationship with a grandmother are mixed today. I feel like it's a

> foreshadowing of when my mother dies.

> >

> > Needless to say, my mother's immediate family was incredibly messed up,

> even if only in her head. That resulted in a lack of family contact for my

> sister and I growing up with all of my uncles and cousins, and grandparents.

> (I was estranged growing up from my other side of the family as well due to

> my mother's control of me and hatred of my father).

> >

> > Because of facebook, I've recently begun surface contact with my cousins,

> the first of any contact in over 10 years. It turns out all of us are

> craving to know each other, yet scared of each of our parent's rage at such

> a " betrayal. " But the youngest has just turned 18 and we are all feeling

> empowered by so called adulthood.

> >

> > So my sister and I are going to travel to the funeral, not so much to say

> goodbye to my grandmother, but in hopes of taking advantage of the first

> time to get to know my cousins out of the shadow of bpd. The only one left

> alive is one uncle and my nada is definitely not going.

> >

> > Here's the but. Nada is ENRAGED at the thought of us going. She is

> forbidding us as the witch, then pleading with us as the waif, not to

> interract w/t he cousins. I can't pin it. She talks about how abusive they

> are to her (w/ no examples of course), is she afraid we'll all bash her (a

> common fear of hers), or I'll find out the " truth " about her behavior w/ the

> family? I can't pin why she is putting ALL her energy and what would have

> been odd grief into this.

> >

> > What do I do? When we get into a conflict like this, I tell her I won't

> discuss it further (which she never agrees to) and then I go NC for a while.

> But I feel too guilty to do that right after her mom died. Here's an example

> of the exchange, " You wouldn't dare go to her funeral!? That would be an

> endorsement of her abuse!?? If you are going to pay respects, you would fly

> to see ME!! Don't send the funeral flowers, send ME flowers! Please don't

> talk to your cousins, don't dare talk to your cousins! They abused me! You

> need to stand up for your mother! I need someone to stand up for me, against

> the abusers, how could you betray me like this? "

> >

> > How do I handle this?

> >

> > (btw, just writing this makes it seem all the more absurd)

> >

> > THANK YOU IN ADVANCE! This is a crazy time. I'm stressed already with

> what my cousins might think of me if they think my mom is any reflection of

> me!

> >

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

Also, some day nada will be gone and the only family left will be your cousins.

The funeral could be a way for you to connect with them.

>

> >

> >

> > Yesterday my Nada's mother died. Whenever my grandmother was white, she was

> > in our lives and praised and I enjoyed her in my life. Whenever she was

> > black, which was more often, she was cursed and I heard all these horrific

> > stories of stab wounds she inflicted and more such horrendous abuses. I do

> > believe that my alcoholic grandmother was abusive, but she also showed BPD

> > traits. My feelings about her death and the death of the chance of a real

> > relationship with a grandmother are mixed today. I feel like it's a

> > foreshadowing of when my mother dies.

> >

> > Needless to say, my mother's immediate family was incredibly messed up,

> > even if only in her head. That resulted in a lack of family contact for my

> > sister and I growing up with all of my uncles and cousins, and grandparents.

> > (I was estranged growing up from my other side of the family as well due to

> > my mother's control of me and hatred of my father).

> >

> > Because of facebook, I've recently begun surface contact with my cousins,

> > the first of any contact in over 10 years. It turns out all of us are

> > craving to know each other, yet scared of each of our parent's rage at such

> > a " betrayal. " But the youngest has just turned 18 and we are all feeling

> > empowered by so called adulthood.

> >

> > So my sister and I are going to travel to the funeral, not so much to say

> > goodbye to my grandmother, but in hopes of taking advantage of the first

> > time to get to know my cousins out of the shadow of bpd. The only one left

> > alive is one uncle and my nada is definitely not going.

> >

> > Here's the but. Nada is ENRAGED at the thought of us going. She is

> > forbidding us as the witch, then pleading with us as the waif, not to

> > interract w/t he cousins. I can't pin it. She talks about how abusive they

> > are to her (w/ no examples of course), is she afraid we'll all bash her (a

> > common fear of hers), or I'll find out the " truth " about her behavior w/ the

> > family? I can't pin why she is putting ALL her energy and what would have

> > been odd grief into this.

