Re: RE: Unstable Identity

[Guest guest]

Your Mom may be just what Brit needs. She may not give your Mom any problems

at all.

Grandmothers seem to have a more unique relationship with their grandchildren

and are less judgmental than the parents. As I've said, I wasn't ego

involved with my grandsons, so I could relate better with them. We could just

have

fun.

Jean

[Guest guest]

Sue your ex for child support. Go to Legal Aid or whatever they have down

there and get financial help from your ex. He was going to do it to you, wasn't

he? You are handling the emotional impact of raising her now, he can deal

with the financial. Have him turn over Legal custody to you and get child

support from him.

I can understand your mother's feelings, but she could still have a normal

grandmother/grandchild relationship. You know, Brit could spend a week with her,

have luch, go shopping, etc. Or is she afraid your daughter would steel from

her or do other things. Does she ever do things like that?

Jean

[Guest guest]

Ah, yes, but I discipline my grandsons. But I don't have the intensity that

they have to be perfect like I did for my own kids. Rememer, I was the only

one (and my son) who disciplined the boys. My daughter said if she yelled at

them, they wouldn't love her !!!! Ya know like she doesn't love me cause I

don't like what she does.

I let the boys be who they are. If they get dirty playing in the yard, they

get dirty. I don't change them for appearances sake. I made sure my daughter

always looked and behaved like a little lady and my son had to look just so,

also. After all, I was a divorced mother raising my children alone in a

middle class 2 parent town, I wasn't living in substandard housing like most

divorced people in this state 30 years ago. So, I felt I had to do things

better

for appearances.

Jean

[Guest guest]

Kelley

Did your grandmother or your mom raise you? What childhood problems did you

have and would you have liked your grandmother to have shown her judgement of

you?

Jean

[Guest guest]

Kelley

Is your stepson obsessive compulsive? My kids even though I wanted them to

stay clean and look just so, never did accomodate me most times which is why I

was always yelling.

I think your husband is right. Let the kid get as dirty as possible and see

how he is with that. Tell him it's OK to get dirty. Tell him he's a kid and

kids are supposed to get dirty.

Jean

[Guest guest]

Kelley

It sounds like you also think that spoiling has something to do with this BPD

stuff.??

You also sound a lot like me growing up. My mother had me at 17 was married

to my drunken father and was very immature and lacking in backbone and self

esteem so I was the little adult. But I never got wild or rebelled till later.

I went to college, became a teacher, married " right " (he was in medical

school). I moved back to RI from Wash DC, let my mother watch my kids every

week

end and went wild---drinking, partying and motorcycling. I was 30 at the time.

After a yr and a half of that, I bought this house and became a nun again and

the " perfect " mom with no husband.

Are any of us normal?

Jean

[Guest guest]

Kelley

This will make you feel so much better!!!!! HATES her food to touch

other foods on her plate to this day AND when we would go to the ocean she

would freak out if the sand was on her feet or towel or the blanket. She would

drive me NUTS with the sand issue. She is STILL like that about the food

touching. My ex is the same exact way on both those things and he hates going

to

the ocean to this day because of the sand.

still sleeps with her " blankie " . Is that weird or what? It is now

the size of a hard cover book.

Jean

[Guest guest]

Yes I now attach, but it is a still a very scary journey for me....I am actually

thinking of taking my first step with a relationship.....and I have attached to

my daughter, but that is about it, because I really don't know that many people

here in Indiana...a lot of my co-workers seem to keep people at arms lengths.

But, I go through this process when I attach and it takes a while for me to let

a person in my " safe zone " , that last part of me that I hold back for safety.

And I figured out after I made the impulsive move here to Indiana, that I had

attached myself to my home state, maybe not one specific spot there, but I miss

it and want to try and go back one day for good....cause I just can't see

Indiana as " home " , the people are not like me...but I am from a different part

of the states...Louisiana, and people are so different there from here!

cascorsam@... wrote:

Do you now attach? This part of the disorder is what scares me, because if

you don't attach to anything then of course, no one will mean anything to you.

No wonder my daughter can just blow me off like some useless object. I don't

have any meaning to her. And no wonder she doesn't give a dam- about what my

family thinks, they're just more useless baggage to her.

