Re: One child favored

[Guest guest]

Having emotionally abusive, personality disordered parents does hurt.

But the victory is yours, in the end. You are mentally healthy, you have a

loving, mentally healthy husband and a couple of lovely kids.

I guess the trick is to realize that you are truly the winner; on their very

best day ever, neither your nada nor your bpd-sister nor your toxic in-laws can

never be as genuinely joyful and blessedly peaceful and sane as you are.

-Annie

>

> Thanks everyone. My Nada goes so far as to say that she and my sister have

talked and I'm the one guilty of the bad behavior. So not only does she favor

and baby her, she conspires with her, apparently.

>

> She also will find the sore spot in my life and dig into it. She knows my

in-laws are difficult and crazy, so she spends an hour with them once a year,

then comes away from it telling me how mean and disrespectful I am of them. She

knows I try to have a relationship with them in spite of their behavior and that

I'm respectful, so I think she only says this to hurt me. Some mother. It's a

wonder I'm not in a nut house, as opposed to being in a happy marriage with 2

kids and lots of friends.

[Guest guest]

I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps it is impossible for someone with bpd (or any

of the Cluster B personality disorders) to relate to any other human being in a

genuine, authentic way.

I don't think they can, the more I think about it.

Really learning about another person's thoughts, feelings, tastes, opinions,

caring about another person's pain... I don't think they have that capacity,

even if they have the desire (which I doubt.)

The process requires empathy; I'm not convinced that any of the Cluster B pds

truly have the capacity for empathy. Plus, it takes effort to learn even a

fraction of who another person truly is, inside.

So instead of trying to connect with another person as a unique, separate, and

equal individual, the pd person simply assigns him or her a " role " based on the

bpd's idea of how that role ought to be played.

And how easy to assign a " role " to a newborn child who has no say in the matter,

instead of helping that baby discover who she really is as a unique individual.

-Annie

>

> You know, I was thinking of this " thing " with the BPD parent; creating roles

for the children. And I began to build up a great sense of sorrow (this is

because my sister has just died) over the years that we all (three of us) bought

into these roles. The way that she kept us from bonding normally. My sister

and I became good friends but when we were little I felt distant and annoyed by

her; she was my mom's 'baby' and got lots of attention. My brother was a bully,

but he was my mom's 'golden one' (because he could make her laugh), he never did

any chores. And I was the one that got to hear all the personal intimate

information, and who got to take care of her when she had an accident and came

home from the hospital; I was in elementary school and scared to death.

>

> So now, as we are in our mid-age, one sibling dead, and this great resentment

I have for my brother, though I do talk to him, I feel that she conditioned us

in this way that we were not able to recognize and overcome. It's like normal

sibling relationships were stolen away from us. It's very sad and destructive.

When I see other families getting along and happy (this is why the holidays are

particularly bad for me) I feel a very deep sense of sadness and loss and like I

am an outcast.

> ~patricia

> Re: One child favored

>

>

> I'm so sorry for your problems.

>

> If it helps any, from what I have read nadas always favor one child - one is

a 'saint' and can do no wrong and the other is a 'sinner' and is evil and can do

nothing right. This is partially due to their black and white thinking -

everyone is either all good or all bad - no shades of grey. It is a very warped

way of looking at people of course but we ARE talking mentally ill people here.

>

> If you are an only child like I am, you are at different intervals a saint

AND a sinner. I have come to the conclusion a long time ago that you can't win

with a BPD and you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. It doesn't

make it any easier to deal with sometimes, but now that my nada is extremely

close to the end of her life, I am now a Saint all the time which is much better

than the verbal abuse and games she was playing but anyway this has been a

roller coaster ride I will never forget and I'm sure none of us will.

>

> Just believe in your heart that you know you're a good person and whatever

she says is immaterial. I know it's difficult but otherwise you are letting her

win and you are losing.

>

>