assumption of relationship

[Guest guest]

How many of you have the problem of people instantly trying to attach themselves

to you? Assuming that there is a level of relationship or intimacy that there

isn't - basically forcing you into the position of going along with it or

rejecting them harshly? The reason it has to be a harsh rejection is that they

refuse to pick up on any smaller signals that you aren't interested or engaged

and keep insisting that the relationship exists. I'm not sure if I have this

problem because I'm attracting people who are behaving dysfunctionally and/or

that I don't know the appropriate social means by which to discourage the

attachment in the first place.

An example, at my old workplace I ran into a former acquaintance I went to

college with. He was a friend of friends but we'd never had an individual

friendship. He constantly wanted to get coffee, get lunch, and no matter how

many times I put him off or delayed replying to an email he'd keep on until I

finally agreed. I didn't feel right about saying, no never ever will I have

anything to do with you. He was a colleague, it wasn't romantic (he was

married), and he'd really done nothing wrong. I just wasn't interested in

having a friendship with him because he really didn't " get me " at all. But he

always talked as if we were best friends from way back - and what do I say to

that that doesn't sound utterly horrible? " Nope, you are wrong Joe, we were

just in the same social circle and I found you annoying even back then. " Sounds

horrible. Geeesh. Anyway, this is a big example which is over now but this

happens in smaller ways too.

I suspect this happens in part because my nada never ever allowed me to assert

myself. I was not allowed to hurt anyone's feelings, not just hers, without her

shaming the hell out of me. If there was ever a conflict or disagreement with

anyone, she always took the other person's side. It was drilled into my head

early and often that I was always supposed to yield, always give no matter what

it cost me. Even though I know this I still find it very hard to push people

away. I will do it, but I feel awful about it and always wonder if it's me who

is at fault.

Advice?

Thanks,