Re: Guilt - what's it all about?

[Guest guest]

So many of the experiences, feelings and thoughts in this thread resonate with

me. It is incredible how the warped land of BPD has no socio-economic, ethnic,

cultural, geographic boundaries. These horrible experiences are shared by all of

us KOs.

My mother has beaten the guilt so far into me and I have unknowingly

internalized it in such a way that it is eating me alive. I have just come to

realize this in the last year.

Whenever something is going well or right in my life, I keep feeling like

something horrible is about to strike. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I

am back in school and last week I had block exams. The Sunday night before my

first exam my older son spiked a fever - no cause, no other symptoms. He has

also had some other minor but worrisome episodes of being unwell over the past.

The rational part of me knows that he is a very strong and healthy boy with no

real health issues. But still, I was up until almost 4 AM just checking on him

and worrying. At one point I thought to myself that maybe some terrible disease

has struck my child to punish me for pursuing my dream career. There I was last

Sunday night, at 3 AM, bargaining with any and all forces of the universe,

agreeing to fail all my exams, to get kicked out of school, as long as my

children would be spared.

It is as if my mother's voice has been implanted in me, telling me what a bad

person I am and how I have failed to make her life perfect and make her dreams

come true, therefore, I don't deserve good things or a good life. I must somehow

be punished...

There are many wounds I have been working on healing over the last few years,

but some are just so deep, so painful and yet so hidden, that I don't know how

long it will take me to become a whole person again (if ever).

Arianna