Thanks for the help,

May 1, 2005

Hi ,

You don't know me, but I used to post with the forum before you

joined the group. I no longer post because of an incident where I

felt was being attacked and I spoke up, and then of coarse I was

attacked. At that time, I was just coming out of a severe depressive

episode over a terrible situation with my daughter (27-year-old

addict and BPD). I was doing everything in my power to heal

(therapy, Al-anon, reading about BPD, doing the BPD workbook, and

posting on the forum). I chose to quit posting because I just

couldn't have stress in my life. BUT...I have continued to read the

posts everyday – and…chuckle.

I have been VERY impressed with you and the way you have handled

yourself on this site. First of all, you are the mother of a BPD and

so you BELONG here! You need to be able to talk about your BPD, in

order to be the best you can be for your daughter. Just as I need to

be able to talk about my depression in order to be the best I can be

for my daughter. Understanding who we are is how we become stronger

emotionally. We need to be able to vent and we need to be able to

talk about what we are thinking. That, too, is how we heal and

decide how we want to handle situations. Few come to this site

already secure with who they are and how they are handling their

BPD. Some of us come here when we are a pancake on the floor and

need some place to be heard so that we can get the strength to pick

ourselves up and continue on. We get better by seeing others

successes and failures. And we each get better at our own pace.

Sometimes it takes hearing something over and over, before we are

willing to try it. Sometimes, we can be frozen by grief when we

realize that in order for us to survive, we might have to alienate

ourselves from our BPD. Being frozen with that grief sometimes

renders us unable to do anything healthy for ourselves. In time, as

we heal we slowly find ways to get better. It is by asking

questions, sometimes LOTS of questions, that we are able to finally

grasp what we don't want to know…that we have to take action –

perhaps painful action, in order to survive.

I decided to post today, because I, for one, want you to know that I

have gained tremendous hope for my daughter because of what you have

shared about how far you've come. From your postings, addiction and

BPD took you down into a dark, dark pit. To see how you have pulled

YOURSELF up and changed gives me hope for my daughter. Because of my

daughter's long time addiction (she is 27 and has been an addict for

10 years) and undiagnosed BPD, often I find myself without hope for

her situation to improve. It's when I hear of others who have made

mistakes and suffered from them that I can allow myself to have a

little bit of hope for my daughter's future.

When you talk about your mother, it brings tears to my eyes! My

relationship with my daughter had devastated me. She is extremely

abusive (verbally) and of coarse, manipulative. I was enmeshed with

her in a very unhealthy way. I chose to stop having a relationship

with my daughter 4 months ago (I'd never done that before - I've

ALWAYS been right by her side through everything she's been through -

and it's been ALOT - jails, hospitals, psyche ward and on and on).

She has just completed rehab (for the 3rd time) and is now asking to

have a relationship with me. Yes, she is clean and sober – BUT, she

is STILL undiagnosed and UNTREATED BPD. I am able to consider having

a relationship now, only because during the past 4 months when I was

not having any communication with her, I did LOTS of work on myself.

I am now able to begin setting boundaries. I can separate what is

her stuff, from what is mine. BUT...when I hear you talk about your

mom with such love, it gives me hope that my daughter will see me

that way again someday. For quite some time now, she has blamed me

for her problems.

I, also, want to commend you for the way you have responded to all

that's gone on here the past few days. You have demonstrated much

strength and emotional health by consistently responding in a mature,

and sensible manner. You are a STRONG woman! I admire you! I hope

you will continue to share here, because I have gained hope from

you ...and hope is something that I really need! Even if I don't

post, I still read what goes on here...take care, and stay strong!

La Nell

May 1, 2005

LaNell

I don't think anyone could have put it more clearly what this group does for

people. I would think that after reading your 2 posts that Nodnarb and

Itsalison should have no reservations whatsoever about the degree of support

they

can expect here.

It is so good to hear that you are doing so well. I have missed your posts

as I'm sure many others have. You were always able to offer such good advice

and insight.

Please keep posting. I think this site is headed in a more positive

direction.

Jean

May 1, 2005

You made me cry...thank you. Yeah I feel there are a few attackers here, but

over look them, you need help too...just as I need help...everybody that suffers

from depression or a personality disorder, already has trouble being a parent,

and then throw a BPD child on them and all he** breaks loose, it puts you deeper

into depression and guilt....I know...you sit there and beat yourself over the

head, going " What could I have done different....why?! why me?! " And you are so

right about being understanding who we are.....and it helping us. That is the

only way I can really help my daughter...is by understanding who I am first...I

have to be stable to help her. LaNell, never give up, there is always hope and

I send you HUGS! Cause you like other parents here, need even more so a shoulder

to cry on...depression is not easy to deal with...I know. And you know

what...you sound like a good mom, so one day when your daughter does come around

(which I will pray for you that she does) she

will so regret, like i do, how she done her mom....because a mom is God's gift

to the children....they understand more than anybody else, and especially like

my mom (cause my dad was gone 2 weeks out of the month) she was the backbone and

strength....

But, if all this continues on here and you are uncomfortable talking to me on

here....you are more than welcome to email me offlist....

But there is always hope...for without hope there would be nothing....

teh2245 wrote: