Re: inappropriate boundaries

[Guest guest]

oh yeah!! This reminded me of how if I had an opinion different from my

mother, she'd always ask me " who put that in your head? and who made you think

that? " As if I was incapable of having a thought or opinion of my own.

In a message dated 2/18/2010 1:27:30 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,

vegdeanna@... writes:

My nada wasn't as bad as some with this, but when I was maybe 14, she told

me that the only reason she ever had sex with my father was because he

wouldn't stop begging her for it. She complained to me about how childish he

was when they fought.

She never took my side in anything, always asked me what I did to make

someone treat me a certain way. She did take my side once when my aunt, whom

she believed to be evil from birth, took something from me. I knew, even

then, that it wasn't about standing up for me, but it was about HATING my aunt.

--- In _WTOAdultChildren1@WTOAdultChilWTO_

(mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ) , Hummingbird1298@, Humm

>

> My mother had very inappropriate boundaries with others and her children.

> If I had a friend or boyfriend, she would call up that person and try to

> have her own relationship with them. Usually she'd talk ABOUT me to the

> person and " swear them to secrecy. " People thought it was weird and it

cost me a

> lot of relationships.

>

> She also said things that were inapprorpiate for my age. Anyone's nada

do

> this?

> - when I was 10 she told me my dad was impotent and that's why they

never

> had sex.

> - I think I was also about 10 when she hysterically told me she had

breast

> cancer and was going to die (which wasn't even true...she did have a

> fribroid tumor that had to be removed but it was benign).

> - I have a mild physical disability and she put me in dance when I was

6. I

> was in a recital and some man in the audience commented 'they should

> haven't that little girl dancing up there.' This was while I was on

stage. It

> may or may not have been true, but my mother talked about it for months

and

> told everyone we knew right in front of me. It bothered me for years and

> years.

> - if there was any kind of money or health problems in the family she

came

> to me and worried me...instead of as I do with my own children, which is

to

> reassure them and let them know it's nothing about them and they will be

> okay. I never once remember my mother reassuring me about ANYTHING. Ever.

>

> I also never felt defended. If I got into a fight with another child, my

> nada always took that child's side. If I was hurt or crying or sick she

had

> the 'stop whining and get over it' theme going on for me.

>

> My uncle broke my arm once. She didn't take me to the doctor for an

entire

> week.

> I had a absessed tooth once and went a very long time (can't recall how

> long) without going to the dentist.

>

> In turn, I now have a very high pain tolerance.

>

>

>

>

> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

>

[Guest guest]

Oh yes.

I remember so many times growing up, her disclosing things about my father (they

were divorced) that should have never been told to me.

Worries about money, yep.

I was the grown up a lot of times, she'd cry and I'd try to soothe her.

When I met my now husband...and there was some wild and crazy sh*t going on with

her accusations, she'd call up his parents and tell them that I was

manipulative, and a horrible influence on him.

She invited his mom over, and they talked. But, the rub is that my MIL was a

nurse. A psychiatric nurse. She recognized crazy when she saw it. She also saw

all the locks on the doors in the house, all over the cupboards and other odd

things in the house. She didn't listen. If anything my MIL got closer to me. I

think she realized that I *needed* her. Which I did. I'm very very fortunate to

have her in my life.

My nada also talked her then husband into contacting my FIL at work, now, my FIL

was at the highest rank, and here was someone 4 levels down trying to boss him

around, didn't go over well.

When that didn't work, they had a " chat " with my then boyfriend, it escalated to

him screaming in my boyfriends face. That didn't work either. My husband is very

large and his dad was a Seargent Major, he knew his rights. Here was this little

french man trying to intimidate him into breaking up with me. At that point I

think it clicked for my husband, all the tales I told him....he finally realized

that I wasn't bullshitting him. On the outside, my NADA looked and acted

awesome, but when the crazy started, you better duck!

It's odd. I would have thought my mother would have been overjoyed at my being

involved with someone. She believed that I was having a sexual affair with her

husband (the screaming frenchman) and plotting to kill her.

