stuck in an emotional bind

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

I am hoping to get some answers on here regarding a victim mentality.

I feel like I subconsciously set myself up for situations where I expect, and

then become disappointed. This is separate, and something that I need to work

on...it is tied to this issue, however:

Whenever I feel happy, like truly happy (when I'm meditating); I am able to do

it once, and it feels so good. However, when I try to do it a second or third

time, I am unable to do so. I think it could be because I am waiting for the

other shoe to drop, or I am afraid of being happy because I feel I don't deserve

it. Or, I am also afraid it could be this: whenever I feel happy, I feel like

all the stuff that happened before (the abuse, losses, etc.) do not really

matter and I feel like seeing my Nada. Not sure why...it seems illogical.

Someone told me it is probably because I want love from her even though I cannot

expect the type of love from her that I want. Someone said if I feel like seeing

her for whatever reason (I have been NC since last April), I should do it when

I'm ready and not to expect anything. Then, there is nothing to lose.

I feel like my subconscious is telling me so. I don't know if this is trying to

get closure, or trying to do something that scares me in order to get out of a

victim role, or what. I'm not sure. I feel if I went back, it would be totally

different. But I am not sure if anyone else has done this?

Basically, before NC, I wrote a letter of confrontation and that was that. I

didn't invite a response. I was basically explaining my NC.

I fear hoovering, etc.

Ultimately, I just want to feel happy and have closure.

-Joy