Re: Feel such a wave of grief

[Guest guest]

I'm so sorry you are going through a grief-wave.

I understand. No matter how far I get in this process, those waves still come

up.

When they hit, I know they are part of the healing process, and I know they seem

to build my resolve to stand stronger, and I know they SHOULD be here, because

of the huge amounts of loss I've experienced as a non.

Doesn't make the grief feel any better, though. Still hurts like hell.

I hope this one passes for you soon.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> Most of the time I do ok, but yesterday I was home from work and told my

mother I was working from home--b/c if she doesn't hear from me first thing, she

will freak and call everywhere, come over, or worse, call the police. I told her

I was working from home so she wouldn't suggest we have lunch together or

something like that.

>

> So my husband tells me he saw her in town and gave her a ride home. I called

her later to tell her I got her some waters that were on sale (I debated whether

to get them; if I get them, I thought, she'll put on her martyr/waif voice to

thank me and insist on paying me; in the end, I decided to get them just b/c I

know how heavy they are. I'm such a sap.)

>

> She took the opportunity to grill me...why is your husband driving around? Did

you get your " work " done? I called you last night. You never pick up. You and

your brother can't be bothered to pick up the phone when I call...blah blah

blah.... "

>

> And that's when the wave hit me. I'm just so sad at all the energy I have

wasted/spent/invested in this woman from my first breath, to please her, to make

her happy. I've finally realized I can't do that and I don't even WANT to

anymore. But even when I try to be nice or pleasant just for the heck of it, she

has to twist it. She has to ruin it.

>

> I have to pick up after the first ring whenever she calls.

> I have to read her mail b/c she doesn't know how to read a bill.

> I have to give her advice on whether or not she should call her boss when it's

snowing (long story, not worth it).

>

> I just want to have my own life. SHE had her own life. HER mother didn't call

HER every day.

>

> And it's affecting me in other parts of my life. I'm so used to serving her

and doing for her (and for my father when he was alive) and saying what I knew

they wanted me to say or else...that now, I have a very hard time speaking

truth.

>

> And by " speaking truth, " I mean saying what I mean instead of what I think

people want me to say. It's how I " roll, " in my marriage, etc. I just say what I

know people want to hear. When I meet new people, I practically become like

them, assimilate to them, their style of speaking, etc., so they'll like me.

It's pathetic.

>

> I thought I knew who I was, but I realize through therapy, I really don't know

who I am or what I want. I just go along with everyone else's plans.

>

> I'm making an effort to be more genuine, but some days I just crawl back into

my shell. Has anyone else experienced this?

>

> I'm just so sad. I know it'll pass.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Fiona,

I hope that you will continue to gain more awareness of how your relationship

with your pd mother is actually very unhealthy and abnormal, and detrimental to

your mental and physical health.

You have been conditioned from birth by your pd mom to be her " parent " , seems to

me, and trained to put her needs and feelings and happiness first. That was so

wrong of her to do that, to brainwash you to effectively shackle and submerge

your own personality and individuality so that you would never leave her and

live to serve her.

Continuing therapy can help you undo those decades of brainwashing, and help you

realize that its OK to set boundaries with your personality disordered mother,

and learn how to set boundaries with her and give hard consequences for her

hyper-extreme reactions to your boundaries (such as even less contact with you,

like a " time out " for a toddler.)

The bad news is that as you start to set firm boundaries, her bad behaviors are

pretty much guaranteed to escalate. But if you keep your boundaries and do not

cave in, she will eventually learn that threats and histrionics will not get her

anywhere.

I'm betting that the less contact you have with your pd mother, the more you

will begin to realize " who you are " and what you actually like to do and to be

involved with. I'm betting that your sadness/depression will lift, and you will

begin to experience more joy in life, like a prisoner suddenly finding herself

outside the dungeon and looking at a sky with no iron bars obscuring it.

Just keep reminding yourself that you are not a bad person or a bad daughter to

want to have your own life; that is every human being's right, and if your

mother were mentally healthy that is what she would want for you, too.

