Guest guest Posted February 19, 2010 Report Share Posted February 19, 2010 oh, man, it was my nadas wedding, not mine !! I didn't get a choice in anything but the date and groom, which we fought about a lot anyway !! Nada didn't like anything I wanted for MY wedding, so she'd just say no ( the parents were paying for it) and do whatever she darn well pleased. My useless father told me to let her have her way...that was his answer to everything..always give in...sigh...I came SO close to just eloping because it was becoming the social event of the year :-( she was inviting all kinds of people I had never met and didn't know..SHE chose the food for the dinner, SHE chose the music, SHE chose the location..SHE chose the flowers I wore HER wedding gown...which is now stuffed in some box in their attic, being eaten by mice...but it's HER wedding gown and she won't let me take it... Jackie Well, I just joined this group on the suggestion of blogger (she is the child of a BP too) and I must say, this is exactly what I needed, to know that I'm not crazy! Now, this is what I could use some insight on from fellow COBPs (like CODA, but only Child of BP instead). Have any of you had a wedding affected by a BP parent? I got disowned by my dad last March after I got engaged (moving out last March was a huge slap in his face, apparently) and he said that he's not attending, my four littlest siblings aren't allowed to attend, but my mom and my adult younger brother can decide for themselves. I'm the oldest of 6 kids. Well, Brother #1 disowned me as his sister in August after I sent him a birthday card, because he says I'm not acting like a part of the [last name] family and he can't associate with me while being part of the family, since I'm disrespecting my parents. And I can't just invite Mom only, because she's made it clear that she sides with my dad. She's basically a dishrag mom, because she came from an abusive home and obviously isn't able to stand up to him. I would totally send invites to my 4 littlest siblings just as souveniers, but at Christmas my parents sent me an email that this is an exception, they let my siblngs have my gift I mailed, but anything else will be returned unopened. So....it's been a hard decision but I decided not to send them invitations just to be hurt by them again. On the other hand, if I don't send them invitations, there's no hope of reconciliation in the future because that's a huge thing not to invite them to. And I'm afraid that on wedding day that some people who don't know about the whole family situation yet will ask me where my parents and siblings are. I'm not sure what to say to them, yet. Okay, long post short, I think I'm just fishing for wedding stories from people who were/are in the same position, to get some ideas that way. Thank God for this group. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 19, 2010 Report Share Posted February 19, 2010 LOL nada called early the morning after the wedding to tell me to get over to their house for breakfast !! our honeymoon was camping in the UP of Michigan..so no phones :-) Your idea of going down the isle with your intended is what they do these days..the father " giving " the daughter away is old , archaic and people dont do that any more.. I dont know why he's bent out of shape over it, but it's YOUR wedding..oh, nada demanded I have my sister be maid of honor..at that time sis and I were NOT close ( thanks to nada lying and sabotaging our relationship our whole lives) and I did not want sis at that spot, I wanted a friend whom I'd known for 8 years to be there..nada told me if sis wasn't maid of honor, the wedding was off !! sounds like our family is the same..only it's my nada and your father thats the difficult ones, and my father and your mother are the dishrags that give in for everything ... I feel really bad for you..I know how stresful this is !! Jackie Jackie, Sheesh, that's horrible! I hope you were able to enjoy the day nonetheless...the important part was the marriage, and not the ceremony... Were you able to keep your honeymoon yours? And I had been so tempted to elope too. But part of the trigger that made my dad disown me was that I didn't want him to " give me away. " I explained that I wanted to walk down the aisle with my fiance, and enter the marriage as equals, but boy, he took that as a rejection and called me a " radical feminist with a radical feminist priest. " When I found out he was so hurt by this, I told him I didn't know that he'd be so hurt, and offered to change it to " giving away " but then he said, " that's not the point. The point is that you didn't want us in the wedding. We want to be in the wedding, not as guests and not as your workhorses either. " >< my brain hurt after that statement, 'cause it didn't make sense. I was making my 12 yr old sister my maid of honor, asked my mom to make my dress (like she promised to when I was little) and was communicating the decisions my fiance and I made so far about the wedding, like the budget ($1,000 for EVERYTHING). LOL, I knew something was wrong when my mom said, You mean, for the photography? I told her, no, the whole wedding