How to respond to you'll regret NC comments

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

 

I recently reconnected with a distant cousin of mine. I love this cousin and

want to stay connected but I told her that I am NC with my nada and my dad

choose to cut me off and stand by nada's side. I received this email from my

cousin and I don't know how to respond, if at all.

 

" K, it is none of my business, but why did you give your family up?  You only

have one Mother and one Father, and I dont want you to be sorry someday, as they

are getting up in age, as I am, and family is so important.  I have lost alot of

mine, and it is terrible.  Please reconsider, and give them another chance.  I

love you and don't want you to give them up. "

 

How do I explain the constant abuse from Nada? This cousin already knows about

my brother molesting me and my sister for years growing up. Am I suppose to keep

this brother in my life just because we share DNA? I do miss my dad but he made

his choice. I do not miss nada at all. I miss having a mother I deserved to

have. How does everyone respond to the " you only have one mother and one father "

statements. This has me torn up because it feels like " here we go again, someone

else who doesn't believe the abuse Nada has and continues to put me through. "

Nada does come off very sweet, shy, caring, ang childlike to those who do not

know her borderline side.

 

KC

[Guest guest]

Sure, you only have one mother and one father, but YOU also only have one life

to live. I think at the most, I'd say something like:

I have thought long and hard about this and reached the conclusion that my

relationship with my mother is far from healthy. I can show the most compassion

toward myself by not communicating with her indefinitely. When I do communicate

with her, I feel [insert your own words} anxious, angry, and depressed for

weeks. It is unhealthy to me and my family, therefore I need to walk away for

awhile - regardless of the fact that she is my mother.

>

> Hi everyone,

> �

> I recently reconnected with a distant cousin of mine. I love this cousin and

want to stay connected but I told her that I am NC with my nada and my dad

choose to cut me off and stand by nada's side. I received this email from my

cousin and I don't know how to respond, if at all.

> �

> " K, it is none of my business, but why did you give your family up?� You

only have one Mother and one Father, and I dont want you to be sorry someday, as

they are getting up in age, as I am, and family is so important.� I have lost

alot of mine, and it is terrible.� Please reconsider, and give them another

chance.� I love you and don't want you to give them up. "

> �

> How do I explain the constant abuse from Nada? This cousin already knows about

my brother molesting me and my sister for years growing up. Am I suppose to keep

this brother in my life just because we share DNA? I do miss my dad but he made

his choice. I do not miss nada at all. I miss having a mother I deserved to

have. How does everyone respond to the " you only have one mother and one father "

statements. This has me torn up because it feels like " here we go again, someone

else who doesn't believe the abuse Nada has and continues to put me through. "

Nada does come off very sweet, shy, caring, ang childlike to those who do not

know her borderline side.

> �

> KC

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Perhaps you could don't have to fight it. This happened with an Uncle of mine.

The last relative I had contact with. I thought he believed the abuse that

happened as I practically outlined it in bullet format without any emotionality.

Unfortunately, he sided with the FOO's views and said I simply *confused*

everyone with my NC.

Sometimes, people cannot face the abuse. It is called denial and if they did

face it, they would also have to become aware of pain and family shame and

denial. Yes, it is easy to forget and give people a second chance. However,

there is a distinct difference from letting things go naturally either thru NC

rather than put up with more abuse if the family is not willing to look at

themselves. It is not up to you to constantly receive them if you are always

sacrificing yourelf. For what?

It sounds like your family would need to seriously look at themselves and see

the role they play in the unhealthy family dynamic. Perhaps your cousin is the

enabler type? This type unknowingly disables those with alcoholic, dependency,

and rage-issues and co-dependent issues by being there even in the throes of

abuse. The enabler is also a characteristic caretaker. It is what it is.

-Joy

>

> Hi everyone,

>  

> I recently reconnected with a distant cousin of mine. I love this cousin and

want to stay connected but I told her that I am NC with my nada and my dad

choose to cut me off and stand by nada's side. I received this email from my

cousin and I don't know how to respond, if at all.

