anyone remember?

January 30, 2010

that's right...and with my nada, I think she ENJOYED fighting/yelling at

someone, so there was always high drama around home..

Jackie

I have come to the realization that bpd's don't really need a motive to say

what they say. I think they react on such distorted emotions and wrong

perceptions that they spew their anger at the weakest people around

them...primarily their children.

January 30, 2010

I always have this underlying worry about " what have I done? " . I know that I can

be a bad daughter at any time and for any reason.

I don't worry that the therapist is going to get mad at me, my worry is that

she will get tired of me, it is probably basically the same worry.

...Amy..

>

> I was always in trouble and someone mad at me too. unfortunately, now it

> makes me always wonder who's mad at me and I drive my therapist nuts thinking

> she's mad about something.

>

> In a message dated 1/30/2010 4:44:06 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,

> sleddog@... writes:

>

> Hi , I paid dearly for my " smartass " ways, though, and I wonder if

> your sister did as well. Nada was ALWAYS mad at me, even if I didn't

> say/do

> anything..I learned a long time ago there was no pleasing her so I mostly

> stropped trying, and started making my own little digs back at her....but

> I

> was always getting grounded for 2 weeks for this or that, when my siblings

> if they did the same thing, were just yelled at...plus other things...my

> siblings were allowed much more freedom that I ever was, so that was my

> way

> of rebelling.. my sisters curfew was 11 on week days and 1 on weekends..I

> wasn't allowed out on week days, and my curfew was 10 on weekends...even

> when I was older then the age my sister was at when she could stay out

> later. I never did anything wrong when out.. I wasn't a wild kid, and I

> was

> NOT rebellious or a smartass to anyone except nada..

>

> Jackie

>

> Hi Jackie,

> You remind me of my sister~ she was able to fight with my mom and give it

> all

> right back to her. I used to get mad at her, when I was younger, but then

> I

> was glad,

> because I could never do it. I thought she was brave that way. She stood

> up to what I

> think is almost the scariest thing there is....a raging hair-trigger nada!

> ~patricia

>

January 30, 2010

yup, same here...it was always someone who MADE her react ....I once told

her she gets mad because she LIKES to be mad..otherwise she would try to

control herself...oooh...wrong thing to say...another trip to the washroom

for my mouth washed out with ivory soap...

Jackie

my mother always made me responsible for her emotions...she always, always,

always blamed other people for how she felt and reacted.

January 31, 2010

Sorry, I wasn't clear. I apparently chose to partner with my ex because she

was so much like my mother. I'm going to go throw up now

B.

_____

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of pd

Sent: Sunday, January 31, 2010 2:23 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: Re: anyone remember?

~ your story is a " Wow " too. A .357? I don't understand what

you mean by: my mother figure BP ex. Is this your mother you are talking

about?

Either way....and I know mere words don't correct the way your brain might

interpret

things, nothing like this is your *fault* . A miserable angry person can

decide to

torment someone even after that miserable angry person kills herself.

How could it be your fault?

I'm sorry you had to endure all this.

~patricia

January 31, 2010

She did that every day for you to prove you loved her?! To a kid?! Wow. That

is beyond self-centered and thoughtlessly cruel.

I do understand better than most that someone serious about suicide will do

it. Period. I've been that person several times. The closer I got to it, the

less I wanted anyone to know. Had I done it, it would have been absolutely

no one's fault and no one's responsibility to stop me because they would not

have even had the option.

I get what you're saying. And I agree. I don't know where this doubt is

coming from unless it's just a holdover from childhood training.

Thanks,

B.

_____

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of doug883@...

Sent: Sunday, January 31, 2010 1:55 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: anyone remember?

Yea, ,

It was pretty horrible, and not the most horrible moment of a horrible

childhood. As many of us can relate, there are moments that stand out as

so horrible, but much of what we took for granted every day, others

would find truly awful.

One thing i urge you to wrap your arms around is this. You are not, and

never would be, responsible for another person taking their life. Oh, we

may have missed signs that would help us intervene and prevent it, once,

or twice, or several times. But the reality is a truly suicidal person

will commit suicide. And You. Cannot. Stop. Them. Period.

Furthermore, you are not responsible for the actions of any person

except yourself. You can influence, but not direct, others. And , as you

pointed out, after a while , it just gets old. Like the little boy who

cried " Wolf " , after a while you cry out and no one comes. So it is

with BP s. Sadly, about 10% of them will end their own lives. You can

only prevent it by doing what they want, ie give up your own life and

devote every moment to their needs.

In intervening with someone who is suicidal, we interupt the immediate

action, determine if there is intent, ability, means, and an active

plan, then follow up with counseling to help the person come to grips

with the emotions or events that make them consider suicide. For most

people, that is a great plan, and has good outlook for success.

Not, however, with a BP. How many of them agree to the follow up, or to

participate in therapy, for any of their insanity, hoarding,

relationships, depression, suicide, addictions, out of control sexual

behaviors, ( yea, we don t talk about that part of it on here much, but

likely we all have stories about how our nadas were inappropriate and

uncontrolled sexually, while condemning other family members for similar

activities, since that is often a part of their disorder.)

We , as the Hoover bait, the object of manipulation, intervene and

intervene to stop them from commtting suicide, over, and over, and over.

It didnt dawn on me till years later, but during my 9th grade year, my

nada would be at home alone all day, but then start her hysterics and

her daily ( for months!) " suicide attempts " as soon as I came in from

school. I was 14, so what did I know? I dutifully was Hoovered, and

took the knives or pills, and re assured her of my love once more, then

settled in for a nice peaceful evening. ( Yes, friends, that WAS

sarcasm. ) If she wanted to die, she would have made the attempt as

soon as I left for school.

It is , therefore, 90% manipulation, and 10% a successful attempt. But

in the process of ruining our lives, they play a dangerous game, because

there comes a point where we say, Enough, no more. F__ it, if you really

want to die, I m not going to stop you. I ll hate that, but I m NOT

going to spend the rest of my life stopping you. Get some help, or go in

the back yard so I don t have to clean up the mess in the house, but

that game is over.

And I say to all of us who hit that point, no guilt. We didnt cause it,

we couldnt fix it, and its not our fault or our responsiblity.

Brrr...I m so angry at all of them who put all of us through that, that

horror, and thinking if I dont do the right thing, my mother will die

and it will be my fault.

Doug

February 1, 2010

Hi Jackie:

Been there.

My dad was 24 years older than my nada and had congestive heart failure for

years. Many times when he had pain I was told it was my fault because of

something I had done. (Now, I was the quietest, meekest, withdrawn, depressed

kid around... i.e., I didn't cause trouble.)

Not your fault.

>

> Jackie~

> this lasagna thing......is freaking crazy! God. I wish it would help you by

me

> saying: NOT YOUR FAULT. I just can't believe this stuff...and it's not like I

> haven't experienced it for myself either!!

> ~patricia

> ----- Original Message -----

>

February 1, 2010

thanks :-) what a horrible thing to tell your child !! that her

fathers failing heath was her fault !! at least with me, I was 40 when she

started that !

Jackie

Hi Jackie:

Been there.

My dad was 24 years older than my nada and had congestive heart failure for

years. Many times when he had pain I was told it was my fault because of

something I had done. (Now, I was the quietest, meekest, withdrawn,

depressed kid around... i.e., I didn't cause trouble.)

Not your fault.

February 1, 2010