Re: Anxiety and Fear

[Guest guest]

why would your nada walk you down the isle ? I would ask an uncle or male

friend

your reactions are totally normal...it's YOUR wedding if you dont want her

there dont invite her...remember, you are an adult now, and she cannot

control you unless you allow her to...I know easier said than done...

Jackie

As I become more aware and resiliant to interactions with my nada I actually

fear having to speak with her to the point where I shake with anxiety. Just

the thought of having to call her or talk to her makes me ill. I am getting

married in June and dont know how I will confront this challenge...I suppose

some time apart will help, but at this point just the thought of her beside

me walking me down the isle makes me sick. I feel like if I could just avoid

her at all costs maybe she wont hurt me anymore with her toxic words and

lousy outlook on life.

[Guest guest]

It has been similar with me. Your body is trying to tell you something. I

think, for me, that I spent so many decades telling myself I " had to " deal with

her, and repressing my emotions. My body kind of reached a point where it just

couldn't take it anymore. Now, anytime I see her I feel sick.

>

> As I become more aware and resiliant to interactions with my nada I actually

fear having to speak with her to the point where I shake with anxiety. Just the

thought of having to call her or talk to her makes me ill. I am getting married

in June and dont know how I will confront this challenge...I suppose some time

apart will help, but at this point just the thought of her beside me walking me

down the isle makes me sick. I feel like if I could just avoid her at all costs

maybe she wont hurt me anymore with her toxic words and lousy outlook on life.

>

[Guest guest]

That's what happened to me, too. For whatever reason I became unable to " numb

out " and unable to just ignore seeing, hearing or reacting to nada's meanness,

negativity, jealousy, stealth insults, negative comparisons, attempts to pick

fights, etc. And my body was accumulating repressed anger and outrage over the

mistreatment. When I reached that tipping point and couldn't take it anymore, I

just fled. I don't want contact anymore, I can't handle it anymore.

I get where you guys are coming from.

-Annie

> > >

> > > As I become more aware and resiliant to interactions with my nada I

actually fear having to speak with her to the point where I shake with anxiety.

Just the thought of having to call her or talk to her makes me ill. I am getting

married in June and dont know how I will confront this challenge...I suppose

some time apart will help, but at this point just the thought of her beside me

walking me down the isle makes me sick. I feel like if I could just avoid her at

all costs maybe she wont hurt me anymore with her toxic words and lousy outlook

on life.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

MARY! I wish I'd had you around when I got married. I would've kept you close

to my side.

I swear I still wish my husband and I had eloped. My parents made my wedding a

day I dreaded and wished would go quickly. I had no joy in it. They sucked it

all out of it.

I can't watch shows about weddings b/c they make me feel awful.

My husband surprised me on our 15th wedding anniversary with a surprise vow

renewal ceremony. It was lovely...until my nada did her thing. She hadn't been

told about it until 2 days before the event--that was my brother's idea, not to

tell her--and at the ceremony, she dramatically leaned on a table, gasping for

air and crying that she'd been left out. As usual, she did what she needed to to

be the center of attention. I thought it was fitting that she'd pissed on my 1st

ceremony AND the 2nd one!

> >

> > As I become more aware and resiliant to interactions with my nada I actually

fear having to speak with her to the point where I shake with anxiety. Just the

thought of having to call her or talk to her makes me ill. I am getting married

in June and dont know how I will confront this challenge...I suppose some time

apart will help, but at this point just the thought of her beside me walking me

down the isle makes me sick. I feel like if I could just avoid her at all costs

maybe she wont hurt me anymore with her toxic words and lousy outlook on life.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Jackie,

thanks for the laugh!! (I was LMAO about asking the next door neighbor to walk

her down the aisle!!--that would probably be much better!)

I had to laugh at all you said b/c it mirrors my wedding day so much.

" HER wedding day... " My nada would have loved to have taken over. I was

exhausted when it was all over more from trying to keep her out of it than from

the sheer work of it all.

....and don't let's get started on the groom...Lordy, my mother still hasn't

gotten quite used to him!

Want to hear something even creepier? On my wedding day, service is over, the

reception's done, I'M done, ready to step out in front of a truck from all the

stress...my brother who came to the wedding with my parents (and who I've

mentioned i'm not sure if he's bp or just has fleas) comes to me and says " hey,

you ready to go? " I said, " go where? " He says, " Home! " I said, " Um, I'm.

Married. Not going to your home. " It freaked me out that, even after witnessing

my marriage, he still couldn't see that I was starting a new family.

UNbelievable.