I noticed years ago that she formed bossom buddy relationships with people

she had just met. Never took the time to see if she had anything in common, but

this was only with guys.

BAsically it's like there is no depth, but then there is no person in that

body either, is there? When does this change???

Jean

[Guest guest]

Yes I know exactly what you are talking about.....I guess in a way I have

went the opposite direction, but a little more healthier one....and no when I

hung around all the trash, I didn't have a safe zone...it was just me screaming

" Somebody love me, I don't care who or what you are " . Now I am very careful.

Ya know when I got my daughter back, I figured my mother would love having her

granddaughter in our lives again, but my mom really don't communicate much with

my daughter, I think my mom is " scared " to try and get close to Brit, cause of

how I was....

It is hard for me to let Jon in, the guy I am thinking of dating, for he has his

own problems, but we are open with each other about them, I admit my fears to

him, and when he says " your heart is safe with me " , I have this alarm

going off in my head, going " No it isn't " , and I have to fight that.....but it

is a constant battle. I would just rather be alone and safe, than have

heartache and maybe go off the deep end again.....for I have enough battles with

a BPD daughter, but I realize I have to overcome this fear, or I will grow to be

a lonely old bitter person...

cascorsam@... wrote:

You've done an about face, haven't you? You don't let people in your safe

zone. Earlier when just hooked up with the losers, you didn't have a safe zone,

did you?

It's funny, since my divorce, and more so since my mother's death many

years ago, I have not let any guy into my safe zone. I am very friendly,

outgoing

and caring, but I felt too fragile to let anyone other than my kids and

grandkids into that " safe zone " . And I've been thinking I will probably live a

very lonely, superficial life for my remaining years, because after this with

, I cannot emotionally risk to ever let ANYONE into my life again. I

just

could not survive the pain of something like this again. I'll probably just

buy another golden retriever (my Harry is a big chocolate Lab) and have the 2

dogs. I am a dog person, and you can trust a dog with your emotions----they

adore you till the end.

And yes, People from Louisiana are much friendlier. You are very open, I'm

sure Louisiana

would suit you better.

Jean

[Guest guest]

When my daughter ran away from her dad and got in contact with my mother...after

all those years of not seeing my mother, she remembered where my mother

worked..good thing my mom still had the same job. My mother called me to tell

me about it, and she knows my finances are not that good, so she knew it would

be a stress, but my mom told me, " I can't go through that again, I know

she is BPD by just the little time I have talked to her, and I just can't go

through that again, you almost drove me crazy, and to go through that again, at

my age now, would kill me. So I can't help you with her, you have to take her "

Which I had no problem with, but my ex was not sending anything with my

daughter, so I had to buy everything, and I just wanted a little time to get

stuff together....but I understood what my mom was saying...

cascorsam@... wrote:

Your Mom may be just what Brit needs. She may not give your Mom any problems

at all.

Grandmothers seem to have a more unique relationship with their grandchildren

and are less judgmental than the parents. As I've said, I wasn't ego

involved with my grandsons, so I could relate better with them. We could just

have

fun.

Jean

[Guest guest]

Jean

Part of my childhood problems were because my Grandmother was not judgmental,

she let me get away with stuff my Mom would not allow.

Hugs

Kelley

Re: RE: Unstable Identity

Your Mom may be just what Brit needs. She may not give your Mom any problems

at all.

Grandmothers seem to have a more unique relationship with their grandchildren

and are less judgmental than the parents. As I've said, I wasn't ego

involved with my grandsons, so I could relate better with them. We could just

have

fun.

Jean

[Guest guest]

LOL I think that is exactly what my stepsons mother does to him. He wanted

ribs for dinner on the way taking him home sunday and when he saw them he got

upset his hands would get messy. Does not occur to him that he can wash them

just that he cant get his hands dirty for some reason. My BPH said next time he

is here we are only going to eat food that you can pick up with your hands, and

if he doesnt stop that he will make him eat everything with his hands LOL He

wouldnt do it but it is really distrubing to see a six year old little boy upset

because of bbq sauce or some dirt on his hands! Isnt that half the fun of being

a child?

Hugs

kelley

Re: RE: Unstable Identity

Ah, yes, but I discipline my grandsons. But I don't have the intensity that

they have to be perfect like I did for my own kids. Rememer, I was the only

one (and my son) who disciplined the boys. My daughter said if she yelled at

them, they wouldn't love her !!!! Ya know like she doesn't love me cause I

don't like what she does.

