BPD Friendship

[Guest guest]

As a daughter of a BDP mother, I think that I was most comfortable around people

like my mother, even though they treated me terribly. My closest childhood

friend I am starting to think now may be a candidate for BPD. For about 2 years

now I have been severely limiting my contact with my BPD-ish friend, but since

our friend groups overlap, I end up seeing her from time to time.

It made it a lot easier for me to seperate from her when she moved to the west

coast (I live in the midwest). She has a lot of similar characteristics to my

nada. She is very insecure, manipulative without remorse, has an outragous

sense of entitlement, rationalizes everything and can never be wrong. When we

were friends she was really possessive of me and used all kinds of FOG on me for

years.

It has been a very painful seperation, but for me very benificial, because I

feel stronger and have begun to develop friendships outside of my BPD friend and

I have been feeling stronger and happier as a person in general, and attending

weekly therapy sessions to help sort everything out (regarding nada and her).

My BPD friend is back in town for the holidays, and I spent time with her

yesterday. She met up with myself and a few other friends for dinner and to

have a drink afterwards. For the last two years I have almost never called her

and only spent time with her when it was unavoidable. She has made it very

clear that she misses me, blames me for everything that is wrong in our

relationship, and doesn't hear me when I try to talk to her about my feelings

and why I don't want to spend time with her. I felt guilty about avoiding her

so much (we were close friends since 3rd grade until about a year or two after I

graduated from college) and I miss her in a way too- and since I have been

feeling stronger and more centered lately so I thought I could handle spending

time with her.

I am not a total mess, but I do feel really down today. My BDP-ish friend

behaved herself while we were spending time together, and there were plenty of

moments where we actually laughed and had a good time. I am having a little

trouble sorting out my feelings and my therapist is out of town for another

week.

My BPD-ish friend mentioned several times little things about how crazy she has

been acting at home, and how glad she is that her boyfriend (co-dependant? I

feel bad for him actually)puts up with her. She mentioned that she has tried to

look inward at herself and been so freaked out by what she finds there that she

immediatly finds something else to hold her interest in the outside world. She

also mentioned to me a few times, almost as if she was questioning me, that she

is thinking about staying here for several months instead of moving back out

west after the holidays.

I find myself wanting to reach out to her and help her heal, and to try to mend

our friendship. But I also remember how outright cruel she has been to me, and

how awful it can be to be her friend. I think right now she is so eager to be

my friend again that she is behaving well, and that after a little while she

will be back to her " old tricks " again.

I feel bad for her because I know that she is constantly in a world of

insecurity and pain. She can't hold down a job, moves back in with her parents

whenever she runs out of money. She constently pushes the people she loves away

and then desperatly needs their approval. She continuously makes terrible

decsions for herself, and it is painful to watch. Sometimes she goes into

idealistic rants that don't really make any sense, and it is hard to keep a

straight face.

I am feeling a little nervous about the whole thing. If she stays in town I

can't avoid her, and I am sure she'll start acting like a BPD towards me pretty

soon. Ah! I don't really know what to do.

[Guest guest]

Oh my goodness, be careful. I have been hurt by a cruel friend I had since 7th

grade. Oh my was she mean. It took years and years to get over her cruelty.  I

just did not " get it " . What a perfect victim I was.

I am so happy to be free from those tendencies.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wed, December 30, 2009 3:08:05 PM

Subject: BPD Friendship

 

As a daughter of a BDP mother, I think that I was most comfortable around people

like my mother, even though they treated me terribly. My closest childhood

friend I am starting to think now may be a candidate for BPD. For about 2 years

now I have been severely limiting my contact with my BPD-ish friend, but since

our friend groups overlap, I end up seeing her from time to time.

It made it a lot easier for me to seperate from her when she moved to the west

coast (I live in the midwest). She has a lot of similar characteristics to my

nada. She is very insecure, manipulative without remorse, has an outragous sense

of entitlement, rationalizes everything and can never be wrong. When we were

friends she was really possessive of me and used all kinds of FOG on me for

years.

It has been a very painful seperation, but for me very benificial, because I

feel stronger and have begun to develop friendships outside of my BPD friend and

I have been feeling stronger and happier as a person in general, and attending

weekly therapy sessions to help sort everything out (regarding nada and her).

My BPD friend is back in town for the holidays, and I spent time with her

yesterday. She met up with myself and a few other friends for dinner and to have

a drink afterwards. For the last two years I have almost never called her and

only spent time with her when it was unavoidable. She has made it very clear

that she misses me, blames me for everything that is wrong in our relationship,

and doesn't hear me when I try to talk to her about my feelings and why I don't

want to spend time with her. I felt guilty about avoiding her so much (we were

close friends since 3rd grade until about a year or two after I graduated from

college) and I miss her in a way too- and since I have been feeling stronger and

more centered lately so I thought I could handle spending time with her.

I am not a total mess, but I do feel really down today. My BDP-ish friend

behaved herself while we were spending time together, and there were plenty of

moments where we actually laughed and had a good time. I am having a little

trouble sorting out my feelings and my therapist is out of town for another

week.

My BPD-ish friend mentioned several times little things about how crazy she has

been acting at home, and how glad she is that her boyfriend (co-dependant? I

feel bad for him actually)puts up with her. She mentioned that she has tried to

look inward at herself and been so freaked out by what she finds there that she

immediatly finds something else to hold her interest in the outside world. She

also mentioned to me a few times, almost as if she was questioning me, that she

is thinking about staying here for several months instead of moving back out

west after the holidays.

I find myself wanting to reach out to her and help her heal, and to try to mend

our friendship. But I also remember how outright cruel she has been to me, and

how awful it can be to be her friend. I think right now she is so eager to be my

friend again that she is behaving well, and that after a little while she will

be back to her " old tricks " again.