> >

> > What do I do? When we get into a conflict like this, I tell her I won't

> > discuss it further (which she never agrees to) and then I go NC for a while.

> > But I feel too guilty to do that right after her mom died. Here's an example

> > of the exchange, " You wouldn't dare go to her funeral!? That would be an

> > endorsement of her abuse!?? If you are going to pay respects, you would fly

> > to see ME!! Don't send the funeral flowers, send ME flowers! Please don't

> > talk to your cousins, don't dare talk to your cousins! They abused me! You

> > need to stand up for your mother! I need someone to stand up for me, against

> > the abusers, how could you betray me like this? "

> >

> > How do I handle this?

> >

> > (btw, just writing this makes it seem all the more absurd)

> >

> > THANK YOU IN ADVANCE! This is a crazy time. I'm stressed already with what

> > my cousins might think of me if they think my mom is any reflection of me!

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm having flashbacks reading this - it is all WAAAAAY too familiar.

My nada has 2 brothers. Her mother (my grandmother) may have had BPD, although

she was mostly a wonderful grandmother to me. My mother doesn't speak with her

2 brothers. The oldest brother has always been " EVIL " and I was never allowed

contact with him. He has 5 kids - my first cousins - whom I barely know. My

grandmother used to tell me about what they were all up to, but I was never

allowed to contact them. When I got married the first time, my nada wouldn't

let me see or touch the invitations because she was afraid I might " betray her "

and invite her " EVIL " brother or my cousins to my wedding.

My nada went through several periods where she announced to everyone that she

had " divorced her mother " . I told her that the divorce was between her and my

grandmother, but I was still going to have contact with my grandmother.

Fortunately I was in my 30's and lived far away. Several lectures about " family

loyalty " later, and soon my grandmother had dementia, and my nada decided to be

her loving daughter again. So much for the " divorce. "

Nada's youngest brother was " mostly good " until about 10 years ago, when he

sided with his older brother (the " EVIL " one) over some legal matters when my

grandmother died. When she died, we all went to the funeral, but I was only

allowed to speak very briefly to my uncles and cousins. My nada and dishrag dad

just glared at me the entire time. Not long after, my nada publicly accused her

" mostly good " brother of molesting his daughter - totally unfounded and under

some paranoid delusion she was having at the time. Well, he's a lawyer, so he

sued her for slander and won. Since then he is " EVIL " .

In the past few years, I've reconnected with some of my cousins. Of my

grandmother's 9 grandchildren, 3 of us are girls. I was diagnosed with breast

cancer 4 years ago, and my oldest girl-cousin is a doctor. She heard through

the grapevine about what was happening, and she called me out of the blue, then

sent me a care package. We exchanged a few emails. A year later, she was in my

area for a medical conference, so I had her over for dinner. We stayed up till

1 am talking, and I was so impressed at how much we had in common. It was

absolutely amazing! My youngest girl-cousin is about 20 years younger than me,

but she is a wonderful, fun young adult now. Her brother was in a horrible car

accident the year before I was diagnosed, and I reconnected with her family.

Since then, she has been out to visit me and my family a few times. My kids

LOVE her. My older cousin came to visit us a few months ago (my kids LOVE her

too!), and she and I had a fantastic " girls weekend " together, and I'm finally

getting to know her. If we had grown up together and been allowed to have

contact throughout our lives, we probably would have been best friends. Its

sad, but I'm trying to make the best of the relationships we have now.

My nada (and dad) pulled the guilt, manipulation, family loyalty BS on me for

years. Eventually I learned not to tell them when I had contact with my

relatives. If they found out, I'd say " oh, must have slipped my mind and I

forgot to tell you " then I'd change the subject. It has always felt like

walking through a mine field when it comes to my nada's family. Now that I'm NC

with nada, I just don't care anymore. I made it quite clear to my nada one

time that " the family crap STOPS with YOUR generation. I'm not letting it pass

into MY generation or my kids' generation. " I've announced this to my uncles,

my cousins and everyone else who will listen. It kind of shuts them all up. My

uncles and aunts have been very nice to me ever since. My nada can't stand it.

My advice to you: life is short. Get to know your cousins and extended family

because your nada won't be around forever. They are YOUR family too, and you

are entitled to have your own adult relationships. Nada doesn't get to pick

your friends, and doesn't get to control your relationships with others -

including your relatives.

