Re: Loving

February 18, 2010

....my nada was not interested in being friends with her children, she is not

interested in anything about us, what we do...only how it relates to

HER..like when are we going to visit ? we were never allowed to miss school

for any reason unless we were really sick...nada never once told me she

loved me...never hugged me nada NOW will once in a while say she loves me as

we'releaving after a visit..but not always, and since we dont visit any

more..that will not happen again..my nada had no sense of humor..what she

thought was fuuny was in reality crule torture of one of her kids...

Jackie

I think one thing that confuses me is that I read about all this hateful,

indefensible behavior and I wonder about my mom because she was also loving

to us amidst all the crazy.

In what ways were your parents authentically loving? My mom picked me up out

of school a few times just to hang out. She'd make my bed with 'hospital

corners', she was in nursing school so I'd get this bed that was made so

tight all I had to do was slip in between the sheets and I could get up in

the morning to a still-made bed. My mom told us she loved us all the time-

her mom was horribly abusive and really hated her, my mom left home at 14

and swore she'd make sure her kids knew they were loved- that was about the

only thing she did right to make sure we knew, was hug us and tell us a lot.

Everything else was kind of a nightmare but... lol We laughed a lot and she

used to love to crank up the music and get us all dancing.

a in WA

February 18, 2010

Hi a,

I appreciate your wondering here..l

It's weird, now that I think of it, my mom was in nursing school before she

dropped out. Seems nursing is a little bit of a theme (along with

teaching..which is not to say that teachers and nurses have this issue!).

One of the things I enjoyed with my mom was getting into her bed before school

and listening to the radio; my dad would be getting ready for work. I liked it

how she taught me and my sister how to do crafts like baking, crocheting,

knitting.

We did joke around a lot, my sister, myself and my brother, with my mom. In

some ways she was easy to get along with.

We would also go to Florida to visit my grandparents (mom's parents) and from

her we got a love of the ocean and an enjoyment of shell hunting and collecting.

She let us have pets when we were older (bunnies, a couple dogs, a cat, I had a

goat, my sister had hamsters).

It makes it confusing to know of the good times AND the bad times. Because once

I have a feeling towards her, she might change her behavior and I am blindsided.

The suicide stuff was hard too, of course.

thanks for your stories and thoughts

~patricia

Loving

I think one thing that confuses me is that I read about all this hateful,

indefensible behavior and I wonder about my mom because she was also loving to

us amidst all the crazy.

In what ways were your parents authentically loving? My mom picked me up out

of school a few times just to hang out. She'd make my bed with 'hospital

corners', she was in nursing school so I'd get this bed that was made so tight

all I had to do was slip in between the sheets and I could get up in the morning

to a still-made bed. My mom told us she loved us all the time- her mom was

horribly abusive and really hated her, my mom left home at 14 and swore she'd

make sure her kids knew they were loved- that was about the only thing she did

right to make sure we knew, was hug us and tell us a lot. Everything else was

kind of a nightmare but... lol We laughed a lot and she used to love to crank up

the music and get us all dancing.

a in WA

February 18, 2010

My mother was very " loving. " She was also severely abusive afterward--almost

invariably within hours or days. Every good gesture had a very definite cost.

I learned very, very young that what " I love you " or " You did a good job, "

really meant was duck and get out of the way because, very soon, there will be

hell to pay.

Her love was also very definitely manipulative. I was busy ducking and

covering, so it did not have much effect on me, but I saw how she played my

sister like a violin. Every nice gesture was intended to get the other person

to give her something she wanted: praise, company, a nice warm, fuzzy

feeling..something. But it was *never* about actual care. And, with my sister,

it worked. My mom was " loving, " my sister gave her what my mother wanted, and

everyone was happy. Except my sister is bpd. She never got a chance to have

stable care, good boundaries, an opportunity to explore her own feelings and

thoughts and identity, or anything else a child needs in the course of

developing. If she ever had a chance at not having a pd, my parents very

definitely destroyed it.

