anxiety and abandonment issues

[Guest guest]

I'm going to start a blog, I think.

I have recently begun telling my therapist a lot of things. In some ways,

it has caused me to destabilize quite a bit...starting back to nursing

school last week, bringing up so much from childhood regarding the sexual

abuse,

my marriage is not the best right now...I've had to text or call her three

times in the last week. I am trying really hard to do this on my own but

my anxiety is getting the best of me. I am also worried she's going to get

sick of me and not want to see me anymore. I am probably being paranoid,

but I've already had one therapist do that to me a couple of years ago after

she repeatedly promised she wouldn't. I just walked in one day and she

said she was done and referred me on...I actually overdosed that day....stupid,

but it's how I reacted.

I'm just really really nervous to open up to my therapist anymore because

I'm afraid when the time comes to have to stop seeing her, for whatever

reason, I won't be able to handle it. I'm already not handling it and she

hasn't even said anything like that. In fact, she has always said she would

never do that to me.

I really hope this doesn't mean I am borderline. I feel like I need to

quit therapy. I just can't seem to handle all of the issues being brought up.

I can't handle the issues being all bottled up inside either, though. I

need some sort of outpatient treatment program, but there is nothing like that

in my city (which is huge, so it seems unbelievable, but my therapist has

checked and all of the programs are for drug addicts and alcoholism and

things similar...nothing for DID/MPD). I'm paying a FORTUNE to my therapist.

Aside from everything else, I am a financial burden to my family.

I'm getting so weary and frustrated with this mental battle I have going on

and it feels like I get worse instead of better. It's day in and day out.

My anxiety and OCD are over the top. I am unmedicated for lots of reasons.

Mainly I have found nothing that helps, but also because it's expensive and

my overdose history isn't causing doctors to hand over prescriptions to

me.

Nursing school is going fine...it's a little stressful, but it's something

I actually enjoy....but I drove home the other day crying my eyes out and

telling myself there is NO way I can finish this. What was I thinking going

back to NURSING school?! I have 12 people in my head!!! I still lose time.

I still resort to suicidality and self injury and falling off the planet

meltdowns, migraine headaches from switching inside.....I don't know. I'm

just really tired. Fed up. And a whole lot pissed off that this is all the

result of people who chose to bring me into this world and not take care of me

as a child like I should have been. But at some point, I have to let go of

the past and MOVE ON. I just don't know how. I'm not sure I ever can.

I confronted my father again the other day. Second time. Told him he should

help me pay for therapy. He blames everything on my mother --

convenient...especially since she died in 2007. He says she covered up for my

uncle

(who sexually abused me for 9 years) and he didn't know anything about it

until afterwards. I was 11 when my uncle stopped abusing me. 11. Not 21. Not

31. 11. And my dad found out and DID NOTHING. No counseling for me. No

prosecution for my uncle. Didn't even come to me and tell me he loved me and it

was not my fault. NOTHING. It was swept under the rug and nothing was ever

done. My uncle now happily lives in Alabama...living his life, stress-free I

am sure. I'm sure he doesn't think twice about what he did to me and I

can't go 5 minutes without thinking about it. The last time I saw him I was 19

and I semi-confronted him. He told me if he had it to do over again he'd

do it all the same.

GRRR!

I'm sorry. I know I am whining and it seems to be a running theme for me

lately.