Controlling Parents/great website

[Guest guest]

I think a link to this website has been posted here before (by Deanna,I believe)

but it's such a good resource I'm posting it again.It has lots of useful

information plus best of all a really well chosen book list (with links for more

info) of recommended reading for a variety of self help books ranging from self

esteem/overcoming abuse to relationships with PDs to reparenting yourself or

bolstering your healthy parenting goals--I think I could put myself into debt

buying up most of these books,they all sound great.

Here's some stuff from the " Controlling Parents " website:

" Estimated Number of Adults in the USA Raised with Unhealthy

Control: 15 Million

Estimated Percentage of Controlling Parents

Who Were Themselves Raised with Unhealthy Control: 50 Percent

In a survey of adults raised with unhealthy control, percentages who said:

As children they felt...

Forbidden to question or disagree with their parents: 90 percent

Pleasing their parents was more important than being themselves: 86 percent

Tense or on guard when their parents were around: 96 percent

That it was not okay to express anger, fear or sadness: 96 percent

Hemmed in and without choices: 96 percent

As adults they...

Feel perfectionistic, driven, or rarely satisfied: 82 percent

Worry or ruminate over confrontations: 96 percent

Are easily angered around controlling people: 91 percent

Feel extra-sensitive to criticism: 91 percent

Feel tense when they think about visiting their parents: 78 percent

Feel that their parents don't really know them as they really are: 91 percent

Feel that it has taken a long time to separate from their parents: 82 percent

In retrospect, their parents...

Seemed unwilling to admit it when they were wrong: 100 percent

Seemed unaware of the pain they caused others: 100 percent

Viewed the world in right-or-wrong, black-and-white terms: 96 percent

Encouraged connections with others outside the family: 14 percent

Encouraged their children to express feelings: 5 percent "

" The Eight Styles of Controlling Parents

& #9642; Smothering

& #9642; Depriving

& #9642; Perfectionistic

& #9642; Cultlike

& #9642; Chaotic

& #9642; Using

& #9642; Abusing

& #9642; Childlike

Nearly all controlling parents embody one or more of the eight " styles " of

controlling parenting. These styles provide a " You Are Here " point on the map of

unhealthy control. Identifying your parents' styles can help you make sense of

what didn't jibe in your family. Remember the series of lenses an eye doctor

alternates before your eyes until you find ones that enable you to see most

clearly? Recognizing your parents' styles offers the right lens that brings into

focus the underlying values and themes with which you were raised. The more

clearly you view your family's themes, the more readily you can become your own

person. You may find elements of one or more of these styles present in either

or both of your parents:

Smothering Terrified of feeling alone, Smothering parents emotionally engulf

their children. Their overbearing presence discourages independence and

cultivates a tyranny of repetition in their children's identities, thoughts and

feelings.

Depriving Convinced they will never get enough of what they need, Depriving

parents withhold attention and encouragement from their children. They love

conditionally, giving affection when a child pleases them, withdrawing it when

displeased.

Perfectionistic Paranoid about flaws, Perfectionistic parents drive their

children to be the best and the brightest. These parents fixate on order,

prestige, power and/or perfect appearances.

Cultlike Distressed by uncertainty, Cultlike parents have to be " in the know, "

and often gravitate to military, religious, social or corporate institutions or

philosophies where they can feel special and certain. They raise their children

according to rigid rules and roles.

Chaotic Caught up in an internal cyclone of instability and confusion, Chaotic

parents tend toward mercurial moods, radically inconsistent discipline, and

bewildering communication.

Using Determined never to lose or feel one-down, Using parents emotionally feed

off their children. Hypersensitive and self-centered, Using parents see others'

gains as their loss, and consequently belittle their children.

Abusing Perched atop a volcano of resentment, Abusing parents verbally or

emotionally bully — or physically or sexually abuse — their children. When

they're enraged, Abusing parents view their children as threats and treat them

accordingly.

Childlike Feeling incapable or needy, Childlike parents offer their children

little protection. Childlike parents, woefully uncomfortable with themselves,

encourage their children to take care of them, thereby controlling through

role-reversal. "

The link to the website:

http://www.controllingparents.com/stylesof.htm

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