>  

> " K, it is none of my business, but why did you give your family up?  You only

have one Mother and one Father, and I dont want you to be sorry someday, as they

are getting up in age, as I am, and family is so important.  I have lost alot of

mine, and it is terrible.  Please reconsider, and give them another chance.  I

love you and don't want you to give them up. "

>  

> How do I explain the constant abuse from Nada? This cousin already knows about

my brother molesting me and my sister for years growing up. Am I suppose to keep

this brother in my life just because we share DNA? I do miss my dad but he made

his choice. I do not miss nada at all. I miss having a mother I deserved to

have. How does everyone respond to the " you only have one mother and one father "

statements. This has me torn up because it feels like " here we go again, someone

else who doesn't believe the abuse Nada has and continues to put me through. "

Nada does come off very sweet, shy, caring, ang childlike to those who do not

know her borderline side.

>  

> KC

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

KC,

If, at one point, the two of you were close, it may be worth explaining to your

cousin why you've decided to go NC.  She is definitely overstepping her bounds

in saying she thinks she knows what decisions you should make, but she is also

doing it from the perspective of not understanding how serious the problems

within families can be.  I don't think she needs to know the details.  I think

maybe just saying that you've come to realize that your nada is probably

mentally ill and it is just too stressful for you to maintain a relationship

with her might be enough.  At this point, I don't think she should need to know

anything further than that.

The statement " you only have one mother and one father " is disturbing and

hurtful.  I would be inclined to respond to it in some way--perhaps just with

the idea that you don't get to choose them, and that you don't always get

parents who are actually able to nurture you, and that sometimes the parents you

are given are more harmful than helpful.

It sounds like the same dysfunctional scripts were operating in her family to

one degree or another as are operating in a lot of ours and she's now repeating

those scrips to you.  That's going to be a challenge in maintaining a

relationship with her, but it may be doable.

Best,

Ashana

The INTERNET now has a personality. YOURS! See your Yahoo! Homepage.

http://in.yahoo.com/

[Guest guest]

Good way to break it down, . Also, your cousin may employ another tactic

later on. In my family, it was first: " are you sure you want to do that...it

will be sad to not see you. " When the answers were consistently " no " from my

side, the answers got dicier and more personal until I had to use NC

(temporarily--not sure?) since all I get is FOG and there is no alternate

subject with them.

-Joy

> >

> > Hi everyone,

> >

> > I recently reconnected with a distant cousin of mine. I love this cousin

and want to stay connected but I told her that I am NC with my nada and my dad

choose to cut me off and stand by nada's side. I received this email from my

cousin and I don't know how to respond, if at all.

> >

> > " K, it is none of my business, but why did you give your family up? You

only have one Mother and one Father, and I dont want you to be sorry someday, as

they are getting up in age, as I am, and family is so important. I have lost

alot of mine, and it is terrible. Please reconsider, and give them another

chance. I love you and don't want you to give them up. "

> >

> > How do I explain the constant abuse from Nada? This cousin already knows

about my brother molesting me and my sister for years growing up. Am I suppose

to keep this brother in my life just because we share DNA? I do miss my dad but

he made his choice. I do not miss nada at all. I miss having a mother I deserved

to have. How does everyone respond to the " you only have one mother and one

father " statements. This has me torn up because it feels like " here we go again,

someone else who doesn't believe the abuse Nada has and continues to put me

through. " Nada does come off very sweet, shy, caring, ang childlike to those who

do not know her borderline side.

> >

> > KC

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

KC

The reality , that is so hard for us to accept, is that in fact we lost

our Mom many years ago. I lost my Dad when he couldnt take it anymore

and divorced and left me to deal with nada. We were able to reconnect,

to some extent, and heal some of that, decades later.

But for a child who has a nada instead of a mom, cousin doesnt

understand. It s not that you dont WANT a relationship with mom. On the

contraty,you desperately yearn for it! But like so many of us, after

years, you came to realize it s not going to happen. It saddens you as

much to accept that reality and go to NC as it does to fight for years

to have that which will never be yours, unless through divine

intervention nada somehow enters T and heals and gives a chance for that

relationship.

