Re: Friends/Family/Support

[Guest guest]

Molly,

I have to disagree with you. I am slightly offended, but not mad .

You make it sound as if we are talking about going to the Dr's office

to have a hang nail trimmed.

My mother is an ICU nurse,who knows full well that this is medically

necessary and that I am in a great deal of pain NOW. She has taken

care of post op jaw surgery patients. She wouldn't even have to touch

her vacation time because she will be covered under FMLA. I am only

asking for one week of her time. Also, she can manipulate her time

if she chooses and not have to take vacation or FMLA. I would come

home and take care of her if she needed it. That is what families

are for. We are supposed to support one another.

[Guest guest]

I don't mean to trivialize the surgery, only to point out that we

can't expect our families and friends to schedule their lives around

it.

Certainly care for a family member is covered under the FMLA, but

such leave is only available to people who work for employers with 50

or more employees, and it is often unpaid - or, if paid, uses up

vacation time.

I'm glad your mother will be available to you. And I'm glad you're

not mad at me -

mollymcp

> Molly,

>

> I have to disagree with you. I am slightly offended, but not

mad .

> You make it sound as if we are talking about going to the Dr's

office

> to have a hang nail trimmed.

>

> My mother is an ICU nurse,who knows full well that this is

medically

> necessary and that I am in a great deal of pain NOW. She has taken

> care of post op jaw surgery patients. She wouldn't even have to

touch

> her vacation time because she will be covered under FMLA. I am

only

> asking for one week of her time. Also, she can manipulate her time

> if she chooses and not have to take vacation or FMLA. I would come

> home and take care of her if she needed it. That is what families

> are for. We are supposed to support one another.

[Guest guest]

Molly,

I'm with on this one. (Not mad at you, of course not.) When my

mom had a mastectomy and chemo, I dropped everything to be at her

side. Now, thank goodness, orthognathic surgery isn't life

threatening, but it does leave you with a real physical and emotional

aftermath. That is exactly what family and friends are for. They

should be there for the good and the bad times. Whether the surgery

is indeed elective or not is irrelevant.

Cheryl

[Guest guest]

-Okay I just have to respond. My mother-in-law came and used one week

of HER VACATION time to be with me (my parents are not healthy enough

to travel 3000 miles or I know they would in a heartbeat). The

point is, she was unselfish and used what could've been a cruise, or

fun trip but instead chose to spend it taking care of me (of course

she did see her son and granddaughter).

I think a lot of people here are not expecting people to turn their

lives upside down for us, but a telephone call, a word of

encouragement, questions, is definitely not asking too much.

As a mother also, I can not imagine declining to be there for my

daughter whatever she was going through.

It is important for us to get out out feelings of fear, frustration,

joy, anxiety, excitedness and I don't think it is too much to expect

people that are close to us to take a little time out from themselves

and give us support.

Donna

-- In orthognathicsurgerysupport@y..., mollymcp_2000 <no_reply@y...>

wrote:

> Reading all of the posts about unsupportive friends & family brings

> up all sorts of issues. I think the key to keeping sane while

> undergoing surgery and recovery is remembering that while this is a

> HUGE, life-altering, scary, serious, expensive proposition for YOU,

> it isn't that big a deal for your family and friends. And, we're

all

> doing this out of necessity, but there is an element of choice to it

> as well, so family that would race to your side if your appendix

> burst suddenly are a little blase about " elective " jaw surgery which

> you can schedule to fit your needs.

>

> I hate to sound like a bitch, but I think jaw surgery makes us all a

> little self-centered (myself definitely included) - after all, we've

> battled insurance and won or lost, and are looking at finally fixing

> something that has been bothering us for years. For me it seemed

> bigger than almost anything I'd done. But my friends, (some of whom

> sent flowers, and called, etc...) were busy going on with their

> lives -- AS THEY SHOULD. ly, I think it is a lot to ask of

> anyone to take two weeks of vacation time or unpaid leave to care

for

> someone else after surgery, or to discuss it for hours on end. Some

> of my closer friends have expressed some jealousy, even - after all,

> I've always hated my profile, and now I'm fixing it. They're bummed

> out that they don't have a quick-fix surgery to mend their perceived

> flaws. They worry that such a big change will change me (it didn't)

> or my relationship with them.

>

> Anyway, we have this community. We can support eachother in

> meaningful, knowledgeable ways that no friend who isn't

> orthognatically impaired ever could. So let's keep those

> poor " unsupportive " friends and their unwitting hurtfulness in

> perspective.

>

> I really hope I didn't offend anyone - I'm truly trying to comfort

> and explain, but think I'm failing miserably.

