Anyone have any idea on this question

[Guest guest]

I recently had it out with Nada but didn't suggest BPD. I just asked her to let

me off the hook as her mother and asked her why she invests so much time in

everyone else except her children's and grandchildren's lives. She said yes to

me being off the hook as mother/therapist/confidant/sounding board/ motivator.

She couldn't answer the other question. She admitted self-sabotaging and didn't

know why she did this. Also she played down her gambling and drinking as

socialising.

Now my question. How can someone know how their loved ones feel and that they

have lost their children and families from their behaviour continue to live that

life? Not get any help, as I know she is sad about what has happened, but if my

brother and I don't accept her life as it is well tough. She said she wont

change. The way she is living and all her crazy friends and men mean more to

her than her family.

I know it is hard to change and BPD is involved. Many people change though I

know I certainly did when I become a MUM. You would think losing the ones you

love is a motivation in itself. Obviously this is not the case.

Just sad she has chosen her dysfunctional life over us.............

Kazam

[Guest guest]

" Just sad she has chosen her dysfunctional life over us............. "

Kazam, yes this is sad, but true. Your nada is SELFISH. That's what selfish

BPD's do. I am so sorry, your nada will never change.

I have a theory on how this is possible too. As long as a BPD can justify their

bad behaviors in their own mind, they will do anything. A justification is

always fabricated to allow them to act in any way, at any time, with any

consequence. If they have a just reason, then its ok. No matter how rediculous,

or false the justifications are they will always come up with something.

[Guest guest]

Kazam,

I think either the person has a limited capacity to feel empathy and therefore

doesn't really care that much about how their actions are affecting other

people, or they feel the consequences of changing will be unbearably high, or

both.  Many bpds seem to feel they will literally have their heads explode if

they choose new coping methods aside from the old dysfunctional ones.  It's hard

to compete with annihilation as a motivator.

You are right that most people can and do change.  Personality disorders are, by

definition, rigid and unflexible.  Their rigidity is part of what makes them

diseases.  People with pds do not change their behavior even when the

consequences of their behavior make them miserable.

Best,

Ashana

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[Guest guest]

Welcome to the Group!

That's a pretty good assessment of bpd behavior, the " me first " , narcissistic

component. But from what I understand " low functioning " and " high functioning "

simply refer to how much control an individual with bpd has over his or her

behaviors.

Low-functioning bpds have little control; they tend to act out toward other

people in public (yelling insults, throwing things, getting into fights) which

makes it hard for them to hold down a steady job. They tend to get in trouble

with neighbors and the police. They make suicide threats and attempts more

often.

The high-functioning bpds have more control over their behaviors and can seem

normal in public; they are able to " save up " their frustrations and anger and

only act out in private, against their own families in their own homes, where

they feel safe. These are the " invisible " bpds; only their family knows what is

behind their public mask.

-Annie

> >

> >

> > " Just sad she has chosen her dysfunctional life over us............. "

> >

> > Kazam, yes this is sad, but true. Your nada is SELFISH. That's what selfish

BPD's do. I am so sorry, your nada will never change.

> >

> > I have a theory on how this is possible too. As long as a BPD can justify

their bad behaviors in their own mind, they will do anything. A justification is

always fabricated to allow them to act in any way, at any time, with any

consequence. If they have a just reason, then its ok. No matter how rediculous,

or false the justifications are they will always come up with something.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

It wouldn't surprise me!

But then, with bpds, you never know.

-Annie

> I wonder though if many low-functioning bpds, because of their inability to

> keep control of themselves, realize that something is wrong with them, and

> high-functioning bpds, because they can behave in public, believe nothing is

> wrong.