Re: it's a load of bs

[Guest guest]

,

That's the amazing thing.  Your nada is fine.  The misery is part of her outfit,

in a sense--just decoration.  She is miserable, I would guess, because being

miserable makes her feel good, or at least better--not because there is actually

anything to be miserable about.  Being miserable keeps people from leaving her

and makes her feel important and it causes people to pay her attention she

wouldn't otherwise get.

I'd guess the reason it worked on you is repitition.

Take care,

Ashana

The INTERNET now has a personality. YOURS! See your Yahoo! Homepage.

http://in.yahoo.com/

[Guest guest]

You rock! Seriously! How awesome that the FOG is lifting for you and that you

can really SEE thru the BS. . I lived under the same duress for my entire life.

My nada was had Type 1 diabetes for 51 years now. I was told that she would get

sick, have things amputated, and I would have to take care of her. She started

grooming me at age 10 to be her caretaker. She wouldn't allow me to go away to

college-because she *might* get sick and need me. She said she would only help

me out with my student loans if I went to the state college 15 min away. (Guess

what-she never gave me a DIME towards those loans-I paid for college 100% on my

own.) My sis was allowed to take a year off to travel the United States. My bro

went to a school in another state, and my other bro went to highschool in

another state, where nada believed he would " have more opportunities " .

When I was 25 she FOGged me into selling my house and moving into hers (with my

dh and 3 small children) because she was afraid that she would get sick, or have

a heart attack and no one would be there for her. I fell for it again. We moved

out after 7 years of HELL-and she was FINE for 2 years. Now she has cancer and

I'm not there to take care of her, but I don't feel too guilty. I feel like she

used up all of my good graces while she was WAITING to be an invalid. Since I am

very LC her friends, my sibs, and our extended family have stepped up. Good.

Because I'm sure, according to her, I would have done a LOUSY job, anyway.

>

> So I had to share a revelation that hit me over the head today. My bigtime

waify nada is okay. She lives in a paid for house. She has savings now - an

inheritance. She has a paid for car. She lives in a small town with easy roads

for her to drive on. She does have one relative nearby though that relative

will still leave all the heavy lifting to me. She's got serious health issues,

but they are being well-maintained. She's in a one story house with a ramp if

she ever needs a scooter. She is *not* in crisis. She's not. She's got Social

Security for the rest of her life. And suddenly I realize she's sitting pretty

while I've let my life spin out of control.

>

> Yet every time I talk to her she's still pouring on the envy of me. Whether

it's the size of my apartment or my purebred cat or the city I live in, she gets

in little digs that amount to how oppressed she is. (The cat is ten years old

and she still envies him.) Every little thing that goes wrong leads to the woe

is me tone of voice. Her health is a big woe is me, but if I were in her shape

at her age and had been sabotaging my health for forty years - well I'd like to

think I'd accept it with a little more grace. Added to this is the chorus of

the other relative in her town, always going on about how my poor mother can

barely step on the curb, oh I'm so worried about your mother, oh she said this,

oh she did that.....all with the subtext that I should be there, pushing her

about in a gold plated wheelchair so she'll bother this relative no more. And

uh, ya know what - she's okay. Maybe she won't be tomorrow, but right now she

is and I'm sick of living in some kind of extended state of emergency over

someone whose needs are entirely taken care of.

>

> I don't know why my nada's endless whining and my nadaunt's endless validation

of the whining has done such a whammy on my psyche. I mean all of the above is

obvious, right? But most of the time I feel like the weight of the world is on

my shoulders - her - and she's about to crash down on me any second and squish

me like a bug on the sidewalk. Well eff that! I'm not buying it anymore.

>

> Thanks for reading and please redirect me back to this post next time I start

freaking out again....

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

my mother is a waif mom as well and does the same thing to her sister. Her

sister has been single all her life and basically gave up her life to take care

of their parents. Even now, in her 70s, my aunt is still caring for my very old

grandmother. They live in another country and my aunt will say to my mom, " when

are you going to come to see mom?? She's getting older every day and won't last

forever. "

My mom, waif that she is, takes the coward's route. She's afraid to fly and

simply won't go unless my brother or I go with her. I'm certainly not going to

subject myself to that and my brother has made clear he won't either. But since

he is unmarried, she places a greater expectation--and more guilt--on him for

refusing to accompany her. SO, she blames him when she talks to my aunt. And,

like your mom, even though my mom has a pretty good life, she'll say to my aunt,

" you know, my life isn't like yours! you have it good over there. I work every

day and I have no one. " Meanwhile, I can only imagine how far into her head my

poor aunt must roll her eyes-- " have it good???? wiping my mother's butt every

day? yeah, I've got it great! "

No one ever suffers more than the waif mom!! I guess it does whammies to our

psyche b/c we've been hearing it all of our lives. Ugh. You are not alone.