I feel bad for her because I know that she is constantly in a world of

insecurity and pain. She can't hold down a job, moves back in with her parents

whenever she runs out of money. She constently pushes the people she loves away

and then desperatly needs their approval. She continuously makes terrible

decsions for herself, and it is painful to watch. Sometimes she goes into

idealistic rants that don't really make any sense, and it is hard to keep a

straight face.

I am feeling a little nervous about the whole thing. If she stays in town I

can't avoid her, and I am sure she'll start acting like a BPD towards me pretty

soon. Ah! I don't really know what to do.

[Guest guest]

Thanks, I guess at some gut level I know I need to be careful around her. But

many of my friends look down on me for avoiding her. They say things like " you

should really call her " and sometimes I second guess myself. It is hard when

everyone around you doesn't seem to understand why it id so difficult for me to

spend time with her.

>

> Oh my goodness, be careful. I have been hurt by a cruel friend I had since 7th

grade. Oh my was she mean. It took years and years to get over her cruelty.  I

just did not " get it " . What a perfect victim I was.

> I am so happy to be free from those tendencies.

[Guest guest]

.... I think it might be a mistake to " give your friend advice and support " .

I think we are trained as children of BPD's to be caretakers. it is an easy

and familiar thing to sucked into the trap of trying to solve the BPD's

crisis du jour. They always have some kind of drama to suck us into if we

aren't careful. if you're feeling attracted to the friendship again, it may

mean that you are falling back into familiar patterns. Just because the

pattern is familiar doesn't mean it is healthy.

>

>

> It is commendable that you can see that she is hurting herself, and she is

> trying to look inward so it's as if she knows something is up. It is still

> hard for me to see the other side of the coin at how my Nada sees things

> without becoming resentful. Compassion seems to come in small measurements

> and with great expanses of time.

>

> That is very brave of your friend to try to look inward and admit she has

> trouble doing so.

>

> I had a BPD friend this past year (she was my roommate). However, I broke

> it off as it was draining my mental and emotional resources like a car with

> an oil link. I had trouble concentrating at work and made some mistakes that

> I could not reverse.

>

> She blamed me for everything including our falling out. I think it is best

> if you give your friend advice and support, but if you allow her to stay

> with you; her dependence on you may grow (See " I Hate You, Don't Leave Me " )

> You may want to consider the fact that while you can care about her, if you

> help her in that way; you may end up hurting yourself.

>

> -JOy

>

> However, it sounds like it mayb

>

>

> >

> > As a daughter of a BDP mother, I think that I was most comfortable around

> people like my mother, even though they treated me terribly. My closest

> childhood friend I am starting to think now may be a candidate for BPD. For

> about 2 years now I have been severely limiting my contact with my BPD-ish

> friend, but since our friend groups overlap, I end up seeing her from time

> to time.

> >

> > It made it a lot easier for me to seperate from her when she moved to the

> west coast (I live in the midwest). She has a lot of similar characteristics

> to my nada. She is very insecure, manipulative without remorse, has an

> outragous sense of entitlement, rationalizes everything and can never be

> wrong. When we were friends she was really possessive of me and used all

> kinds of FOG on me for years.

> >

> > It has been a very painful seperation, but for me very benificial,

> because I feel stronger and have begun to develop friendships outside of my

> BPD friend and I have been feeling stronger and happier as a person in

> general, and attending weekly therapy sessions to help sort everything out

> (regarding nada and her).

> >

> > My BPD friend is back in town for the holidays, and I spent time with her

> yesterday. She met up with myself and a few other friends for dinner and to

> have a drink afterwards. For the last two years I have almost never called

> her and only spent time with her when it was unavoidable. She has made it

> very clear that she misses me, blames me for everything that is wrong in our

> relationship, and doesn't hear me when I try to talk to her about my

> feelings and why I don't want to spend time with her. I felt guilty about

> avoiding her so much (we were close friends since 3rd grade until about a

> year or two after I graduated from college) and I miss her in a way too- and

> since I have been feeling stronger and more centered lately so I thought I

> could handle spending time with her.

> >

> > I am not a total mess, but I do feel really down today. My BDP-ish friend

> behaved herself while we were spending time together, and there were plenty

> of moments where we actually laughed and had a good time. I am having a

> little trouble sorting out my feelings and my therapist is out of town for

> another week.

> >

> > My BPD-ish friend mentioned several times little things about how crazy

> she has been acting at home, and how glad she is that her boyfriend

> (co-dependant? I feel bad for him actually)puts up with her. She mentioned

> that she has tried to look inward at herself and been so freaked out by what

> she finds there that she immediatly finds something else to hold her

> interest in the outside world. She also mentioned to me a few times, almost

> as if she was questioning me, that she is thinking about staying here for

> several months instead of moving back out west after the holidays.

> >

> > I find myself wanting to reach out to her and help her heal, and to try

> to mend our friendship. But I also remember how outright cruel she has been

> to me, and how awful it can be to be her friend. I think right now she is so

> eager to be my friend again that she is behaving well, and that after a

> little while she will be back to her " old tricks " again.

> >

> > I feel bad for her because I know that she is constantly in a world of

> insecurity and pain. She can't hold down a job, moves back in with her

> parents whenever she runs out of money. She constently pushes the people she

> loves away and then desperatly needs their approval. She continuously makes

> terrible decsions for herself, and it is painful to watch. Sometimes she

> goes into idealistic rants that don't really make any sense, and it is hard

> to keep a straight face.

> >

> > I am feeling a little nervous about the whole thing. If she stays in town

> I can't avoid her, and I am sure she'll start acting like a BPD towards me

> pretty soon. Ah! I don't really know what to do.

> >

>

>

>