Feel such a wave of grief

[Guest guest]

Most of the time I do ok, but yesterday I was home from work and told my mother

I was working from home--b/c if she doesn't hear from me first thing, she will

freak and call everywhere, come over, or worse, call the police. I told her I

was working from home so she wouldn't suggest we have lunch together or

something like that.

So my husband tells me he saw her in town and gave her a ride home. I called her

later to tell her I got her some waters that were on sale (I debated whether to

get them; if I get them, I thought, she'll put on her martyr/waif voice to thank

me and insist on paying me; in the end, I decided to get them just b/c I know

how heavy they are. I'm such a sap.)

She took the opportunity to grill me...why is your husband driving around? Did

you get your " work " done? I called you last night. You never pick up. You and

your brother can't be bothered to pick up the phone when I call...blah blah

blah.... "

And that's when the wave hit me. I'm just so sad at all the energy I have

wasted/spent/invested in this woman from my first breath, to please her, to make

her happy. I've finally realized I can't do that and I don't even WANT to

anymore. But even when I try to be nice or pleasant just for the heck of it, she

has to twist it. She has to ruin it.

I have to pick up after the first ring whenever she calls.

I have to read her mail b/c she doesn't know how to read a bill.

I have to give her advice on whether or not she should call her boss when it's

snowing (long story, not worth it).

I just want to have my own life. SHE had her own life. HER mother didn't call

HER every day.

And it's affecting me in other parts of my life. I'm so used to serving her and

doing for her (and for my father when he was alive) and saying what I knew they

wanted me to say or else...that now, I have a very hard time speaking truth.

And by " speaking truth, " I mean saying what I mean instead of what I think

people want me to say. It's how I " roll, " in my marriage, etc. I just say what I

know people want to hear. When I meet new people, I practically become like

them, assimilate to them, their style of speaking, etc., so they'll like me.

It's pathetic.

I thought I knew who I was, but I realize through therapy, I really don't know

who I am or what I want. I just go along with everyone else's plans.

I'm making an effort to be more genuine, but some days I just crawl back into my

shell. Has anyone else experienced this?

I'm just so sad. I know it'll pass.