Guest guest Posted January 30, 2010 Report Share Posted January 30, 2010 what do YOU want to do ?? dont worry what others want or expect...what do YOU want to do...do you WANT to move all the way there to take care of your mother ? or would you rather stay where you are ? there are programs to help out in situations...no normal person would expect you to leave your home, son and job and move across country to take care of your mother...there are people who can be hired to stay with your mother all day every day, or just 2-3 days a week or whatever she needs... Jackie Hi all, After I had that bad call with my mom where she accused me of not asking her how she was, I called a couple days later (yesterday) to check in with her. Not because I felt shamed into it from the first call, but just because she is there with two teenagers (my sister's kids) and my mom IS having problems. She was surprisingly in one of her *normal* modes, and told me that she had gotten up in the night to go to the bathroom and fell between the toilet and the wall and could not get up. She said it took her 45 minutes to get back to her bed (or floor by the bed..I wasn't clear). She had to scooch (was how she put it). She has an MRI coming up on Monday. Her new doctor (finally she went to see a new doctor after years of us kids telling her to quit the one that would not treat her; he was probably triggered by her personality but still...he is a doctor and should have referred her if he didn't want to treat her), said he thinks she might have spinal stenosis (a narrowing of the spinal cord) . And neuropathy (her feet burn and are swollen). So now I am faced with who takes care of mom. My oldest niece is supposed to be coming from Colorado to do that, with her boyfriend and one or two dogs. I thought that would be good, but now am not sure all those people will be good there. If I go there, I leave my son here (he can visit me for 100 roundtrip train tickets, or twenty hours of me driving). I would leave my job (which is hurting my body at this point). But it's not a great solution for me, because I hate that area in PA. I grew up there, and there is nothing to do, no nature to turn to (except a man made lake). My sister's husband is there, but he works at night and sleeps then works during the day. I think that he is paying rent for his girlfriend's place and he buys food for his girls at my mom's, does some cleaning. I want him to give my mom cash too, but my mom is just thinking he is so great and poor him for having to work like that (he IS a master carpenter who could be getting better work and paid a lot more). Bleh....I am not sure what to do. I guess I just wanted to express that. My friend says: if you are going to take care of them, they should come to you (or go where you want)...if that happened it would mean moving them all to California or some such place (when I don't even have a real plan myself! I'm just beginning to form ideas for my future.) **sigh** I have so many conflicting feelings...which is probably why I have this terrible acid in my throat all the time. When my sister was so sick and dying, I did not really focus on what was going on with my mom, but now she is in a situation where she can't walk. ~patricia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 30, 2010 Report Share Posted January 30, 2010 you will have to think about this and decided what you really want before you make any kind of move... Jackie Hi Jackie, Thanks for asking this question. It's sort of hard to answer because of where I am at emotionally in my life and my responsibilities. What I really wish I could do is move somewhere warmer, and preferably close to my boyfriend. But I don't have a *career* that I could fall back on to pay for a place that is more expensive than what I have now. I am one of those people who should not have been given a mortgage and now that I want to change the terms (refinance) banks want to charge me a lot for it because of my income, and the fact that it's a rental, and they want to put my mom (co-signer) on the deed. (right now she is not, but rules have changed I guess?) I have equity, but if I sell, I couldn't buy anything with my low income. Plus there is my son to consider. I would probably move him to CA if I had a good situation there, and just work on getting him connected with other kids and involved in things he likes. But that town in PA is so boring. I don't know what he would do there. (I don't even know if legally I could take him anywhere) Part of me wants to return to the sort of free-life of living at my mom's and doing what I can to *fix* things. Take care of my sister's girls. Then have some freedom to fly to California when I want. (rent out my whole house up here in MA for some income, plus pay my mortgage). Part of me wants to say: hey, let's all move to CA, then I could take care of the family, have the help of my mother's income and go back to school so I can get a better job. (Basically I guess what I am saying is it