There is so much detail that I've left out of this post, and I'm being flooded

with memories. Just know you are not alone. You wrote that your nada said:

" Please don't talk to your cousins, don't dare talk to your cousins! They

abused me! You need to stand up for your mother! I need someone to stand up for

me, against the abusers, how could you betray me like this? "

I swear, my nada said the EXACT same thing to me at one point. EXACT. I'm not

kidding!

A wise woman once told me " you can only feel guilty if you give yourself

permission to feel guilty. " So don't give yourself permission to feel guilty.

Go to your grandmother's funeral if you need to go.

(((hugs))))

-

>

> Yesterday my Nada's mother died. Whenever my grandmother was white, she was

in our lives and praised and I enjoyed her in my life. Whenever she was black,

which was more often, she was cursed and I heard all these horrific stories of

stab wounds she inflicted and more such horrendous abuses. I do believe that my

alcoholic grandmother was abusive, but she also showed BPD traits. My feelings

about her death and the death of the chance of a real relationship with a

grandmother are mixed today. I feel like it's a foreshadowing of when my mother

dies.

>

> Needless to say, my mother's immediate family was incredibly messed up, even

if only in her head. That resulted in a lack of family contact for my sister

and I growing up with all of my uncles and cousins, and grandparents. (I was

estranged growing up from my other side of the family as well due to my mother's

control of me and hatred of my father).

>

> Because of facebook, I've recently begun surface contact with my cousins, the

first of any contact in over 10 years. It turns out all of us are craving to

know each other, yet scared of each of our parent's rage at such a " betrayal. "

But the youngest has just turned 18 and we are all feeling empowered by so

called adulthood.

>

> So my sister and I are going to travel to the funeral, not so much to say

goodbye to my grandmother, but in hopes of taking advantage of the first time to

get to know my cousins out of the shadow of bpd. The only one left alive is one

uncle and my nada is definitely not going.

>

> Here's the but. Nada is ENRAGED at the thought of us going. She is

forbidding us as the witch, then pleading with us as the waif, not to interract

w/t he cousins. I can't pin it. She talks about how abusive they are to her

(w/ no examples of course), is she afraid we'll all bash her (a common fear of

hers), or I'll find out the " truth " about her behavior w/ the family? I can't

pin why she is putting ALL her energy and what would have been odd grief into

this.

>

> What do I do? When we get into a conflict like this, I tell her I won't

discuss it further (which she never agrees to) and then I go NC for a while.

But I feel too guilty to do that right after her mom died. Here's an example of

the exchange, " You wouldn't dare go to her funeral!? That would be an

endorsement of her abuse!?? If you are going to pay respects, you would fly to

see ME!! Don't send the funeral flowers, send ME flowers! Please don't talk to

your cousins, don't dare talk to your cousins! They abused me! You need to

stand up for your mother! I need someone to stand up for me, against the

abusers, how could you betray me like this? "

>

> How do I handle this?

>

> (btw, just writing this makes it seem all the more absurd)

>

> THANK YOU IN ADVANCE! This is a crazy time. I'm stressed already with what

my cousins might think of me if they think my mom is any reflection of me!

>

[Guest guest]

my rabbi said something similar to me during one of many little breakdowns in

her office over this...

I'm so glad to hear that the wedding issue worked out so well for you (if you

call it well - I would, I think). It still remains to be seen how receptive my

father's family will be to this, but I feel so much more confident having heard

this! So thanks for that!

Also thanks for the tip on the message boards...I am reading quite voraciously

now! It is amazing what a little validation does for a person...

Ellie

> OH ELLIE! I feel like I'm reading one of my own posts from two years ago!

>

> I actually suggest you search the yahoo board on the site under the term

> " wedding " (I did) and you'll find SO many similar experiences.

>

> I grew up with my nada threatening me that she would never go to my wedding

> if my father was there, so in the fog I grew up certain that well, I'll

> never get married then (because that was the logical solution?)

>

> In the end, I invited my entire dad's family, none of which I knew because

> of her, and she didn't show up in protest. I had no family from her side

> because she was estranged from them too! It was such a blessing her not

> showing up. I went NC for two years over the fight she put over how the

> invitation was worded (my father's above hers) and it opened the door for me

> to have a relationship with my dad and his family.