-Annie

>

> Most of the time I do ok, but yesterday I was home from work and told my

mother I was working from home--b/c if she doesn't hear from me first thing, she

will freak and call everywhere, come over, or worse, call the police. I told her

I was working from home so she wouldn't suggest we have lunch together or

something like that.

>

> So my husband tells me he saw her in town and gave her a ride home. I called

her later to tell her I got her some waters that were on sale (I debated whether

to get them; if I get them, I thought, she'll put on her martyr/waif voice to

thank me and insist on paying me; in the end, I decided to get them just b/c I

know how heavy they are. I'm such a sap.)

>

> She took the opportunity to grill me...why is your husband driving around? Did

you get your " work " done? I called you last night. You never pick up. You and

your brother can't be bothered to pick up the phone when I call...blah blah

blah.... "

>

> And that's when the wave hit me. I'm just so sad at all the energy I have

wasted/spent/invested in this woman from my first breath, to please her, to make

her happy. I've finally realized I can't do that and I don't even WANT to

anymore. But even when I try to be nice or pleasant just for the heck of it, she

has to twist it. She has to ruin it.

>

> I have to pick up after the first ring whenever she calls.

> I have to read her mail b/c she doesn't know how to read a bill.

> I have to give her advice on whether or not she should call her boss when it's

snowing (long story, not worth it).

>

> I just want to have my own life. SHE had her own life. HER mother didn't call

HER every day.

>

> And it's affecting me in other parts of my life. I'm so used to serving her

and doing for her (and for my father when he was alive) and saying what I knew

they wanted me to say or else...that now, I have a very hard time speaking

truth.

>

> And by " speaking truth, " I mean saying what I mean instead of what I think

people want me to say. It's how I " roll, " in my marriage, etc. I just say what I

know people want to hear. When I meet new people, I practically become like

them, assimilate to them, their style of speaking, etc., so they'll like me.

It's pathetic.

>

> I thought I knew who I was, but I realize through therapy, I really don't know

who I am or what I want. I just go along with everyone else's plans.

>

> I'm making an effort to be more genuine, but some days I just crawl back into

my shell. Has anyone else experienced this?

>

> I'm just so sad. I know it'll pass.

>

[Guest guest]

What you wrote, Fiona, about assimilating to other people to befriend them

really really struck home with me. It is something I have noticed about myself

but never really articulated much.

I know much of it comes from nada...growing up, my favorite colors or music or

TV shows were the ones I knew she wanted me to like, HER favorites.

My therapist asked me to list my favorite items in any category a few years ago

and I couldn't. I truly didn't know my favorites. Part of it was a committment

issue, part of it was fear of judgement from the world, part of it was just not

knowing myself enough to know what my favorites really were.

It's hard...I finally can tell my friends that I don't like horror movies even

if those are their favorites, or tell a friend I don't like her favorite TV

show, and so on. I mean, I do think part of life is sometimes bending for the

people we love, you know? But there has to be a reciprocity to it...I have a

friend that loves a local Irish band, so I'll go see them play with her even

though I could take them or leave them. And I know she goes to see certain

movies with me even though she isn't particularly intrigued by those movies.

Give and take, not sublimation.

I think part of all of this, too, goes to a subject also recently brought up

here: That is, we all grew up (okay, most of us) depending on the opinions and

moods of someone else to tell us who we were that day. It kind of makes sense

that we'd sublimate self or personal preferences (to the point of not having or

not knowing them) out in the world in order to preserve a positive image with

other people...because that means safety.

Ninera

>

> Subject: Feel such a wave of grief

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Date: Thursday, March 4, 2010, 1:58 PM

> Most of the time I do ok, but

> yesterday I was home from work and told my mother I was

> working from home--b/c if she doesn't hear from me first

> thing, she will freak and call everywhere, come over, or

> worse, call the police. I told her I was working from home

> so she wouldn't suggest we have lunch together or something

> like that.

>

> So my husband tells me he saw her in town and gave her a

> ride home. I called her later to tell her I got her some

> waters that were on sale (I debated whether to get them; if

> I get them, I thought, she'll put on her martyr/waif voice

> to thank me and insist on paying me; in the end, I decided

> to get them just b/c I know how heavy they are. I'm such a

> sap.)

