Re: confusion about going back to contact

[Guest guest]

Hi Joy,

Thanks for sharing.

If you're feeling like you want to contact your nada, then maybe that is a step

on the way in your healing, whatever outcome with her occurs.

As you say - her changing and you all being happy - probably won't happen. But

maybe you'll have a civil relationship together going forward.

At least, that's where I'm at at the moment. I visited my FOO recently (for a

max 5 day visit). Nada was critical of dad, but not me (maybe because now I'll

call her on it.) She did have a rage on the 4th day (directed at everyone). I

was very happy to return to my home after the visit. I'm still angry at her,

and want an apology, but I'm not sure what I'm going to do next. At this stage

I'm just focusing on therapy for myself.

Often in therapy I'm thinking - nada is not that bad anymore, maybe I didn't

have it that bad and over-reacted. I'm still trying to overcome denial and

realise that what did happen still result in me having an unhappy adult life.

In my visit, I (mostly) stopped feeling responsible for rescuing my father.

He's an adult - if he chooses to stay married to her than that is his business.

And I'm angry at nada - I don't feel responsible for helping her and I feel her

liklihood of ever changing is just about nil. However, I do feel responsible

for helping my younger sisters get the same help that I've received. I haven't

done/said anything to them yet though. I'm still not sure what I should do.

I just wanted to let you know that someone else is grappling with similar

issues. I wish you well. It sounds like your prayer with God was the truth.

(Not the worries after.)

Kind Regards,

P.Bear

>

> I have been NC with my Nada for about 9 1/2 months now. I have been feeling

VERY good about things and how my healing has progressed.

>

> However, there is something in me that wants me to contact her. I feel that if

she sees that have changed and she has no effect on me, that may change her and

we will all be happy.

>

> However, that's not the most realistic expectation. I think it is more wishful

thinking and trying to get from her what I never got before.

>

> It's just that I feel so good (compared to how I ever was during contact), I

almost feel that nothing would have an effect on me.

>

> I think we have a pretty good idea how this will end.

>

> It could also be about closure. I feel on some level, I don't have closure.

I'm sure I can get it from myself, but it is difficult. I keep wondering *what

if*.

>

> Another reason I get confused is I start to wonder about the moments of

clarity sandwiched inbetween the BP moments...the BP moments seem farther and

farther away as I work through my issues and grief. It seems as thought they

begin to unravel, but the positive times I had with her remain. I start to feel

like I didn't have it that bad, and this whole time, I was just feeling a little

too sorry for myself.

>

> Then I wonder, was I wrong? Did I overreact? Maybe, now that I am less

co-dependent and no longer enmeshed in her world I will be immune to it and

somehow have a different relationship with her?

>

> I prayed about this confusion within myself since my logical mind is at odds

with my emotional side. During prayer, I felt God was telling me that it is not

my responsibility to save my mother, and that I can only focus on my territory

and to leave these things to him. I felt better after this. However, I am

worried God may ask me to go some other time, and if I refuse, he will be

disappointed or angry.

>

> I am probably getting God confused with my upbringing in which much guilt and

shame was involved.

>

> Don't really know.

>

> I am guessing that others have been in this sort of emotional bind before of

over resonsibility? I feel I don't even want anything from her--not even an

apology...however, I feel since I am getting better, it is somehow my

responsibility to try and help my FOO and Nada.

>

> -Joy

>

[Guest guest]

Joy, if 9 months is all it has taken you to feel like you can be around her

again, WOW you are so far ahead of me. I've been NC/LC for almost 3 years and I

am still afraid of my nada. I keep hoping that with enough therapy and EMDR,

plus life experiences where I stand up for myself in other ways, I will someday

be able to be in her presence without feeling sick. I wish I could hurry it

along, but it is going very, very slowly.

Deanna

>

> I have been NC with my Nada for about 9 1/2 months now. I have been feeling

VERY good about things and how my healing has progressed.

>

> However, there is something in me that wants me to contact her. I feel that if

she sees that have changed and she has no effect on me, that may change her and

we will all be happy.

>

> However, that's not the most realistic expectation. I think it is more wishful

thinking and trying to get from her what I never got before.