But consider, as many years of hell as it took you to come to this

point, how hard is it for Cuz to understand? Be gentle about it, but

firm. Let her know this was not simply anger and unforgiveness on your

part, but survival and health. You might offer her some reading to

understand, SWOE, or The Borderline Mother.

Remember though, in healthy relationships, we can disagree, state our

positions, and agree to disagree and still finish our lunch and make a

date to see each other next week. If this is a healthy relationship,

here is a good test of it.

Good luck!

Doug

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> I recently reconnected with a distant cousin of mine. I love this

cousin and want to stay connected but I told her that I am NC with my

nada and my dad choose to cut me off and stand by nada's side. I

received this email from my cousin and I don't know how to respond, if

at all.

>

> " K, it is none of my business, but why did you give your family up?

You only have one Mother and one Father, and I dont want you to be sorry

someday, as they are getting up in age, as I am, and family is so

important. I have lost alot of mine, and it is terrible. Please

reconsider, and give them another chance. I love you and don't want you

to give them up. "

>

> How do I explain the constant abuse from Nada? This cousin already

knows about my brother molesting me and my sister for years growing up.

Am I suppose to keep this brother in my life just because we share DNA?

I do miss my dad but he made his choice. I do not miss nada at all. I

miss having a mother I deserved to have. How does everyone respond to

the " you only have one mother and one father " statements. This has me

torn up because it feels like " here we go again, someone else who

doesn't believe the abuse Nada has and continues to put me through. "

Nada does come off very sweet, shy, caring, ang childlike to those who

do not know her borderline side.

>

> KC

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Very articulate Doug, well said.

~p

Re: How to respond to " you'll regret NC " comments

KC

The reality , that is so hard for us to accept, is that in fact we lost

our Mom many years ago. I lost my Dad when he couldnt take it anymore

and divorced and left me to deal with nada. We were able to reconnect,

to some extent, and heal some of that, decades later.

But for a child who has a nada instead of a mom, cousin doesnt

understand. It s not that you dont WANT a relationship with mom. On the

contraty,you desperately yearn for it! But like so many of us, after

years, you came to realize it s not going to happen. It saddens you as

much to accept that reality and go to NC as it does to fight for years

to have that which will never be yours, unless through divine

intervention nada somehow enters T and heals and gives a chance for that

relationship.

But consider, as many years of hell as it took you to come to this

point, how hard is it for Cuz to understand? Be gentle about it, but

firm. Let her know this was not simply anger and unforgiveness on your

part, but survival and health. You might offer her some reading to

understand, SWOE, or The Borderline Mother.

Remember though, in healthy relationships, we can disagree, state our

positions, and agree to disagree and still finish our lunch and make a

date to see each other next week. If this is a healthy relationship,

here is a good test of it.

Good luck!

Doug

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> I recently reconnected with a distant cousin of mine. I love this

cousin and want to stay connected but I told her that I am NC with my

nada and my dad choose to cut me off and stand by nada's side. I

received this email from my cousin and I don't know how to respond, if

at all.

>

> " K, it is none of my business, but why did you give your family up?

You only have one Mother and one Father, and I dont want you to be sorry

someday, as they are getting up in age, as I am, and family is so

important. I have lost alot of mine, and it is terrible. Please

reconsider, and give them another chance. I love you and don't want you

to give them up. "

>

> How do I explain the constant abuse from Nada? This cousin already

knows about my brother molesting me and my sister for years growing up.

Am I suppose to keep this brother in my life just because we share DNA?

I do miss my dad but he made his choice. I do not miss nada at all. I

miss having a mother I deserved to have. How does everyone respond to

the " you only have one mother and one father " statements. This has me

torn up because it feels like " here we go again, someone else who

doesn't believe the abuse Nada has and continues to put me through. "

Nada does come off very sweet, shy, caring, ang childlike to those who

do not know her borderline side.

>

> KC

>

>

>

>

>