>

> She took the opportunity to grill me...why is your husband

> driving around? Did you get your " work " done? I called you

> last night. You never pick up. You and your brother can't be

> bothered to pick up the phone when I call...blah blah

> blah.... "

>

> And that's when the wave hit me. I'm just so sad at all the

> energy I have wasted/spent/invested in this woman from my

> first breath, to please her, to make her happy. I've finally

> realized I can't do that and I don't even WANT to anymore.

> But even when I try to be nice or pleasant just for the heck

> of it, she has to twist it. She has to ruin it.

>

> I have to pick up after the first ring whenever she calls.

> I have to read her mail b/c she doesn't know how to read a

> bill.

> I have to give her advice on whether or not she should call

> her boss when it's snowing (long story, not worth it).

>

> I just want to have my own life. SHE had her own life. HER

> mother didn't call HER every day.

>

> And it's affecting me in other parts of my life. I'm so

> used to serving her and doing for her (and for my father

> when he was alive) and saying what I knew they wanted me to

> say or else...that now, I have a very hard time speaking

> truth.

>

> And by " speaking truth, " I mean saying what I mean instead

> of what I think people want me to say. It's how I " roll, " in

> my marriage, etc. I just say what I know people want to

> hear. When I meet new people, I practically become like

> them, assimilate to them, their style of speaking, etc., so

> they'll like me. It's pathetic.

>

> I thought I knew who I was, but I realize through therapy,

> I really don't know who I am or what I want. I just go along

> with everyone else's plans.

>

> I'm making an effort to be more genuine, but some days I

> just crawl back into my shell. Has anyone else experienced

> this?

>

> I'm just so sad. I know it'll pass.

>

>

>      

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @....

> SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE

> GROUP.

>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call

> 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to

> “Understanding the Borderline Mother†(Lawson) and

> “Surviving the Borderline Parent,†(Roth) which you can

> find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community

> and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

Hi Ninera,

Thanks for sharing in your email.

For me, my lack of " identity " comes out mostly in the way the other person

carries themselves. It sounds weird, but if the other person is cursing/slouchy,

I drift that way as well. I've just recently caught myself doing it and am now

conscious of it. It's definitely not something overtly obvious. It's very, very

gradual. If the other person is refined, I catch myself sitting like them, etc.

It's WEIRD.

My therapist asked me what do YOU want to do with your life; I simply did not

have an answer. I'm used to being told what to do, where to go, what time to get

there. I told my husband a word picture about our lives: our life together is a

bus; he is driving it and I am sitting in a seat behind him, not even next to

him. I'm looking out the window, watching the scenery go by. As he pointed out

to me, that's not really his fault or doing. He is constantly encouraging me to

go out, do stuff, be with friends, choose SOMETHING to do or be and he'll

support me. I just don't know where to start.

Another word picture my friend gave me years ago. She said that I was like a

bird that had been caged up all its life. Finally, the cage door was opened, I

come out, look around....and go back in and sit. She told me that years and

years ago, before I was aware of my personality, my parents' disorders, etc. But

I remembered it recently and can't get over how true it is.

That is how I have felt all of my life. And my personality is such that I have

been satisfied, content with that. But I'm not anymore. I feel like I am so

ready and eager to BE, but I need to know me first.

Thanks for listening, everyone.

Fiona.

>

> >

> > Subject: Feel such a wave of grief

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > Date: Thursday, March 4, 2010, 1:58 PM

> > Most of the time I do ok, but

> > yesterday I was home from work and told my mother I was

> > working from home--b/c if she doesn't hear from me first

> > thing, she will freak and call everywhere, come over, or

> > worse, call the police. I told her I was working from home

> > so she wouldn't suggest we have lunch together or something

> > like that.