Fiona

>

> So I had to share a revelation that hit me over the head today. My bigtime

waify nada is okay. She lives in a paid for house. She has savings now - an

inheritance. She has a paid for car. She lives in a small town with easy roads

for her to drive on. She does have one relative nearby though that relative

will still leave all the heavy lifting to me. She's got serious health issues,

but they are being well-maintained. She's in a one story house with a ramp if

she ever needs a scooter. She is *not* in crisis. She's not. She's got Social

Security for the rest of her life. And suddenly I realize she's sitting pretty

while I've let my life spin out of control.

>

> Yet every time I talk to her she's still pouring on the envy of me. Whether

it's the size of my apartment or my purebred cat or the city I live in, she gets

in little digs that amount to how oppressed she is. (The cat is ten years old

and she still envies him.) Every little thing that goes wrong leads to the woe

is me tone of voice. Her health is a big woe is me, but if I were in her shape

at her age and had been sabotaging my health for forty years - well I'd like to

think I'd accept it with a little more grace. Added to this is the chorus of

the other relative in her town, always going on about how my poor mother can

barely step on the curb, oh I'm so worried about your mother, oh she said this,

oh she did that.....all with the subtext that I should be there, pushing her

about in a gold plated wheelchair so she'll bother this relative no more. And

uh, ya know what - she's okay. Maybe she won't be tomorrow, but right now she

is and I'm sick of living in some kind of extended state of emergency over

someone whose needs are entirely taken care of.

>

> I don't know why my nada's endless whining and my nadaunt's endless validation

of the whining has done such a whammy on my psyche. I mean all of the above is

obvious, right? But most of the time I feel like the weight of the world is on

my shoulders - her - and she's about to crash down on me any second and squish

me like a bug on the sidewalk. Well eff that! I'm not buying it anymore.

>

> Thanks for reading and please redirect me back to this post next time I start

freaking out again....

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

HUGE revelation! Good for you! Talk about a turn-around.

The image of the gold-plated wheelchair is PRICELESS! HOW TRUE!!!

I'm just trying to imagine the desperation and distorted thinking required to

hold a decade-long grind against . . .um . . .a cat. REALLY?! A cat???

You are choosing to no longer make her illness your problem. Good for you. You

deserve it. And what incredible insight for you to see her as she really

is--very comfortable in life, and in an enviable state. NOT a pitiful state.

Maybe that gold-plated wheelchair should be yours for a while. Or maybe you

should sell it and spend the money on cat treats. I think that's the only

option here.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> So I had to share a revelation that hit me over the head today. My bigtime

waify nada is okay. She lives in a paid for house. She has savings now - an

inheritance. She has a paid for car. She lives in a small town with easy roads

for her to drive on. She does have one relative nearby though that relative

will still leave all the heavy lifting to me. She's got serious health issues,

but they are being well-maintained. She's in a one story house with a ramp if

she ever needs a scooter. She is *not* in crisis. She's not. She's got Social

Security for the rest of her life. And suddenly I realize she's sitting pretty

while I've let my life spin out of control.

>

> Yet every time I talk to her she's still pouring on the envy of me. Whether

it's the size of my apartment or my purebred cat or the city I live in, she gets

in little digs that amount to how oppressed she is. (The cat is ten years old

and she still envies him.) Every little thing that goes wrong leads to the woe

is me tone of voice. Her health is a big woe is me, but if I were in her shape

at her age and had been sabotaging my health for forty years - well I'd like to

think I'd accept it with a little more grace. Added to this is the chorus of

the other relative in her town, always going on about how my poor mother can

barely step on the curb, oh I'm so worried about your mother, oh she said this,

oh she did that.....all with the subtext that I should be there, pushing her

about in a gold plated wheelchair so she'll bother this relative no more. And

uh, ya know what - she's okay. Maybe she won't be tomorrow, but right now she

is and I'm sick of living in some kind of extended state of emergency over

someone whose needs are entirely taken care of.