and reception, 'cause Dad said I'm paying for it myself, 'cause he did for his wedding. And then Dad said he never said such thing, if he did, he was only joking. Ooookaaaay... In any case, the " communication " completely broke down because I refused to play their game the way they wanted. So now nobody's talking, and when my parents send me emails or letters, I ignore them. The most innocent of notes quickly turns into this huge blame/guilt fest to get me to apologize for something I did not do, and get me to admit the fault is all mine. And it's like the reverse in my family, Jackie. My dad gets what he wants and my mom just gives in and lets him do what he wants, and justifies it as if that's the only way to do things. So sad, she's trapped in his reality right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 19, 2010 Report Share Posted February 19, 2010 LOL I always thought I'd love to lock my nada ( BPD) up with my father in law ( narcissistic) and see who wins LOL but actually, my nada is VERY kind/sweet/charming to outsiders...it's only her kids and husband she's nasty to...unless there are extreme circumstances..I say it's YOUR day, you only get one special day like that ( usually a second or third wedding isn't as whop-dee-do as the first) so do what YOU want..I didn't have the wedding I wanted..but really, I got the groom I wanted ( even though nada tried to end that as well) and that's what's really important...we'll have our 29th anniversary in june :-) Jackie Hahahaha, that must have felt good not to have to deal with that phone call right away, lol. And agreed, it's an old idea, " giving away. " The funny thing is, walking down the aisle together with my groom is even older. At least in the Catholic Church, that's the way people did it for a long time until the movies decided it was more dramatic if the bride walked down the aisle. (I hate that...it puts all the attention on the bride instead of on the vows...) And that sucks! I'm not close to my brother anymore, and he'd always felt sure that my relationship with my fiance (he's Presbyterian) would fall apart because we have different beliefs...) so we didn't want him as the best man. I think that probably played another small factor in my disowning.... and I think so! That's what I've noticed about all other COBPs...how similar all of our stories are. It would be interesting to put a bunch of BPs in one room and lock them up for the day, see how they like each other, lol ~Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 19, 2010 Report Share Posted February 19, 2010 thanks :-) even though my FIL was a NP, ( he died in 2003) he was mostly out of the picture because his job required a lot of travel...and hubbys mother is like the June Cleaver or Donna characters...she was a sweet loving emotionally mature mother, the kind everyone wants, and the kind we all deserve !! You will get a real eye opener as you all get older on the dynamics of the mother daughter and mother son relationships...and how things are supposed to be... Jackie That's the important part, you got the groom you wanted and congrats on your 29th anniversary! While I lost my crazy family, I gained a wonderful family with my fiance and his parents and sister. They've been so supportive while I adjusted and still am adjusting to a normal family dynamic! ~Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 19, 2010 Report Share Posted February 19, 2010 I'm afraid back then there wasn't much about BPD, and no internet LOL Hubby was married before and had 2 kids, and didn't want any more..I had always heard abuse is passed down from parent to child, and I did NOT want to ever treat anyone the way nada treated me, so I never wanted kids ( although my siblings that had kids broke the cycle, so it is possible to have kids and not treat them the way you were treated) so we never had kids...this is a great group !!! Jackie I'm so glad you got a perfect mother in your MIL! My MIL is wonderful...and thank goodness my FIL is too. I'm still learning through them and the family dynamics because it's so different than what I'm used to. Did anything help you when you learned about healthy parent/child relationships? 'Cause that's what I'm kinda nervous about. I know it's a long ways off in the future, but as my husband-to-be and I have kids, and the kids get older, I really really don't want to be like my dad or my mom were to me.... but isn't that what everybody says about their parents? " I'm not going to be like my parents! " LOL Thanks for talking with me! I love this group already. I'm starting to feel more and more normal... