paralyzed by small decisions

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

It's been a while since I have posted. I hope you are all doing well. I have

found that with working full time again, having an 11 month old (who will be one

next week!!!!) and everyday chores I have next to no time to get on the site.

But I will have to make time because it helps me so much and I need it. So

thanks for your support.

Anyway, two things happened this weekend that really bothered me and I feel like

they are related. The first one is that we were supposed to visit nada for the

weekend and I was totally dreading it, as I always do. But we ended up not going

because my daughter was borderline sick. I struggled with the decision of

whether or not to go b/c I knew nada would be really disappointed and not

understand, and I didn't want to deal with that. Plus I haven't been " home " in

quite a while and she has a terminal cancer (I have confirmed with docs that she

has this cancer, but I still don't get why she is still here and stable after

2.5 years when almost everyone else dies in 3-6 months, but I digress). Here's

what's bugging me- I was worried that my daughter might not really be sick and I

felt guilty for not going for " no reason " . Later it became really stormy and

started hailing so I felt better and justified for not going. See the problem- I

felt justified over the hail but not b/c I wasn't sure if my baby was sick or

not? What the hell? I guess b/c the weather was something I could " prove " . And

later that night baby came down with a fever so I absolutely did the right

thing. Nada has been a bitch all weekend, making comments like, " baby always

gets sick on the weekends doesn't she? " Like I made it up.

2nd thing- I went to party city today to pick out decorations and favors for

baby's b-day party next weekend and I was in the store for a VERY long time. All

I was basically doing was picking out streamers, balloons and paper plates. I

became very stressed, almost panicky. I knew I was being stupid, but I still

felt that way- almost paralyzed with indecision. It's so stupid- I can make huge

life changing decisions without breaking a sweat. But small, inconsequential

stuff throws me for a loop every time. Nada always went above and beyond for

parties and presents, making the decorations spectacular. I always feel an

intense pressure to do the same. But I don't have the time, energy or money and

come on, it's not like I am planning a wedding reception- it's a 12 month old's

b-day party. What made it worse was that I needed to get back home soon and so I

had a time limit. That always gets me too. From the time I was very small I have

had a reoccurring nightmare that I am trying to do something and I am running

out of time. It sounds mellow but it's a horrible dream and I get so stressed I

feel like I might have a stroke. I don't know where I am going with this post

but I wanted to get it off my chest.

[Guest guest]

Hi, Mozz! Welcome back. I think that with a baby under one year of age, being

over-cautious when she starts acting sick (or teething, or almost anything) is

the way to go. If she's really sick, you're home where you can deal with it,

and if she's not really sick, but just fussy, well, who wants to travel with a

fussy baby? If you had gone to Nada's she would have found a way to criticize

the baby's behavior, or your parenting. I think that parents of very young

children generally have a " real life " pass for a while - anybody who's had

responsibility for young kids knows how the plans get screwed up very often. So

don't be so hard on yourself.

And as to the time limit thing - you're working full time, you have an infant at

home, you're trying to buy decorations for a one-year-old's birthday party

(which is a whole 'nother discussion...) and you are stressed because you're

running out of time??? I'm surprised you have time to get a shower and put on

shoes every day. I've been there - those first couple of years are beyond

hectic, even on the best days. Everybody but Nada realizes this, and Nada is

crazy, so who cares what she thinks?

All you can do is do your best. And that's probably enough.

>

> Hi all,

> It's been a while since I have posted. I hope you are all doing well. I have

found that with working full time again, having an 11 month old (who will be one

next week!!!!) and everyday chores I have next to no time to get on the site.

But I will have to make time because it helps me so much and I need it. So

thanks for your support.

>

> Anyway, two things happened this weekend that really bothered me and I feel

like they are related. The first one is that we were supposed to visit nada for

the weekend and I was totally dreading it, as I always do. But we ended up not

going because my daughter was borderline sick. I struggled with the decision of

whether or not to go b/c I knew nada would be really disappointed and not

understand, and I didn't want to deal with that. Plus I haven't been " home " in

quite a while and she has a terminal cancer (I have confirmed with docs that she

has this cancer, but I still don't get why she is still here and stable after

2.5 years when almost everyone else dies in 3-6 months, but I digress). Here's

what's bugging me- I was worried that my daughter might not really be sick and I

felt guilty for not going for " no reason " . Later it became really stormy and

started hailing so I felt better and justified for not going. See the problem- I

felt justified over the hail but not b/c I wasn't sure if my baby was sick or

not? What the hell? I guess b/c the weather was something I could " prove " . And

later that night baby came down with a fever so I absolutely did the right

thing. Nada has been a bitch all weekend, making comments like, " baby always

gets sick on the weekends doesn't she? " Like I made it up.

