Guest guest Posted February 22, 2010 Report Share Posted February 22, 2010 Oh, yeah, definitely relate...but you do deserve it...both of you. I think it's awesome what you've both accomplished. Congrats! In a message dated 2/22/2010 4:50:06 P.M. Eastern Standard Time, kyjohnson40days@... writes: Jen-- 1 hour after reading your post, I finished a book of prayers I've been writing. I looked at the completed work and, instead of pride and accomplishment, I was thrown into a full-blown nauseous/choking panic attack. I am currently hugging it to my chest, walking around my house, and telling the voices: This is mine. All mine. I deserve this. No one else can take it from me. Yes. I can relate. Frickin' tapes still kick my behind. Karla > > Hi All, > > So, about a month ago I posted that I was finishing up my PhD...and I have. Since that time I've been examining all the doors I could potentially walk through next trying to determine which door is right for me...what I want, what I need, etc. No small task for anyone, much less a KO. I have spent a lot of time trying to refine what my needs and wants are and yesterday I think I figured out what I want and how to get it. > > This sent me into an uncontrollable crying fit. Like my heart was going to break and I couldn't understand why...when it finally felt like the clouds of doubt had cleared could I feel so totally despondent. > > And then I realized that my problem was the clearing of the clouds allowed all the old Tapes to start playing: > > - you don't deserve that > - you're not qualified > - you're not good enough > - No one is going to take you seriously > - Why bother reaching since you'll probably fail anyway > > Etc. etc. etc. I'm sure many of these are familiar to a lot of you. And what I was thinking about this morning is how many people go through the kind of uncertainty that I'm going through right now...for a variety of reasons. That this crossroads I'm navigating right now is part of the " normal human experience " . What sucks as a KO is that in addition to navigating this normal emotionally challenging experience I have to hit " stop, rewind, re-record " and replace the old tapes with new ones in order to actually move forward with my plans. > > Anyone relate? > > Jen > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2010 Report Share Posted February 22, 2010 *******YES!!!!******* I can relate! I am walking into a new portion of life, where I will be using my natural abilities and how I was hard-wired more fully. I am traveling far away from where my crazy FOO forced me to be and becoming all of those good things I was punished for. And every day, even as I go forward with clarity, I struggle to shuffle forward against the undercurrent of the old tapes. As I've become my own person (for the first time in my life) I, too, have been hit with times of profound grief right after moments of personal clarity. I wonder. . .as we move forward and become our own people, could we be grieving the ever-widening gap between ourselves and the hope of a family? The more I become myself, the farther away I am from the thought that I could ever go back and make it work. Just a thought. Good for you for stepping out despite the undertow. You have worked too hard and struggled too long and sacrificed too much to throw your PhD down the hole of " holding Jen back. " Keep us posted, if you would like, on where you end up. All of us nons will celebrate your future success and look to you as an example of what we can become!! Blessings, Karla > > Hi All, > > So, about a month ago I posted that I was finishing up my PhD...and I have. Since that time I've been examining all the doors I could potentially walk through next trying to determine which door is right for me...what I want, what I need, etc. No small task for anyone, much less a KO. I have spent a lot of time trying to refine what my needs and wants are and yesterday I think I figured out what I want and how to get it. > > This sent me into an uncontrollable crying fit. Like my heart was going to break and I couldn't understand why...when it finally felt like the clouds of doubt had cleared could I feel so totally despondent. > > And then I realized that my problem was the clearing of the clouds allowed all the old Tapes to start playing: > > - you don't deserve that > - you're not qualified > - you're not good enough > - No one is going to take you seriously > - Why bother reaching since you'll probably fail anyway > > Etc. etc. etc. I'm sure many of these are familiar to a lot of you. And what I was thinking about this morning is how many people go through the kind of uncertainty that I'm going through right now...for a variety of reasons. That this crossroads I'm navigating right now is part of the " normal human experience " . What sucks as a KO is that in addition to navigating this normal emotionally challenging experience I have to hit " stop, rewind, re-record " and replace