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 20, 2010 Report Share Posted February 20, 2010 >>our honeymoon was camping in the UP of Michigan..so no phones :-) << I *love* the UP...what a great place for a honeymoon, even better that there weren't any phones!! Ninera > > Subject: Re: Wedding " fun " > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Date: Friday, February 19, 2010, 5:32 PM > LOL nada called early the morning > after the wedding to tell me to get over > to their house for breakfast !! our honeymoon > was camping in the UP of > Michigan..so no phones :-) > > Your idea of going down the isle with your intended is what > they do these > days..the father " giving " the daughter away is old , > archaic and people dont > do that any more.. I dont know why he's bent out of shape > over it, but it's > YOUR wedding..oh, nada demanded I have my sister be maid of > honor..at that > time sis and I were NOT close ( thanks to nada lying > and sabotaging our > relationship our whole lives) and I did not want sis > at that spot, I wanted > a friend whom I'd known for 8 years to be there..nada told > me if sis wasn't > maid of honor, the wedding was off !! > > sounds like our family is the same..only it's my nada and > your father thats > the difficult ones, and my father and your mother are the > dishrags that give > in for everything ... > > I feel really bad for you..I know how stresful this is !! > > > Jackie > > > > > Jackie, > > Sheesh, that's horrible! I hope you were able to enjoy the > day > nonetheless...the important part was the marriage, and not > the ceremony... > > Were you able to keep your honeymoon yours? > > And I had been so tempted to elope too. But part of the > trigger that made my > dad disown me was that I didn't want him to " give me away. " > I explained that > I wanted to walk down the aisle with my fiance, and enter > the marriage as > equals, but boy, he took that as a rejection and called me > a " radical > feminist with a radical feminist priest. " When I found out > he was so hurt by > this, I told him I didn't know that he'd be so hurt, and > offered to change > it to " giving away " but then he said, " that's not the > point. The point is > that you didn't want us in the wedding. We want to be in > the wedding, not as > guests and not as your workhorses either. " >< my > brain hurt after that > statement, 'cause it didn't make sense. I was making my 12 > yr old sister my > maid of honor, asked my mom to make my dress (like she > promised to when I > was little) and was communicating the decisions my fiance > and I made so far > about the wedding, like the budget ($1,000 for EVERYTHING). > LOL, I knew > something was wrong when my mom said, You mean, for the > photography? I told > her, no, the whole wedding and reception, 'cause Dad said > I'm paying for it > myself, 'cause he did for his wedding. And then Dad said he > never said such > thing, if he did, he was only joking. > > Ooookaaaay... In any case, the " communication " completely > broke down because > I refused to play their game the way they wanted. So now > nobody's talking, > and when my parents send me emails or letters, I ignore > them. The most > innocent of notes quickly turns into this huge blame/guilt > fest to get me to > apologize for something I did not do, and get me to admit > the fault is all > mine. > > And it's like the reverse in my family, Jackie. My dad gets > what he wants > and my mom just gives in and lets him do what he wants, and > justifies it as > if that's the only way to do things. So sad, she's trapped > in his reality > right now. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 20, 2010 Report Share Posted February 20, 2010 Wow. My nada picked a fight with me about my wedding once. I was just out of college...and single, not even dating anyone. But she always said, throughout my childhood, that a bride's wedding really belongs to the bride's mother not the bride. She must have meant that literally. Several years ago I was engaged to be married and called it off. Nada got engaged a few months later and I emailed her about it to ask if they'd picked a date. She got irate about the question and said it would be in the fall or winter. I said that if it made any difference, the only weekend that wouldn't work would be Labor Day weekend because I had unchangeable travel plans with friends...plane tickets bought etc. (Labor Day weekend that year would have been MY wedding, so my bridesmaids and I were going out of state to visit my maid of honor for a girls weekend instead). Nada immediately replied that she was getting married on September 4. Labor Day weekend. On the same day I was to have gotten married. In fact, her name got written in the church reservation book over top of where mine had been crossed out. So, same time, too. Mind you, that whole exchange over email was 20 minutes from my first email asking about a date (and her anger that it was too soon to set one!) to her saying when she was getting married. Then she called various relatives...who then all called me to tell me I was being childish by refusing to attend her wedding, that it wasn't MY day anymore it was hers. I was like...um, I didn't refuse to go, it was the one weekend of the year I could NOT change plans, she made that tantrum up. She didn't invite me to the wedding, but did ask me if I could babysit " the grandchildren " (her husband's grandchildren) during the ceremoney/reception and was LIVID when I re-explained that I wasn't going to be in town. Ninera > > Subject: Re: Wedding " fun " > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Date: Friday, February 19, 2010, 2:07 PM > oh, man, it was my nadas