>

> 2nd thing- I went to party city today to pick out decorations and favors for

baby's b-day party next weekend and I was in the store for a VERY long time. All

I was basically doing was picking out streamers, balloons and paper plates. I

became very stressed, almost panicky. I knew I was being stupid, but I still

felt that way- almost paralyzed with indecision. It's so stupid- I can make huge

life changing decisions without breaking a sweat. But small, inconsequential

stuff throws me for a loop every time. Nada always went above and beyond for

parties and presents, making the decorations spectacular. I always feel an

intense pressure to do the same. But I don't have the time, energy or money and

come on, it's not like I am planning a wedding reception- it's a 12 month old's

b-day party. What made it worse was that I needed to get back home soon and so I

had a time limit. That always gets me too. From the time I was very small I have

had a reoccurring nightmare that I am trying to do something and I am running

out of time. It sounds mellow but it's a horrible dream and I get so stressed I

feel like I might have a stroke. I don't know where I am going with this post

but I wanted to get it off my chest.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I know you are right. I still amazes me that I have been so jacked mentally that

I turn simple every day stuff into these huge deals. I blame some of it on just

being a frazzled mom, but I know a lot of it is nada. Nada never understands

that life gets in the way and that it is what it is. She wants to be put 1st

come hell or high water. Many times when I was in college I would be driving

home to visit and in a panic b/c I hit traffic. I just *knew* nada would be

pissed I was getting there later than I said I would. Like it was my fault there

was traffic! Crap like that. I am so sick of her! I seriously feel no loving

emotions towards her at all. I can't stand her and I still call and go home out

of guilt and obligation. If she wasn't sick I would be LC or NC for sure. I have

to put on a coat of armor before I talk to her. I mean this is my MOTHER. And I

hate her! Just venting here.

> >

> > Hi all,

> > It's been a while since I have posted. I hope you are all doing well. I have

found that with working full time again, having an 11 month old (who will be one

next week!!!!) and everyday chores I have next to no time to get on the site.

But I will have to make time because it helps me so much and I need it. So

thanks for your support.

> >

> > Anyway, two things happened this weekend that really bothered me and I feel

like they are related. The first one is that we were supposed to visit nada for

the weekend and I was totally dreading it, as I always do. But we ended up not

going because my daughter was borderline sick. I struggled with the decision of

whether or not to go b/c I knew nada would be really disappointed and not

understand, and I didn't want to deal with that. Plus I haven't been " home " in

quite a while and she has a terminal cancer (I have confirmed with docs that she

has this cancer, but I still don't get why she is still here and stable after

2.5 years when almost everyone else dies in 3-6 months, but I digress). Here's

what's bugging me- I was worried that my daughter might not really be sick and I

felt guilty for not going for " no reason " . Later it became really stormy and

started hailing so I felt better and justified for not going. See the problem- I

felt justified over the hail but not b/c I wasn't sure if my baby was sick or

not? What the hell? I guess b/c the weather was something I could " prove " . And

later that night baby came down with a fever so I absolutely did the right

thing. Nada has been a bitch all weekend, making comments like, " baby always

gets sick on the weekends doesn't she? " Like I made it up.

> >

> > 2nd thing- I went to party city today to pick out decorations and favors for

baby's b-day party next weekend and I was in the store for a VERY long time. All

I was basically doing was picking out streamers, balloons and paper plates. I

became very stressed, almost panicky. I knew I was being stupid, but I still

felt that way- almost paralyzed with indecision. It's so stupid- I can make huge

life changing decisions without breaking a sweat. But small, inconsequential

stuff throws me for a loop every time. Nada always went above and beyond for

parties and presents, making the decorations spectacular. I always feel an

intense pressure to do the same. But I don't have the time, energy or money and

come on, it's not like I am planning a wedding reception- it's a 12 month old's

b-day party. What made it worse was that I needed to get back home soon and so I

had a time limit. That always gets me too. From the time I was very small I have

had a reoccurring nightmare that I am trying to do something and I am running

out of time. It sounds mellow but it's a horrible dream and I get so stressed I

feel like I might have a stroke. I don't know where I am going with this post

but I wanted to get it off my chest.

> >

>