>

> I am happily almost 3 months post-op - it is worth it, but it didn't

> change me inside, and hopefully won't change the beautiful insides

of

> any of you, either

[Guest guest]

I'm sort of lucky on this one, with the exception of my dad, my

family is mostly supportive. My husband is the most, likes to call

it " getting my new chin " . Actually, when I was in hospital for the

broken jaw thing, my mom and my husband were the last people I saw

before I went under and the first people I saw when I came out of

recovery. I had one on one side and one on the other walking with the

gurney as they wheeled me around the hospital. What I appreciate so

much is that my mom is my stepmom, my real mother died when I was 2

and this mom has been with me since I was 4. I like to think she was

handpicked by my bio mom, she's better to me than my dad and has

never treated me or any of my sibs like a step.

J.

> > Reading all of the posts about unsupportive friends & family

brings

> > up all sorts of issues. I think the key to keeping sane while

> > undergoing surgery and recovery is remembering that while this is

a

> > HUGE, life-altering, scary, serious, expensive proposition for

YOU,

> > it isn't that big a deal for your family and friends. And, we're

> all

> > doing this out of necessity, but there is an element of choice to

it

> > as well, so family that would race to your side if your appendix

> > burst suddenly are a little blase about " elective " jaw surgery

which

> > you can schedule to fit your needs.

> >

> > I hate to sound like a bitch, but I think jaw surgery makes us

all a

> > little self-centered (myself definitely included) - after all,

we've

> > battled insurance and won or lost, and are looking at finally

fixing

> > something that has been bothering us for years. For me it seemed

> > bigger than almost anything I'd done. But my friends, (some of

whom

> > sent flowers, and called, etc...) were busy going on with their

> > lives -- AS THEY SHOULD. ly, I think it is a lot to ask of

> > anyone to take two weeks of vacation time or unpaid leave to care

> for

> > someone else after surgery, or to discuss it for hours on end.

Some

> > of my closer friends have expressed some jealousy, even - after

all,

> > I've always hated my profile, and now I'm fixing it. They're

bummed

> > out that they don't have a quick-fix surgery to mend their

perceived

> > flaws. They worry that such a big change will change me (it

didn't)

> > or my relationship with them.

> >

> > Anyway, we have this community. We can support eachother in

> > meaningful, knowledgeable ways that no friend who isn't

> > orthognatically impaired ever could. So let's keep those

> > poor " unsupportive " friends and their unwitting hurtfulness in

> > perspective.

> >

> > I really hope I didn't offend anyone - I'm truly trying to

comfort

> > and explain, but think I'm failing miserably.

> >

> > I am happily almost 3 months post-op - it is worth it, but it

didn't

> > change me inside, and hopefully won't change the beautiful

insides

> of

> > any of you, either

[Guest guest]

Hey , you lucky woman!

This lady is your " real mom " too. And don't ever let her forget it!

You're just twice blessed, to have two moms.

There's a special place in heaven for stepmoms who get it right. I

tried, and didn't exactly, so I really appreciate those who do!

C.

[Guest guest]

Hey Molly,

I respect your opinion to some extent but am not sure if I agree with

it either. However I'm the first to admit (perceive it as selfishness

if you'd like) I definitely want to be the center of my family's

world when I go through something like this. You have to understand

that I'm one of those very loyal and dependable people who would stop

my life (as much as I could of course) for my friends and family...I

don't think it's much to ask for them to do the same. Your

perspective, however, will probably help you a lot more in recovery

though because the less you expect the less disappointed you'll be.

It's a times like these that they say you find out who your true

friends are, and it's not necessarily to say that those who don't

reach out don't love you, I just think it says something extra-

ordinary about those who do reach out. It's good I think to have a

balance of expecting help and understanding that others have lives

they need to continue with....seems what we have between us are

simply the extremes of both sides, don't you think?

Anyway, not mad at you either,

Neta-lee

> Reading all of the posts about unsupportive friends & family brings

> up all sorts of issues. I think the key to keeping sane while

> undergoing surgery and recovery is remembering that while this is a

> HUGE, life-altering, scary, serious, expensive proposition for YOU,

> it isn't that big a deal for your family and friends. And, we're

all

> doing this out of necessity, but there is an element of choice to

it

> as well, so family that would race to your side if your appendix

> burst suddenly are a little blase about " elective " jaw surgery

which

> you can schedule to fit your needs.

