Re: Blindsided by Nada The Diabolical. (long)

January 16, 2010

((((((((My))))))))

I'm glad you have at least one ally in your grandmother. Yes, it is so terribly

sad and frustrating. Your nada apparently feels justified in punishing you for

setting a hard boundary with her.

" How dare you tell ME how to behave! I'll show you! " thinks nada.

She's just being passive-aggressive about the punishment instead of quite so

blatant, is all.

The saddest part is when the nada successfully turns sibs against each other

using whatever manipulations work; monetary bribes, lies, FOG. And the sibs and

other foo just swallow it. " Whatever you say, mama. " That's the saddest part to

me, the family dynamic in which the most toxic, controlling, manipulative family

member wins. Why is it so hard for people to stand up to a bully?

All that occurs to me is that we as a species must be extremely genetically

hardwired to just do what mama says, well into adulthood, I guess, even if mama

is severely dysfunctional, destructive and abusive. Or maybe its that whoever

gets charge of us in our first 4 or 5 years of life gets to condition us the way

they want to, and the conditioning lasts pretty much for our lifetime.

That's why motherhood and fatherhood should be recognized as the most important

jobs on the planet, as the most sacred trust there is, and only the most

qualified individuals should be granted that honor. It should be

well-understood just how deep and profound an impact the primary caregivers have

on their children's destiny, for good or ill. I think earlier cultures had the

right idea: " the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world " and all that.

Because it sure as heck seems to be true!

-Annie

>

> Wow. Everytime I think the madness is subsiding-I get blindsided. I had cut

off almost complete comtact with nada about over a year ago. Slowly I have

allowed Nada back in to my children's lives and she SEEMED to " get it " -that she

needed to be somewhat pleasant and not try to turn my children against me (which

she has attempted to do in the past.) She was *very* pleasant to my face (almost

a NORMAL person). She talked to me (for the last 2.5 years she has pretended

that I am not in the room), and smiled. It looked real. I *almost* believed it.

She did do some slightly odd behaviors, like hugging *everyone* in the room but

me-when it was my " turn " for a hug-she suddenly remembered " something " and ran

into another room, so I was left standing there. Whatever. Chalked it up

juvenile behavior. We exchanged Christmas gifts last weekend and she gave

everyone in the room a gift but me. She handed me an envelope and for 1 fleeting

FOOLISH moment my heart lept in my chest-SHE HAD THOUGHT OF ME!!! But, no. It

was a gift for my son who was unable to be there. So no hugs, no christmas

present-but whocares? She was being PLEASANT. Fast forward just THREE DAYS. My

sister had a baby-a very special and long awaited baby (years of infertility).

NO ONE called me to tell me. My mentally ill blacksheep of an uncle was called.

My alcoholic father whom my sister and mother HATE got a call. Even tho I had

what I considered a wonderfully *uneventful* (aka GOOD) visit on Sat

(overlooking the NO GIFT statement she made loud and clear) I still did not

warrant enough VALUE as to get a PHONE CALL that my sis had her 1st baby. (I

believe my sis also has BPD too). I did eventually get a generic email that

obviously went out to my sis's coworkers and other aquaintances. I believe that

my sis doesn't even know that I was still in her address book, so I'm pretty

sure that she thinks they have hurt me by leaving me out of this HUGE FAMILY

EVENT.

> To add insult to injury, I raised my little brother during the darkest parts

of my mom's BPD (included a brief hospitalization at a mental health facility).

I was 15, but I took care of him, as if he were my own child. We have NEVER had

ANY conflict-yet he has not returned a phonecall in 2 years (due to the BS Nada

is feeding him). He's 25 yo now. He just got a Facebook Acct. I thought that

maybe being " friends " on there might be less threatening-he wouldn't have to

TALK to me face to face or even on the phone. He has added 5 friends in the last

few days, but my friend confirmation has yet to be approved. So basically my

entire family is pretending that I don't exist. We are so fed up that my husband

has decided that we are moving in the next few years.

> I am just SOOOO tired of the drama. So sick of this BS. My 82 yo grandmother

(nada's mom) got the same treatment, so at least I have ONE ally in this world.

>

January 16, 2010

" That's the saddest part to

me, the family dynamic in which the most toxic, controlling, manipulative family

member wins "

Last year, when my son was 11, we were driving and he said " Why do your brothers

and sister hate you? " I replied " I don't think they hate me, but they have felt

that they needed to take sides. " He shocked me when he said " Well, I guess it

makes sense that they would side with the more powerful person. " Yup.

> >

> > Wow. Everytime I think the madness is subsiding-I get blindsided. I had cut