>

> It's been 2+ years and I'm so much happier. Getting a taste of a real

> family on my dad's side is the only reason I'm seeking it with my cousins.

>

> Congratulations on having a second celebration and congratulations on your

> marriage! A mother should celebrate it too, not make it about her. (My

> then therapist had said that BPD gets out of control during weddings because

> they see your commitment to your spouse as abandonment of them).

>

>

>

>>

>>

>> I am in almost the EXACT same situation right now.

>>

>> It is what prompted me to join this group, though trying to type it out, as

>> you say, feels both ridiculous - and at the same time it totally terrifies

>> me (what if she reads it somehow?!). (BTW, I have been lurking around for a

>> while - I'm Ellie.)

>>

>> It isn't a funeral in my case; it's my own wedding - I got married last

>> summer but couldn't have anyone from my father's family there because nada

>> is so filled with anger towards them (the abusers) - so my husband and I are

>> planning a second celebration for this fall with dad's side, almost all of

>> whom I was totally estranged from as a child but I'm trying to figure out

>> what I want my adult family to look like... Anyway, she doesn't know about

>> the celebration itself, just that I'm in touch with my father again. One

>> morning last week I woke up to 18 emails, all saying roughly what yours

>> says. When I stopped responding I received one that said " we will discuss

>> this further when I see you this spring " - as if I am twelve and she will

>> lay down the law and I will blindly accept it.

>>

>> The thing is, terrified as I am, this is about constructing a healthier

>> version of family. It isn't right that you don't get to experience your

>> family because of ONE family member. Lately I'm feeling this quite acutely -

>> not only was my father's family not invited to wedding #1, but only one of

>> my aunts from nada's side of the family bothered to attend. All told, out of

>> the 100 people present at our ceremony, only 7 came for me. It made me

>> realize how isolated my sisters and I had been, and made me want to fix this

>> in some way... and who knows if it will work, but it's worth a try.

>>

>> My nada is furious that I'm speaking to my father in part because she

>> doesn't want me to hear his side of the story (because he " cuts her down "

>> and " makes her less than she is " ). But it isn't just about getting his

>> " side " of the story, it is also about validation - that someone else

>> understands what was going on. Not to mention that I want my children to

>> experience a richer, more diverse, more extended family than I ever was able

>> to.

>>

>> Anyway, this is all to say, GO. You go to your funeral, and I'll pull

>> together my secret second wedding, and I sincerely hope we'll be better off

>> for it. Your own behavior will demonstrate who you are to your cousins, and

>> hopefully you'll find some healthy adult relationships with your relatives -

>> relationships that are separate from your nada.

>>

>> Ellie

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>> Yesterday my Nada's mother died. Whenever my grandmother was white, she

>> was in our lives and praised and I enjoyed her in my life. Whenever she was

>> black, which was more often, she was cursed and I heard all these horrific

>> stories of stab wounds she inflicted and more such horrendous abuses. I do

>> believe that my alcoholic grandmother was abusive, but she also showed BPD

>> traits. My feelings about her death and the death of the chance of a real

>> relationship with a grandmother are mixed today. I feel like it's a

>> foreshadowing of when my mother dies.

>>>

>>> Needless to say, my mother's immediate family was incredibly messed up,

>> even if only in her head. That resulted in a lack of family contact for my

>> sister and I growing up with all of my uncles and cousins, and grandparents.

>> (I was estranged growing up from my other side of the family as well due to

>> my mother's control of me and hatred of my father).

>>>

>>> Because of facebook, I've recently begun surface contact with my cousins,

>> the first of any contact in over 10 years. It turns out all of us are

>> craving to know each other, yet scared of each of our parent's rage at such

>> a " betrayal. " But the youngest has just turned 18 and we are all feeling

>> empowered by so called adulthood.

>>>

>>> So my sister and I are going to travel to the funeral, not so much to say

>> goodbye to my grandmother, but in hopes of taking advantage of the first

>> time to get to know my cousins out of the shadow of bpd. The only one left

>> alive is one uncle and my nada is definitely not going.