the old tapes with new ones in order to actually move forward with my plans. > > Anyone relate? > > Jen > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2010 Report Share Posted February 22, 2010 Jen-- 1 hour after reading your post, I finished a book of prayers I've been writing. I looked at the completed work and, instead of pride and accomplishment, I was thrown into a full-blown nauseous/choking panic attack. I am currently hugging it to my chest, walking around my house, and telling the voices: This is mine. All mine. I deserve this. No one else can take it from me. Yes. I can relate. Frickin' tapes still kick my behind. Karla > > Hi All, > > So, about a month ago I posted that I was finishing up my PhD...and I have. Since that time I've been examining all the doors I could potentially walk through next trying to determine which door is right for me...what I want, what I need, etc. No small task for anyone, much less a KO. I have spent a lot of time trying to refine what my needs and wants are and yesterday I think I figured out what I want and how to get it. > > This sent me into an uncontrollable crying fit. Like my heart was going to break and I couldn't understand why...when it finally felt like the clouds of doubt had cleared could I feel so totally despondent. > > And then I realized that my problem was the clearing of the clouds allowed all the old Tapes to start playing: > > - you don't deserve that > - you're not qualified > - you're not good enough > - No one is going to take you seriously > - Why bother reaching since you'll probably fail anyway > > Etc. etc. etc. I'm sure many of these are familiar to a lot of you. And what I was thinking about this morning is how many people go through the kind of uncertainty that I'm going through right now...for a variety of reasons. That this crossroads I'm navigating right now is part of the " normal human experience " . What sucks as a KO is that in addition to navigating this normal emotionally challenging experience I have to hit " stop, rewind, re-record " and replace the old tapes with new ones in order to actually move forward with my plans. > > Anyone relate? > > Jen > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2010 Report Share Posted February 22, 2010 (((((((((((Jen)))))))))))) yes, those old tapes need to be rewound, pitched and burned. Stomp on them, jump up and down on them. They do not have to be a part of our lives now. May we all heal > > Hi All, > > So, about a month ago I posted that I was finishing up my PhD...and I have. Since that time I've been examining all the doors I could potentially walk through next trying to determine which door is right for me...what I want, what I need, etc. No small task for anyone, much less a KO. I have spent a lot of time trying to refine what my needs and wants are and yesterday I think I figured out what I want and how to get it. > > This sent me into an uncontrollable crying fit. Like my heart was going to break and I couldn't understand why...when it finally felt like the clouds of doubt had cleared could I feel so totally despondent. > > And then I realized that my problem was the clearing of the clouds allowed all the old Tapes to start playing: > > - you don't deserve that > - you're not qualified > - you're not good enough > - No one is going to take you seriously > - Why bother reaching since you'll probably fail anyway > > Etc. etc. etc. I'm sure many of these are familiar to a lot of you. And what I was thinking about this morning is how many people go through the kind of uncertainty that I'm going through right now...for a variety of reasons. That this crossroads I'm navigating right now is part of the " normal human experience " . What sucks as a KO is that in addition to navigating this normal emotionally challenging experience I have to hit " stop, rewind, re-record " and replace the old tapes with new ones in order to actually move forward with my plans. > > Anyone relate? > > Jen > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2010 Report Share Posted February 22, 2010 Seems to me that those who worry that they might have bpd aren't likely to have the disorder. Perhaps (like me) you have a ton of bpd " fleas " , but if you are actually able to perceive that your behaviors are hurting other people or are counter-productive to you, and if have the capacity to care about that (you don't want to hurt other people or yourself) and want very strongly to change those behaviors, then, as far as I understand it, people like us nons have a differently-functioning brain than those with bpd. Most bpds just can't grasp that they might have something wrong with their perceptions and reactions; most bpds believe that all their problems originate outside of themselves. Its always someone else's fault, is the way the bpd thinks. And if the bpd also has a lot of narcissistic pd traits, it appears (to me, anyway) that the bpd simply don't care that