> >

> > So my husband tells me he saw her in town and gave her a

> > ride home. I called her later to tell her I got her some

> > waters that were on sale (I debated whether to get them; if

> > I get them, I thought, she'll put on her martyr/waif voice

> > to thank me and insist on paying me; in the end, I decided

> > to get them just b/c I know how heavy they are. I'm such a

> > sap.)

> >

> > She took the opportunity to grill me...why is your husband

> > driving around? Did you get your " work " done? I called you

> > last night. You never pick up. You and your brother can't be

> > bothered to pick up the phone when I call...blah blah

> > blah.... "

> >

> > And that's when the wave hit me. I'm just so sad at all the

> > energy I have wasted/spent/invested in this woman from my

> > first breath, to please her, to make her happy. I've finally

> > realized I can't do that and I don't even WANT to anymore.

> > But even when I try to be nice or pleasant just for the heck

> > of it, she has to twist it. She has to ruin it.

> >

> > I have to pick up after the first ring whenever she calls.

> > I have to read her mail b/c she doesn't know how to read a

> > bill.

> > I have to give her advice on whether or not she should call

> > her boss when it's snowing (long story, not worth it).

> >

> > I just want to have my own life. SHE had her own life. HER

> > mother didn't call HER every day.

> >

> > And it's affecting me in other parts of my life. I'm so

> > used to serving her and doing for her (and for my father

> > when he was alive) and saying what I knew they wanted me to

> > say or else...that now, I have a very hard time speaking

> > truth.

> >

> > And by " speaking truth, " I mean saying what I mean instead

> > of what I think people want me to say. It's how I " roll, " in

> > my marriage, etc. I just say what I know people want to

> > hear. When I meet new people, I practically become like

> > them, assimilate to them, their style of speaking, etc., so

> > they'll like me. It's pathetic.

> >

> > I thought I knew who I was, but I realize through therapy,

> > I really don't know who I am or what I want. I just go along

> > with everyone else's plans.

> >

> > I'm making an effort to be more genuine, but some days I

> > just crawl back into my shell. Has anyone else experienced

> > this?

> >

> > I'm just so sad. I know it'll pass.

> >

> >

> >      

> >

> >

> >

> > ------------------------------------

> >

> > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @...

> > SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE

> > GROUP.

> >

> > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call

> > 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to

> > “Understanding the Borderline Mother†(Lawson) and

> > “Surviving the Borderline Parent,†(Roth) which you can

> > find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

> >

> > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community

> > and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

((((((Finoa))))))

That is a great analogy, the caged bird that has never known freedom, doesn't

know what to do with it, and hops back inside the cage because it feels

familiar.

In human terms, its called becoming " institutionalized. " Its what happens to

people who have been in jail for most of their lives, starting very young; when

they finally get out of prison they sometimes will deliberately commit a crime

just to be sent back, because prison life is all they know; the outside world

and freedom are too strange and overwhelming. The restricted but familiar and

structured environment they have always known *feels safer* than startlingly

unfamiliar freedom and the burden of personal responsibility.

I suppose it could also be the situation when a person is raised in a religious

cult that controls every aspect of life; never being allowed to make an

independent decision, even being told who to marry, etc. Suddenly finding

oneself on the " outside " of the cult would very likely seem frightening and

overwhelming because the individual has had zero experience making any personal

decisions about anything.

In a way, a dysfunctional family such as you and I and the others here grew up

in is like a mini-cult, with the bpd head of the family as the Supreme Leader

Who Must Be Obeyed.

I wonder if it would help you to make a list, starting with the things you know

for sure that you absolutely do NOT like. Maybe its easier to start with that,

like " I really hate having a root canal procedure. "

Then make another list of things that you're not sure whether you like them or

not, like " snow skiing? " " cooking? " " watching football games? " " nature

photography? " Then you make your last list of things that you are sure that you

like: " cuddling with my husband " , etc. And then add to or revise the lists as

things occur to you. " Yes, I do like cooking, and I think I would like to learn

how to make pastry too. "

Best of luck with getting to know your true self, the original version of you

that was locked in the cage so long ago. I feel sure you will try your wings

before too long.

-Annie

>

> Hi Ninera,

>

> Thanks for sharing in your email.