>

> I don't know why my nada's endless whining and my nadaunt's endless validation

of the whining has done such a whammy on my psyche. I mean all of the above is

obvious, right? But most of the time I feel like the weight of the world is on

my shoulders - her - and she's about to crash down on me any second and squish

me like a bug on the sidewalk. Well eff that! I'm not buying it anymore.

>

> Thanks for reading and please redirect me back to this post next time I start

freaking out again....

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

My nada is also a waif. My husband and I were business partners with her

(before we knew about the BPD stuff) for 2.5 years. We had a hugely

successful business. She always had a pay check, health insurance, a company

car, etc. When we decided to leave the business, she FREAKED out. I told

her I'd help transition the business so it was more manageable and she

refused my help. I didn't play that game (like: Really! I can help!...

placate placate placate...) and completely walked away from the business.

At the same time she kept telling my husband, " If you think you are going to

open another store in [our city] you are dead wrong, " and then tell me she

didn't mean what she said. Meanwhile, we had an infant and my husband was

the breadwinner. Sick.

Over the past two years she has continually said, " If you guys hadn't left

so quickly, this ship wouldn't be sinking. " Well, actually, if she had paid

attention and done her job while we were there, she would know how to run

things. Instead she played coward and sabotaged everything we built. Now

she's starting over. Again.

Ultimately, we made a conscious choice to move out of that city and into a

different one. We knew full well that we were leaving everything behind,

especially security and an established business. We started over in our new

city at the start of a recession. At the time, our son was six months old

and DH was still recovereing from being hit by a car while riding his bike.

Fu**king martyr. (Yep, I'm still bitter about it.)

I agree with Fiona about how it delivers huge whammies to our psychies

because we hear it all of our lives. The suffering never ends and who wants

to stand by and absorb that forever and always? I sucks in a really huge

way.

I'm new to this forum. I'm stunned by how much writing this down and

reading other's accounts helps.

[Guest guest]

Thanks Karla! Yep - I hope and pray that I never ever ever treat illness in

such a way that I'd want a gold-plated wheelchair and servants to attend to my

every whim. About the cat, sense that spoke to you I'll share a little more,

I've had stray cats most of my life and have taken in a couple sense the

Persian. But just once at that point in my life years ago I wanted to have a

fancy fluffy cat. Even to this to day if I mention him at all, she'll say in a

negative tight weird tone of voice " He's such a beautiful cat. " I feel like

saying, get over it already! Get your own if you must have it. Thanks for the

encouragement!

> >

> > So I had to share a revelation that hit me over the head today. My bigtime

waify nada is okay. She lives in a paid for house. She has savings now - an

inheritance. She has a paid for car. She lives in a small town with easy roads

for her to drive on. She does have one relative nearby though that relative

will still leave all the heavy lifting to me. She's got serious health issues,

but they are being well-maintained. She's in a one story house with a ramp if

she ever needs a scooter. She is *not* in crisis. She's not. She's got Social

Security for the rest of her life. And suddenly I realize she's sitting pretty

while I've let my life spin out of control.

> >

> > Yet every time I talk to her she's still pouring on the envy of me. Whether

it's the size of my apartment or my purebred cat or the city I live in, she gets

in little digs that amount to how oppressed she is. (The cat is ten years old

and she still envies him.) Every little thing that goes wrong leads to the woe

is me tone of voice. Her health is a big woe is me, but if I were in her shape

at her age and had been sabotaging my health for forty years - well I'd like to

think I'd accept it with a little more grace. Added to this is the chorus of

the other relative in her town, always going on about how my poor mother can

barely step on the curb, oh I'm so worried about your mother, oh she said this,

oh she did that.....all with the subtext that I should be there, pushing her

about in a gold plated wheelchair so she'll bother this relative no more. And

uh, ya know what - she's okay. Maybe she won't be tomorrow, but right now she

is and I'm sick of living in some kind of extended state of emergency over

someone whose needs are entirely taken care of.

> >

> > I don't know why my nada's endless whining and my nadaunt's endless

validation of the whining has done such a whammy on my psyche. I mean all of

the above is obvious, right? But most of the time I feel like the weight of the

world is on my shoulders - her - and she's about to crash down on me any second

and squish me like a bug on the sidewalk. Well eff that! I'm not buying it

anymore.

