grief

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I am having a hard time with grieving; for some reason I cannot seem to find a

group around here even though it's a populated area. But what can I do but move

along and cry when it comes and try to keep from getting into that place of not

doing anything at all. It's weird, at a time when I feel I am ready to open

doors of new opportunity, I am paralyzed by these feelings.

I was thinking of the moment when my sister died. I mentioned this before. I

watched her take her last breath; very peaceful, but immediately she had fluid

come from her mouth and so I lost the moment and tried to clean her so my mom

and my niece would not be upset. My mom came up behind me not knowing had

passed and when I told her she was gone, my mom started, I don't know, sobbing,

making noise, and I guess I wanted peacefulness. So I said: shhhh. Not mean.

And my mom got one of those 'tones' " don't shush me! " . In some ways, my sister

would say to me: that figures. And my mom collapsed in the chair; I had to make

sure she didn't fall (her feet and legs are bad).

Anyway, my point is not all that, but that this mental condition of hers,

conditioned me this way and it has robbed so much from not just me but her. We

couldn't have a heartfelt moment, or me giving compassion (my sister probably

would have). And I find myself this evening missing that opportunity yet

knowing how excruciating it is to let her (mom) in and give her what she needs

Even a death of her daughter, my sister prevented me. (please send me one

more plate of guilt on my order!)

~patricia