>>>

>>> Here's the but. Nada is ENRAGED at the thought of us going. She is

>> forbidding us as the witch, then pleading with us as the waif, not to

>> interract w/t he cousins. I can't pin it. She talks about how abusive they

>> are to her (w/ no examples of course), is she afraid we'll all bash her (a

>> common fear of hers), or I'll find out the " truth " about her behavior w/ the

>> family? I can't pin why she is putting ALL her energy and what would have

>> been odd grief into this.

>>>

>>> What do I do? When we get into a conflict like this, I tell her I won't

>> discuss it further (which she never agrees to) and then I go NC for a while.

>> But I feel too guilty to do that right after her mom died. Here's an example

>> of the exchange, " You wouldn't dare go to her funeral!? That would be an

>> endorsement of her abuse!?? If you are going to pay respects, you would fly

>> to see ME!! Don't send the funeral flowers, send ME flowers! Please don't

>> talk to your cousins, don't dare talk to your cousins! They abused me! You

>> need to stand up for your mother! I need someone to stand up for me, against

>> the abusers, how could you betray me like this? "

>>>

>>> How do I handle this?

>>>

>>> (btw, just writing this makes it seem all the more absurd)

>>>

>>> THANK YOU IN ADVANCE! This is a crazy time. I'm stressed already with

>> what my cousins might think of me if they think my mom is any reflection of

>> me!

>>>

>>>

>>

>>

[Guest guest]

Corinne - Well, it doesn't sound like your extended family has a lot of big

reunion picnics, so this funeral is an excellent chance to meet everybody. I

agree with everybody else that as an adult, you have complete freedom to go to

the funeral, or anyplace else you want to go, and that your mother's

relationship with the relatives should not dictate your relationship - so sure,

go to the funeral. Since your sister's going, there will be somebody there you

can use to compare notes, someone who's had the same childhood " baseline "

memories you have. That should help.

I do have one slightly different view, though. My husband's family includes a

lot of cousins (his generation) who have their own grown kids, and all seem to

be normal, accomplished, fun people. I enjoy seeing them, but because it's

cousin-level (rather than sibling level) there aren't a lot of family meeting

opportunities. HOWEVER - my brother-in-law's family is a horror show. We're

talking jail records, lots of chaos, and huge problems due to their consistently

disastrous life choices. It's not my imagination, it's not BPD, and I'm not

crazy to want to avoid them. Any family gathering that includes the cousins has

to include this bunch, so I have to navigate around them to get to the " normal "

cousins, and I've felt I had to explain that our nuclear family is NOT like the

in-laws in any way. I have also refused to let my son be in the in-law's

company without close supervision, and that has kept me in hot water with my

husband, who wonders why I don't just " get over it. " If it were one occurrence,

with one person, I'd get over it. But this is ongoing and shows no signs of

ending.

So what does this have to do with your situation? Just this one small caveat:

if you meet your relatives with an open mind, you'll probably find that they're

wonderful people. It's also possible that some of them are jerks or scoundrels,

and that Nada had a valid reason for disliking those individuals. So just like

meeting any other group of new people, you can keep your radar up for them, too.

By the way - even though you didn't have the best relationship with your

grandmother, I'm sorry for the circumstances.

> >>

> >>> Yesterday my Nada's mother died. Whenever my grandmother was white, she

> >> was in our lives and praised and I enjoyed her in my life. Whenever she was

> >> black, which was more often, she was cursed and I heard all these horrific

> >> stories of stab wounds she inflicted and more such horrendous abuses. I do

> >> believe that my alcoholic grandmother was abusive, but she also showed BPD

> >> traits. My feelings about her death and the death of the chance of a real

> >> relationship with a grandmother are mixed today. I feel like it's a

> >> foreshadowing of when my mother dies.

> >>>

> >>> Needless to say, my mother's immediate family was incredibly messed up,

> >> even if only in her head. That resulted in a lack of family contact for my

> >> sister and I growing up with all of my uncles and cousins, and

grandparents.

> >> (I was estranged growing up from my other side of the family as well due to

> >> my mother's control of me and hatred of my father).

> >>>

> >>> Because of facebook, I've recently begun surface contact with my cousins,

> >> the first of any contact in over 10 years. It turns out all of us are

> >> craving to know each other, yet scared of each of our parent's rage at such

> >> a " betrayal. " But the youngest has just turned 18 and we are all feeling

> >> empowered by so called adulthood.