wedding, not > mine !! I didn't get a choice in > anything but the date and groom, which we fought about a > lot anyway !! Nada > didn't like anything I wanted for MY wedding, so > she'd just say no ( the > parents were paying for it) and do whatever she darn well > pleased. My > useless father told me to let her have her way...that was > his answer to > everything..always give in...sigh...I came SO close to just > eloping because > it was becoming the social event of the year > :-( she was inviting all > kinds of people I had never met and didn't know..SHE chose > the food for the > dinner, SHE chose the music, SHE chose the location..SHE > chose the flowers I > wore HER wedding gown...which is now stuffed in some box in > their attic, > being eaten by mice...but it's HER wedding gown and she > won't let me take > it... > > Jackie > > > > > Well, I just joined this group on the suggestion of blogger > (she is the > child of a BP too) and I must say, this is exactly what I > needed, to know > that I'm not crazy! Now, this is what I could use > some insight on from > fellow COBPs (like CODA, but only Child of BP instead). > > Have any of you had a wedding affected by a BP parent? I > got disowned by my > dad last March after I got engaged (moving out last March > was a huge slap in > his face, apparently) and he said that he's not attending, > my four littlest > siblings aren't allowed to attend, but my mom and my adult > younger brother > can decide for themselves. I'm the oldest of 6 kids. Well, > Brother #1 > disowned me as his sister in August after I sent him a > birthday card, > because he says I'm not acting like a part of the [last > name] family and he > can't associate with me while being part of the family, > since I'm > disrespecting my parents. > > And I can't just invite Mom only, because she's made it > clear that she sides > with my dad. She's basically a dishrag mom, because she > came from an abusive > home and obviously isn't able to stand up to him. I would > totally send > invites to my 4 littlest siblings just as souveniers, but > at Christmas my > parents sent me an email that this is an exception, they > let my siblngs have > my gift I mailed, but anything else will be returned > unopened. > > So....it's been a hard decision but I decided not to send > them invitations > just to be hurt by them again. On the other hand, if I > don't send them > invitations, there's no hope of reconciliation in the > future because that's > a huge thing not to invite them to. And I'm afraid that on > wedding day that > some people who don't know about the whole family situation > yet will ask me > where my parents and siblings are. I'm not sure what to say > to them, yet. > > Okay, long post short, I think I'm just fishing for wedding > stories from > people who were/are in the same position, to get some ideas > that way. > > Thank God for this group. > > > > > ------------------------------------ > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @.... > SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE > GROUP. > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call > 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to > “Understanding the Borderline Mother†(Lawson) and > “Surviving the Borderline Parent,†(Roth) which you can > find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community > and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 21, 2010 Report Share Posted February 21, 2010 It was beautiful...the end of june, but we had snow over night ! we were at a campground along the shores of one of the great lakes...Of course in 1981 there weren't cell phones anyway :-) Jackie >>our honeymoon was camping in the UP of Michigan..so no phones :-) << I *love* the UP...what a great place for a honeymoon, even better that there weren't any phones!! Ninera Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 21, 2010 Report Share Posted February 21, 2010 nadas dont ever really listen to their children....I've found that out so many times. I'm sorry your engagement ended, and I'm sorry your nada because so childish and picked to one day you told her you couldn't make it....she did it on purpose..because nada expect us all to change our lives just to accommodate them Jackie Wow. My nada picked a fight with me about my wedding once. I was just out of college...and single, not even dating anyone. But she always said, throughout my childhood, that a bride's wedding really belongs to the bride's mother not the bride. She must have meant that literally. Several years ago I was engaged to be married and called it off. Nada got engaged a few months later and I emailed her about it to ask if they'd picked a date. She got irate about the question and said it would be in the fall or winter. I said that if it made any difference, the only weekend that wouldn't work would be Labor Day weekend because I had unchangeable travel plans with friends...plane tickets bought etc. (Labor Day weekend that year would have been MY wedding, so my bridesmaids and I were going out of state to visit my maid of honor for a girls weekend instead). Nada immediately replied that she was