is very hard to do this life alone...the expenses and demands of a house) And to be totally honest, even if it sounds bad, I don't want my mom to spend her house equity on people coming in to take care of her, because when she goes, that is what is left to my brother and myself. I feel extremely vulnerable about all that because I don't know if I can really ever make a decent living, and am afraid to live in a bad way in my older age. Of course if she needed that help she should get it, but if I could do it too, in a way I feel I am protecting myself. It is probably all thoughts of a grief stricken desperate woman (me). And my fear is that there is really no way out for me. (ah...just having a bad day) ~p Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 30, 2010 Report Share Posted January 30, 2010 yeah...i know. Probably not in the best place right now to do it either. ~p Re: sick mother you will have to think about this and decided what you really want before you make any kind of move... Jackie Hi Jackie, Thanks for asking this question. It's sort of hard to answer because of where I am at emotionally in my life and my responsibilities. What I really wish I could do is move somewhere warmer, and preferably close to my boyfriend. But I don't have a *career* that I could fall back on to pay for a place that is more expensive than what I have now. I am one of those people who should not have been given a mortgage and now that I want to change the terms (refinance) banks want to charge me a lot for it because of my income, and the fact that it's a rental, and they want to put my mom (co-signer) on the deed. (right now she is not, but rules have changed I guess?) I have equity, but if I sell, I couldn't buy anything with my low income. Plus there is my son to consider. I would probably move him to CA if I had a good situation there, and just work on getting him connected with other kids and involved in things he likes. But that town in PA is so boring. I don't know what he would do there. (I don't even know if legally I could take him anywhere) Part of me wants to return to the sort of free-life of living at my mom's and doing what I can to *fix* things. Take care of my sister's girls. Then have some freedom to fly to California when I want. (rent out my whole house up here in MA for some income, plus pay my mortgage). Part of me wants to say: hey, let's all move to CA, then I could take care of the family, have the help of my mother's income and go back to school so I can get a better job. (Basically I guess what I am saying is it is very hard to do this life alone...the expenses and demands of a house) And to be totally honest, even if it sounds bad, I don't want my mom to spend her house equity on people coming in to take care of her, because when she goes, that is what is left to my brother and myself. I feel extremely vulnerable about all that because I don't know if I can really ever make a decent living, and am afraid to live in a bad way in my older age. Of course if she needed that help she should get it, but if I could do it too, in a way I feel I am protecting myself. It is probably all thoughts of a grief stricken desperate woman (me). And my fear is that there is really no way out for me. (ah...just having a bad day) ~p ------------------------------------ Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 30, 2010 Report Share Posted January 30, 2010 , sorry this has happened - I know that my nada crossing that line into disability is something I've feared and can relate to your grief/panic for the changes and what may come. Do you have a therapist right now? If not, is there any way you can get one? I believe it's so important to have someone whose *job* it is to consider your interests and be in your corner when facing this. This group is a great resource but a good therapist would help too. I find the danger is that the pressure from childhood programming to be responsible for the parent combined with society's expectation can make it easy to be overcome by FOG. My mother temporarily entered that territory and will again at some point so I've had to face round one of this. It is hard - be patient and forgiving with yourself. Unfortunately in the US, many elderly use up all of their savings and equity paying for nursing home care. The only way you'll save inheritance for yourself is to go there - or have another person who'd do it for free - and do the caretaking of her yourself. But what would the psychological cost be to you? It might be so great it would hamper your ability to take care of yourself - it would be for me. Is it one you can or would want to pay? Is her ability to walk gone permanently? Who is taking care of her now? I just throw these questions out there to think on and hope you can find a plan that takes care of *you*. If you have the chance the book " Doing the Right Thing: Taking Care of Your Elderly Parents, Even If They Didn't Take Care of You " by a Satow is the best I've read. Take care, > > Hi