I let the boys be who they are. If they get dirty playing in the yard, they

get dirty. I don't change them for appearances sake. I made sure my daughter

always looked and behaved like a little lady and my son had to look just so,

also. After all, I was a divorced mother raising my children alone in a

middle class 2 parent town, I wasn't living in substandard housing like most

divorced people in this state 30 years ago. So, I felt I had to do things

better

for appearances.

Jean

[Guest guest]

My mother raised me but I was very close to my grandparents. I loved the

attention, but in hind site it really did appear I was the favorite and probably

h urt my sister and brothers feelings, maybe not but it was lopsided to say the

least!

I was an adult as a child, then when I became a teenager my mother all the

sudden wanted me to be child. My teen years I was a holy terror! I think my

Mother and my Grandparents treated me like a little adult and should have

treated me more like a child. My Mother was married five times before I was 20.

There were times when I had to be the adult. She was working 2 jobs to support

us at times and so I had to be the adult for my sister and brother. I think had

my grandparents raised me I would have more of the symptoms these gilrs with BPD

have. I was just spoiled and thought I could do anything and thought I knew

everything. Hind site is 20/20 though. all in all I didnt turn out bad! Just

had some bad years!

I don't know that I would want to have changed the way my grandmother treated

me, I learned a whole lot from being that close to her. My mother was sick and

bedridden with Toxemia when she was pregnant with me and only a teenager

herself, and I was a premie! So I imagine I was treated special just for making

it into the world!

I remember a camping trip when I was younger and i did something bad, and my mom

was going to spank me, I yelled and screamed for my " GaGa " and my mom finally

said go on over there to your " GaGa " , and I did and she turned me over her lap

and blistered my butt! I never did that again!

Hugs

Kelley

Re: RE: Unstable Identity

Kelley

Did your grandmother or your mom raise you? What childhood problems did you

have and would you have liked your grandmother to have shown her judgement of

you?

Jean

[Guest guest]

Jean

I dont think he is OCD because he doesnt wash his hands compulsively, I think he

must have gotten into trouble for eating with his hands at his mothers or

something. Not sure. I do know that my BPH says his son cut his teeth gnawing

on ribs so why all the sudden he doesnt want to touch them I don't know. I do

know he cant stand to have any of his food touching other foods though! So it

may be he is developing some OCD traits.

Over the summer we had little wading pools for him to play in, and he kept

getting all nuts over the dirt on his feet and the dirt in the pool! I finally

said get over it or we will dump the pool and put it away! He got over it! I

even have some pictures from last summer where he had mud all over his face!

Now he will flat out stick his whole face into some watermelon but wont pick it

up with his hands! Will work on that when he comes back for summer vacation

weeks. Just seems it does no good to help him overcome problems because he goes

back to Mom's and it starts all over again.

Hgus

kelley

Re: RE: Unstable Identity

Kelley

Is your stepson obsessive compulsive? My kids even though I wanted them to

stay clean and look just so, never did accomodate me most times which is why I

was always yelling.

I think your husband is right. Let the kid get as dirty as possible and see

how he is with that. Tell him it's OK to get dirty. Tell him he's a kid and

kids are supposed to get dirty.

Jean

[Guest guest]

Jean

Thats funny! I love sand in my toes! I mix my food all up too! What good is

dressing without some gravy and green beans in it My BPH mixes stuff too

much. He will take a perfectly beautiful meal and make it look like a plate of

slop!

I beleive my BPH's brother is same way as son on food issues even as an adult he

cant have any thing touching! Makes me wonder how these people eat pizza!

Hugs

Kelley

Re: RE: Unstable Identity

Kelley

This will make you feel so much better!!!!! HATES her food to touch

other foods on her plate to this day AND when we would go to the ocean she

would freak out if the sand was on her feet or towel or the blanket. She

would

drive me NUTS with the sand issue. She is STILL like that about the food

touching. My ex is the same exact way on both those things and he hates going

to

the ocean to this day because of the sand.

still sleeps with her " blankie " . Is that weird or what? It is now

the size of a hard cover book.

