I'm beginning to understand shaming better

[Guest guest]

My brother's nasty e-mail and the intense shame I felt when I read it have

prompted me to start EMDR therapy. I was finally recognizing that what I felt

was *shame* and that is different from *guilt.*

Guilt says I made a mistake and shame says I *am* a mistake.

We just started tackling this in EMDR and all these thoughts came up that

explain where I got the message that I'm *bad.*

My nada didn't really call me " bad " that I can remember but she did:

- look at me with intense disgust, OFTEN

- give me the nickname " Bratinella "

- ignore my needs, teaching me that I don't matter, such as all of my emotional

needs and even my need to use the restroom

- get angry with me for not knowing how to do things I'd never been taught how

to do, and occasionally calling me stupid for it

- minimized all of my feelings, 99.9% of the time. treated me like i was stupid

for crying when my cat was injured

- telling me children should be seen and not heard

- saying, with disgust, " you're just like your father "

- telling me to stop crying or she'll give me something to cry about

- always, always, always taking the other person's side any time i had a

conflict. ALWAYS asking me what *I* did to cause the problem.

- as an adult, continuing to talk to me like i was stupid if she did not agree

with me about something

- constantly telling me to come home in an hour so i wouldn't *wear out " my

welcome

- showing fury towards me because she had to do things like cook and clean and

telling me *I'm not your n*gger "

- banging on the door because i was using too much water showering. like i

didn't deserve to take a shower long enough to wash and shampoo my hair and

shave my legs

- constantly belittling me for having feelings because other people have it

worse

Well, I'm sure there's more, but this is a pretty good start. While she wasn't

telling me directly " YOU ARE BAD " , I think these things, from the reading I have

done, were ways of controlling my behavior using shame.

My brother is passing this on to his children. *sigh*

Here's an excellent article on shame:

http://www.nospank.net/grille3.htm

Deanna