Why am I here? Informational session and beyond.

[Guest guest]

Hello to all!

Well, I joined this listserv, so I figure I might as well pontificate on the

subjects that brought me here. ) In review, I am a 36-year-old single mom of

two. I am 5'6 " and tip the scales at 260 pounds. I have like so many others,

struggled with my weight since junior high school. I never weighed over 200

pounds until about 1994. I had my first child, and went up to about 240 at

delivery. I lost some weight, gained it back. I go up and down the scales over

the years 20-40 pounds with calorie restrictions and exercise, that I eventually

stop doing, and gain it back. In 1999, I weighed the most ever @ 276 pounds,

although I believe that it might have been, more but I stopped weighing myself

for a month or so. My mom had some heart problems which was the impetus for my

107 pound weight loss that brought me from 276 down to 162 pounds, and a 107

pound weight loss. This I did on my own through will, calorie intake of

1,200-1,500 per day and then I walked up to 5 miles per day every day, either on

the tread mill or outside. Now, I am back to 260 pounds. I am miserable. I

try and fail. I try and fail. I can't seem to get back whatever it was that

helped me lose 107 pounds (although, I tend to trade one addictive behavior for

another, and a man played a role in that weight loss~~nuff said about that).

So, I am a nurse. We do gastric bypasses at my place of employment. I have

several nurse coworkers who have had it and have lost 80-100 pounds and they

look great.

I was really put off by our " informational session " , and this is part of what I

want to discuss, as well as get some information from you guys because in my

life, the most information that I get is from other people in my situation, or

people who have been in my situation.

This informational session had about 50 people in it all probably over 250

pounds, and mostly women. The person running the session (one nurse and one

doctor) all stood up and told this crowd of morbidly obese women that it was not

their fault that they were obese. I looked around and thought, OK, so everybody

here has a thyroid problem then with the exception of myself? I am fat because

I eat too much, I eat high calorie, high fat foods, and I do not exercise.

Period. End of " my " story. I could not believe that this doctor and nurse were

telling us all that this was not our own fault. Listen, I can still want

gastric bypass even if I realize that I eat too much, that I binge eat, and that

I do not exercise. The problem that I had was that I felt that it was all a

lie, and it made me have a great mistrust and feeling of ill will toward the

presenters. How can I trust a doctor and nurse telling me that it is not my

fault, when in my heart of hearts, I know that in fact, it is my fault. It felt

like this big pity party of fat women being placated by a skinny doctor and

nurse. That is not what I wanted or came there for. Now, there was

information, and that is what I wanted. However, I just could not get beyond

the theme of the session.

This session also talked about how if you binge, or have emotional problems this

might not be the right thing for you to do. Again, I looked to my right and

left and thought to myself, you people are frickin' kidding me. You think that

we all got this size, without binge eating? Not to mention, I have seen the

people that they perform these surgeries on. I work on psych as well, and we

have bipolar, severely mentally ill people, and they do these surgeries on

mentally ill people as well, so that also gave me a distrust of this program

right away and these presenters.

Morever, they said during the program that the surgery works by calorie

restriction, malabsorption, and that you still have to exercise and eat right.

So, I think to myself, well sheesh, if I have to reduce my calories, eat right,

and exercise to lose weight, what the heck do I need this surgery for?!? I have

worked through some of this with my sisters who both are vehemently against this

surgery. I told them, yeah, but we say that, and we never do it, and we never

do it permanently. Their response is that 50% of people with gastric bypass

will regain their weight, to which I respond, well 90% of non-surgical

intervention weight loss people will gain their's back.

My biggest fear are surgical complications. Maybe, this is more pronounced for

me because I have cared for professionally, people with gastric bypass

complications who are on TPN and lipids through a central line, or have severe

wound infections, or have developed a pulmonary embolism or deep vein thrombosis

over the deal. I have two boys that I am responsible for, and I cannot have

anything happen to me. I do not have high blood pressure (yet). I do not have

diabetes (yet, but neither have any of my other family members who are 250-300

pounds). I do have severe gastro-reflux disease, terrible knee and joint pain,

sadness (depressive symptoms) due to my weight (and other things), and other

problems. So, I think my problem is that the benefits section has not

outweighed the risk section. There are no guarantees. I want more assurance

that I will be OK during and after surgery. I know that this listserv cannot

give it to me neccessarily.

What I cannot figure out is why I am unable to make the decision, stick with it,

and do it on my own. Why is that. I know the number of calories in every food

on the planet. I was so strict with my calorie counting that I would count 10

calories in my stick of gum, and measure the half and half in my coffee and

count that. I know what to do. I know how to do it. I have done it in the

past. Nobody can tell me anything about losing weight that I do not know, have

not tried, or have not read. If somebody could tell me how to switch on

will-power, temperance, self-control, and keep it on for a lifetime, THAT WOULD

BE SOMETHING NEW. Until then, Craig, Weight Watchers, Nutri-System, LA

Weight Loss, blah blah blah.... are just different forms of calorie restrictive

programs, that would all work if the will would follow. I even have had a

membership at the YMCA for over a year that I have used maybe twice. I have a

treadmill downstairs, good for drying clothes. My problem is behavioral. And,

Dr. Phill and Oprah have not switched on any magic light bulb for me either. My

dad was an alcoholic, my parents marriage messy, I had other troubles as a kid

and teenager, I realize, and know all of this. I cannot fix or change my past.

It is what it is and it will always be there. I do not blame my fatness or

behavior on my past. What I want to know is how to exert my will. Why don't my

desires to lose weight and keep it off, change my will and inner strength into

succeeding at what I want?

I am 36. I have watched my mom buy every new book and try every new diet on

this earth quite literally. She is 68. I should take a digital picture of her

book shelf. Dr. Phill, Oprah, Video's, Cassette tapes, and a closet full of LA

weight loss foods.... it is endless. She has never permanently succeeded at

weight loss and exercise. Why? I wish that I knew.

I feel like in 30 years, I will either be my mom (who I love dearly), or have

gastric bypass and have a better chance at permanent weight loss and maintenance

when I am 68 years old. My sister is 43 and weighs 340. My other sister is 45

and weighs 275ish, and my mom is 68 and weighs 268ish. And, here am I 36 years

old and 260. I do not believe the genetic concept either. In my family, we all

eat way too much, and eat the totally wrong items, and that is why we are all

fat. It is behavioral, and thus a choice. But, why is it a choice that I have

not been able to make permanently? I guess if I had the answer, I'd be rich.

Ahhh, the questions..... the ironing out of issues. I am stuck in a rut. I

don't want a tool. I want something to fix me. I don't believe everybody goes

into this surgery thinking, " Yes, it is just a tool " . This isn't a screwdriver

or a wrench, or an oil change: this is an overhaul, a new motor, a different

engine. How is it that Roux N Y helps obese people? IT FORCES behavior

modification. The force is strong enough to help some make permanent changes

that last a long time. For others, like a man that I cared for once (two days

post-op his mom brought him in candy corn, it spilled onto the floor, and he

could not pick it up. He threw blankets onto the floor to try to cover it up,

so that his nurse (me) wouldn't see it. I don't think this surgery will work

for him. He'll either die trying, or end up staying fat or regaining the

weight).

If a person would force themselves to eat 200-600 calories a day for 6-12 months

we'd call them anorexic, yet for us, it is gastric bypass. This surgery forces

the caloric restriction that we could not do on our own, yes?

I cannot negotiate this entire thing in my own mind. I cannot move past this

spot that I am in. Thanks for hearing me out.

Fire away....

Kathy Minnesota

Merry Christmas )