Jean

[Guest guest]

I love mixing my food...there is nothing like mashed potatoes and corn mixed!

YUMMY...but I am cajun, most of our food...gumbo and stuff is a mixture of

things!

Kelley wrote:

Jean

Thats funny! I love sand in my toes! I mix my food all up too! What good is

dressing without some gravy and green beans in it My BPH mixes stuff too

much. He will take a perfectly beautiful meal and make it look like a plate of

slop!

I beleive my BPH's brother is same way as son on food issues even as an adult he

cant have any thing touching! Makes me wonder how these people eat pizza!

Hugs

Kelley

Re: RE: Unstable Identity

Kelley

This will make you feel so much better!!!!! HATES her food to touch

other foods on her plate to this day AND when we would go to the ocean she

would freak out if the sand was on her feet or towel or the blanket. She

would

drive me NUTS with the sand issue. She is STILL like that about the food

touching. My ex is the same exact way on both those things and he hates going

to

the ocean to this day because of the sand.

still sleeps with her " blankie " . Is that weird or what? It is now

the size of a hard cover book.

Jean

[Guest guest]

No my daughter hadn't gotten to the stealing yet...but she did lie and have sex

and stuff like that..rage, obsess...all that stuff but no stealing or drugs

yet..

cascorsam@... wrote:

Sue your ex for child support. Go to Legal Aid or whatever they have down

there and get financial help from your ex. He was going to do it to you, wasn't

he? You are handling the emotional impact of raising her now, he can deal

with the financial. Have him turn over Legal custody to you and get child

support from him.

I can understand your mother's feelings, but she could still have a normal

grandmother/grandchild relationship. You know, Brit could spend a week with her,

have luch, go shopping, etc. Or is she afraid your daughter would steel from

her or do other things. Does she ever do things like that?

Jean

[Guest guest]

Yup me cajun too! I grew up eating everything seasoned with onions, bell

peppers, celery, green onions, red pepper! Can't eat food without taste now

I make a mean kitchen sink gumbo!

Kelley

Re: RE: Unstable Identity

Kelley

This will make you feel so much better!!!!! HATES her food to touch

other foods on her plate to this day AND when we would go to the ocean she

would freak out if the sand was on her feet or towel or the blanket. She

would

drive me NUTS with the sand issue. She is STILL like that about the food

touching. My ex is the same exact way on both those things and he hates

going to

the ocean to this day because of the sand.

still sleeps with her " blankie " . Is that weird or what? It is now

the size of a hard cover book.

Jean

[Guest guest]

We are what we let happen to us.....if your life was horrible put it away

and have a good life for you now!

Normal is what is comfortable for any one individual!

Hugs

Kelley

Re: RE: Unstable Identity

What is " normal " anyways...I dislike very much whoever came up with that word!

cascorsam@... wrote:

Kelley

It sounds like you also think that spoiling has something to do with this BPD

stuff.??

You also sound a lot like me growing up. My mother had me at 17 was married

to my drunken father and was very immature and lacking in backbone and self

esteem so I was the little adult. But I never got wild or rebelled till

later.

I went to college, became a teacher, married " right " (he was in medical

school). I moved back to RI from Wash DC, let my mother watch my kids every

week

end and went wild---drinking, partying and motorcycling. I was 30 at the time.

After a yr and a half of that, I bought this house and became a nun again and

the " perfect " mom with no husband.

Are any of us normal?

Jean

[Guest guest]

Oh do I miss the cajun food.......it is hard to find the stuff here in Indiana

to make it, but my mom sends me the seasonings and stuff every so often! I

would love some shrimp etoufee right now!

Kelley wrote:

Yup me cajun too! I grew up eating everything seasoned with onions, bell

peppers, celery, green onions, red pepper! Can't eat food without taste now

I make a mean kitchen sink gumbo!

Kelley

Re: RE: Unstable Identity

Kelley

This will make you feel so much better!!!!! HATES her food to touch

other foods on her plate to this day AND when we would go to the ocean she

would freak out if the sand was on her feet or towel or the blanket. She

would

drive me NUTS with the sand issue. She is STILL like that about the food

touching. My ex is the same exact way on both those things and he hates

going to

the ocean to this day because of the sand.

still sleeps with her " blankie " . Is that weird or what? It is now

the size of a hard cover book.

Jean