Jackie, > Thanks for asking this question. It's sort of hard to answer because of where I am at emotionally > in my life and my responsibilities. What I really wish I could do is move somewhere warmer, and > preferably close to my boyfriend. But I don't have a *career* that I could fall back on to pay for > a place that is more expensive than what I have now. I am one of those people who should not have been > given a mortgage and now that I want to change the terms (refinance) banks want to charge me a lot for it > because of my income, and the fact that it's a rental, and they want to put my mom (co-signer) on the deed. > (right now she is not, but rules have changed I guess?) I have equity, but if I sell, I couldn't buy anything > with my low income. > > Plus there is my son to consider. I would probably move him to CA if I had a good situation there, and just > work on getting him connected with other kids and involved in things he likes. But that town in PA is so boring. > I don't know what he would do there. (I don't even know if legally I could take him anywhere) > > Part of me wants to return to the sort of free-life of living at my mom's and doing what I can to *fix* things. > Take care of my sister's girls. Then have some freedom to fly to California when I want. (rent out my whole > house up here in MA for some income, plus pay my mortgage). Part of me wants to say: hey, let's all move to > CA, then I could take care of the family, have the help of my mother's income and go back to school so I can > get a better job. (Basically I guess what I am saying is it is very hard to do this life alone...the expenses and > demands of a house) > > And to be totally honest, even if it sounds bad, I don't want my mom to spend her house equity on people > coming in to take care of her, because when she goes, that is what is left to my brother and myself. I feel > extremely vulnerable about all that because I don't know if I can really ever make a decent living, and am > afraid to live in a bad way in my older age. Of course if she needed that help she should get it, but if I could > do it too, in a way I feel I am protecting myself. It is probably all thoughts of a grief stricken desperate woman > (me). And my fear is that there is really no way out for me. (ah...just having a bad day) > ~p > Re: sick mother > > > what do YOU want to do ?? dont worry what others want or expect...what do > YOU want to do...do you WANT to move all the way there to take care of your > mother ? or would you rather stay where you are ? there are programs to > help out in situations...no normal person would expect you to leave your > home, son and job and move across country to take care of your > mother...there are people who can be hired to stay with your mother all day > every day, or just 2-3 days a week or whatever she needs... > > Jackie > > > > > Hi all, > After I had that bad call with my mom where she accused me of not asking her > how she was, I called a couple days later (yesterday) to check in with her. > Not because I felt shamed into it from the first call, but just because she > is there with two teenagers (my sister's kids) and my mom IS having > problems. > She was surprisingly in one of her *normal* modes, and told me that she had > gotten up in the night to go to the bathroom and fell between the toilet and > the wall and could not get up. She said it took her 45 minutes to get back > to her bed (or floor by the bed..I wasn't clear). She had to scooch (was > how she put it). She has an MRI coming up on Monday. Her new doctor > (finally she went to see a new doctor after years of us kids telling her to > quit the one that would not treat her; he was probably triggered by her > personality but still...he is a doctor and should have referred her if he > didn't want to treat her), said he thinks she might have spinal stenosis (a > narrowing of the spinal cord) . And neuropathy (her feet burn and are > swollen). > > So now I am faced with who takes care of mom. My oldest niece is supposed > to be coming from Colorado to do that, with her boyfriend and one or two > dogs. I thought that would be good, but now am not sure all those people > will be good there. > If I go there, I leave my son here (he can visit me for 100 roundtrip train > tickets, or twenty hours of me driving). I would leave my job (which is > hurting my body at this point). But it's not a great solution for me, > because I hate that area in PA. I grew up there, and there is nothing to > do, no nature to turn to (except a man made lake). > > My sister's husband is there, but he works at night and sleeps then works > during the day. I think that he is paying rent for his girlfriend's place > and he buys food for his girls at my mom's, does some cleaning. I want him > to give my mom cash too, but my mom is just thinking he is so great and poor > him for having to work like that (he IS a master carpenter who could be > getting better work and paid a lot more). > Bleh....I am not sure what to