Appreciation and Thanks

[Guest guest]

I have to tell you all, you have no idea how close you have become

to my heart. I have you all listed in my journal and pray for you

each time I open up to write about my day. I guess I need to deter

from our children to ourselves for a little bit.

For years I thought I was an awful mother. I thought I had failed

my children, I thought my husband (who passed away in 1990) would

not ever want to speak to me in heaven.

3 of my 4 children have serious issues. I mean it had to be my

fault, how could things that had been good go so bad, I never

dreamed anyone else faced the same heartache I did. I never dreamed

that others would understand my pain, frustration, and just down

right confustion.

People say things like " that child is an example of his parents " ,

or " she is getting what she deserves for the way she raised

them " , 'well, if you hadn't spoiled them', my ex husband even tried

to convince me (quite successfully for awhile) that I was a bad

mother and wife. I mean honestly my friends how many " good " meaning

people have basically told you that if your kids take the wrong path

in life it is your fault that you didn't raise them right.

But here, I have found many many people face the same heartbreak

that I live with. We are good people, maybe with different issues

in our own lives, but we are facing what quite honestly would make

Goliath turn tail and run.

One of the younger ladies in my office made a statement this week

that cut me so deep. She didnt realize what she was saying but her

comment was " I am so glad my life isn't full of drama " . I have been

crying off and on for a week straight. I don't want drama either,

but everyday, it is right there and it has to be faced, dealt with,

and moved on. This girl is also one (who doesn't have children)

but ultimately believes it is the parents fault.

The tears are less yes, but I did go to the dr. and he did put me on

anti depressants. just to many emotional things to deal with right

now. But coming here, I know in my heart that there are others that

struggle daily. It is not just me, and it is not all my fault.

I love my children, each one is my heart. I am so thankful my

oldest moved away. I can't stand to live near her, she tears me to

shreds. The more I read, the more I learn, I do believe that she

just might be BPD as well, they have her on meds for bp but she has

at least 5 traits of the bpd. she is 32 now. and with distance

between us, we actually get along better. Of course I just ignore

alot of what she says to me, let it go and let it be.

Since the dr has said my 2nd daughter has BPD, drugs, bad

relationships,abandoment fears, depression, get this, I did not

realize for years that her pulling her eyelashes out was a

significant sign of issues, thought it was like chewing her nails.

When I noticed she was doing that we would always sit and talk about

what was bothering her. But finally waking up to the fact that she

was doing some of the things I had so hard tried to keep her from,

well it just broke my world. But will regather my shattered

emotions.

Has anyone ever told you all how strong you are. I am so tired of

that. What choice do we have? We are faced with hard decisions,

and hard life choices and struggles every day. Our challenges are

not ones that we choose, they are almost thrown at us.

I know I have kind of rambled on, but I do not think I could face

this new heartbreak without this place to come and know that I am

not alone.

sharon