>

> It's just that I feel so good (compared to how I ever was during contact), I

almost feel that nothing would have an effect on me.

>

> I think we have a pretty good idea how this will end.

>

> It could also be about closure. I feel on some level, I don't have closure.

I'm sure I can get it from myself, but it is difficult. I keep wondering *what

if*.

>

> Another reason I get confused is I start to wonder about the moments of

clarity sandwiched inbetween the BP moments...the BP moments seem farther and

farther away as I work through my issues and grief. It seems as thought they

begin to unravel, but the positive times I had with her remain. I start to feel

like I didn't have it that bad, and this whole time, I was just feeling a little

too sorry for myself.

>

> Then I wonder, was I wrong? Did I overreact? Maybe, now that I am less

co-dependent and no longer enmeshed in her world I will be immune to it and

somehow have a different relationship with her?

>

> I prayed about this confusion within myself since my logical mind is at odds

with my emotional side. During prayer, I felt God was telling me that it is not

my responsibility to save my mother, and that I can only focus on my territory

and to leave these things to him. I felt better after this. However, I am

worried God may ask me to go some other time, and if I refuse, he will be

disappointed or angry.

>

> I am probably getting God confused with my upbringing in which much guilt and

shame was involved.

>

> Don't really know.

>

> I am guessing that others have been in this sort of emotional bind before of

over resonsibility? I feel I don't even want anything from her--not even an

apology...however, I feel since I am getting better, it is somehow my

responsibility to try and help my FOO and Nada.

>

> -Joy

>

[Guest guest]

once you go NC does not mean you can never have contact again. You go NC,

and heal more and quicker, you may be about to LC and handel a little of

nada at a time and not real often...you may even heal enough to be able to

have full contact again...it will be YOU how changed, not her..you will have

learned how to deal with her and how not to let it bother you...but it is

NOT your responsibility to help your nada/FOO..you can help them because you

want to, not because you feel you should

Jackie

I have been NC with my Nada for about 9 1/2 months now. I have been feeling

VERY good about things and how my healing has progressed.

However, there is something in me that wants me to contact her. I feel that

if she sees that have changed and she has no effect on me, that may change

her and we will all be happy.

However, that's not the most realistic expectation. I think it is more

wishful thinking and trying to get from her what I never got before.

It's just that I feel so good (compared to how I ever was during contact), I

almost feel that nothing would have an effect on me.

I think we have a pretty good idea how this will end.

It could also be about closure. I feel on some level, I don't have closure.

I'm sure I can get it from myself, but it is difficult. I keep wondering

*what if*.

Another reason I get confused is I start to wonder about the moments of

clarity sandwiched inbetween the BP moments...the BP moments seem farther

and farther away as I work through my issues and grief. It seems as thought

they begin to unravel, but the positive times I had with her remain. I start

to feel like I didn't have it that bad, and this whole time, I was just

feeling a little too sorry for myself.

Then I wonder, was I wrong? Did I overreact? Maybe, now that I am less

co-dependent and no longer enmeshed in her world I will be immune to it and

somehow have a different relationship with her?

I prayed about this confusion within myself since my logical mind is at odds

with my emotional side. During prayer, I felt God was telling me that it is

not my responsibility to save my mother, and that I can only focus on my

territory and to leave these things to him. I felt better after this.

However, I am worried God may ask me to go some other time, and if I refuse,

he will be disappointed or angry.

I am probably getting God confused with my upbringing in which much guilt

and shame was involved.

Don't really know.

I am guessing that others have been in this sort of emotional bind before of

over resonsibility? I feel I don't even want anything from her--not even an

apology...however, I feel since I am getting better, it is somehow my

responsibility to try and help my FOO and Nada.

-Joy

[Guest guest]

Hi Deanna,

Since there are varying degrees of bpd, perhaps my Nada's is different than

yours.

*OR*, I have read various places on the internet that some parents with bpd are

able to be good parents. Not to say that it is not a hindrance for them in some

way. It depends on how they act out. I would describe my Nada as a

high-functioning Queen with some waif tendencies. She definitely acts out.