do. I guess I just wanted to express that. > My friend says: if you are going to take care of them, they should come to > you (or go where you want)...if that happened it would mean moving them all > to California or some such place (when I don't even have a real plan myself! > I'm just beginning to form ideas for my future.) > **sigh** > I have so many conflicting feelings...which is probably why I have this > terrible acid in my throat all the time. When my sister was so sick and > dying, I did not really focus on what was going on with my mom, but now she > is in a situation where she can't walk. > ~patricia > > > > > ------------------------------------ > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 31, 2010 Report Share Posted January 31, 2010 Wow...I need that book. Not for nada, but for 86 year old bipolar great aunt and handicapped cousin. (Both of whom are at least as bad as nada.) Thanks!! --. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 31, 2010 Report Share Posted January 31, 2010 I just worry you'll make a decision in haste, and regret it Jackie yeah...i know. Probably not in the best place right now to do it either. ~p Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 31, 2010 Report Share Posted January 31, 2010 That is true Jackie, I guess the only *good* thing is that I can't make a hasty decision because I have my house, my kid, my job. I have to think it through I appreciate your thoughts and concern though because it brings me to a more realistic place. I am the one in my family who would try to rescue and fix mom, sister, sister's kids. I think that is what got me so depressed when the attempts at getting my son the help he needs at school didn't work and my sister attempted suicide in front of her kids (though I believe she was so out of it she didn't know what she was doing); And I realized that all my helping was for naught. The whole point of my life was for nothing. (I don't think that was/is the point of my life but it was a *role* I was in and I participated in for so many years). That was the beginning of this downfall I've been in and have been trying to recover from. (unfortunately other bad/hard things have happened in the meantime). So...I will carefully judge what my next moves will be~ thanks again, ~patricia Re: sick mother I just worry you'll make a decision in haste, and regret it Jackie yeah...i know. Probably not in the best place right now to do it either. ~p ------------------------------------ Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 31, 2010 Report Share Posted January 31, 2010 Hi , I hope you are feeling a little better today. So your niece is moving there to take care of your nada? If that is her decision and it would upend your life at a very vulnerable time to move, then why not let her? It's not like any decision you make now is final - your niece could carry the water for a while with input from you or you could take over at a later time when you are in a better position to. These days elderly people in poor health live a long time due to our medical systems ability to manage disease (but not cure). I didn't get to respond about your father's inheritance issue but sorry that happened to you. It sounds like you were very involved with him right up till the end so the lack of inheritance seems especially hurtful. About nadas...mine is far more mild than those on this group too. But her " techniques " combined with my particular psychology has been devastating. I've fought suicidal ideation almost all of my life. It's the impact they have on you that is the issue. I don't know the details of your situation with your nada but please look at what the impact is on you, where you are at in your life right now, and what that would mean. You have to be there for you because as you get older what happens to your life? There's lots of shades of gray in caretaking options inbetween doing nothing and uprooting your entire life to be her caretaker. good luck, julie > > > > Hi Jackie, > > Thanks for asking this question. It's sort of hard to answer because of where I am at emotionally > > in my life and my responsibilities. What I really wish I could do is move somewhere warmer, and > > preferably close to my boyfriend. But I don't have a *career* that I could fall back on to pay for > > a place that is more expensive than what I have now. I am one of those people who should not have been > > given a mortgage and now that I want to change the terms (refinance) banks want to charge me a lot for it > > because of my income, and the fact that it's a rental, and they want to put my mom (co-signer) on the deed. > > (right now she is not, but rules have changed I guess?) I have equity, but if I sell, I couldn't buy anything > > with my low income. > > > > Plus there is my son to consider. I would probably move him to CA if I had a good situation there, and just > > work on getting him connected with other kids and involved in things he likes. But that town in PA is so boring. > > I