>

> I see no reason why you couldn't walk down the isle by yourself ( it's shown

> on TV that way all the time) or if your soon to be husband has a brother,

> father, uncle who would be willing to help you out...a next door

> neighbor...if not, they you can give yourself away..it's all about YOU

> anyway , whatever YOU want and feel comfortable with!! PLEASE dont let your

> mother take over!! My nada controlled everything about my ( oh, I mean HER

> wedding) except I did get to pick out the groom...and she wasn't really

> happy about that that either !! and CONGRATULATIONS !!!

>

> Jackie

>

>

>

> You ask a very good question Jackie, and I am ashamed to admit that I

> thought since my dad was not alive that it was something I was supposed to

> do. Unfortunately, I am not very good a

> t trusting myself and my decisions and I also think I've been in denial

> about my mom this past year. I am only just now realizing she will never

> change and that she truly is toxic.

>

> I wish there were some person I could say would be right for the job of

> giving me away at my wedding but there isn't and maybe I need to be ok with

> that. Thank you for making me think!!

>

> Des

>

[Guest guest]

nada did not bring a change of clothes for me to wear at the reception !! I

had something to change into, and had them in a bag by the door and told

her do NOT forget it...but she told my sister in law that I should remain

in the wedding dress until after the reception, so she didn't bring my stuff

on purpose!! ( my sister in law did !!) nada was mad because I didn't wear

the wedding dress the next day to open the wedding gifts !! it was HER

wedding dress, I wanted a different one, but she said if we cut costs,

she'd give me the saved money ( of which we never got any, of course!!)

but the dress was NOT comfortable, and had to be altered because I have

bigger body parts in the chest than she...and I had to be sewn in...I was

NOT about to make a spectacle of myself and wear a wedding gown all over

town !!

that is creepy that your brother thought you would go back to the parents

house ?? did he think it was just a pretend wedding ??

Jackie

Jackie,

thanks for the laugh!! (I was LMAO about asking the next door neighbor to

walk her down the aisle!!--that would probably be much better!)

I had to laugh at all you said b/c it mirrors my wedding day so much.

" HER wedding day... " My nada would have loved to have taken over. I was

exhausted when it was all over more from trying to keep her out of it than

from the sheer work of it all.

....and don't let's get started on the groom...Lordy, my mother still hasn't

gotten quite used to him!

Want to hear something even creepier? On my wedding day, service is over,

the reception's done, I'M done, ready to step out in front of a truck from

all the stress...my brother who came to the wedding with my parents (and who

I've mentioned i'm not sure if he's bp or just has fleas) comes to me and

says " hey, you ready to go? " I said, " go where? " He says, " Home! " I said,

" Um, I'm. Married. Not going to your home. " It freaked me out that, even

after witnessing my marriage, he still couldn't see that I was starting a

new family. UNbelievable.

[Guest guest]

Amen into these insights.....I know this place always helps me remember the

reality of the situation with a borderline. That always helps me with my own

clarity and yes inner peace.

Malinda

To: WTOAdultChildren1

From: anuria-67854@...

Date: Sat, 6 Feb 2010 18:45:03 +0000

Subject: Re: Anxiety and Fear

Exactly. We've discussed that tendency in the borderline pd mother here RE their

house-keeping behaviors: nadas appear to either be obsessive clean-freaks or

they live in filth: one extreme end of the spectrum or the other.

And you've picked up on another category: nadas seem to be either over-involved,

domineering control-freaks or they resentfully refuse to be involved (abandoning

behaviors) or they say they will be involved but are unreliable (aka

passive-aggressive behavior).

There doesn't seem to be just a calm, rational, mentally-healthy middle ground

for a nada. Its one extreme or the other for them.

-Annie

> > >

> > > I know exactly how you feel !!! it was nadas wedding not mine !! she

> > > picked the caterer/food she picked location/hall, she picked the guests,

she

> > > picked the music, she picked the photographer, she picked the

flowers...she

> > > had me wear her dress ( and refused to let me take it then afterward, but

> > > it's stuffed in a plastic bag in their attic, so it doesn't have any

meaning

> > > to her..but that's Ok, I no longer want it because it was hers first) she

> > > was a busy body and fluttering everywhere..the priest told her it was time

> > > for her to sit down, and she yelled at him and said she will sit down when

> > > she feels like sitting down !!

> > >

> > > Jackie

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > My nada made my wedding planning and day totally miserable. If only I had

> > > known about BPD and been stronger back then! You deserve better, it's a

day

> > > you onlly get to do once. Hugs!

> > >

> >

>

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