There are also other factors. I was around my Nada AND grandparents a good

portion of my development years so it may have diluted the effects some. It was

the worst from 14 years onward (i lived with her until I turned 25) when I was

living with just her and my 2 younger sisters.

I can't really tell though. I still have some fear about visiting her. It hasn't

all vanished. I think half of it is the fear of not knowing. I may feel better,

but it might not be the right time yet. I feel I have grown a lot and learned a

lot about this process...who knows? Maybe I still have some wing-spreading to do

that I am not even aware of yet.

This morning, I feel that going back needs to be centered more around me rather

than my Nada, even though I feel guilty about it sometimes. Since I have never

spread my wings quite this much before, I have no idea how much more I need to

spread them...or I could risk chopping them off again my visiting her.

I'd rather fly for awhile first and realize my true self and true potential.

Best,

Joy

> >

> > I have been NC with my Nada for about 9 1/2 months now. I have been feeling

VERY good about things and how my healing has progressed.

> >

> > However, there is something in me that wants me to contact her. I feel that

if she sees that have changed and she has no effect on me, that may change her

and we will all be happy.

> >

> > However, that's not the most realistic expectation. I think it is more

wishful thinking and trying to get from her what I never got before.

> >

> > It's just that I feel so good (compared to how I ever was during contact), I

almost feel that nothing would have an effect on me.

> >

> > I think we have a pretty good idea how this will end.

> >

> > It could also be about closure. I feel on some level, I don't have closure.

I'm sure I can get it from myself, but it is difficult. I keep wondering *what

if*.

> >

> > Another reason I get confused is I start to wonder about the moments of

clarity sandwiched inbetween the BP moments...the BP moments seem farther and

farther away as I work through my issues and grief. It seems as thought they

begin to unravel, but the positive times I had with her remain. I start to feel

like I didn't have it that bad, and this whole time, I was just feeling a little

too sorry for myself.

> >

> > Then I wonder, was I wrong? Did I overreact? Maybe, now that I am less

co-dependent and no longer enmeshed in her world I will be immune to it and

somehow have a different relationship with her?

> >

> > I prayed about this confusion within myself since my logical mind is at odds

with my emotional side. During prayer, I felt God was telling me that it is not

my responsibility to save my mother, and that I can only focus on my territory

and to leave these things to him. I felt better after this. However, I am

worried God may ask me to go some other time, and if I refuse, he will be

disappointed or angry.

> >

> > I am probably getting God confused with my upbringing in which much guilt

and shame was involved.

> >

> > Don't really know.

> >

> > I am guessing that others have been in this sort of emotional bind before of

over resonsibility? I feel I don't even want anything from her--not even an

apology...however, I feel since I am getting better, it is somehow my

responsibility to try and help my FOO and Nada.

> >

> > -Joy

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Absolutely Joy, all nadas are different in different ways. People write on here

about how sometimes their nadas are sweet, loving and caring. Or how their nada

took great care of them when they were sick. My nada was never really loving,

in my view. She was just maybe neutral at times. So while some long for their

" loving " nada, I don't think I ever had that. Just nasty-mean or neutral.

Deanna

> > >

> > > I have been NC with my Nada for about 9 1/2 months now. I have been

feeling VERY good about things and how my healing has progressed.

> > >

> > > However, there is something in me that wants me to contact her. I feel

that if she sees that have changed and she has no effect on me, that may change

her and we will all be happy.

> > >

> > > However, that's not the most realistic expectation. I think it is more

wishful thinking and trying to get from her what I never got before.

> > >

> > > It's just that I feel so good (compared to how I ever was during contact),

I almost feel that nothing would have an effect on me.

> > >

> > > I think we have a pretty good idea how this will end.

> > >

> > > It could also be about closure. I feel on some level, I don't have

closure. I'm sure I can get it from myself, but it is difficult. I keep

wondering *what if*.

> > >

> > > Another reason I get confused is I start to wonder about the moments of

clarity sandwiched inbetween the BP moments...the BP moments seem farther and

farther away as I work through my issues and grief. It seems as thought they

begin to unravel, but the positive times I had with her remain. I start to feel

like I didn't have it that bad, and this whole time, I was just feeling a little

too sorry for myself.

