Re: Searching for an Answer

[Guest guest]

I have gone LC with nada for the same reasons " sucking the life out of me " I

have been sad and grieving for our relationship because nothing has changed.

Nada is verbally and emotionally abusive towards me and has placed herself in

the victim role.

I am working thru two books on abandonment by , Black Swan and The

Journey from Abandonment to Healing. I feel I need to work thru abandonment and

grief issues to help me become my own person and experience my own joy.

My thoughts, ideas, feelings, personal preferences were and are NEVER accepted

by nada. Any and all personal expressions have been met with discounting (oh,

that is not so, you are looking at the problem all wrong, there is nothing wrong

with blah blah blah). Just like drops of water on a stone, wearing a path of

rejection and negativity in my mind.

May we all heal.

>

> Not really sure what to do anymore, my mother is sucking the life out of me. I

think she has BPD because she will do anything for attention, including possibly

making herself sick. She has been verbally abusive and when I have tried to tell

he how I feel she becomes angry and take the role of the victim. As a child I

experienced verbal abuse from both of my parents but my father passed years ago.

At this point she refuses to even consider she is flawed unless it is in an

attempt to put on the " poor me " act. I have spent the last 15 years of my life

being the parent while she's taken the back seat on life and parenting. She has

been emotionally and physically neglecting, verbally abusive, always blaming

others for life's circumstances. She gave away my dog, deprivied me of my own

father's funeral, not to mention grandparents. She lies, manipulates and

possible does things to make herself sick. Fortunately, I have found a good

therapist for myself and I realize that the things I experienced my entire life

were not my fault and I could go on and on about the things she has done to hurt

me, but what I am really searching for is an answer to the craziness I have

experienced. If any of this sounds familar to anyone please help!

>

[Guest guest]

Well, I hate to say it, but your mother sounds a lot like my nada. " poor me " is

all too familiar, my nada is in a perpetual state of disaster, the constant

martyr. And my nada has similar issues with admitting fault - she lashes out

and would rather never speak to me again than say she is sorry. My nada has

been " sick " ever since I moved out, and finally one of my other family members

has suggested to me that she has an eating disorder. (no kidding! I've been

thinking that for YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) She also uses her " ilness " as a way to

make me feel guilty for moving out and having my own independent life. My mom

also tried giving away " my " dog and always resented the dog, because he was

" mine " even though we got him when I was in 6th grade... she just tried to use

the poor animal as a tool to hurt me.

I am so sorry you have had to live with this. It is so painful. the only

advise I have for you is to limit your contact with her. I have found that the

less I see of my nada, the more happiness, clarity, and joy I have in my life.

Sad, but true.

good luck, you're in the right place.

Lara

>

> Not really sure what to do anymore, my mother is sucking the life out of me. I

think she has BPD because she will do anything for attention, including possibly

making herself sick. She has been verbally abusive and when I have tried to tell

he how I feel she becomes angry and take the role of the victim. As a child I

experienced verbal abuse from both of my parents but my father passed years ago.

At this point she refuses to even consider she is flawed unless it is in an

attempt to put on the " poor me " act. I have spent the last 15 years of my life

being the parent while she's taken the back seat on life and parenting. She has

been emotionally and physically neglecting, verbally abusive, always blaming

others for life's circumstances. She gave away my dog, deprivied me of my own

father's funeral, not to mention grandparents. She lies, manipulates and

possible does things to make herself sick. Fortunately, I have found a good

therapist for myself and I realize that the things I experienced my entire life

were not my fault and I could go on and on about the things she has done to hurt

me, but what I am really searching for is an answer to the craziness I have

experienced. If any of this sounds familar to anyone please help!

>

[Guest guest]

Oh geesh, sorry to hear about your experiences. Just remind yourself that the

craziness is not your fault and you need to surround yourself with emotionally

healthy people.

I'm new here so don't know your circumstances, but you need to back off

contact. When I left my hometown at 23 years old, I was in emotional hell.

But, with some therapy, low contact for years, and healthy relationships, I've

worked myself to the point where I am not as emotionally punched each time the

nada rages surface.

Give yourself distance and give yourself the highest priority in your life.