don't know what he would do there. (I don't even know if legally I could take him anywhere) > > > > Part of me wants to return to the sort of free-life of living at my mom's and doing what I can to *fix* things. > > Take care of my sister's girls. Then have some freedom to fly to California when I want. (rent out my whole > > house up here in MA for some income, plus pay my mortgage). Part of me wants to say: hey, let's all move to > > CA, then I could take care of the family, have the help of my mother's income and go back to school so I can > > get a better job. (Basically I guess what I am saying is it is very hard to do this life alone...the expenses and > > demands of a house) > > > > And to be totally honest, even if it sounds bad, I don't want my mom to spend her house equity on people > > coming in to take care of her, because when she goes, that is what is left to my brother and myself. I feel > > extremely vulnerable about all that because I don't know if I can really ever make a decent living, and am > > afraid to live in a bad way in my older age. Of course if she needed that help she should get it, but if I could > > do it too, in a way I feel I am protecting myself. It is probably all thoughts of a grief stricken desperate woman > > (me). And my fear is that there is really no way out for me. (ah...just having a bad day) > > ~p > > Re: sick mother > > > > > > what do YOU want to do ?? dont worry what others want or expect...what do > > YOU want to do...do you WANT to move all the way there to take care of your > > mother ? or would you rather stay where you are ? there are programs to > > help out in situations...no normal person would expect you to leave your > > home, son and job and move across country to take care of your > > mother...there are people who can be hired to stay with your mother all day > > every day, or just 2-3 days a week or whatever she needs... > > > > Jackie > > > > > > > > > > Hi all, > > After I had that bad call with my mom where she accused me of not asking her > > how she was, I called a couple days later (yesterday) to check in with her. > > Not because I felt shamed into it from the first call, but just because she > > is there with two teenagers (my sister's kids) and my mom IS having > > problems. > > She was surprisingly in one of her *normal* modes, and told me that she had > > gotten up in the night to go to the bathroom and fell between the toilet and > > the wall and could not get up. She said it took her 45 minutes to get back > > to her bed (or floor by the bed..I wasn't clear). She had to scooch (was > > how she put it). She has an MRI coming up on Monday. Her new doctor > > (finally she went to see a new doctor after years of us kids telling her to > > quit the one that would not treat her; he was probably triggered by her > > personality but still...he is a doctor and should have referred her if he > > didn't want to treat her), said he thinks she might have spinal stenosis (a > > narrowing of the spinal cord) . And neuropathy (her feet burn and are > > swollen). > > > > So now I am faced with who takes care of mom. My oldest niece is supposed > > to be coming from Colorado to do that, with her boyfriend and one or two > > dogs. I thought that would be good, but now am not sure all those people > > will be good there. > > If I go there, I leave my son here (he can visit me for 100 roundtrip train > > tickets, or twenty hours of me driving). I would leave my job (which is > > hurting my body at this point). But it's not a great solution for me, > > because I hate that area in PA. I grew up there, and there is nothing to > > do, no nature to turn to (except a man made lake). > > > > My sister's husband is there, but he works at night and sleeps then works > > during the day. I think that he is paying rent for his girlfriend's place > > and he buys food for his girls at my mom's, does some cleaning. I want him > > to give my mom cash too, but my mom is just thinking he is so great and poor > > him for having to work like that (he IS a master carpenter who could be > > getting better work and paid a lot more). > > Bleh....I am not sure what to do. I guess I just wanted to express that. > > My friend says: if you are going to take care of them, they should come to > > you (or go where you want)...if that happened it would mean moving them all > > to California or some such place (when I don't even have a real plan myself! > > I'm just beginning to form ideas for my future.) > > **sigh** > > I have so many conflicting feelings...which is probably why I have this > > terrible acid in my throat all the time. When my sister was so sick and > > dying, I did not really focus on what was going on with my mom, but now she > > is in a situation where she can't walk. > > ~patricia > > > > > > > > > > ------------------------------------ > > > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @ SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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