they're damaging other people (mostly their spouse and/or kids.) The bpd feels entitled to act out or inflict their own feelings of negativity, anger and frustration on others. So, bottom line, if you are worried that you might have a pd, you probably do not have a pd, and nons DO have the ability to make changes in their behaviors. > > > > > > Hi All, > > > > > > So, about a month ago I posted that I was finishing up my PhD...and I have. Since that time I've been examining all the doors I could potentially walk through next trying to determine which door is right for me...what I want, what I need, etc. No small task for anyone, much less a KO. I have spent a lot of time trying to refine what my needs and wants are and yesterday I think I figured out what I want and how to get it. > > > > > > This sent me into an uncontrollable crying fit. Like my heart was going to break and I couldn't understand why...when it finally felt like the clouds of doubt had cleared could I feel so totally despondent. > > > > > > And then I realized that my problem was the clearing of the clouds allowed all the old Tapes to start playing: > > > > > > - you don't deserve that > > > - you're not qualified > > > - you're not good enough > > > - No one is going to take you seriously > > > - Why bother reaching since you'll probably fail anyway > > > > > > Etc. etc. etc. I'm sure many of these are familiar to a lot of you. And what I was thinking about this morning is how many people go through the kind of uncertainty that I'm going through right now...for a variety of reasons. That this crossroads I'm navigating right now is part of the " normal human experience " . What sucks as a KO is that in addition to navigating this normal emotionally challenging experience I have to hit " stop, rewind, re-record " and replace the old tapes with new ones in order to actually move forward with my plans. > > > > > > Anyone relate? > > > > > > Jen > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 22, 2010 Report Share Posted February 22, 2010 Yes, my sister and I can totally relate. She would call your tapes the " Negative Cheering Squad. " She does a hilarious comedy routine about it too, like a cheerleader saying things like, " You can't do it, you can't do it " in Barbie-tour-guide smiley voice. It's a scream. Flowers -----Original Message----- > >>> And then I realized that my problem was the clearing of the clouds allowed all the old Tapes to start playing: >> >> - you don't deserve that >> - you're not qualified >> - you're not good enough >> - No one is going to take you seriously >> - Why bother reaching since you'll probably fail anyway >> >> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 23, 2010 Report Share Posted February 23, 2010 Jen-- For your new tape player: -You deserve it more than anyone. You've worked harder and come farther. -You are highly qualified. (A PhD is a big deal, you know). - " Good enough " is far below your abilities. You excel in your field. (I'm making a guess here--if I asked you to give me 5 other people in your field who are better than you at what you do, I'll bet you'd be stumped to find them. Am I wrong?) -You are a trusted expert. Your professionalism and poise and ability to handle yourself is obvious to everyone. -There is joy in success. Claim it, my friend!! > > Hi All, > > So, about a month ago I posted that I was finishing up my PhD...and I have. Since that time I've been examining all the doors I could potentially walk through next trying to determine which door is right for me...what I want, what I need, etc. No small task for anyone, much less a KO. I have spent a lot of time trying to refine what my needs and wants are and yesterday I think I figured out what I want and how to get it. > > This sent me into an uncontrollable crying fit. Like my heart was going to break and I couldn't understand why...when it finally felt like the clouds of doubt had cleared could I feel so totally despondent. > > And then I realized that my problem was the clearing of the clouds allowed all the old Tapes to start playing: > > - you don't deserve that > - you're not qualified > - you're not good enough > - No one is going to take you seriously > - Why bother reaching since you'll probably fail anyway > > Etc. etc. etc. I'm sure many of these are familiar to a lot of you. And what I was thinking about this morning is how many people go through the kind of uncertainty that I'm going through right now...for a variety of reasons. That this crossroads I'm navigating right now is part of the " normal human experience " . What sucks as a KO is that in addition to navigating this normal emotionally challenging experience I have to hit " stop, rewind, re-record " and replace the old tapes with new ones in order to actually move forward with my plans. > > Anyone relate? > > Jen > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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