> > >

> > > Then I wonder, was I wrong? Did I overreact? Maybe, now that I am less

co-dependent and no longer enmeshed in her world I will be immune to it and

somehow have a different relationship with her?

> > >

> > > I prayed about this confusion within myself since my logical mind is at

odds with my emotional side. During prayer, I felt God was telling me that it is

not my responsibility to save my mother, and that I can only focus on my

territory and to leave these things to him. I felt better after this. However, I

am worried God may ask me to go some other time, and if I refuse, he will be

disappointed or angry.

> > >

> > > I am probably getting God confused with my upbringing in which much guilt

and shame was involved.

> > >

> > > Don't really know.

> > >

> > > I am guessing that others have been in this sort of emotional bind before

of over resonsibility? I feel I don't even want anything from her--not even an

apology...however, I feel since I am getting better, it is somehow my

responsibility to try and help my FOO and Nada.

> > >

> > > -Joy

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi P.Bear,

It sounds like you've grown a lot. I have been curious about EMDR and the affect

it has on PTSD. Has it helped a lot? I have heard it is used to treat PTSD.

I have also struggled with my youngest sisters. They are adults now, but they

have hold me responsible for not speaking with my Nada. They both lived at home,

now one has since moved out (the youngest who just turned 20); and the other one

who is still there (she is 25) who was also very angry with me.

I suppose looking back, I did scare them, and I didn't explain that I would be

going NC with my Nada beforehand, because she demanded that I not visit the

house while she was not there (meaning not visit my sisters). Then, I freaked

because I still had possessions I really cared about that were there and I

imagined I wouldn't be able to get them, so I drove there when she wasn't there

and got it.

Then, I left a note for my sisters saying I wouldn't visit for a little while,

because there was friction going on between our mother and myself.

That in turn freaked them out, and my Nada wrote an email to me saying that what

I had done my leaving letters was just like our father (who had stalked us in

1990). However, I thought: but we had not relationship or connection to him, and

he stalked under the radar). Since I had a relationship with my sisters, and I

was there & they were there when I left the letters, I saw no reason for it to

be that way. I thought it was better than saying nothing at all and leaving the

explanations to Nada, which may be worse. Also, I was afraid to tell them while

I was getting my stuff because since they are more enmeshed with Nada on a day

to day basis than I was and am, they would most likely phone her out of

desperation if they thought that was in fact what I was doing (yes, even if it

was my stuff).

It is so confusing, and in the end, I can see that I freaked people out without

meaning to. I feel guilty about it even though at the time I felt like I had no

alternatives. None at all. I also feel I was in the throngs of PTSD. I got

chills out of no where, felt sick to my stomach, had a racing heart...all of

that. And I had flashbacks.

When all is said and done...yes, I could have acted differently but I can't feel

guilty about it forever. I did the best that I could with what I had

essentially. It is all so confusing, and everyone has an entirely different

perspective of what happened in the past, what is happening now, and who is to

blame (which is myself that is to blame).

It seems that they are aware on some level that my Nada can't function, and so

they are unable to blame her. My sister sympathizes with her and blames me, and

the other one is angry with Nada, yet blames me for the " mess " that I left

behind as she says.

My grandparents and sisters (and Nada) are furious that I sent a letter to my

Nada that outlined abuse and said why I couldn't be there. They said now that I

sent it, she is really angry and I am an ungrateful daughter. One of my Uncles

said even if it were true, I shouldn't have written it. One of my sisters

pleaded with me: Mother was going to be fine with everything that you did, but

now you are still remaining no contact? and she referred to me in an expletive

and has not spoken to me since. She also asked " why, why, did you have to send

it to our grandparents also? "

(the reason I did was because I felt I received more real parenting from them

than my Nada, and I thought they would at least help me, but unfortunately they

are very upset with me and my uncle who lives with them told me if I want to

visit them, they require that I speak with my mother first)

I don't know why I am sharing all this. I suppose it STILL bothers me and I

still haven't gotten over it. I see it in a new light now, and I can see it from

their perspective, and it makes me feel guilty somehow when before it didn't. I

wonder if PTSD has something to do with it?