>

> I hate to sound like a bitch, but I think jaw surgery makes us all

a

> little self-centered (myself definitely included) - after all,

we've

> battled insurance and won or lost, and are looking at finally

fixing

> something that has been bothering us for years. For me it seemed

> bigger than almost anything I'd done. But my friends, (some of

whom

> sent flowers, and called, etc...) were busy going on with their

> lives -- AS THEY SHOULD. ly, I think it is a lot to ask of

> anyone to take two weeks of vacation time or unpaid leave to care

for

> someone else after surgery, or to discuss it for hours on end.

Some

> of my closer friends have expressed some jealousy, even - after

all,

> I've always hated my profile, and now I'm fixing it. They're

bummed

> out that they don't have a quick-fix surgery to mend their

perceived

> flaws. They worry that such a big change will change me (it didn't)

> or my relationship with them.

>

> Anyway, we have this community. We can support eachother in

> meaningful, knowledgeable ways that no friend who isn't

> orthognatically impaired ever could. So let's keep those

> poor " unsupportive " friends and their unwitting hurtfulness in

> perspective.

>

> I really hope I didn't offend anyone - I'm truly trying to comfort

> and explain, but think I'm failing miserably.

>

> I am happily almost 3 months post-op - it is worth it, but it

didn't

> change me inside, and hopefully won't change the beautiful insides

of

> any of you, either.

>

> mollymcp

[Guest guest]

Molly....

I did not ask my husband to take a month leave of absence. He told me I'm

taking a leave of absence when you have your surgery. I am very blessed to

have him in my life.

Carin

>From: mollymcp_2000 <no_reply >

>Reply-To: orthognathicsurgerysupport

>To: orthognathicsurgerysupport

>Subject: [Orthognathic Surgery Support ] Friends/Family/Support

>Date: Tue, 18 Jun 2002 20:20:47 -0000

>

>Reading all of the posts about unsupportive friends & family brings

>up all sorts of issues. I think the key to keeping sane while

>undergoing surgery and recovery is remembering that while this is a

>HUGE, life-altering, scary, serious, expensive proposition for YOU,

>it isn't that big a deal for your family and friends. And, we're all

>doing this out of necessity, but there is an element of choice to it

>as well, so family that would race to your side if your appendix

>burst suddenly are a little blase about " elective " jaw surgery which

>you can schedule to fit your needs.

>

>I hate to sound like a bitch, but I think jaw surgery makes us all a

>little self-centered (myself definitely included) - after all, we've

>battled insurance and won or lost, and are looking at finally fixing

>something that has been bothering us for years. For me it seemed

>bigger than almost anything I'd done. But my friends, (some of whom

>sent flowers, and called, etc...) were busy going on with their

>lives -- AS THEY SHOULD. ly, I think it is a lot to ask of

>anyone to take two weeks of vacation time or unpaid leave to care for

>someone else after surgery, or to discuss it for hours on end. Some

>of my closer friends have expressed some jealousy, even - after all,

>I've always hated my profile, and now I'm fixing it. They're bummed

>out that they don't have a quick-fix surgery to mend their perceived

>flaws. They worry that such a big change will change me (it didn't)

>or my relationship with them.

>

>Anyway, we have this community. We can support eachother in

>meaningful, knowledgeable ways that no friend who isn't

>orthognatically impaired ever could. So let's keep those

>poor " unsupportive " friends and their unwitting hurtfulness in

>perspective.

>

>I really hope I didn't offend anyone - I'm truly trying to comfort

>and explain, but think I'm failing miserably.

>

>I am happily almost 3 months post-op - it is worth it, but it didn't

>change me inside, and hopefully won't change the beautiful insides of

>any of you, either.

>

>mollymcp

>

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[Guest guest]

I'm not mad at you Molly Just wanted to let you know that there are

peole who do drop things just to take care of their loved ones. And you're

right, leave of absence = no pay. But we have saved up 4 months pay so

we'll be ok....

Carin

>

>Reply-To: orthognathicsurgerysupport

>To: orthognathicsurgerysupport

>Subject: [Orthognathic Surgery Support ] Re: Friends/Family/Support

>Date: Tue, 18 Jun 2002 21:03:09 -0000

>

>Molly,

>I'm with on this one. (Not mad at you, of course not.) When my

>mom had a mastectomy and chemo, I dropped everything to be at her

>side. Now, thank goodness, orthognathic surgery isn't life

>threatening, but it does leave you with a real physical and emotional

>aftermath. That is exactly what family and friends are for. They

>should be there for the good and the bad times. Whether the surgery

>is indeed elective or not is irrelevant.

>

>Cheryl

>

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[Guest guest]

,

I loved hearing about how close you are to your stepmother. I

married my husband when his kids were 3 and 1 1/2...and I've always

felt like they were as much mine as the ones I gave birth to. I hope

that my stepkids feel about me like you do about your stepmom.

Cheryl