>

> Not really sure what to do anymore, my mother is sucking the life out of me. I

think she has BPD because she will do anything for attention, including possibly

making herself sick. She has been verbally abusive and when I have tried to tell

he how I feel she becomes angry and take the role of the victim. As a child I

experienced verbal abuse from both of my parents but my father passed years ago.

At this point she refuses to even consider she is flawed unless it is in an

attempt to put on the " poor me " act. I have spent the last 15 years of my life

being the parent while she's taken the back seat on life and parenting. She has

been emotionally and physically neglecting, verbally abusive, always blaming

others for life's circumstances. She gave away my dog, deprivied me of my own

father's funeral, not to mention grandparents. She lies, manipulates and

possible does things to make herself sick. Fortunately, I have found a good

therapist for myself and I realize that the things I experienced my entire life

were not my fault and I could go on and on about the things she has done to hurt

me, but what I am really searching for is an answer to the craziness I have

experienced. If any of this sounds familar to anyone please help!

>

[Guest guest]

Oh yes, I've been told how sweet and wonderful my nada is as well. I had a

couple friends growing up who totally bought it - they saw all the " freedom " I

had compared to them who had curfews and restrictions. What they didn't realize

was that I was an emotional slave essentially, and as long as I kept her happy

she didn't care what I did or where I went - that wasn't really something to

envy.

Microdes, welcome to the group. I have a " poor me " nada also who sabotages her

health. A Waif type. I just posted about that last night as she did another

big self-sabotage and they played hugely for sympathy. The challenge of seeing

through all this seems like a life-time job.

> > >

> > > Not really sure what to do anymore, my mother is sucking the life out of

me. I think she has BPD because she will do anything for attention, including

possibly making herself sick. She has been verbally abusive and when I have

tried to tell he how I feel she becomes angry and take the role of the victim.

As a child I experienced verbal abuse from both of my parents but my father

passed years ago. At this point she refuses to even consider she is flawed

unless it is in an attempt to put on the " poor me " act. I have spent the last 15

years of my life being the parent while she's taken the back seat on life and

parenting. She has been emotionally and physically neglecting, verbally abusive,

always blaming others for life's circumstances. She gave away my dog, deprivied

me of my own father's funeral, not to mention grandparents. She lies,

manipulates and possible does things to make herself sick. Fortunately, I have

found a good therapist for myself and I realize that the things I experienced my

entire life were not my fault and I could go on and on about the things she has

done to hurt me, but what I am really searching for is an answer to the

craziness I have experienced. If any of this sounds familar to anyone please

help!

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks ,your right it does seem like a full time job. Everything is great

just as long as I dont physically or emotionally need anything. Last April I

told my mother that i wish to hold onto a hand-made steam engine my father made

because it was " meant for me to have " and she became so angry and beligerant

that you would think I had done something so terrible. Mind you, this keepsake

was the only one left of 8 she had previously sold despite the fact they were

meant for me since he passed away. She also gave away my dog without telling me

and basically has no regard for human emotion or attachment that I can tell up

to this point.

Not long after that incident she was in the hospital with pneumonia. She already

has Lupus, high bp, high cholesterol, etc and sees no reason to take care of

herself or eat properly. I found laxitives in her medicine cabinet and cant help

but think she is intentionally making a bad situation worse. So since we had an

altercation last week, I am just waiting for the shoe to drop and trying to

figure out how I can no longer play into the game of hers. I've gotten pretty

good at separating myself but when it comes to the health issues I'm a sucker!!

Des

> > > >

> > > > Not really sure what to do anymore, my mother is sucking the life out of

me. I think she has BPD because she will do anything for attention, including

possibly making herself sick. She has been verbally abusive and when I have

tried to tell he how I feel she becomes angry and take the role of the victim.

As a child I experienced verbal abuse from both of my parents but my father

passed years ago. At this point she refuses to even consider she is flawed

unless it is in an attempt to put on the " poor me " act. I have spent the last 15

years of my life being the parent while she's taken the back seat on life and

parenting. She has been emotionally and physically neglecting, verbally abusive,

always blaming others for life's circumstances. She gave away my dog, deprivied

me of my own father's funeral, not to mention grandparents. She lies,

manipulates and possible does things to make herself sick. Fortunately, I have

found a good therapist for myself and I realize that the things I experienced my

entire life were not my fault and I could go on and on about the things she has

done to hurt me, but what I am really searching for is an answer to the

craziness I have experienced. If any of this sounds familar to anyone please

help!