-Joy

> >

> > I have been NC with my Nada for about 9 1/2 months now. I have been feeling

VERY good about things and how my healing has progressed.

> >

> > However, there is something in me that wants me to contact her. I feel that

if she sees that have changed and she has no effect on me, that may change her

and we will all be happy.

> >

> > However, that's not the most realistic expectation. I think it is more

wishful thinking and trying to get from her what I never got before.

> >

> > It's just that I feel so good (compared to how I ever was during contact), I

almost feel that nothing would have an effect on me.

> >

> > I think we have a pretty good idea how this will end.

> >

> > It could also be about closure. I feel on some level, I don't have closure.

I'm sure I can get it from myself, but it is difficult. I keep wondering *what

if*.

> >

> > Another reason I get confused is I start to wonder about the moments of

clarity sandwiched inbetween the BP moments...the BP moments seem farther and

farther away as I work through my issues and grief. It seems as thought they

begin to unravel, but the positive times I had with her remain. I start to feel

like I didn't have it that bad, and this whole time, I was just feeling a little

too sorry for myself.

> >

> > Then I wonder, was I wrong? Did I overreact? Maybe, now that I am less

co-dependent and no longer enmeshed in her world I will be immune to it and

somehow have a different relationship with her?

> >

> > I prayed about this confusion within myself since my logical mind is at odds

with my emotional side. During prayer, I felt God was telling me that it is not

my responsibility to save my mother, and that I can only focus on my territory

and to leave these things to him. I felt better after this. However, I am

worried God may ask me to go some other time, and if I refuse, he will be

disappointed or angry.

> >

> > I am probably getting God confused with my upbringing in which much guilt

and shame was involved.

> >

> > Don't really know.

> >

> > I am guessing that others have been in this sort of emotional bind before of

over resonsibility? I feel I don't even want anything from her--not even an

apology...however, I feel since I am getting better, it is somehow my

responsibility to try and help my FOO and Nada.

> >

> > -Joy

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Interesting. Yeah, mine was loving and sweet one day or one moment, than mean

the next. I wonder sometimes if the loving sweet side is a brief glimpse into

who she really is...who knows?

-Joy

> > > >

> > > > I have been NC with my Nada for about 9 1/2 months now. I have been

feeling VERY good about things and how my healing has progressed.

> > > >

> > > > However, there is something in me that wants me to contact her. I feel

that if she sees that have changed and she has no effect on me, that may change

her and we will all be happy.

> > > >

> > > > However, that's not the most realistic expectation. I think it is more

wishful thinking and trying to get from her what I never got before.

> > > >

> > > > It's just that I feel so good (compared to how I ever was during

contact), I almost feel that nothing would have an effect on me.

> > > >

> > > > I think we have a pretty good idea how this will end.

> > > >

> > > > It could also be about closure. I feel on some level, I don't have

closure. I'm sure I can get it from myself, but it is difficult. I keep

wondering *what if*.

> > > >

> > > > Another reason I get confused is I start to wonder about the moments of

clarity sandwiched inbetween the BP moments...the BP moments seem farther and

farther away as I work through my issues and grief. It seems as thought they

begin to unravel, but the positive times I had with her remain. I start to feel

like I didn't have it that bad, and this whole time, I was just feeling a little

too sorry for myself.

> > > >

> > > > Then I wonder, was I wrong? Did I overreact? Maybe, now that I am less

co-dependent and no longer enmeshed in her world I will be immune to it and

somehow have a different relationship with her?

> > > >

> > > > I prayed about this confusion within myself since my logical mind is at

odds with my emotional side. During prayer, I felt God was telling me that it is

not my responsibility to save my mother, and that I can only focus on my

territory and to leave these things to him. I felt better after this. However, I

am worried God may ask me to go some other time, and if I refuse, he will be

disappointed or angry.

> > > >

> > > > I am probably getting God confused with my upbringing in which much

guilt and shame was involved.

> > > >

> > > > Don't really know.