> >

> > Thanks for reading and please redirect me back to this post next time I

start freaking out again....

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Sorry, I had to laugh that your nada is envious over your cat. Ha ha haaaa!!! My

nada is jealous about what everyone is the entire world has, always completely

negating all the great things she had in life. It's really pathetic and also

makes me appreciate what I do have. I am so glad you had this revelation.

>

> So I had to share a revelation that hit me over the head today. My bigtime

waify nada is okay. She lives in a paid for house. She has savings now - an

inheritance. She has a paid for car. She lives in a small town with easy roads

for her to drive on. She does have one relative nearby though that relative

will still leave all the heavy lifting to me. She's got serious health issues,

but they are being well-maintained. She's in a one story house with a ramp if

she ever needs a scooter. She is *not* in crisis. She's not. She's got Social

Security for the rest of her life. And suddenly I realize she's sitting pretty

while I've let my life spin out of control.

>

> Yet every time I talk to her she's still pouring on the envy of me. Whether

it's the size of my apartment or my purebred cat or the city I live in, she gets

in little digs that amount to how oppressed she is. (The cat is ten years old

and she still envies him.) Every little thing that goes wrong leads to the woe

is me tone of voice. Her health is a big woe is me, but if I were in her shape

at her age and had been sabotaging my health for forty years - well I'd like to

think I'd accept it with a little more grace. Added to this is the chorus of

the other relative in her town, always going on about how my poor mother can

barely step on the curb, oh I'm so worried about your mother, oh she said this,

oh she did that.....all with the subtext that I should be there, pushing her

about in a gold plated wheelchair so she'll bother this relative no more. And

uh, ya know what - she's okay. Maybe she won't be tomorrow, but right now she

is and I'm sick of living in some kind of extended state of emergency over

someone whose needs are entirely taken care of.

>

> I don't know why my nada's endless whining and my nadaunt's endless validation

of the whining has done such a whammy on my psyche. I mean all of the above is

obvious, right? But most of the time I feel like the weight of the world is on

my shoulders - her - and she's about to crash down on me any second and squish

me like a bug on the sidewalk. Well eff that! I'm not buying it anymore.

>

> Thanks for reading and please redirect me back to this post next time I start

freaking out again....

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Mozz, no need to be sorry it is truly ridiculous. I've had the cat for ten

years, you'd think that she finally would just get over it by now. I like your

pov that we should use this to encourage gratitude in our own lives.

> >

> > So I had to share a revelation that hit me over the head today. My bigtime

waify nada is okay. She lives in a paid for house. She has savings now - an

inheritance. She has a paid for car. She lives in a small town with easy roads

for her to drive on. She does have one relative nearby though that relative

will still leave all the heavy lifting to me. She's got serious health issues,

but they are being well-maintained. She's in a one story house with a ramp if

she ever needs a scooter. She is *not* in crisis. She's not. She's got Social

Security for the rest of her life. And suddenly I realize she's sitting pretty

while I've let my life spin out of control.

> >

> > Yet every time I talk to her she's still pouring on the envy of me. Whether

it's the size of my apartment or my purebred cat or the city I live in, she gets

in little digs that amount to how oppressed she is. (The cat is ten years old

and she still envies him.) Every little thing that goes wrong leads to the woe

is me tone of voice. Her health is a big woe is me, but if I were in her shape

at her age and had been sabotaging my health for forty years - well I'd like to

think I'd accept it with a little more grace. Added to this is the chorus of

the other relative in her town, always going on about how my poor mother can

barely step on the curb, oh I'm so worried about your mother, oh she said this,

oh she did that.....all with the subtext that I should be there, pushing her

about in a gold plated wheelchair so she'll bother this relative no more. And

uh, ya know what - she's okay. Maybe she won't be tomorrow, but right now she

is and I'm sick of living in some kind of extended state of emergency over

someone whose needs are entirely taken care of.

> >

> > I don't know why my nada's endless whining and my nadaunt's endless

validation of the whining has done such a whammy on my psyche. I mean all of

the above is obvious, right? But most of the time I feel like the weight of the

world is on my shoulders - her - and she's about to crash down on me any second

and squish me like a bug on the sidewalk. Well eff that! I'm not buying it

anymore.

> >

> > Thanks for reading and please redirect me back to this post next time I

start freaking out again....

> >

> >

> >

>