> For me, my lack of " identity " comes out mostly in the way the other person

carries themselves. It sounds weird, but if the other person is cursing/slouchy,

I drift that way as well. I've just recently caught myself doing it and am now

conscious of it. It's definitely not something overtly obvious. It's very, very

gradual. If the other person is refined, I catch myself sitting like them, etc.

It's WEIRD.

>

> My therapist asked me what do YOU want to do with your life; I simply did not

have an answer. I'm used to being told what to do, where to go, what time to get

there. I told my husband a word picture about our lives: our life together is a

bus; he is driving it and I am sitting in a seat behind him, not even next to

him. I'm looking out the window, watching the scenery go by. As he pointed out

to me, that's not really his fault or doing. He is constantly encouraging me to

go out, do stuff, be with friends, choose SOMETHING to do or be and he'll

support me. I just don't know where to start.

>

> Another word picture my friend gave me years ago. She said that I was like a

bird that had been caged up all its life. Finally, the cage door was opened, I

come out, look around....and go back in and sit. She told me that years and

years ago, before I was aware of my personality, my parents' disorders, etc. But

I remembered it recently and can't get over how true it is.

>

> That is how I have felt all of my life. And my personality is such that I have

been satisfied, content with that. But I'm not anymore. I feel like I am so

ready and eager to BE, but I need to know me first.

>

> Thanks for listening, everyone.

>

> Fiona.

[Guest guest]

Fiona--For what its worth, I see this time of grief as a first step to flying.

Mourning those things that were lost and sitting in the parts of your life that

aren't right isn't wallowing--it is actually one of the most powerful things you

can do as you move forward in living life as " you. " You are clearly defining

what needs to be changed, which is the hardest and MOST PAINFUL part! Staring

at the hard truth sucks, but it is an act of courage and commitment to

***YOU!!!***

If you were still that 100% caged person, you wouldn't even have enough

individuality to mourn what was lost for you. Mourning things on your behalf is

a huge victory in a way, because it is focused on you by you. You are actually

feeling bad for YOU on YOUR behalf, which is huge progress! In the past, I

could only be sad for nada. There was no room or permission to feel anything

for my own behalf. As I feel on my own behalf, that is one of the strongest

ways I can assert my individuality. And once you get this part down, claiming

the other parts of your life will come more naturally.

I'm not trying to be little miss annoying polly sunshine, here. I'm just

honoring where you are and honoring you for doing the hard work of mourning.

This seems to me to be a healthy, strong step. You are asking some really tough

questions of yourself, and showings huge amounts of courage and strength as you

seek answers.

Think about it: this is all about you, baby. 'Bout damned time.

One other quick note: I loved the caged bird symbol. I believe we all grew up

in prison, in a way. Instead of expecting instantaneous flying, could you,

instead, just give yourself permission to take it slowly? One safer-feeling

step at a time? Maybe you could just hang out on a nearby branch for a moment

until that feels more comfortable--the soaring over the trees stuff doesn't have

to come all at once . . .

Blessings,

Karla

> >

> > > From: Fiona <hermitsdaughter@>

> > > Subject: Feel such a wave of grief

> > > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > > Date: Thursday, March 4, 2010, 1:58 PM

> > > Most of the time I do ok, but

> > > yesterday I was home from work and told my mother I was

> > > working from home--b/c if she doesn't hear from me first

> > > thing, she will freak and call everywhere, come over, or

> > > worse, call the police. I told her I was working from home

> > > so she wouldn't suggest we have lunch together or something

> > > like that.

> > >

> > > So my husband tells me he saw her in town and gave her a

> > > ride home. I called her later to tell her I got her some

> > > waters that were on sale (I debated whether to get them; if

> > > I get them, I thought, she'll put on her martyr/waif voice

> > > to thank me and insist on paying me; in the end, I decided

> > > to get them just b/c I know how heavy they are. I'm such a

> > > sap.)