getting married on September 4. Labor Day weekend. On the same day I was to have gotten married. In fact, her name got written in the church reservation book over top of where mine had been crossed out. So, same time, too. Mind you, that whole exchange over email was 20 minutes from my first email asking about a date (and her anger that it was too soon to set one!) to her saying when she was getting married. Then she called various relatives...who then all called me to tell me I was being childish by refusing to attend her wedding, that it wasn't MY day anymore it was hers. I was like...um, I didn't refuse to go, it was the one weekend of the year I could NOT change plans, she made that tantrum up. She didn't invite me to the wedding, but did ask me if I could babysit " the grandchildren " (her husband's grandchildren) during the ceremoney/reception and was LIVID when I re-explained that I wasn't going to be in town. Ninera Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 21, 2010 Report Share Posted February 21, 2010 I didn't want to invite my dad or step-nada to my wedding, and I was adamant that my bio-nada would not be attending. My husband, told me I was being childish. My father never invited me to his wedding. frankly, I never felt he had been a dad, that my grandfather was more a dad and wanted him to walk me down the aisle (well, to be precise, through a living room). So, husband threatened, I relented and invited them. THEN, do you know what happened? They bitched about how it was inconvenient for them to travel from Toronto to Calgary. Why not have it in Toronto, ....etcetcetc. The reason we chose Calgary is that we were at the time living in Winnipeg, we wanted a small wedding, and decided that Calgary was where 97% of the family was. We even made it during the time when my grandparents were visiting family out that way to make it more convenient. I mean really, my father thought it was reasonable to expect all of Glens family and half of mine to go to Toronto? Pfft. Anyway, if I was in your shoes? I'd send the invitations, all registered mail, addressed to each and every member of your family. Expensive, yes, but down the road when he claims that you never invited them, or they never arrived, you'll have proof that they did arrive, and he CHOSE to not attend. At the end of the day, force his hand to make that ultimate choice, if you don't send the invites, I think you'd not only be feeding the dysfunction. Also, it feels so much better to take the high road. You offered the dove of peace, if he shoots it, well, then its on his head, NOT yours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 21, 2010 Report Share Posted February 21, 2010 It seems every BP book has at least one story of nada ruining the bride's wedding. The one that sticks with me is in Understanding The BP Mother--where the nada wanted to plan the wedding, the daughter set a boundary, and nada wound up in the hospital the day of the wedding. So, the bride was met all day on her wedding day with well-meaning people saying: " How could you go forward with the wedding when your own mother is in the hospital? Couldn't you have waited? " Your wedding, unfortunately, contains every single trigger a BP has: the attention is about you, you are spending money on yourself that they resent not having, you are " abandoning " them, blah blah blah. In other words, I think the ideal of having them in attendance and acting semi-civil isn't in the realm of reality. As for your younger siblings, is there any way you could sneak a phone call? If I put myself in their shoes, I think I would appreciate some small communication as to where you are on this. If there is any way you could let them know " you are welcome, and I would love to have you. If I send an official invitation, it may add fuel to some fire or another, and I don't want you to get hurt. Just let me know what you want, but please know this has NOTHING to do with you! " Keep in mind: nada will probably, in her fit, tell the younger siblings there were excluded because of something THEY did. At the end of the day, though, you have no responsibilities to anyone but yourself and your husband-to-be. It should be YOUR day and YOU should define what that means!! No FOG allowed, if that's possible! Congrats! And may the day be magical! Blessings, Karla > > Well, I just joined this group on the suggestion of blogger (she is the child of a BP too) and I must say, this is exactly what I needed, to know that I'm not crazy! Now, this is what I could use some insight on from fellow COBPs (like CODA, but only Child of BP instead). > > Have any of you had a wedding affected by a BP parent? I got disowned by my dad last March after I got engaged (moving out last March was a huge slap in his face, apparently) and he said that he's not attending, my four littlest siblings aren't allowed to attend, but my mom and my adult younger brother can decide for themselves. I'm the oldest of 6 kids. Well, Brother #1 disowned me as his sister in August after I sent him a birthday card, because he says I'm not acting like a part of the [last name] family and he can't associate with me