> > > >

> > > > I am guessing that others have been in this sort of emotional bind

before of over resonsibility? I feel I don't even want anything from her--not

even an apology...however, I feel since I am getting better, it is somehow my

responsibility to try and help my FOO and Nada.

> > > >

> > > > -Joy

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Joy,

You needn't feel guilty about what you did (send a letter). What you did was

understandable given the situation. You did what you needed to for you (which

is ok) - tell the truth. If others had trouble hearing the truth, then that is

their shortcoming / problem / their guilt knowing that they did wrong or failed

to help you.

Your grandparents and Uncle have certainly behaved badly, and your sisters. You

sending a letter that Nada reacted angrily to means Nada is at fault (NOT you).

She's the one behaving badly. Relatives may try to blame you, but it is NOT

your fault that Nada behaves badly and how other relatives react to it.

P.Bear

>

> Hi P.Bear,

>

> It sounds like you've grown a lot. I have been curious about EMDR and the

affect it has on PTSD. Has it helped a lot? I have heard it is used to treat

PTSD.

>

> I have also struggled with my youngest sisters. They are adults now, but they

have hold me responsible for not speaking with my Nada. They both lived at home,

now one has since moved out (the youngest who just turned 20); and the other one

who is still there (she is 25) who was also very angry with me.

>

> I suppose looking back, I did scare them, and I didn't explain that I would be

going NC with my Nada beforehand, because she demanded that I not visit the

house while she was not there (meaning not visit my sisters). Then, I freaked

because I still had possessions I really cared about that were there and I

imagined I wouldn't be able to get them, so I drove there when she wasn't there

and got it.

>

> Then, I left a note for my sisters saying I wouldn't visit for a little while,

because there was friction going on between our mother and myself.

>

> That in turn freaked them out, and my Nada wrote an email to me saying that

what I had done my leaving letters was just like our father (who had stalked us

in 1990). However, I thought: but we had not relationship or connection to him,

and he stalked under the radar). Since I had a relationship with my sisters, and

I was there & they were there when I left the letters, I saw no reason for it to

be that way. I thought it was better than saying nothing at all and leaving the

explanations to Nada, which may be worse. Also, I was afraid to tell them while

I was getting my stuff because since they are more enmeshed with Nada on a day

to day basis than I was and am, they would most likely phone her out of

desperation if they thought that was in fact what I was doing (yes, even if it

was my stuff).

>

> It is so confusing, and in the end, I can see that I freaked people out

without meaning to. I feel guilty about it even though at the time I felt like I

had no alternatives. None at all. I also feel I was in the throngs of PTSD. I

got chills out of no where, felt sick to my stomach, had a racing heart...all of

that. And I had flashbacks.

>

> When all is said and done...yes, I could have acted differently but I can't

feel guilty about it forever. I did the best that I could with what I had

essentially. It is all so confusing, and everyone has an entirely different

perspective of what happened in the past, what is happening now, and who is to

blame (which is myself that is to blame).

>

> It seems that they are aware on some level that my Nada can't function, and so

they are unable to blame her. My sister sympathizes with her and blames me, and

the other one is angry with Nada, yet blames me for the " mess " that I left

behind as she says.

>

> My grandparents and sisters (and Nada) are furious that I sent a letter to my

Nada that outlined abuse and said why I couldn't be there. They said now that I

sent it, she is really angry and I am an ungrateful daughter. One of my Uncles

said even if it were true, I shouldn't have written it. One of my sisters

pleaded with me: Mother was going to be fine with everything that you did, but

now you are still remaining no contact? and she referred to me in an expletive

and has not spoken to me since. She also asked " why, why, did you have to send

it to our grandparents also? "

> (the reason I did was because I felt I received more real parenting from them

than my Nada, and I thought they would at least help me, but unfortunately they

are very upset with me and my uncle who lives with them told me if I want to

visit them, they require that I speak with my mother first)

>

> I don't know why I am sharing all this. I suppose it STILL bothers me and I

still haven't gotten over it. I see it in a new light now, and I can see it from

their perspective, and it makes me feel guilty somehow when before it didn't. I

wonder if PTSD has something to do with it?

>

> -Joy

>

>