[Guest guest]

YES..only I was 15 when she told me this exactl thing about my father..

>- when I was 10 she told me my dad was impotent and that's why they never

>had sex.

this happened to me too..I was the only child she did this too..funny thing,

though, fada made over $100,000 in the 1970's so I cant imagine they ever

had money problems !! there was always money for her to do/go wherever she

wanted...

>- if there was any kind of money or health problems in the family she came

>to me and worried me... I never once remember my mother reassuring me

>about ANYTHING. Ever.

oh, SAME here too ( are we siblings??) nada always defended the other

person..and if I was accused of anything, she always believed that other

person, never believed me..

>I also never felt defended. If I got into a fight with another child, my

>nada always took that child's side.

yup..or she'd say " stop your crying or I'll give you something to cry

about! "

> If I was hurt or crying or sick she had

>the 'stop whining and get over it' theme going on for me.

Jackie

[Guest guest]

My nada wasn't as bad as some with this, but when I was maybe 14, she told me

that the only reason she ever had sex with my father was because he wouldn't

stop begging her for it. She complained to me about how childish he was when

they fought.

She never took my side in anything, always asked me what I did to make someone

treat me a certain way. She did take my side once when my aunt, whom she

believed to be evil from birth, took something from me. I knew, even then, that

it wasn't about standing up for me, but it was about HATING my aunt.

>

> My mother had very inappropriate boundaries with others and her children.

> If I had a friend or boyfriend, she would call up that person and try to

> have her own relationship with them. Usually she'd talk ABOUT me to the

> person and " swear them to secrecy. " People thought it was weird and it cost

me a

> lot of relationships.

>

> She also said things that were inapprorpiate for my age. Anyone's nada do

> this?

> - when I was 10 she told me my dad was impotent and that's why they never

> had sex.

> - I think I was also about 10 when she hysterically told me she had breast

> cancer and was going to die (which wasn't even true...she did have a

> fribroid tumor that had to be removed but it was benign).

> - I have a mild physical disability and she put me in dance when I was 6. I

> was in a recital and some man in the audience commented 'they should

> haven't that little girl dancing up there.' This was while I was on stage. It

> may or may not have been true, but my mother talked about it for months and

> told everyone we knew right in front of me. It bothered me for years and

> years.

> - if there was any kind of money or health problems in the family she came

> to me and worried me...instead of as I do with my own children, which is to

> reassure them and let them know it's nothing about them and they will be

> okay. I never once remember my mother reassuring me about ANYTHING. Ever.

>

> I also never felt defended. If I got into a fight with another child, my

> nada always took that child's side. If I was hurt or crying or sick she had

> the 'stop whining and get over it' theme going on for me.

>

> My uncle broke my arm once. She didn't take me to the doctor for an entire

> week.

> I had a absessed tooth once and went a very long time (can't recall how

> long) without going to the dentist.

>

> In turn, I now have a very high pain tolerance.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

oh, yes, she'd tell me or one of my siblings that no I/they could have blah

blah blah because they didn't have the money, yet anything nada wanted, nada

got..expensive jewelry, name brand clothes..always had her hair done, drove

a decent car ( not new, but nice) we always had top of the line

furniture..appliances etc...lived in a large fancy house in the best

neighborhoods..we got a lot for Christmas, but it was mostly crap..she had a

sent amount she'd spend on each of us..and would buy cheap crap so she

could get more stuff..then claim we got a lot of things for gifts...I never

asked for much, because all I wanted was a horse...and I knew that would

never happen, even though it was promised to me several times..

Jackie

I think we might be related Jackie. My dad tells me now that we never had

money problems....all the years my mother said that's why I couldn't have

things.

Was it also confusing for you because what your mother said and what you

saw as reality were not the same?