while being part of the family, since I'm disrespecting my parents. > > And I can't just invite Mom only, because she's made it clear that she sides with my dad. She's basically a dishrag mom, because she came from an abusive home and obviously isn't able to stand up to him. I would totally send invites to my 4 littlest siblings just as souveniers, but at Christmas my parents sent me an email that this is an exception, they let my siblngs have my gift I mailed, but anything else will be returned unopened. > > So....it's been a hard decision but I decided not to send them invitations just to be hurt by them again. On the other hand, if I don't send them invitations, there's no hope of reconciliation in the future because that's a huge thing not to invite them to. And I'm afraid that on wedding day that some people who don't know about the whole family situation yet will ask me where my parents and siblings are. I'm not sure what to say to them, yet. > > Okay, long post short, I think I'm just fishing for wedding stories from people who were/are in the same position, to get some ideas that way. > > Thank God for this group. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2010 Report Share Posted February 22, 2010 elora, I live in Calgary too! Unfortunately so does the rest of my PD disordered family. If I ever get married I am fleeing Calgary and eloping somewhere far, far away from this lot! Sorry your loony toon family tried to ruin your day. > > > I didn't want to invite my dad or step-nada to my wedding, and I was adamant that my bio-nada would not be attending. > > My husband, told me I was being childish. My father never invited me to his wedding. frankly, I never felt he had been a dad, that my grandfather was more a dad and wanted him to walk me down the aisle (well, to be precise, through a living room). > > So, husband threatened, I relented and invited them. > > THEN, do you know what happened? They bitched about how it was inconvenient for them to travel from Toronto to Calgary. Why not have it in Toronto, ....etcetcetc. > > The reason we chose Calgary is that we were at the time living in Winnipeg, we wanted a small wedding, and decided that Calgary was where 97% of the family was. We even made it during the time when my grandparents were visiting family out that way to make it more convenient. I mean really, my father thought it was reasonable to expect all of Glens family and half of mine to go to Toronto? Pfft. > > Anyway, if I was in your shoes? I'd send the invitations, all registered mail, addressed to each and every member of your family. Expensive, yes, but down the road when he claims that you never invited them, or they never arrived, you'll have proof that they did arrive, and he CHOSE to not attend. > > At the end of the day, force his hand to make that ultimate choice, if you don't send the invites, I think you'd not only be feeding the dysfunction. Also, it feels so much better to take the high road. > > You offered the dove of peace, if he shoots it, well, then its on his head, NOT yours. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2010 Report Share Posted February 22, 2010 That makes sense about the younger ones. I didn't " get " that they were so little! They are also darned young to absorb such a difficult truth. I have a 7 year old, and the explanations would be too much for him. Many times, the only thing I can do with younger family members is hold on to the truth for when they are ready. Trust yourself in this one--you have what it takes to do right by them and take care of yourself as well! p.s. I LOVE your idea about sharing all of the documentation with them. They will really enjoy that!! Blessings, Karla > > > > > > Well, I just joined this group on the suggestion of blogger (she is the child of a BP too) and I must say, this is exactly what I needed, to know that I'm not crazy! Now, this is what I could use some insight on from fellow COBPs (like CODA, but only Child of BP instead). > > > > > > Have any of you had a wedding affected by a BP parent? I got disowned by my dad last March after I got engaged (moving out last March was a huge slap in his face, apparently) and he said that he's not attending, my four littlest siblings aren't allowed to attend, but my mom and my adult younger brother can decide for themselves. I'm the oldest of 6 kids. Well, Brother #1 disowned me as his sister in August after I sent him a birthday card, because he says I'm not acting like a part of the [last name] family and he can't associate with me while being part of the family, since I'm disrespecting my parents. > > > > > > And I can't just invite Mom only, because she's made it clear that she sides with my dad. She's basically a dishrag mom, because she came from an abusive home and obviously isn't able to stand up to him. I would totally send invites to my 4 littlest siblings just as souveniers, but at Christmas my parents sent me an email that this is an exception, they let my siblngs have my gift I mailed, but anything else will be returned unopened. > > > > > > So....it's been a hard decision but I decided not to send them invitations just to be hurt by them again. On the other hand, if I don't send them invitations, there's no hope of reconciliation in the future because that's a huge thing not to invite them to. And I'm afraid that on wedding day that some people who don't know about the whole family situation yet will ask me where my parents and siblings are. I'm not sure what to say to them, yet. > > > > > > Okay, long post short, I think I'm just fishing for wedding stories from people who were/are in the same position, to get some ideas that way. > > > > > > Thank God for this group. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2010 Report Share Posted February 22, 2010 The thing about the wedding is... it is hugely symbolic as the first Big Event in your new life and household (doesn't matter if you've been living with your fiancee for years. It's still symbolism-laden.) The bridal magazines go on and on about the etiquette, who sits where, etc., and it's easy to just follow along. But when you're faced with a passel of dysfunctional relatives who have already demonstrated that they WILL make the effort to ruin your day, you need to think differently. As in, how do you want your FOO to fit into your new life? Then go from there. If you're planning to be NC/LC with your parents, maybe it's a good idea to set up and enforce your boundaries now. It is a wedding, families are supposed to be there in support, it's a wonderful day - the emotional response is to weaken your resolve and let them in, just this once. But it's not only a chance for them to have a hissy fit in the middle of your biggest " star turn. " It's the thin end of the wedge for future holidays and family events. First there's the wedding, then " family Christmases " and baby christenings, reunions and funerals for the next 50 years. Every event is an opportunity for the FOO to demand attention and compliance from you and your husband. How much contact and control do you want to offer to these people? I know that sounds mean-minded and negative. It's coming from experience - the holidays I've spent alone with my husband and son have been peaceful and joyous. The ones we've spent with my Nada or the equally loony and hideous in-laws have been stressful and exhausting. Every year we have to re-negotiate where and when we're going to have contact with these people. I heartily wish we'd drawn a firm line when we were first married, and that we had agreed on our policy about our respective FOOs before we were married. It would have saved a lot of trouble in our own home. If your parents are holding your younger sibs hostage, that's awful, but not a surprise. You could send them pictures or favors, and when they get older you might be able to spend time with them. Of course you want to let them know that you're not rejecting them - but it may not be possible to have them attend your wedding without opening the door to a full-tilt blowout of crazy parental behavior, and starting a ripple effect that you'll be fighting for years to come. Sorry to be such a drag. - > > > > > > > > Well, I just joined this group on the suggestion of blogger (she is the child of a BP too) and I must say, this is exactly what I needed, to know that I'm not crazy! Now, this is what I could use some insight on from fellow COBPs (like CODA, but only Child of BP instead). > > > > > > > > Have any of you had a wedding affected by a BP parent? I got disowned by my dad last March after I got engaged (moving out last March was a huge slap in his face, apparently) and he said that he's not attending, my four littlest siblings aren't allowed to attend, but my mom and my adult younger brother can decide for themselves. I'm the oldest of 6 kids. Well, Brother #1 disowned me as his sister in August after I sent him a birthday card, because he says I'm not acting like a part of the [last name] family and he can't associate with me while being part of the family, since I'm disrespecting my parents. > > > > > > > > And I can't just invite Mom only, because she's made it clear that she sides with my dad. She's basically a dishrag mom, because she came from an abusive home and obviously isn't able to stand up to him. I would totally send invites to my 4 littlest siblings just as souveniers, but at Christmas my parents sent me an email that this is an exception, they let my siblngs have my gift I mailed, but anything else will be returned unopened. > > > > > > > > So....it's been a hard decision but I decided not to send them invitations just to be hurt by them again. On the other hand, if I don't send them invitations, there's no hope of reconciliation in the future because that's a huge thing not to invite them to. And I'm afraid that on wedding day that some people who don't know about the whole family situation yet will ask me where my parents and siblings are. I'm not sure what to say to them, yet. > > > > > > > > Okay, long post short, I think I'm just fishing for wedding stories from people who were/are in the same position, to get some ideas that way. > > > > > > > > Thank God for this group. > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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