> >>>

> >>> So my sister and I are going to travel to the funeral, not so much to say

> >> goodbye to my grandmother, but in hopes of taking advantage of the first

> >> time to get to know my cousins out of the shadow of bpd. The only one left

> >> alive is one uncle and my nada is definitely not going.

> >>>

> >>> Here's the but. Nada is ENRAGED at the thought of us going. She is

> >> forbidding us as the witch, then pleading with us as the waif, not to

> >> interract w/t he cousins. I can't pin it. She talks about how abusive they

> >> are to her (w/ no examples of course), is she afraid we'll all bash her (a

> >> common fear of hers), or I'll find out the " truth " about her behavior w/

the

> >> family? I can't pin why she is putting ALL her energy and what would have

> >> been odd grief into this.

> >>>

> >>> What do I do? When we get into a conflict like this, I tell her I won't

> >> discuss it further (which she never agrees to) and then I go NC for a

while.

> >> But I feel too guilty to do that right after her mom died. Here's an

example

> >> of the exchange, " You wouldn't dare go to her funeral!? That would be an

> >> endorsement of her abuse!?? If you are going to pay respects, you would fly

> >> to see ME!! Don't send the funeral flowers, send ME flowers! Please don't

> >> talk to your cousins, don't dare talk to your cousins! They abused me! You

> >> need to stand up for your mother! I need someone to stand up for me,

against

> >> the abusers, how could you betray me like this? "

> >>>

> >>> How do I handle this?

> >>>

> >>> (btw, just writing this makes it seem all the more absurd)

> >>>

> >>> THANK YOU IN ADVANCE! This is a crazy time. I'm stressed already with

> >> what my cousins might think of me if they think my mom is any reflection of

> >> me!

> >>>

> >>>

> >>

> >>

[Guest guest]

Go 'noles,

I'm so glad your nada didn't come to your wedding. Honestly, my wedding is a

very painful memory for me. My nada was sweet to everyone else and took every

opportunity to whisper nasty things to me. It's also a wonderful memory because

of my husband...

Ellie and Corinne,

I definitely think you guys should connect with your families! Especially if

you find some validation that's great. you are not betraying your nada. Just

one itty bitty warning. When I started to try to reconnect with some of my

extended family--I barely knew people on both sides, I initially began to wonder

if my nada was full of it about everybody. I trusted too easily. I found a lot

of blindness/unwillingness to see (not that I felt I needed to have " truth about

nada conversations " , but I got a lot of " you need to understand your mother "

comments and interventions because of untrue stories about me nada had told)

from the nice ones, and I found out that the uncle my nada particularly hated

was not being bad mouthed. I think he's a narcissist. I got a little hurt

during that one. I think some of my too easy trust was being young and hurt and

looking for a family. And I did make some good connections. But just go step

by step. Enjoy them, but

take your time getting to know them.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Fri, March 12, 2010 7:46:13 PM

Subject: Re: Trying to reunite family in spite of Nada?

OH ELLIE! I feel like I'm reading one of my own posts from two years ago!

I actually suggest you search the yahoo board on the site under the term

" wedding " (I did) and you'll find SO many similar experiences.

I grew up with my nada threatening me that she would never go to my wedding

if my father was there, so in the fog I grew up certain that well, I'll

never get married then (because that was the logical solution?)

In the end, I invited my entire dad's family, none of which I knew because

of her, and she didn't show up in protest. I had no family from her side

because she was estranged from them too! It was such a blessing her not

showing up. I went NC for two years over the fight she put over how the

invitation was worded (my father's above hers) and it opened the door for me

to have a relationship with my dad and his family.

It's been 2+ years and I'm so much happier. Getting a taste of a real

family on my dad's side is the only reason I'm seeking it with my cousins.

Congratulations on having a second celebration and congratulations on your

marriage! A mother should celebrate it too, not make it about her. (My

then therapist had said that BPD gets out of control during weddings because

they see your commitment to your spouse as abandonment of them).

>

>

> I am in almost the EXACT same situation right now.

>

> It is what prompted me to join this group, though trying to type it out, as

> you say, feels both ridiculous - and at the same time it totally terrifies

> me (what if she reads it somehow?!). (BTW, I have been lurking around for a

> while - I'm Ellie.)