Also, a lot of what my mother did was to get everyone to feel the way she did.

If she was angry, everyone needed to be angry. If she was happy, so did the

rest of us. But what if your mom is in a good mood, while you had a terrible

day and just want to cry? Again, duck. There will be hell to pay.

Best,

Ashana

The INTERNET now has a personality. YOURS! See your Yahoo! Homepage.

http://in.yahoo.com/

February 19, 2010

I am all black in my family. Nada has given my borther's children birthday

presents and gifts all of their lives, my children have NEVER receivec even a

birthday card from nada. Nada gave second brother all the china and family

crystal and I got a set of dishes from Target.

One Easter brother and his family were coming to nada's home for a visit, I

stated I would also like to visit while they were there. Nada told me there was

no room for me.

and blah blah blah, all rejection, all no good enough. Very hard on self esteem

and certainly wrecks the relationship between nada and myself.

May we all heal

>

> My dad would wrestle with us (Brother #1), and that was fun. He'd make killer

homemade chicken nuggets for birthdays if we wanted, he'd surprise us with stuff

that we were saving up for (like I got a laptop once!). But then sometimes some

of his nice gifts, we were afraid that we wouldn't be showing enough gratitude,

or that he would hold the gifts over our heads if we weren't grateful or

obedient enough at some future date. ( " I buy you nice clothes, your laptop, took

care of your dog...you can't possibly be depressed! " )

>

> But since my dad disowned me last March he, my mom, and my adult younger

brother all believe that I see nothing but evil in my dad, forgetting that I

still care about him, and still think about the happy memories (though they

nearly always were fraught with tension, afraid and wondering when he'd snap.)

So now I can't see my four littlest siblings anymore. (I'm the oldest of 6.)

>

> As a subset to the question of loving actions, has anybody experienced this

" black OR white " thing, too?

>

> ~Holly

> (New member)

>

February 19, 2010

oh, yes, that's common...in our house my oldest brother was the golden

child...he could do no wrong..he was perfect..always white... I am the

opposite..I am " black " I am always bad, worthless, no good...doesn't matter

what good things I did do, like come up while nada was having cancer

treatment, no one else did ( I'm the youngest of 5 and live 425 miles away

from them..but I am the closest in distance), I brought them a trailer full

of wood one year, no one else did, I and hubby went up there one year to

pain their house, the others went there to pain too, but hubby and I were

the only ones who did any of the work !! Of course nada couldn't see

that...we've always been there..but I am a terrible daughter because I

didn't go up there for Christmas when nada wants me to ( it was a bad

winter, lots of ice storms and snow, and I have horses, so I'd be asking

someone else to be out on the bad roads to take care of them 2X a day) and

I'm a terrible daughter because I dont call them every week like the

perfect child did...

Jackie

As a subset to the question of loving actions, has anybody experienced this

" black OR white " thing, too?

~Holly

(New member)

February 20, 2010

Hey Jackie,

The black and white thing was not as obvious in our family; no one was *bad* but

my brother is definitely always *golden*. My sister I had difficulties with him

for

many different reasons and he always got away with things (like wrecking cars)

and

my mom would always (and still does) stick up for him. We couldn't say anything

bad about

him.

In many ways, this has caused distance and competition; as I am sure you can

recognize.

My mom sort of gloms onto the males in her life. Now I can't say anything bad

about my

sister's estranged husband because he is there at her house to take care of her

and sage.

While I can understand it and I should know better by now, I wish I could at

least talk about

the way *I* feel about it.

When we were teens, my sister was the 'black sheep' and she always felt that

way. She acted out

with a lot of drug use and 'bad' behavior. That's the time when she slapped my

mom's face.

At the time I was pissed at her but now I understand. I wish I could have

slapped my mom's face!

Not that she has been always horrible but just in certain moments.

~patricia

ps...I have always been the *good*, competent child who is strong and needs

nothing. Not true of course.

Re: Re: Loving