For instance, my mother would always tell me I got more for Christmas than

other kids or I had better clothes or that other people were trashy and we

weren't or just generally say things that weren't what I witnessed in

reality. When my mother is SAYING I got more for Christmas and yet I went

to my

friend's house and saw she had more, I couldn't rationalize in my head my

mother was lying -- I just convinced myself it was true even when it

wasn't.

We lived our lives with these bpd parents in a very unreal and false

reality.

[Guest guest]

Hummingbird, do we have the same nada? Wow!

My nada used to speak to others about me, in a negative way, as though I was

absent. I was standing right there.

My nada used to hysterically scream and cry that she should just kill herself

because her kids were so bad, and nobody cared about her. Then she made several

threats to people outside the family that she wanted to kill herself;

interestingly nobody phoned it in. People seemed to buy her crap that her

children were horrible and driving her to insanity. Nada successfully trashed

our wee reputations all over town my entire childhood.

My nada humiliated me MANY times at dancing performances. One time she berated

me psychotically in the car ride to a dancing event so severely that she

couldn't calm herself by the time we arrived. She marched me around telling all

the other mothers to give her a gun so she can " just shoot me " She ALWAYS ripped

me hair violently while getting ready for dancing, angrily berated me in front

of all the other dancers and mothers, pointed out every flaw openly in front of

others such as a zit, big ears, bad hair, bad body odour, etc. Then she wondered

why I didn't want her anywhere near me when I was getting ready to dance. (I was

a champion but that seemed to fall by the wayside, compared to my repulsive

appearance and all).

I never was defended, ever. Nada ALWAYS screamed at me no matter WHAT,

especially when my brothers beat the hell out of me. Nada's response? Why do you

let them do that? What did YOU do to provoke it?

Any stress nada felt about finances, work, her friends, divorce, etc. ALWAYS got

put on her kids. Nada would scream, rant, wail away about the endless hardships

and there was always the implication that it was because of us kids. At least

that's the message I got. I remember feeling physically ill from guilt until I

was about 20; I felt that maybe things would have been better for her if I

hadn't been born, and that I was a burden, an extra mouth to feed.

I didn't get proper medical attention either, nada let me limp around for more

than a week at age 5 from a severely sprained ankle. No crutches or anything.

That ankle was never the same. I learned to NEVER let nada know if I was hurt

because she would turn it into something even more horrific than the original

injury. How DARE I get hurt and ruin her life? One time my older brother kicked

me in the stomach with a Sorel Boot on, so violently, that I thought I would

die. Nada just told him not to do that again. He did it again, and a lot worse,

of course.

>

> My mother had very inappropriate boundaries with others and her children.

> If I had a friend or boyfriend, she would call up that person and try to

> have her own relationship with them. Usually she'd talk ABOUT me to the

> person and " swear them to secrecy. " People thought it was weird and it cost

me a

> lot of relationships.

>

> She also said things that were inapprorpiate for my age. Anyone's nada do

> this?

> - when I was 10 she told me my dad was impotent and that's why they never

> had sex.

> - I think I was also about 10 when she hysterically told me she had breast

> cancer and was going to die (which wasn't even true...she did have a

> fribroid tumor that had to be removed but it was benign).

> - I have a mild physical disability and she put me in dance when I was 6. I

> was in a recital and some man in the audience commented 'they should

> haven't that little girl dancing up there.' This was while I was on stage. It

> may or may not have been true, but my mother talked about it for months and

> told everyone we knew right in front of me. It bothered me for years and

> years.

> - if there was any kind of money or health problems in the family she came

> to me and worried me...instead of as I do with my own children, which is to

> reassure them and let them know it's nothing about them and they will be

> okay. I never once remember my mother reassuring me about ANYTHING. Ever.

>

> I also never felt defended. If I got into a fight with another child, my

> nada always took that child's side. If I was hurt or crying or sick she had

> the 'stop whining and get over it' theme going on for me.

>

> My uncle broke my arm once. She didn't take me to the doctor for an entire

> week.

> I had a absessed tooth once and went a very long time (can't recall how

> long) without going to the dentist.