>

> It isn't a funeral in my case; it's my own wedding - I got married last

> summer but couldn't have anyone from my father's family there because nada

> is so filled with anger towards them (the abusers) - so my husband and I are

> planning a second celebration for this fall with dad's side, almost all of

> whom I was totally estranged from as a child but I'm trying to figure out

> what I want my adult family to look like... Anyway, she doesn't know about

> the celebration itself, just that I'm in touch with my father again. One

> morning last week I woke up to 18 emails, all saying roughly what yours

> says. When I stopped responding I received one that said " we will discuss

> this further when I see you this spring " - as if I am twelve and she will

> lay down the law and I will blindly accept it.

>

> The thing is, terrified as I am, this is about constructing a healthier

> version of family. It isn't right that you don't get to experience your

> family because of ONE family member. Lately I'm feeling this quite acutely -

> not only was my father's family not invited to wedding #1, but only one of

> my aunts from nada's side of the family bothered to attend. All told, out of

> the 100 people present at our ceremony, only 7 came for me. It made me

> realize how isolated my sisters and I had been, and made me want to fix this

> in some way... and who knows if it will work, but it's worth a try.

>

> My nada is furious that I'm speaking to my father in part because she

> doesn't want me to hear his side of the story (because he " cuts her down "

> and " makes her less than she is " ). But it isn't just about getting his

> " side " of the story, it is also about validation - that someone else

> understands what was going on. Not to mention that I want my children to

> experience a richer, more diverse, more extended family than I ever was able

> to.

>

> Anyway, this is all to say, GO. You go to your funeral, and I'll pull

> together my secret second wedding, and I sincerely hope we'll be better off

> for it. Your own behavior will demonstrate who you are to your cousins, and

> hopefully you'll find some healthy adult relationships with your relatives -

> relationships that are separate from your nada.

>

> Ellie

>

>

>

>

> > Yesterday my Nada's mother died. Whenever my grandmother was white, she

> was in our lives and praised and I enjoyed her in my life. Whenever she was

> black, which was more often, she was cursed and I heard all these horrific

> stories of stab wounds she inflicted and more such horrendous abuses. I do

> believe that my alcoholic grandmother was abusive, but she also showed BPD

> traits. My feelings about her death and the death of the chance of a real

> relationship with a grandmother are mixed today. I feel like it's a

> foreshadowing of when my mother dies.

> >

> > Needless to say, my mother's immediate family was incredibly messed up,

> even if only in her head. That resulted in a lack of family contact for my

> sister and I growing up with all of my uncles and cousins, and grandparents.

> (I was estranged growing up from my other side of the family as well due to

> my mother's control of me and hatred of my father).

> >

> > Because of facebook, I've recently begun surface contact with my cousins,

> the first of any contact in over 10 years. It turns out all of us are

> craving to know each other, yet scared of each of our parent's rage at such

> a " betrayal. " But the youngest has just turned 18 and we are all feeling

> empowered by so called adulthood.

> >

> > So my sister and I are going to travel to the funeral, not so much to say

> goodbye to my grandmother, but in hopes of taking advantage of the first

> time to get to know my cousins out of the shadow of bpd. The only one left

> alive is one uncle and my nada is definitely not going.

> >

> > Here's the but. Nada is ENRAGED at the thought of us going. She is

> forbidding us as the witch, then pleading with us as the waif, not to

> interract w/t he cousins. I can't pin it. She talks about how abusive they

> are to her (w/ no examples of course), is she afraid we'll all bash her (a

> common fear of hers), or I'll find out the " truth " about her behavior w/ the

> family? I can't pin why she is putting ALL her energy and what would have

> been odd grief into this.

> >

> > What do I do? When we get into a conflict like this, I tell her I won't

> discuss it further (which she never agrees to) and then I go NC for a while.

> But I feel too guilty to do that right after her mom died. Here's an example

> of the exchange, " You wouldn't dare go to her funeral!? That would be an

> endorsement of her abuse!?? If you are going to pay respects, you would fly

> to see ME!! Don't send the funeral flowers, send ME flowers! Please don't

> talk to your cousins, don't dare talk to your cousins! They abused me! You

> need to stand up for your mother! I need someone to stand up for me, against

> the abusers, how could you betray me like this? "

> >

> > How do I handle this?