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Des,

You know, having this condition in a parent is like being sentenced to something

you know does not feel

good, but you don't know what it is; that makes you feel strange and hurt and

like an outcast, ruins

your trust in people (paradoxically causing you to trust the *wrong* people)

.....for life! Or maybe

for *their* life (the parents). It's just plain hard to live with and get over.

~patricia

Re: Searching for an Answer

Thanks ,your right it does seem like a full time job. Everything is great

just as long as I dont physically or emotionally need anything. Last April I

told my mother that i wish to hold onto a hand-made steam engine my father made

because it was " meant for me to have " and she became so angry and beligerant

that you would think I had done something so terrible. Mind you, this keepsake

was the only one left of 8 she had previously sold despite the fact they were

meant for me since he passed away. She also gave away my dog without telling me

and basically has no regard for human emotion or attachment that I can tell up

to this point.

Not long after that incident she was in the hospital with pneumonia. She

already has Lupus, high bp, high cholesterol, etc and sees no reason to take

care of herself or eat properly. I found laxitives in her medicine cabinet and

cant help but think she is intentionally making a bad situation worse. So since

we had an altercation last week, I am just waiting for the shoe to drop and

trying to figure out how I can no longer play into the game of hers. I've gotten

pretty good at separating myself but when it comes to the health issues I'm a

sucker!!

Des

> > > >

> > > > Not really sure what to do anymore, my mother is sucking the life out

of me. I think she has BPD because she will do anything for attention, including

possibly making herself sick. She has been verbally abusive and when I have

tried to tell he how I feel she becomes angry and take the role of the victim.

As a child I experienced verbal abuse from both of my parents but my father

passed years ago. At this point she refuses to even consider she is flawed

unless it is in an attempt to put on the " poor me " act. I have spent the last 15

years of my life being the parent while she's taken the back seat on life and

parenting. She has been emotionally and physically neglecting, verbally abusive,

always blaming others for life's circumstances. She gave away my dog, deprivied

me of my own father's funeral, not to mention grandparents. She lies,

manipulates and possible does things to make herself sick. Fortunately, I have

found a good therapist for myself and I realize that the things I experienced my

entire life were not my fault and I could go on and on about the things she has

done to hurt me, but what I am really searching for is an answer to the

craziness I have experienced. If any of this sounds familar to anyone please

help!

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

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[Guest guest]

I totally relate to what you are going through; my nada does the same thing.

She wants attention and I feel that she creates crises (or takes a small problem

and makes it into a crisis) so that she can tell me she " needs " help. Her

latest thing is that she feels nauseated and can't eat; she put herself in the

hospital for this and the doctors couldn't find anything biologically wrong with

her. They felt it was caused by anxiety. She told me she feels best when she is

in the hospital because people take care of her there. How do you deal with a

person who actually likes being in the hospital? In all aras of her life she

constantly looks for things to be angry about so that she can feel she is having

a crisis and needs attention; then if she doesn't get the attention she wants

she goes into a rage and " stalking " type behavior where if I won't talk to her

she calls me repeatedly and leaves screaming messages. She won't face up to any

of this--everything is someone else's fault.

>

> Not really sure what to do anymore, my mother is sucking the life out of me. I

think she has BPD because she will do anything for attention, including possibly

making herself sick. She has been verbally abusive and when I have tried to tell

he how I feel she becomes angry and take the role of the victim. As a child I

experienced verbal abuse from both of my parents but my father passed years ago.

At this point she refuses to even consider she is flawed unless it is in an

attempt to put on the " poor me " act. I have spent the last 15 years of my life

being the parent while she's taken the back seat on life and parenting. She has

been emotionally and physically neglecting, verbally abusive, always blaming

others for life's circumstances. She gave away my dog, deprivied me of my own

father's funeral, not to mention grandparents. She lies, manipulates and

possible does things to make herself sick. Fortunately, I have found a good

therapist for myself and I realize that the things I experienced my entire life

were not my fault and I could go on and on about the things she has done to hurt

me, but what I am really searching for is an answer to the craziness I have

experienced. If any of this sounds familar to anyone please help!

>