>

> In turn, I now have a very high pain tolerance.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

>

>

> My mother had very inappropriate boundaries with others and her children.

> If I had a friend or boyfriend, she would call up that person and try to

> have her own relationship with them. Usually she'd talk ABOUT me to the

> person and " swear them to secrecy. " People thought it was weird and it cost

> me a

> lot of relationships.

>

> ARGHGHGHGHGHGHG! Mine did the VERY SAME THING!!!!!!!!! And it also cost me

a lot of relationships!!!!!

[Guest guest]

my nadas spin on this was she'd get so upset and threaten to kill US, not

herself !! my nada would do the same...talk negatively about me as if I

weren't even there, but I was standing or sitting right beside her..her way

of trying to embarrass me. My nada knew nothing about horses or riding.. I

had a job in high school so I could lease a horse for 4-H...she made it to

ONE work out ( never to any shows), and berated me for not riding properly

( how would SHE know ??) she yelled I wasn't doing what some of the others

in the ring were ( we were in different classes..I wasn't supposed to be

doing the same things)but she was somehow an authority on it all...I totally

understand what you went through :-(

Jackie

My nada used to speak to others about me, in a negative way, as though I was

absent. I was standing right there.

My nada used to hysterically scream and cry that she should just kill

herself because her kids were so bad, and nobody cared about her. Then she

made several threats to people outside the family that she wanted to kill

herself; interestingly nobody phoned it in. People seemed to buy her crap

that her children were horrible and driving her to insanity. Nada

successfully trashed our wee reputations all over town my entire childhood.

My nada humiliated me MANY times at dancing performances. One time she

berated me psychotically in the car ride to a dancing event so severely that

she couldn't calm herself by the time we arrived. She marched me around

telling all the other mothers to give her a gun so she can " just shoot me "

She ALWAYS ripped me hair violently while getting ready for dancing, angrily

berated me in front of all the other dancers and mothers, pointed out every

flaw openly in front of others such as a zit, big ears, bad hair, bad body

odour, etc. Then she wondered why I didn't want her anywhere near me when I

was getting ready to dance. (I was a champion but that seemed to fall by the

wayside, compared to my repulsive appearance and all).

I never was defended, ever. Nada ALWAYS screamed at me no matter WHAT,

especially when my brothers beat the hell out of me. Nada's response? Why do

you let them do that? What did YOU do to provoke it?

Any stress nada felt about finances, work, her friends, divorce, etc. ALWAYS

got put on her kids. Nada would scream, rant, wail away about the endless

hardships and there was always the implication that it was because of us

kids. At least that's the message I got. I remember feeling physically ill

from guilt until I was about 20; I felt that maybe things would have been

better for her if I hadn't been born, and that I was a burden, an extra

mouth to feed.

I didn't get proper medical attention either, nada let me limp around for

more than a week at age 5 from a severely sprained ankle. No crutches or

anything. That ankle was never the same. I learned to NEVER let nada know if

I was hurt because she would turn it into something even more horrific than

the original injury. How DARE I get hurt and ruin her life? One time my

older brother kicked me in the stomach with a Sorel Boot on, so violently,

that I thought I would die. Nada just told him not to do that again. He did

it again, and a lot worse, of course.

[Guest guest]

Thank you Jackie. I am sorry you were molested. It's clear that both of our

nadas lack the ability to empathize, which is part of what makes them nadas,

huh? The experience wasn't as hurtful as it was confusing, really. Also, kind

of funny that I was SO confused, I questioned whether or not it really happened,

and whether or not my nada was able to KNOW that it didn't happen.

Deanna

>

> I was molested by the guy who lived behind us in KY...when I finally, YEARS

> later, told nada, all she said was dont tell your father, it will upset him

> !!! then she said that neighbor was a pillar of the community !! nothing

> more was ever said...she made it clear ( and that was a turning point for

> me) she just didnt give a danm about me or what happens to me...I was 35

> when I finally told her..I guess I'd get this reaction, so didnt tell her

> when it happened, because I still had to live with her until I was old

> enough to get out...Deanna, that must have been terrifying for you...and it

> must have hurt that your nada didnt care...