> >

> > (btw, just writing this makes it seem all the more absurd)

> >

> > THANK YOU IN ADVANCE! This is a crazy time. I'm stressed already with

> what my cousins might think of me if they think my mom is any reflection of

> me!

> >

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

Shirleyspawn I can relate to this as well. I never met my Grand parents on my

Father's side but I did meet an Aunt and she was nuttier than my BPD Father. I

mean extremely nutty, there's spirits in the walls nutty! And my cousin who was

raised by her is as mean as they come so shoot it must of been genetic! We were

never allowed to speak to any of these people and my BPD Father found reasons to

put other family friends, as well as my Mom's brother, out of our life as well.

In fact, when my Grandpa on Mom's side died, my BDP Father made a big deal out

of which bedroom they took first and instead of staying with Grandma we had to

go to a motel. My doormat mom was devistated but she allowed it and off we went

to the motel. He created chaos and ugliness at every occasion.

My challenge now is to know when not to ignore bad behavior. I just don't seem

to have a good meter for judgement.

> > >>

> > >>> Yesterday my Nada's mother died. Whenever my grandmother was white, she

> > >> was in our lives and praised and I enjoyed her in my life. Whenever she

was

> > >> black, which was more often, she was cursed and I heard all these

horrific

> > >> stories of stab wounds she inflicted and more such horrendous abuses. I

do

> > >> believe that my alcoholic grandmother was abusive, but she also showed

BPD

> > >> traits. My feelings about her death and the death of the chance of a real

> > >> relationship with a grandmother are mixed today. I feel like it's a

> > >> foreshadowing of when my mother dies.

> > >>>

> > >>> Needless to say, my mother's immediate family was incredibly messed up,

> > >> even if only in her head. That resulted in a lack of family contact for

my

> > >> sister and I growing up with all of my uncles and cousins, and

grandparents.

> > >> (I was estranged growing up from my other side of the family as well due

to

> > >> my mother's control of me and hatred of my father).

> > >>>

> > >>> Because of facebook, I've recently begun surface contact with my

cousins,

> > >> the first of any contact in over 10 years. It turns out all of us are

> > >> craving to know each other, yet scared of each of our parent's rage at

such

> > >> a " betrayal. " But the youngest has just turned 18 and we are all feeling

> > >> empowered by so called adulthood.

> > >>>

> > >>> So my sister and I are going to travel to the funeral, not so much to

say

> > >> goodbye to my grandmother, but in hopes of taking advantage of the first

> > >> time to get to know my cousins out of the shadow of bpd. The only one

left

> > >> alive is one uncle and my nada is definitely not going.

> > >>>

> > >>> Here's the but. Nada is ENRAGED at the thought of us going. She is

> > >> forbidding us as the witch, then pleading with us as the waif, not to

> > >> interract w/t he cousins. I can't pin it. She talks about how abusive

they

> > >> are to her (w/ no examples of course), is she afraid we'll all bash her

(a

> > >> common fear of hers), or I'll find out the " truth " about her behavior w/

the

> > >> family? I can't pin why she is putting ALL her energy and what would have

> > >> been odd grief into this.

> > >>>

> > >>> What do I do? When we get into a conflict like this, I tell her I won't

> > >> discuss it further (which she never agrees to) and then I go NC for a

while.

> > >> But I feel too guilty to do that right after her mom died. Here's an

example

> > >> of the exchange, " You wouldn't dare go to her funeral!? That would be an

> > >> endorsement of her abuse!?? If you are going to pay respects, you would

fly

> > >> to see ME!! Don't send the funeral flowers, send ME flowers! Please don't

> > >> talk to your cousins, don't dare talk to your cousins! They abused me!

You

> > >> need to stand up for your mother! I need someone to stand up for me,

against

> > >> the abusers, how could you betray me like this? "

> > >>>

> > >>> How do I handle this?

> > >>>

> > >>> (btw, just writing this makes it seem all the more absurd)

> > >>>

> > >>> THANK YOU IN ADVANCE! This is a crazy time. I'm stressed already with

> > >> what my cousins might think of me if they think my mom is any reflection

of

> > >> me!

> > >>>

> > >>>

> > >>

> > >>