> > >

> > > She took the opportunity to grill me...why is your husband

> > > driving around? Did you get your " work " done? I called you

> > > last night. You never pick up. You and your brother can't be

> > > bothered to pick up the phone when I call...blah blah

> > > blah.... "

> > >

> > > And that's when the wave hit me. I'm just so sad at all the

> > > energy I have wasted/spent/invested in this woman from my

> > > first breath, to please her, to make her happy. I've finally

> > > realized I can't do that and I don't even WANT to anymore.

> > > But even when I try to be nice or pleasant just for the heck

> > > of it, she has to twist it. She has to ruin it.

> > >

> > > I have to pick up after the first ring whenever she calls.

> > > I have to read her mail b/c she doesn't know how to read a

> > > bill.

> > > I have to give her advice on whether or not she should call

> > > her boss when it's snowing (long story, not worth it).

> > >

> > > I just want to have my own life. SHE had her own life. HER

> > > mother didn't call HER every day.

> > >

> > > And it's affecting me in other parts of my life. I'm so

> > > used to serving her and doing for her (and for my father

> > > when he was alive) and saying what I knew they wanted me to

> > > say or else...that now, I have a very hard time speaking

> > > truth.

> > >

> > > And by " speaking truth, " I mean saying what I mean instead

> > > of what I think people want me to say. It's how I " roll, " in

> > > my marriage, etc. I just say what I know people want to

> > > hear. When I meet new people, I practically become like

> > > them, assimilate to them, their style of speaking, etc., so

> > > they'll like me. It's pathetic.

> > >

> > > I thought I knew who I was, but I realize through therapy,

> > > I really don't know who I am or what I want. I just go along

> > > with everyone else's plans.

> > >

> > > I'm making an effort to be more genuine, but some days I

> > > just crawl back into my shell. Has anyone else experienced

> > > this?

> > >

> > > I'm just so sad. I know it'll pass.

> > >

> > >

> > >      

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > ------------------------------------

> > >

> > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @

> > > SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE

> > > GROUP.

> > >

> > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call

> > > 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to

> > > “Understanding the Borderline Mother†(Lawson) and

> > > “Surviving the Borderline Parent,†(Roth) which you can

> > > find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

> > >

> > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community

> > > and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

Annie,

thanks for your great ideas (to make a list of things I don't and do like); it's

funny, I had just mentioned that to my therapist last week but hadn't done it

yet, had put it off. So you've motivated me. I esp like the idea of starting

with what I don't like.

Also--wow--when you called what I experience by its rightful name,

institutionalized, it made me cringe and laugh! That is exactly what I still

experience. I live a stone's throw from NYC....but have never gone there by

myself b/c I'm just too afraid. Too afraid I'll get lost, I'll have no one to

tell me where I'm going, what if someone attacks me, etc. Sigh. As my therapist

says, " you're not helpless, just afraid. " We're taking this one on step by

step. I've bought a map of NYC (can you believe I grew up there and don't know

my way around? I have a feeling though, that I know my way around better than I

think. I'm just so used to others telling me which corner to turn at, where to

cross, etc.).

> >

> > Hi Ninera,

> >

> > Thanks for sharing in your email.

> > For me, my lack of " identity " comes out mostly in the way the other person

carries themselves. It sounds weird, but if the other person is cursing/slouchy,

I drift that way as well. I've just recently caught myself doing it and am now

conscious of it. It's definitely not something overtly obvious. It's very, very

gradual. If the other person is refined, I catch myself sitting like them, etc.

It's WEIRD.

> >

> > My therapist asked me what do YOU want to do with your life; I simply did

not have an answer. I'm used to being told what to do, where to go, what time to

get there. I told my husband a word picture about our lives: our life together

is a bus; he is driving it and I am sitting in a seat behind him, not even next

to him. I'm looking out the window, watching the scenery go by. As he pointed

out to me, that's not really his fault or doing. He is constantly encouraging me

to go out, do stuff, be with friends, choose SOMETHING to do or be and he'll

support me. I just don't know where to start.

> >

> > Another word picture my friend gave me years ago. She said that I was like a

bird that had been caged up all its life. Finally, the cage door was opened, I

come out, look around....and go back in and sit. She told me that years and

years ago, before I was aware of my personality, my parents' disorders, etc. But

I remembered it recently and can't get over how true it is.