>

> Jackie

>

>

>

> , regarding nada's reality: When I was 12, I was walking home from

> soccer practice, cutting across the desert (1.5 miles) because my nada

> didn't want to be bothered to pick me up (so if I wanted to be in soccer, I

> had to walk home).

>

[Guest guest]

I hate that when they twist our reality around so we're not even sure

what's real or not !!! They are masters at it !!

Jackie

Thank you Jackie. I am sorry you were molested. It's clear that both of

our nadas lack the ability to empathize, which is part of what makes them

nadas, huh? The experience wasn't as hurtful as it was confusing, really.

Also, kind of funny that I was SO confused, I questioned whether or not it

really happened, and whether or not my nada was able to KNOW that it didn't

happen.

Deanna

[Guest guest]

Hi, I'm new here and am a little overwhelmed reading a lot of these messages and

seeing so much of my childhood here. I don't have the lingo down yet, but will

try to figure it all out!

Anyway, my mom always shared intimate details with me that I had no business

hearing about. She first told me about sex when I was about 4, and when I was

maybe 8 once described to me how " sex is like apple pie...once you have a taste,

you always want more. " She also used to complain about the lack of sex with my

dad and told me that as soon as my younger brother and I were out of school she

was moving out. All of this before I was even in middle school.

When I got older, my mom was the " cool mom " to a lot of my friends, and she

loved that role. She would take us to the mall or to concerts and act like she

was our age. When we all got to be about 15 or so and wanted to be left alone,

she would get very upset and start to cry right in the middle of the mall. My

friends (still my best friends today) didn't let it affect our friendship. We

all felt sorry for her because we thought my dad was the bad guy who made her

life miserable (that's another story, and my dad really is OK). She seemed to

not know the difference between being a parent and being a best friend, and

would use guilt to try to keep me closer to her than to anyone else.

The only relationships my mom had any impact on were my first boyfriends. For

years, long before I was even thinking about boys, all I heard was " All men are

jerks. They all act nice at first, but once they know they have you, they

completely change. " When she wasn't instructing me on the evils of men, she was

going out of her way to teach me how to flirt (in grade school), making me call

boys and invite them to the movies (also in grade school), and even once asked a

boy she knew I had a crush on if he would take me to prom. Talk about mixed

messages.

>

> My mother had very inappropriate boundaries with others and her children.

> If I had a friend or boyfriend, she would call up that person and try to

> have her own relationship with them. Usually she'd talk ABOUT me to the

> person and " swear them to secrecy. " People thought it was weird and it cost

me a

> lot of relationships.

>

> She also said things that were inapprorpiate for my age. Anyone's nada do

> this?

> - when I was 10 she told me my dad was impotent and that's why they never

> had sex.

> - I think I was also about 10 when she hysterically told me she had breast

> cancer and was going to die (which wasn't even true...she did have a

> fribroid tumor that had to be removed but it was benign).

> - I have a mild physical disability and she put me in dance when I was 6. I

> was in a recital and some man in the audience commented 'they should

> haven't that little girl dancing up there.' This was while I was on stage. It

> may or may not have been true, but my mother talked about it for months and

> told everyone we knew right in front of me. It bothered me for years and

> years.

> - if there was any kind of money or health problems in the family she came

> to me and worried me...instead of as I do with my own children, which is to

> reassure them and let them know it's nothing about them and they will be

> okay. I never once remember my mother reassuring me about ANYTHING. Ever.

>

> I also never felt defended. If I got into a fight with another child, my

> nada always took that child's side. If I was hurt or crying or sick she had

> the 'stop whining and get over it' theme going on for me.

>

> My uncle broke my arm once. She didn't take me to the doctor for an entire

> week.

> I had a absessed tooth once and went a very long time (can't recall how

> long) without going to the dentist.

>

> In turn, I now have a very high pain tolerance.

>

>

>

>

>