> >

> > That is how I have felt all of my life. And my personality is such that I

have been satisfied, content with that. But I'm not anymore. I feel like I am so

ready and eager to BE, but I need to know me first.

> >

> > Thanks for listening, everyone.

> >

> > Fiona.

>

[Guest guest]

" Think about it: this is all about you, baby. 'Bout damned time. "

KARLA--you and Annie have freaked me out! You've both said things my therapist

just said last week. I'm taking this as a sign!! She and I were talking about

something, some situation where I was just interested in how it would affect me

and I jokingly said, " it's all about me, after all! " And she said, " It's about

time! "

I just thought that was so funny...and TRUE, dagnabit!

I think you're right; the grief is incredibly painful. Easier to ignore, but a

step to growth. Thanks for your words; I needed them!!!

I appreciate you all so much. Thanks for listening.

Fiona

> > >

> > > > From: Fiona <hermitsdaughter@>

> > > > Subject: Feel such a wave of grief

> > > > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > > > Date: Thursday, March 4, 2010, 1:58 PM

> > > > Most of the time I do ok, but

> > > > yesterday I was home from work and told my mother I was

> > > > working from home--b/c if she doesn't hear from me first

> > > > thing, she will freak and call everywhere, come over, or

> > > > worse, call the police. I told her I was working from home

> > > > so she wouldn't suggest we have lunch together or something

> > > > like that.

> > > >

> > > > So my husband tells me he saw her in town and gave her a

> > > > ride home. I called her later to tell her I got her some

> > > > waters that were on sale (I debated whether to get them; if

> > > > I get them, I thought, she'll put on her martyr/waif voice

> > > > to thank me and insist on paying me; in the end, I decided

> > > > to get them just b/c I know how heavy they are. I'm such a

> > > > sap.)

> > > >

> > > > She took the opportunity to grill me...why is your husband

> > > > driving around? Did you get your " work " done? I called you

> > > > last night. You never pick up. You and your brother can't be

> > > > bothered to pick up the phone when I call...blah blah

> > > > blah.... "

> > > >

> > > > And that's when the wave hit me. I'm just so sad at all the

> > > > energy I have wasted/spent/invested in this woman from my

> > > > first breath, to please her, to make her happy. I've finally

> > > > realized I can't do that and I don't even WANT to anymore.

> > > > But even when I try to be nice or pleasant just for the heck

> > > > of it, she has to twist it. She has to ruin it.

> > > >

> > > > I have to pick up after the first ring whenever she calls.

> > > > I have to read her mail b/c she doesn't know how to read a

> > > > bill.

> > > > I have to give her advice on whether or not she should call

> > > > her boss when it's snowing (long story, not worth it).

> > > >

> > > > I just want to have my own life. SHE had her own life. HER

> > > > mother didn't call HER every day.

> > > >

> > > > And it's affecting me in other parts of my life. I'm so

> > > > used to serving her and doing for her (and for my father

> > > > when he was alive) and saying what I knew they wanted me to

> > > > say or else...that now, I have a very hard time speaking

> > > > truth.

> > > >

> > > > And by " speaking truth, " I mean saying what I mean instead

> > > > of what I think people want me to say. It's how I " roll, " in

> > > > my marriage, etc. I just say what I know people want to

> > > > hear. When I meet new people, I practically become like

> > > > them, assimilate to them, their style of speaking, etc., so

> > > > they'll like me. It's pathetic.

> > > >

> > > > I thought I knew who I was, but I realize through therapy,

> > > > I really don't know who I am or what I want. I just go along

> > > > with everyone else's plans.

> > > >

> > > > I'm making an effort to be more genuine, but some days I

> > > > just crawl back into my shell. Has anyone else experienced

> > > > this?

> > > >

> > > > I'm just so sad. I know it'll pass.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >      

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > ------------------------------------

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> > > > 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to

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> > > > “Surviving the Borderline Parent,†(Roth) which you can

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> > > >

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